Tuesday, January 29, 2008

that weird voice of his

Does anyone who reads me like Lil Wayne? I'm not way into the whole hip-hop scene but I can't get enough of that weird voice of his, it's a new sound... I dunno. If anyone wanted to send me some mp3s I would appreciate it.
I can get mp3s cause google e-mail kicks ass.

I had so much fun at the South Florida Fair! I go every year, this year I barely went on rides but ate a crapload of food and seen the pig races. It's some redneck shit, but I don't mind... next I'm going to the KISS Country chili cook-off. Gretchen Wilson and Big and Rich are gonna be there, should be fun.

"I ain't never ran from a nigga and I damn sure ain't 'bout to pick today to start runnin..."


anonymous #1: I'll keep track of whatever I want, kay?

Boston Joe: Thanks for the support, but I don't mind the shit-talking... I kinda like the attention to tell the truth.

John in Boston: I posted a response- think anon will nut his drawers?

anonymous #2: I thought Bucket List was pretty good, but if you don't like Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson I guess it could suck.

Rick in wellington: Do you think I'm stupid enough to post an answer to that question online? That's entrapment, dude.

anonymous #3: If you bareback street meat your dick will fall off. Just shrivel up and plop right the fuck off.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

don't need anybody else's crazy making me worse

I guess the anti-Shelley tirade is winding down. Cool. And to "anonymous" who left the 9th comment: I don't mind shit-talking, but actually talking ABOUT shit is kinda gross... hah.

Rob (aka the jailer dude aka psycho asshole) has officially gone insane. First, I did him and someone else a favor, non-sexual but I'm not gonna go into details on a public forum... then he puts his car keys in my grocery bag and then gets me to help him look for them. I don't find the sons of bitches until the next day, but my metro pcs bill had been due the day before so my phone was shut off. I called on Greg's phone to let him know I'd drop off his keys after I took my shower and got dressed, since I had just woken up. Then my cell starts ringing- Rob had payed my metro bill for me (I don't know how he got access to my account?) so he could call and harrass me about the damn car keys. His exact words- "I payed your phone bill, pay me back by giving me my car keys right now." So Greggie drove me over to a grocery store where Rob and I met up and I gave him his keys, I went to walk back to my man when he goes, "when are you gonna pay me back for the phone bill?"

Well, that's an interesting question, isn't it? After all, I had never actually asked him to pay it, and he's caused more problems with my phone than anyone else: stealing/breaking my last celly and forcing me to buy another one that I couldn't afford, calling overandoverandover so that no one else could call and I couldn't call out since the calls were placed so close together (phone harrassment, hah! and he calls Greg a stalker!), changing my phone number and making me lose half my customers. When am I gonna pay you back for the phone bill, Rob? How about when you pry it out of my cold dead fingers, is that soon enough for ya?

Apparently it wasn't. He proceeded to ring my phone ALL DAY LONG, making it impossible for me to get anything done on it except press the hang-up button when his number came up again and again and again. Eventually Greg commandeered the phone and each time Rob called he would answer, say "asshole", and hang up. Not very creative, I admit, but dickhead moves deserve dickhead responses. Then, he hacked back into my metro pcs account and changed my phone number, I suppose either to piss me off royally or so that only he could have it. Not only does he not have anything to do, but he's apparently infatuated with my junky ass. Well, it did piss me off royally- I guess he accomplished something. I had to spend about an hour on the phone with metro pcs putting my number back to what it was and then changing my security code (account password) and adding an extra one, making my metro number into a "high security account." He hasn't gotten in since. In fact, I've only answered the phone for him once since all that crapola, and only cause he called from a restricted number. I said hello, and the second I heard his obnoxious sarcastic "yeah..." I hung right the fuck up. I'm crazy enough, I don't need anybody else's crazy making me worse.

Last night I went to the drive-in, which was a ton of fun. I seen The Bucket List, which was good just cause it had Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman in it (it would've sucked otherwise, I'm sure of it). Then we moved the cones out of the way and seen the other movie, since we're cool with the drive-in manager like that- if we hadn't had permission, we would never have made it past the previews. The 9-foot camper truck is kinda hard to sneak around in, ya know? The second movie was Untraceable, which was pretty stupid- 'twas about some guy who was torturing and killing people live on the internet and the "murder weapon" is attached to a counter and they die faster if more people visit the site. The end was gay... no spoilers though.

Okay, this is goddamn hilarious...

Nothing else has really been going on... the cops are really up my ass lately. That's just about it- the library is 'bout to close anyways.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

if he wasn't, I'd never have a ride

The great debate continues! "Michelle is nothing but a whore, blah blah blah shit-talking!" "No, I love reading her, blah blah blah props!" It entertains the shit outta me, really it does, I encourage the shit-talkers and the props-givers to continue to excercise their freedom of speech on my blog. I'm all excited every time I log on (bout twice a week) to read all the crap that has been posted. That being said, I gotta answer a couple things...

