Friday, September 26, 2008

It's a girl (2)

Jasmyne Rose, born Sep. 26, 2008 at 11:15 a.m. 7lbs 10oz, 19 inches. APGAR score 9.9 out of a perfect 10, which no baby gets. Mama currently breastfeeding. Praise the Lord!

Michelle's Mama

It's a girl!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

full amateur spa treatment

So, less than 24 hours to go...

I am pretty excited and scared, excited because the pregnancy will FINALLY be over and scared because I am such a pussy when it comes to physical pain. All that emotional-pain shit, I might get upset but then I get over it real fast. But I won't even pick up the half-gallon of milk with my right arm because I'm scared it will dislocate and that shit hurts so bbbAAAddd!!! I like the fact that the kid doesn't have any methadone in her system (according to a clean amnio test) and hopefully with have NO withdrawal symptoms. It's like God is giving us a pass because I did everyfuckingthing I could.

I was trying to make myself pretty today since I am facing a 6-day hospital stay for 'observation' which I'm not really looking forward to. It's partly because of the 'done and partly because I am high risk for postpartum depression, I guess that's because I am psychotic in every other regard. I tend not to be depressed though, I go the other way into "severe mania with audial and visual hallucinations" hah! :) Anyways, I got the "full amateur spa treatment" which means I gave myself a pedicure (I can't barely reach my feet), Greggie cut/filed/painted my nails (and let me tell you, he is much better at manly things than girly things like nail-painting, hahaha), and my mom cut my hair (she usually cuts my hair and dyes it too). I just appreciate that they tried, plus I like the kinda choppiness of my hair and my nails and toes look good to me. If I cared *that* much I'd go get my shit done professionally, but it's just not that big of a deal. I don't wear makeup either.

I wanted to say thanks, mostly to Greg and my family [side note: to the person who asked, Greg and my parents get along VERY WELL, shit when he comes over to the house he talks to them almost as much as he talks to me, I gotta get him alone to get his attention, haha; also while I am in the hospital he has blanket permission to come to my parent's house to eat or shower or whatever so he doesn't hafta go all the way home; my parents trust him which says a lot because they hate *everyone* that I like!] for being so damn supportive of me while I have been a fat lazy whiny bitch who has her own room but still insists on sleeping on the couch while people want to watch TV. :) More thanks to friends who even though I have not spent time with in person, they have helped me out a lot: ELLIOTT of course (who runs da souf bitch!), Melody (my bestest internet 'waist-up' girlfriend), Diamond and Dezirae (for being awesome in general), the folks on (well most of y'all at least), the people at my church (who of course don't know that this blog exists) and all my online friends. Also, thanks to the gracious woman who gave me the jasmine plant- I know you don't want to be named on this blog, but you know who you are- thank you. Y'all kick ass, and not just because you hang with me.

I wanted to say something about the person who "prefers to remain anonymous" (instead of just "promoting themselves and their blogs", that's kind of funny since just about everyone who comments with their blog link already has a link from my site anyways, hah). People say not to respond to her dumbness (I'm pretty sure she is female) and I did anyways, but I'm not going to anymore. I'll still respond to the more literate of the haters, but that girl can't really be grouped with "the haters" ya know? She isn't hating, I think in her own strange way she is trying to help me out. It's just that what she says doesn't apply at all, and that's not her fault. She thinks she knows a lot more about my situation (and apparently my relationship) than she actually does. But to quote the NAzis, "if it doesn't apply, let it fly." If someone was posting about how I could improve my soybean crop, I'd ignore them too because it doesn't apply to my situation at all and therefore it's not advice I can use.

Same idea for the man-hater, which is a good name for her. She's not really a Michelle-hater, she obviously was taken advantage of and hurt by some asshole dude (as we all know, this planet has no shortage of asshole dudes) and now thinks that any woman who loves any man is bound to end up like she did. But it's just not true. I defended Greg more that I defend myself on here, but he doesn't need defending on this blog and neither does our relationship. I know he loves me, he knows I love him, we both know where we stand, and age ain't nothin' but a number.

