I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me. That's a lie. I like the drugs plenty. Quitting drugs is harder than leaving a long relationship. You know it's unhealthy, you know nothing good can come of it but if I put all the dope and coke and crack and bong-hits aside, the world would be a different place. MY world would be a different place. Will it be better in the long run, and even if so, what about the short term? Can I really walk out of this detox and never pick up another bag of heroin? Never again hit a crack stem or a joint or anything that enhances my lonely existance and gives me something to look forward to? I guess I'm sitting on the pity pot. The sick has mostly passed, but now I'm facing months of discomfort, insomnia, restlessness, shaking, boredom, and basically feeling wrong and bad. Like right now as I type this, it's about 80 degrees and I'm shivering bad every few seconds. I can't function without my opiates. Is this what I want? Or do I want to roll back to where I was before entering this detox, waking up sick and only having that one wake-up shot to screw my head on right 15 minutes before my rent is due? There is no in-between for me, I'm a full-fledged heroin addict.
If I really clean up my act- no heroin at all- I can move. I'd be free from the H-ball and chain and could leave without having to worry about enough to last for the trip plus the time it would take to find a good h source wherever I go. Even if I only move to Miami, it's still a change of scenery.
But it's a conundrum. What would be the point of having gone through all this pain, sickness, sweat, tears, seizures, torture, and boredom if I'm just gonna fall of the wagon right when I first get out? Why bother staying till tommorrow if I'm gonna hit the strip and call [dopegirl's name deleted] the second I arrive?
I have a feeling that when I write my next post, I'll be high on heroin. That thought kind of depresses me, but it's just facing reality. At least they just gave me my valium.
7 months ago