Monday, July 28, 2008

a whiny-little-bitch noise

My whole upper jaw fucking hurts!!

I woke up at 3am feeling like asshole, which was remedied when they upped my dose at the clinic. The doc had no problem doing that since I've been on my same dose for a while and haven't had a dirty UA yet- well, I always seem to test positive for THC (duhhh, I wonder why?) but they don't give much of a damn about that shit. Hooray for that!

Then I went to an NA meeting so I could get my clinic paper signed. I hate those meetings on gp [general principle] because they all think that addiction is a disease. Addiction isn't a disease! That's just an easy way to not have to take responsibilty for your actions while high. "Yeah grandma, I did rob your house and sell the contents for crack, but I have an incurable disease so I couldn't *help* it!!" Buncha bullshit if you ask me (and I know no one did, but this is my blog and I will fill it with my opinions and anyone who doesn't like it can hang out somewhere else- it's a big internet out there). Addicts love nothing more than not taking responsibility for their stupid choices. Yeah, I said choices. Addiction is a choice. Using drugs is a choice. Doing stupid fucking shit because you're high- well, it was a choice to get high so technically anything you do in a blackout is your fault too. Of course I include myself- after all, I'm a junkie too (just in case anyone wasn't aware of that fact, hah!).

So if addiction is a choice (and it is), then why am I still on methadone? Easy! I don't want to come off the shit, it will be hard and I'm *choosing* not to face that anytime soon. I'm physically addicted and that makes it more difficult. But how to people like me become physically addicted to drugs? By getting high... all the time. If I hadn't *chosen* to stick myself with dope-filled needles day after day after day, I would never have gotten hooked. I knew the consequences of shooting heroin (and smoking crack, and doing speed, and popping pills, and smoking cigs, etc etc etc) and yet I did the shit anyways, because it made me feel good and I liked it. How is that a disease again? Cancer is a disease- you don't get offered cancer and get to weigh your options and then choose whether or not you want it. AIDS is a disease- you can't decide to stop having AIDS before it gets out of hand. [Before anyone says this, I know you can get these diseases and others by making bad decisions, but not always. For example, smoking for years can give you cancer, but so can winning the Tour de France, right?] But drug addiction? It's a choice, plain and simple.

Another thing that pissed me off at the NA meeting was those assholes bashing MMT. Apparently they are too good to take methadone and look down on those who do. Methadone is a crutch- no shit. So are those stupid meetings. MMTs down an addictive but legal drug every morning, NAs go sit in a circle and whine about their horrible disease every afternoon. At the end of the day, what matters is that you didn't stick a needle in your vein or a crackpipe between your lips- right? That's not what the NAzis think! I didn't say that I was on methadone because I didn't want to hear the bullshit the very first time I went. Next time though, I'm gonna speak up! I love controversy, plus I feel pretty strongly about this. MMT let me go through with this pregnancy, not to mention that it pulled me off the streets and out of a vicious circle. I have nothing but respect for that program because without it I would've detoxed with nothing, and had a miscarriage months ago due to NAS (or maybe just a braindead baby) which would have made me very sad, and then I'd use that as an excuse to start banging again. Hooray for methadone maintenance!!!! I've used heroin a grand total of once since my first dose at the clinic, and I'm happier. I still miss my shit sometimes, but I must admit that this is a better way to live.

Then I went to the dentist for the first time since my childhood. The dentist confirmed my suspicions- the tooth was broken in half, apparently because of a huge-ass cavity. My first cavity. He then went on to tell me that he could pull the rotten tooth and leave a gap (please god no!! I thought to myself) or do a root canal and a build-up (?) and a crown. My dad agreed with me that a gap was bad (daddy and his magical AmEx to the rescue!) and we decided it would be better to save the tooth than pull it. My first root canal.

It was totally NOT COOL!!! The drill freaked me the fuck out. I don't even like the noise that a nail-file makes, or sandpaper on wood- it makes me shudder, that nasty scrape-scrape-scrape sound. *ughhhhh* So I took my ipod with me and cranked the volume up as loud as it would go and shut my eyes hard. I could still hear the drill. The novocaine didn't numb everything, apparently there was a "curve in the nerve ending that didn't get numbed" which of course hurt like a son of a bitch every time he poked it with a sharp thingy. He did that a lot, and I'd feel it from my jaw to my skull all the way down my spine, and immediately jump in the air and make a whiny-little-bitch noise. This kept happening over and over. Between the sharp pokes to a rotten nerve ending and the drill scaring the shit outta me, I was a little crybaby there in the dentist's chair.