Well, I am OUTTIE and when I return, I shall post pictures of the munchkin!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

pictures that I shoulda posted a week ago

1) the tiny grass snake I found and caught on the front porch
2) my huge ass in my beach outfit (bathing suit underneath since I had to go to the 'done clinic first)
3) me holding the blanket I crocheted for the baby- I started that sumbitch in April and just finished it a couple weeks ago.
4) the room that the baby and I will share
5) same as above, only a close-up of my shelf o' baby crap
6) same room, same crap, this time a close-up of the crib (which my father put together, but my mom and I did the stroller with no "manly assistance!")
7) me and my mom at the baby shower
8) all the women that showed up to the shower... look at all of 'em!! I wasn't kidding, was I?
9) at baby shower opening presents
10) top row [left to right]- my aunt Irene, my cousin Lorraine, and my aunt Diana (Lorraine's mom); bottom row- me and my mama
11) some of the many many presents I received at the shower

a slow little munchkin

The baby shower at my church was amazing! I have never gotten so much damn stuff at once in my life, and I set up the baby's room which is also my room. I expected 10, maybe 15 women to show up with gifts but in reality it was more like 30. My mom loaded up the Ford Fusion with the gifts, filling the trunk, backseat, and front passenger seat to absolute capacity. I actually had to get a ride home from someone else because I didn't fit in the fucking car! That isn't including the crib which was delivered to my house along with the crib mattress, the stroller and car seat which were sent to my local Wal-Mart and was just picked up yesterday (my mom and I put the damn stroller together by ourselves, without the help of the menfolk- hooray for us!!), the high chair which was given a ride home in the car I had to ride in, and a shitload of stuff that was dropped off in my garage last week. It's freakin' incredible.

The reality is, I have SOOOO much baby crap that I ended up having to give some stuff away since there wasn't any room for it all! I kept the stuff I needed (of course) and then the stuff I really liked, then gathered all the stuff I didn't need/like/want along with the stuff I received *way* too much of and put it in a couple large bags. I gave the bags, which included 3 *huge* packs of disposable diapers which I won't need since I am totally determined to use washable cloth diapers exclusively, to my counselor at the methadone clinic, since she is also the counselor for all the chicks with babies under 1 year old. When I gave her the bag, she asked why I wasn't selling the stuff and I replied that it had been given to me for free and it wasn't right for me to then turn around and sell it for a profit. That earned me a weird look from her and then she told me that I was one of the only patients at the clinic to think like that. I guess I should take that as a compliment!

I guess I'll talk about Greggie- what can I say about him? Greg... well, how do I put this.... he is the best fucking boyfriend I could ever imagine having. We have had our arguments and problems like any other couple, but I have complete faith that he loves me and will do damnear anything for me. He's not just talk, he puts his money where his mouth is, and even if he didn't want kids at first (hell, neither did I) I know he is excited about the impending new munchkin. As long as I stay off the shit- which I don't have much of a choice about anyways, it's sober time for Michelle- he is right there by my side. I love my man Greggie with all of my heart and I'm always trying to find ways to show him how much I care. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know... and I already give great head so I need more creative suggestions than that, k? :)

This fuckin' baby is a slow little munchkin. She still hasn't been born yet which is *totally* gay- I am 4cm dilated and basically "all systems are go." The dr cannot fucking figure out why she is not being born! I tried walking,There is some very very good news though....

THURSDAY 9/25!!!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

eating sand in knee-deep water

So I go to the 'done clinic this morning about 5 minutes before they closed for the day and was standing in the relatively short line, and before I even got to the front the nurse called my name and told me that my counselor had to see me before I could dose. Whatever. I figured she got the results of my whiz quiz because I asked her to let me know if I passed for THC or not (I quit smoking pot 3 weeks ago and took my test a few days ago and if I am negative for pot, then I get takehomes and only hafta come in 3 days/week!), so I go into her office and we have the following conversation:

"Michelle, I just got the results back from the lab from your UA."

