new rule: things I like, I post

if the spotted owl learns how to run a bulldozer...

I am so sick and tired of environmentalists and their endangered and protected species. More plant and animal species have gone extinct than exist now, and guess what? It had nothing to do with humans! These environmentalists, who mostly just claim to care about the environment in order to bring about social change, need to remember that humans are just as much a part of the environment as the Florida panther and the whooping crane. So we bulldozed a forest (which is home to a bunch of animals, true) to build an apartment building- so what? We did it because we need a place to live just as much as they do, and also because we *can*. If the spotted owl learns how to run a bulldozer, we'd all be in trouble.

My gas station is down to $3.91, and I've even seen cheaper around here! Could this have anything to do with the proposal to lift the oil-drilling ban for the continental shelf? Shit, drilling hasn't even started- all Bush Jr had to do was announce it! Take THAT, polar bear huggers!

My counselor at the 'done clinic wants to raise my dose, she (and a couple nurses) say my pupils are too big and I'm sneezing and yawning too much in the mornings when I come to get my shit. Apparently if I'm in withdrawal even a tiny bit, it could hurt the munchkin... I apparently hafta see the doc who will decide what's going on with my dose. Whatever, I don't mind feeling like shit when I wake up because I usually go get dosed soon after waking. Unless I wake up at 3 or 4 or 5am, like I'm in the habit of.

a whiny-little-bitch noise

My whole upper jaw fucking hurts!!

I woke up at 3am feeling like asshole, which was remedied when they upped my dose at the clinic. The doc had no problem doing that since I've been on my same dose for a while and haven't had a dirty UA yet- well, I always seem to test positive for THC (duhhh, I wonder why?) but they don't give much of a damn about that shit. Hooray for that!

Then I went to an NA meeting so I could get my clinic paper signed. I hate those meetings on gp [general principle] because they all think that addiction is a disease. Addiction isn't a disease! That's just an easy way to not have to take responsibilty for your actions while high. "Yeah grandma, I did rob your house and sell the contents for crack, but I have an incurable disease so I couldn't *help* it!!" Buncha bullshit if you ask me (and I know no one did, but this is my blog and I will fill it with my opinions and anyone who doesn't like it can hang out somewhere else- it's a big internet out there). Addicts love nothing more than not taking responsibility for their stupid choices. Yeah, I said choices. Addiction is a choice. Using drugs is a choice. Doing stupid fucking shit because you're high- well, it was a choice to get high so technically anything you do in a blackout is your fault too. Of course I include myself- after all, I'm a junkie too (just in case anyone wasn't aware of that fact, hah!).

So if addiction is a choice (and it is), then why am I still on methadone? Easy! I don't want to come off the shit, it will be hard and I'm *choosing* not to face that anytime soon. I'm physically addicted and that makes it more difficult. But how to people like me become physically addicted to drugs? By getting high... all the time. If I hadn't *chosen* to stick myself with dope-filled needles day after day after day, I would never have gotten hooked. I knew the consequences of shooting heroin (and smoking crack, and doing speed, and popping pills, and smoking cigs, etc etc etc) and yet I did the shit anyways, because it made me feel good and I liked it. How is that a disease again? Cancer is a disease- you don't get offered cancer and get to weigh your options and then choose whether or not you want it. AIDS is a disease- you can't decide to stop having AIDS before it gets out of hand. [Before anyone says this, I know you can get these diseases and others by making bad decisions, but not always. For example, smoking for years can give you cancer, but so can winning the Tour de France, right?] But drug addiction? It's a choice, plain and simple.