One good thing- I didn't have a full-fledged panic attack until after the dentist was finished and I stood up out of the chair. I wasn't standing up for long, let me tell you! I apologized for being a whiny little bitch, stood up to smoke a cig, and immediately started shaking and crying and collapsed on the ground. They said I did great because I didn't try to stop the dentist, or jump out of the chair, or bite, or scream, or punch anybody, or throw up on anyone. When they shoved that piece of plastic all the way down my throat and left it there- well, it's a damn good thing I don't have a gag reflex, huh?

So... that sucked. And I have to go in 2 more times! Once for "the build-up" whatever that means, once for the crown. I want gold, it's actually cheaper than porcelain. One gold tooth that's not a grill? I like the idea... yeah, I like it a lot. :)
"i lost my first tooth 2 weeks ago congradulations its all starting to catch up with us 23 yrs old and we over the hill!!"
Don't worry baby! Where you live, you'll blend right in... especially on those trips to Coulby.

"you suck"
For a living, baby! But seriously, is that the best you can do? Really? *sigh*

"Do you think doctors, writers, designers, etc. are just working for the money? Don't you have any desire to do anything with your life?"
What you are referring to here isn't a job, it's a career. Now, I'm going through a lot of shit right now, basically my life just got flipped completely upside down and I'm doing everything differently. If I start thinking about a career now- well, I'm already psychotic and I don't want to overwhelm myself. Right now I'm not focusing on "the rest of my life" and my career, I'm thinking about a)becoming a mama b)making money for right now c)staying clean d)this blog! And that's enough for any bitch to come to terms with at once- especially a crazy one.

Greg has asked me not to put any pictures of him or his camper online, and I respect that. If he ever changes his mind though, I will be on that soooo quick! So yeah, he is shy. :)


who run da souf? said...

bitch dissin yor own home town although coulby does have bout 25 teeth between the entier population har har!!! why didnt you take the nitris oxide that they are soooo willing to give out, betcha wouldnt have had a panic attakc if you were gassed prperly ya kno?? o and here is a public service anounsment since angel imean shelly HARHAR is too modest or what ever to share this info online but she told me last nite on the telepone::
the dentist oferred her 15 10millagram vicadens after the rootcanal and she refused them, a junkey refusing painpills for the good of the belly-munchken. kep up the good desisions angel/shelly and soon u wont be able to call your self a junkey anymore fucking AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sometimes i wish i could stop and then i do nother blast and sudenly i dont care no more about quittin cuz it feeels so dam goooooood, sweet sweet crystal!! im sorry am i making u sweat, baby you know its not that great and you are doin so good dont let bitches like ME fuck yer shit up 4 you b/cuz u are my best friend in the universe and i want to be an uncle!!!!!

2hi4u, ELLIOTT

oohhhhh snap i put my real name, here come da trolls now!!!!!!!

Gledwood said...

i'm with you about the disease thing. specially when i hear people saying they were an addict b4 they took drugs. dur! how??

i'm a heroin addict and can console myself that up unTIL heroin came along i could take or leave any drug or drink. anyone who uses heroin for long enough will become an addict, it says nothing at all about character blah blah blah or anything else

nice blog by the way ;->...

Cocaine Princess said...

'Yeah, I said choices. Addiction is a choice.'

I applaud your bravery in your above statement.

Cocaine Princess

Polgara said...

My due date is Nov 3rd but i'm finishing 3 weeks early!
Thanks for dropping by, nice to meet people in the same situation :0)
Pol x

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog here and I must say you are at the very least, honest about your addiction! You also seem very intelligent and literate to me---you owe it to yourself and your daughter to keep doing good.
I'm a heroin addict currently on methadone. Been clean from dope for 5 years and was about to be competely done with the clinic this December when SURPRISE! Baby #3 is on the way. So even though I am on a very low dose, I will have to remain on said dose until after delivery. Sucks but I guess other's know what's best, right? Anyway, good luck to you...