Cool, did I come up for pot or no?

"Actually no, you're negative for everything except methadone. Whose urine was it?"

What? My pee... why would I have someone else's... what? Why?

"You're negative for EVERYTHING except methadone... and that means the pregnancy test also came up negative."

Really? So you don't think I'm pregnant?

"No, of course you're pregnant. That's why I don't think this is your urine. I have to administer another test but I need to watch you pee this time. Are you ok with that?"

Doesn't bother me any. One question though... was the pee diluted?

"Actually, yes... so you're telling me that it was a lab error, and that it's really your urine?"

Well I know for a fact I'm not carting around anyone else's piss, so it was either a lab error or I'm not really pregnant and this [pats huge belly] is just a crazy moving tumor or something.

"I didn't think you'd used anyone else's pee, but I had to know for sure and the only way to know was to confront you like that. You'd be surprised at what people will do just to get their take homes- they put containers of pee up inside their bodies!"

I've actually heard of that, but I'll be honest with you: I would not carry around a bottle of someone else's piss unless I was facing prison time. And I'm *not*, so I didn't. Plus, it was a random test! I didn't know you were gonna be testing me on that specific day, which means I would had to have carried the piss bottle in every day for about a week... just to test negative for pot? No, not my style at all.

So I had to pee in front of her and she sent in my new specimen for testing. It really was my piss, and it really did say that I wasn't pregnant... weird huh? The good news is that it tested negative for THC, which means that the one I took today will also. Hooray!!! That means I get my fuckin' take homes maybe. I'm very glad I had all those diluted tests in a row, they proved my innocence in this case. Hah!

I went to Golden Corrall with Greg 2 days in a row and today we went to the beach. I think there's another hurricane in the Atlantic because the waves were crazy! I was getting knocked down and eating sand in knee-deep water, and so was Greggie. :) I got sunburned, I swallowed a gallon of salt water and took another gallon up my nose, I left half my skin on the bottom of the ocean, my eyes are bloodshot, my hair is straw, I'm achy, and that Lake Worth cop who tazered me (the lieutenant, more about that situation here: saw me at the beach today and pointed at me before driving on... and it was all worth it. I am so glad that man took me to the beach today, what fun.

Tommorrow is the baby shower at my church. It's so sweet of the ladies at church to give me a baby shower, I didn't expect them to. I like my church and most of the folks there- they actually accept you for who you are instead of just talking about how nonjudgemental and tolerant they are while they silently judge you and give you the oogie-eye.

God, I hope this baby is born soon. I literally have to stop and pee 4-6x during a movie that lasts an hour and a half! This morning at breakfast, 4 pee-breaks. Wow there is a lot in this blog entry about pee today, something must be wrong with me. :)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I. Am. Too. God. Damn. La. Zy. To. Up. Date. Re. Gu. Lar. Ly.

There- I said it! I am one lazy pregnant bee-yotch. Every time I write, I promise to update "every other day" or "2-3 times a week" and that becomes once a week, if that. So whatever- I update once a week. I can try to update more, but the god's honest truth is that nothing interesting happens lately. I started this blog because so much crazy shit happened to me on a daily basis that I just had to share. Now, I am 9 months pregnant and sitting at home most of the day. I play around online, I go out to eat sometimes, I do the grocery shopping for the house (even when I'm broke, my dad won't let anyone go grocery shopping without me because I can bring home $100 worth of food for $60 and I know which brands are worth paying extra for- basically I am awesome at grocery shopping!), I go to the library and check out books, I watch tons of movies from Blockbuster, I hang out with Greg and have awkward huge-belly sex (I usually end up hurting my back, but it's worth it), I drink tons and tons of water and milk and Crystal Light, I complain about the baby kicking me and how much my back hurts, I make money online, I watch the wildlife in my yard, I smoke 5 or 6 Newports a day, I sometimes wish I had drugs, I try to make the voices in my head shut up.