Another thing that pissed me off at the NA meeting was those assholes bashing MMT. Apparently they are too good to take methadone and look down on those who do. Methadone is a crutch- no shit. So are those stupid meetings. MMTs down an addictive but legal drug every morning, NAs go sit in a circle and whine about their horrible disease every afternoon. At the end of the day, what matters is that you didn't stick a needle in your vein or a crackpipe between your lips- right? That's not what the NAzis think! I didn't say that I was on methadone because I didn't want to hear the bullshit the very first time I went. Next time though, I'm gonna speak up! I love controversy, plus I feel pretty strongly about this. MMT let me go through with this pregnancy, not to mention that it pulled me off the streets and out of a vicious circle. I have nothing but respect for that program because without it I would've detoxed with nothing, and had a miscarriage months ago due to NAS (or maybe just a braindead baby) which would have made me very sad, and then I'd use that as an excuse to start banging again. Hooray for methadone maintenance!!!! I've used heroin a grand total of once since my first dose at the clinic, and I'm happier. I still miss my shit sometimes, but I must admit that this is a better way to live.

Then I went to the dentist for the first time since my childhood. The dentist confirmed my suspicions- the tooth was broken in half, apparently because of a huge-ass cavity. My first cavity. He then went on to tell me that he could pull the rotten tooth and leave a gap (please god no!! I thought to myself) or do a root canal and a build-up (?) and a crown. My dad agreed with me that a gap was bad (daddy and his magical AmEx to the rescue!) and we decided it would be better to save the tooth than pull it. My first root canal.

It was totally NOT COOL!!! The drill freaked me the fuck out. I don't even like the noise that a nail-file makes, or sandpaper on wood- it makes me shudder, that nasty scrape-scrape-scrape sound. *ughhhhh* So I took my ipod with me and cranked the volume up as loud as it would go and shut my eyes hard. I could still hear the drill. The novocaine didn't numb everything, apparently there was a "curve in the nerve ending that didn't get numbed" which of course hurt like a son of a bitch every time he poked it with a sharp thingy. He did that a lot, and I'd feel it from my jaw to my skull all the way down my spine, and immediately jump in the air and make a whiny-little-bitch noise. This kept happening over and over. Between the sharp pokes to a rotten nerve ending and the drill scaring the shit outta me, I was a little crybaby there in the dentist's chair.

One good thing- I didn't have a full-fledged panic attack until after the dentist was finished and I stood up out of the chair. I wasn't standing up for long, let me tell you! I apologized for being a whiny little bitch, stood up to smoke a cig, and immediately started shaking and crying and collapsed on the ground. They said I did great because I didn't try to stop the dentist, or jump out of the chair, or bite, or scream, or punch anybody, or throw up on anyone. When they shoved that piece of plastic all the way down my throat and left it there- well, it's a damn good thing I don't have a gag reflex, huh?

So... that sucked. And I have to go in 2 more times! Once for "the build-up" whatever that means, once for the crown. I want gold, it's actually cheaper than porcelain. One gold tooth that's not a grill? I like the idea... yeah, I like it a lot. :)

REPLIES:

"i lost my first tooth 2 weeks ago congradulations its all starting to catch up with us 23 yrs old and we over the hill!!"

Don't worry baby! Where you live, you'll blend right in... especially on those trips to Coulby.

"you suck"

For a living, baby! But seriously, is that the best you can do? Really? *sigh*

"Do you think doctors, writers, designers, etc. are just working for the money? Don't you have any desire to do anything with your life?"

What you are referring to here isn't a job, it's a career. Now, I'm going through a lot of shit right now, basically my life just got flipped completely upside down and I'm doing everything differently. If I start thinking about a career now- well, I'm already psychotic and I don't want to overwhelm myself. Right now I'm not focusing on "the rest of my life" and my career, I'm thinking about a)becoming a mama b)making money for right now c)staying clean d)this blog! And that's enough for any bitch to come to terms with at once- especially a crazy one.

"CAN WE SEE A PIC OF GREEGIE ? OR IS HE SHY"

Greg has asked me not to put any pictures of him or his camper online, and I respect that. If he ever changes his mind though, I will be on that soooo quick! So yeah, he is shy. :)

heh...

like a stereotypical gap-toothed southerner

^^There was an anthill under this stop sign and I got my feet tore up...

<-- Me and Greg's friend Hector.