"The phone you found is bugged" I believe it! Good thing the battery died and I don't have a charger for it.

"Do you really think that Greg is real?" If he wasn't, I'd never have a ride although I'd have a lot more money. Actually that's not true- I'd spend ALL my money on dope if Greg were make-believe. So praise the lord for my Greggie.

Libby: "How on earth did you find that?" I had found it a whiles back. I typed my url into google to see if anyone had been talking about me and- bingo! You probably did bring traffic here, so I appreciate it.

"Seems to be exactly what blogs are here for: the open sharing of viewpoints and ideas." Damn skippy! That's why I don't delete any comments, even though I have the power to as the 'blog-master'.

Anyways, I was sitting on a bus-stop bench in front of my store, doing sudoku out of a puzzle book, when I hear my name being yelled from the parking lot. It was the liutenant (however that's spelled) and he was all sorts of pissed off. The following is what went down between us (more or less):

Lt: Michelle! Get over here right now!
me: What's up?
Lt: Get the fuck out of my city right now!
me: Okay. [start to walk north into the bordering city]
Lt: [yells something I can't hear] Oh, you're a dead bitch! [pulls up in front of me] Don't you ever fucking walk away from me!
me: I thought you told me to get the fuck out of your city?
Lt: No, I told you to get over here!
me: I can't do both at once, you know.
Lt: Don't fuck with me! Where's your stem? ["stem" means crackpipe, for those of you who don't know]
me: I don't have one.
Lt: Yeah, bullshit. Put your hands out! You're under arrest!
me: For what?
Lt: Because I felt like it!
me: Is that gonna be on the police report?

Okay, okay, I'll admit I didn't say that last line. He did say "because I felt like it", that I didn't make up. But I didn't ask him if it was gonna be on the police report, although I had to bite my lip to keep that line from tumbling out of my mouth. Truth is, I wouldn't have been able to say it with a straight face and if I had mouthed off and laughed at him, I'd be in jail right now. This is not a cop to fuck with. Anyways, he told me not to come in his town again, blah blah blah. I don't know what struck me so humorous about the whole exchange, I thought it was great though. Maybe I wouldn't have thought it was so great if he actually had arrested me "because he felt like it." Guess that would stop the laughter.

Would you like to be against THIS guy in a court of law? Thought not. He's a fucking community hero!

God damn I am stoned.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

hard out here for a pimp

Wow, 41 comments, mostly consisting of shit-talking! I feel so goddamned important! Thanks for the support, baby brother, but I'm straight. You know how I feel about what random strangers think about me... it's equal to a sparrow's fart in a hurricane. I got so much shit going on for real (the hurricane) that I just don't feel the hate (little sparrow toots) coming from people I will never even meet in real life. Hah!

The shit-talking didn't keep me away, 'twas my own junkyness keeping me away in that I didn't have time to get to the library and update. I logged on today for the first time in over a week, if I'm not mistaken.

I found a cellphone on a motel room floor! It's a LG Verizon phone, mp3 player, camera, all sorts of cool shit. Anyone who wants it, email me.

One of my dealers got busted! Then 3 new people came out of the woodwork (or out of my friends' houses) to replace her. Hooray! Now I know 5 dope dealers!

Me and Greg are back together. I love that man, really I do, and I'm stuck to him like hell even though he is very mean to me sometimes. But hell, I understand. It's hard out here for a pimp.

Monday, January 7, 2008

a man who can't count to six

I broke up with Greg. I'm "hiding out" and not letting anyfuckingbody know where I'm at. Actually Greg kinda broke up with me. He was bitching about me doing shots "every two hours" when I had done 1 all day and it had been nearly 6 hours before asking for the last one. I said I didn't want to be with a man who can't count to six and then he threw me out of his truck (literally). I started walking away, then he started calling my cellphone nonstop. Ring ring ring. "Where are you? I'm coming to get you." But me, I refused to get in the truck. Fuck that asshole. I had money and dope- what else do I need?

Well, the money went up in smoke and the dope is gone too, and now I'm trying to stay clean, at least as much as I can. I'm coming off with pain pills so I don't go through as much hell. Whatever. I'm gonna fix this goddamn mess if it's the last thing I do.


Diamond: You're more gangsta than I could ever hope to be. I wish you were always around when people fucked with me.

Artie Blackmon: Damn are you bold! Read my e-mail.

Jin: At the risk of sounding like a lesbian/feminist, most men are assholes.

Boston Joe: Hey, I don't even know who that person is! I wouldn't put it past him to be a cop...

Anonymous #1: Ummmmm, okay?

Taxitalk: Damn straight!

Jsquared: Hey, I am a firm believer in freedom of speech- I certainly use mine, why shouldn't everyone use theirs? Thats why I leave up all the flames- oh, also cause I don't give a rat's ass what strangers think of me or my life. Fuck 'em!