That's it- that's my fucking life right now. I have never been so bored, but at the same time I'm too fuckin' tired and fat and achy to really want to do anything. I'm going with Greg to happy hour at TGI Fridays after Jaz is born, have me some booze and some non-huge-belly sex on one of the nights that my parents babysit. Hooray! I'll pump some milk in advance and use those alcohol milk test strips to make sure baby doesn't get drunk too... make it real safe-like. Drugs after she is born? No, no drugs... there is a possibility that I will start smoking pot again (not on a regular basis) but I don't even think I'm gonna go in that direction again. Heroin and coke and crack- that's not even an option. You can be a good mom if you go out drinking one night when you have a trustworthy babysitter, and you can even be a good mom if you smoke pot sometimes. But NO ONE can be a good mom while nodding on dope or tweeking on coke. I miss my drugs, shit I miss them *badly* sometimes, but I'd rather be a good mom than get high. That was a hard choice to make (it shouldn't have been, I know) but I'm 100% confident that I chose right. I can't be a mom and a junkie at the same time, so I choose mom. Fuck being a junkie- I already did that, didn't I? I know what that life is all about, but this new life... I know nothing about it and I'd like to learn. I can't wait.

Plus, I don't need coke- I have been high as fuck lately on nothing but hormones and unmedicated bipolar disorder. This morning I couldn't stop talking at all, my head was spinning and the voices in my head were screaming at me to go get some heroin. They reminded me of the d-boy's phone number (which I had forgotten) and told me that since I had gotten piss-tested today at the clinic that I could get away with a shot. They even told me where I could get a needle! Fuckin' voices in my head. I didn't listen to them, but I did hafta take a vistaril which was prescribed by my ob/gyn because it's safe for pregnancy. I recently switched from generic (hydroxyzine) to name-brand (vistaril) and the new shit knocks me for a loop. I went from totally freaking out- spinning, tons of head noise, babbling, heart racing, laughing and crying at the same time, etc- to damnear comatose in about an hour. I finally passed out, that brand vistaril feels like valium. It does help satisfy my drug craving without taking anything illegal or dangerous to the baby, which is awesome.

And... that's it. Thanks to all who suggested movies and television shows, I added a whole bunch of stuff to my "queue" which I call DA LIST because I don't like that word queue. It looks like it should be pronounced kwee-wee doesn't it?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

tell me what movies to watch!

I'm signed up for Blockbuster Online, the $20 plan where I get 3 movies at a time and 5 in-store exchanges per month. I was gonna get a cheaper plan, but I'm probably gonna end up on house arrest and figure that I will appreciate having lots of movies to watch. Currently, I am watching the HBO show Weeds and just finished the first season- great show, very dramatic and unrealistic and interesting, which are all things I look for in a show. Also Sons of Anarchy starts tommorrow, and since I constantly watch FX I have seen it advertised enough times that I actually want to watch it. Who ever said advertising doesn't work?

Back to the point- as happy as I am with Blockbuster, my movie queue [aka DA LIST] is quite short and I can't think of movies/tv shows to add. I need recommendations! I have already asked on a couple of the forums that I frequent, and now I am asking here. Basically I am capable of being interested in damnear any movie that I catch within the first 15 minutes (there are always exceptions!) but here are my top genre picks:

(1) Scary movies- slasher flicks are ok sometimes but intelligent horror movies (aka "psychological thrillers") are more my style.

(2) Cartoons! I like kids cartoons as well as those made for adults, but i HATE anime .

(3) Comedies of all kinds: slapstick, comedy/dramas, stupid shit, sophomoric garbage, stand-up routines, love 'em all. The only exception, I don't much like films that call themselves "romantic comedies" since they are all about the same and they annoy me.

(4) Any movie about a murderer/serial killer who outsmarts everybody- even if he gets caught in the end.