Well, these dope dreams are sure getting out of hand. I'm up every single morning at 5am or earlier because the dope dreams scare me awake and I can't lay there cause I feel like shiiiiit! It stays on though, nights and mornings suck now and I think maybe I should try to get my dose upped, I'm trying to just maintain but whatever...

Greg has been over pretty much every day this week, which is cool. He finished the counter finally which is cool because now he can come over without that pretense. Last night we saw X-Files 2 at drive-in and it wasn't very good, all that noise with a priest-turned-pedophile-turned-psychic was kinda stoopid.

Oh, and I think I'm gonna lose one of my teeth- all that crack and coke and meth and heroin catching up with me I guess. I've never even had a *cavity* before, crazy huh? Now I got a loose hurty tooth and lucky for me it's right in the front. Of course Medicaid doesn't cover dental, even dental emergencies. Hopefully I don't look like a stereotypical gap-toothed southerner- although I know I must sound like one at times!

Gas prices are going down! Sure, I'm technically keeping track of only ONE gas station in my city, but they are going down everywhere. Here is "my" gas station, prices be going down every 2 days like clockwork!
Thurs 7/24 - $3.99
Fri 7/25 - $3.99
Sat 7/26 - $3.95

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"once you start having seizures from coke shots you can have them even when you not high."

I got a mild seizure disorder from fucking my nervous system with tons of uppers when I was younger- the coke came later. The scariest part is that I never remember actually having a seizure, usually just come to with my tongue bit open and people looking at me weird. With coke seizures I start screaming hysterically and everything- not cool in the middle of the night with drugs all over the room and everyone all coked up!

"My friend Joe had a seizure from hitting in his neck. It happened a couple times after that even though he was off the neck for good... Any of these dumbfucks that want to say you are still using need to take a closer look at your pics. You are far from what still slammin' preggo junky looks like."

I never hit in my neck, not ever. Too scary. And thanks for that, I sho' nuff don't look like a crazy junky bitch no more. I've asked Greggie to come up with some of my old pics, from when I was working the streets and bangin' on the daily (ya know, before I got knocked up) and I'm gonna post them. Compare and contrast, bitches!

"hey angel member when you did that hugee shot of crystal and herion and kept yelling evryone to shut up even though no one was sayin nothing and then ran to evry room in the crib before finaly haviung a seizure, wow that was wild"

E, my bestest friend in meatspace! Why always on here sharing crazy stories? Don't you have an empire to run or something? To answer your question- yeah, I remember that, but I remember it differently. I did that ridiculous powerball of course and I remember telling people to shut up, but I didn't know no one was saying anything and didn't care either because suddenly the noise in my head was fucking INTENSE and seconds away from breaking my sanity forever. Then I ran to the kitchen, probably to get something cold to drink. I don't remember any other rooms- in fact after my feet hit the tile floor of the kitchen, the next thing I remember is being in the *freezing* shower with all my clothes on with you and Victoria holding me up (was Micheal there?) and your dad was standing in the doorway saying "I don't want to know what's going on, I don't really care, just keep that goddamn noise down would y'all? I had a hard day at work" or something. Damn, what was that- 8 or 9 years ago? At least 7 years ago, if Victoria was still with us [[moment of silence]]. Thanks for the memories either way, I guess.

"Have you ever thought of getting a JOB before whoring yourself, on camera, no less?"

Define "job." That's something you do for money, right? Well then... whoring myself for money isn't any less of a job that working alongside you at Starbucks: "I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to put cream in your coffee, yessir of course you said milk, I'll fix that right away sir, I don't know about a free upgrade though, let me get my manager!" Sorry, I like renting my body for $$ and will continue to do it as long as I can. I know I'm not the hottest bitch on earth (although I *am* hot enough to not care what YOU think!) but I do all right for myself.

"Do you think you could've fainted, or are you sure it was a seizure? Hopefully it doesn't happen again."

I guess I could've fainted, but the whole keyboard thing ws on the floor and the resulting scratch on my arm is mighty deep (it's deeper than I originally thought it was) so I'm guessing I slammed it with some force.

possible seizure activity

I had a seizure today... I think.