Anonymous #2: Ha ha!

Jin: It is all of that and more. Don't run out and try it, I'm not saying that for god's sake, but it truly is a beautiful experience.

Anonymous #3: That's my business.

Anonymous #4: Whateva, whateva, I do what I want!

Ian: How sweet

Kevin: Thanks for the support, but fuck 'em. Let them use their first amendment rights! Flame on, motherfuckers!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

presumably to dispose of the bodies

I'm not gonna bother with a play-by-play. New years eve sucked nuggets. I was with my friend from my hometown, who came to Florida to take me back west with him. He was kinda pissed when I decided I didn't want to go, I might still go but I might not. We were supposed to leave tonight, but I have until tomorrow to decide. Whatever. Anyways, new years eve was spent in Miami. I didn't drink and barely got high, just enough heroin to keep my head screwed on right, I was just sad. I made the incredible mistake of calling Rob and confiding something in him, now he's on my dick and won't get off. That man doesn't seem to understand that I don't want what he wants for me. Rob if you're reading this (and I know you read this)- LOSE MY PHONE NUMBER. I'm sorry I called you, but hell, I didn't know you were gonna drag your skinny ass back to Florida just to give me shit and piss me off all day! I'm not Miss fucking Cleo, but here's a prediction anyway: call my boyfriend again and you'll be sorry.

2008 has been good to me so far. I almost got robbed- there's a good story. I was walking down Okeechobee Blvd (near Congress) minding my own shit when this big white dude comes up and starts asking me for a dollar or something like that. I told him I didn't have, and then everything happened real quick. He pushed me down on the concrete and grabbed at my purse and my foot just swung out. It wasn't till he hit the ground that I realized what had just gone down- this bastard had tried to steal my purse and I had kicked him in the balls. Once I figured that out, I was straight-up pissed. This mofo is gonna come up to me and try to abscond with my measly-ass $39, my toys, my identification, my Clematis Street library card, my cigarettes, about 20 Newport points that I had collected throughout the day, my candy... what the hell? So I started yelling, "how are you gonna come up here and rob a bitch? You can't do that shit!" and delivered another swift kick to the nuggets. There was a taxi watching the whole thing, and he yells out, "damn girl, you a gangsta!" I ran over there (I knew better than to be a couple feet up the road when the wannabe purse-snatcher managed to stand up) and asked him how much it would cost to get a gangsta to downtown, and rode out. I never felt more like a G in my life.

I've got a big fat secret... I made the mistake of sharing with one person (Rob) and his stupid bitch ass told Greggie my secret. I denied it- "he's just trying to make me look bad, don't listen to Rob, he's fucking clown shoes, I don't know WHY he would make up something like that." I'm a pretty good liar... had a lot of practice. This is really my "honest place" since I gots no reason to lie to a buncha folks I don't know...

I made big moneys today! The minute I leave the library I gotta call my d-boy and try to get some shit, since I'm down to one bag and I need another for tonight AND one for the morning. I got the bread to cover it, it's just that out of the 4 people I deal with only 1 is holding and he told me to call him back... actually around now. Hooray! Hope it goes through.

I been writing short essays, trying to be a comedian, and wanted to share my essay entitled "Christmas":

Christmas used to be a religious holiday, and I suppose in a way it still is. We worship money, materialism, shopping, good food, and who could forget Santa Claus. The original Santa Claus was a saint, Saint Nicholas, but he's been transformed into an old fatty who breaks into your house and puts shit in your socks. If I hear someone coming down my chimney in the middle of the night, especially if he's carrying a big sack (presumably to dispose of the bodies?), I'm grabbing the fireplace poker or a baseball bat or something. Not that I've ever had a chimney. I remember when Santa Claus was explained in my kindergarden classroom down here in the South, that was the biggest concern- a lack of chimneys. I guess then he's forced to pick the lock and break in the back door instead. It doesn't really matter, because if he continues to subsist on nothing but milk and cookies he won't be around much longer. Santa's gonna have an infarction and I don't think red-nosed reindeer are particularly adept at CPR. Either that or one of the "naughty" kids who Santa's been leaving lumps of coal for is gonna whack him in the head with a shovel and take his whole bag o' gifts. These kids are on the shit list for a reason.

The following are replies to the comments left on my last post. I stole this idea from my little brother's blog, but it seems to work out real well for him, so here goes...


Diamond: It was Donna. Did you know her mom just died? She must've been 100 years old, cause Donna sure is old.

Anonymous #1: I give him my money, but he makes sure I never need anything. He pays for my food, my clothes, my cigarettes, my rent, my phone bill, my drugs, gas to drive me around, candy, and anything else I ever need out of the money I "give" him. It's not like he's lining his pockets.

Taxitalk: Aww, how sweet. I linked to you, in case you didn't see.

Anonymous #2: Yeah, I'm at Clematis Street library right now.

Anonymous #3: No, my middle name starts with A.