(5) Sick strange psychotic movies that don't follow a timeline or make you watch them over and over to figure out wtf just happened on TV.

(6) Prison movies and GOOD dope movies (a lot of dope movies are major suckfests), especially ones involving crack since movie crackheads are even more entertaining than crackheads in real life!

(7) Cop movies of all types- corrupt cops and good-guy cops, I like all of 'em. These are probably my favorite type of movie, cop flicks! I'm thrilled about the new Samuel L. Jackson movie "Lakeview Terrace" where he will play a corrupt cop who scares the crap outta his white neighbors- hooray!!

(8) ROBERT DOWNEY JR, Adam Sandler, JOHNNY DEPP, Tim Burton, Benicio Del Toro, Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphey (sp?), Mark Wahlberg ["Marky Mark"], Samuel L Jackson, Penelope Cruz, WILL FERRELL (again sp?), Ben Stiller, Denzel Washington, and WESLEY SNIPES.

What I don't like: pretentious foreign films, *anime*, science fiction, action movies with no plot besides explosions, fantasy stuff (such as Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter), Michael Moore, slasher movies with no plot besides blood and guts like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Jack Black (I hate that fucker with a passion that burns deep within me... grrrrr), teenager "coming-of-age" shit, and Date Movie or Epic Movie or any "[vague genre] Movie" since the FIRST Scary Movie (ok, the third one was good too- but that's it!!)

Please give me your movie recommendations in my comments page, thanks in advance to anyone who does! House arrest will go much quicker with many things to watch on TV I bet.

Monday, September 1, 2008

a little knowledge never hurt anyone

You know that I have no excuse for not updating? Ever? Seriously, I am online at least twice a day- reading and posting on my forums ["online communities"], reading my comments here and laughing about them, reading other blogs, looking at crazy websites, playing Boggle online (it's a very fun game and I am quite good at it, like Peggy from King of the Hill "ho-yeah!"), arguing politics with strangers... basically the virtual equivalent of twiddling my thumbs. But god forbid I update my blog! It just seems like a lot of work, although every time I start an update I enjoy it and then I blather on and on and on and on with no end in sight. I just need to start typing, ya know? I will attempt to update at least 3x a week so that my fans can enjoy and my haters can hate on a more regular basis. Once-a-week entertainment is not enough! :)

I will start with telling about the pictures, from top to bottom:
(1) me and Lucas at TGI Friday's in Gainesville, the last time I got to see him before dropping him off at his new apartment.
(2) Same as above, only with a steak knife.
(3) My big fat ass in my late grandmother's dress.
(4) Me and some of my homeless friends, One-Eyed Bob and Pier. Bob "ripped me off" for $30 back when I was a junkie, I kinda let him because he needed the money more than me, but the funny part is that the other day when I saw him he told me to be at his hangout on the first of the month (today, actually) and he would pay me back. Hah! If anyone believes that, I got some land in the Everglades to sell you. :) The girl, Pier, she and I looked out for each other in county jail and I kinda looked out for her on the street (meaning, I was the dope fairy). She is good people.
(5) 9 months and 164 pounds!!
(6) The food at my brother's going-away party, and my grandma at the end of the table. I think me and my bro were posing for another pic while this was being taken.

Anyways, the trip to Gainesville was fun. We seen Lucas' apartment (his very first apartment, my baby bro is growin' up sooooo fast!!!) me his roommates, who are carbon copies of the melvins he hangs with at home. They don't look alike, but everything else is pretty much identical! I told him that if he ever missed his friends, he could talk to his roommates with his eyes shut and call them Jake and Dan and Matt [aka the screamy one] and he'd never know the difference. At first he told me to shut up and stop being a bitch, but about a half hour later he admitted that yes, they are pretty much the same people. Then we went to TGI Fridays (as pictured) and dropped him back off at his new place- I gave him a big hug and he told me that he'd come home for a few days to meet his neice when she was born, and I didn't cry at all. But I miss that kid with all of my heart!! The house feels so fuckin' empty without him, and I have no one left to bicker with... : (
After dropping him off, my mom and I stayed at the student-union hotel and the next morning we stopped at the local 'done clinic for my guest-dose before heading north to High Springs. We went to Ichetucknee Springs [I had to look up how to spell that] which has a long cold river that folks can "float down" on a big water donut or other kind of floatie while the current pulls you. Depending on where you enter the springs, you can float for 3 hours, 1 1/2 hours, or half an hour. We chose the middle one, rented water donuts (some other people call them inner tubes, same thing) and jumped in the 72 degree water. Well, I jumped into the water, my mom just got into her water donut while I submerged myself, saying "I take showers colder than this!"
It was a LOT of fun! We saw a bunch of turtles and fishes and a great blue heron and got our floats stuck on logs and half-sunken trees. There were supposedly otters, but I didn't see any of those little guys. Somewhere along the way I managed to pull the muscles in my back, probably while twisting around in my float to either push my water donut off a log or look at a turtle or something, so that hurt like hell. It's a week later and it *still* hurts! But I'm still glad I went, and I'd do it again anytime.
On Wednesday I went to court for my shit (I've talked about it a lot on here, but if you really don't know what's going on click here: ) and the news wasn't good: 4 months house arrest or probation. Now I'm "seasoned" enough to know that probation means go to jail later (it's a fuckin' trap!!) so I'm not touching that with a 20-foot pole. House arrest... well, it can't be THAT bad, right? I'll have a new baby so I'll be spending most of my time at home with her anyways- I can bond with her, teach her how to swim in the pool, and work on my latest money-making scheme (it's legal!). Still, I'm gonna fight a little bit. The police report was nothing but lies lies LIES and I'm not down with that, I'm halfway through writing what really happened and it is up to them to prove the lies- such as, I didn't give a fuckin' statement! I will write more about this case as it progresses, as of now I have a continuance until after the munchkin is born.
I'm not gonna reply to all 30 comments because I'm going to a Labor Day picnic and also I straight-up don't feel like it, too much hate that doesn't deserve too much of a response. But I will answer a couple things: who is it that has nothing going on in their lives to the point where they just follow me around from forum to forum (and apparently in real life too) trying to catch me in lies? Let me break this to ya: I am not that fucking interesting. Seriously! Well to myself, and I *know* I'm interesting enough to gather readers and fans and haters, but I am really not fascinating to the point where you need to follow me around. That is called "stalking" and it really shows how little of a life you have. You really think you called me out there, didn't ya? Naming people I don't know, trying to sound like you're telling the truth. I don't know a Joe S, but if you say "where Tina used to stay" you obviously mean the 'old sleazeway' no? And P is the girl I am in the picture with above? Oh yeah she saw me, hell the pic proves that much. And she without a doubt recognized the vehicle I was traveling in, but not because it was a trick- because I used to convince that vehicle's operator to pull over and give her a ride all the time, even though he didn't trust her as far as he could throw her. Yeah, she recognized us, no doubt! : )
Oh and if you would tell me how to give "a toothless blowjob" when the only teeth that are missing are my wisdom teeth I would be capable of making more money if I decided to hit the block again- which I probably won't, but a little knowledge never hurt anyone, dig? Past tricks have told me that they pick up old crackwhores because they like the toothless bj's, something I am incapable of reproducing although my bj's are special in their own way, hah. I don't see myself back on the streets though, because I am actually enjoying being clean. Weird, huh? I can even stick with not smoking pot, now the only drugs I am taking are methadone and my prenatal vitamins, along with Tums and an occasional Extra-Strength Tylenol when my back starts to hurt. It feels good. I can't detox off the 'done because I plan on breast-feeding, but I'm kinda grateful for that because trying to come off while taking care of a newborn might be a little overwhelming and I don't want to fuck up. Hell, I won't fuck up! I can't wait for this kid to be born...