I was sitting at the computer, I honestly don't remember anything else although I might have been on the floor at one point. If I was, I got back on the chair really quick because when I "came back" and looked around the room, shit was all wrong. I was sitting in the same place on the computer chair, but next to me there is an empty box that used to hold golf clubs and it was on its side when it used to be standing up. And my arm hurt! My wrist was cut slightly and I had a lllooonnnggg scratch (super shallow, like a giant paper cut) down my inner arm. Then I noticed the garbage can next to the 'puter was tipped over, and the keyboard was on the floor. It usually sits on one of those pull-out keyboard things that you slide into the desk when you are finished with it (that's the best I can describe?) and the whole pull-out wooden thing was on the floor too with the keyboard, also the little wheels holding the pull-out thing onto the desk. Judging by the scratch, I think I whacked the corner of the pulled-out keyboard with my arm hard enough to knock the whole mess onto the floor. It's a scary feeling, waking up and all your shit is on the floor and you don't know what the fuck happened.

I told my mom, and guess what the first thing she asked was? If Greggie had brought me any coke! She has seen me have a coke seizure after a particularly vicious shot, so I guess she assumed, but I have seizures without cocaine occasionally. I told Greg my mom had asked that, and he asked if my mom had given me any coke. I don't blame him, I would've taken that as an insult. Hell, I would love a good coke shot but I don't think I could find a bitch that would sell to my pregnant ass. Plus... I just wouldn't do it is all. Only reason I told her was cause I couldn't get the keyboard back on the pull-out thing correctly, and didn't want her to think I purposely trashed it cause I was mad or whatever. That's pretty lame, as I use the 'puter more than she does!

I love blogs and message boards. Is it possible to get hooked on blogs and message boards? I was invited back on opiophile.org today. Actually I was invited a few days ago, but didn't check my email so I found out today. I wasn't gonna go back there on the GP (I got banned for calling Barack Obama a nigger on a site where "your dirty language is accepted, and fucking encouraged") that the admin is a hypocrite. But most of the folks there are mighty cool, plus I get to add my blog link as my post signature! Hooray! I think I'm part of 5 message boards now, and keep up with god knows how many blogs. Fun fun!

The Sunoco gas station on Forest Hill and Fla Mango speaks volumes about what is going on with fuel prices in my part of the world, and I ride by it daily so I will write the price of [regular] gas each time I post. If you don't care... well, I can't do much about *that* now can I?

7/19 Sat - $4.09

7/20 Sun- $4.06

7/21 Mon - $4.06

7/22 Tues - $4.03

7/23 Wed - $4.03

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"at the very least they need to seperate the real pedos from the guys who got caught fucking a teenager. there is a big difference."

Amen, sister!

"if i started a blog would you red me?"

If you started a blog the feds would read you. Stay anonymous and free!

"Pregnant woman glows!!! You look so pathetic, more like Dulcinea.I hope your boyfriend is not Don Quixote."

Ummmmmmmm....... what? I don't get it.

"One of the reasons I love your blog is you're so honest and upfront. You hold nothing back and I admire that."

Thanks baby, it comes with not caring what people think about me or what I say. Why should I hold back? We are all entitled to our opinions, and a blog is the perfect forum for uncensored sharing.

attack lizards, and GTFO

Today is my brother Lucas' 20th birthday! Happy bday to him, hooray! I went to the grocery store and bought $30 worth of fish for him and all his little wanker buddies to eat for dinner, it sure broke the bank since I'm not working and all, but I love my lil bro!! I couldn't sit with them at dinner though, because honestly I've reached the point of saturation about comic-book talk. I used to not care one way or another, but now I hate hate hate all comics. My apathy has turned violent, and of course that's all these lame friends of his talk about! Well, that and role playing games. How bored do you have to be with your life, that everything has to be superheros and warriors and wizards and shit? Hell, it's a lamer escape than heroin. Lucas, I know you read me, and I'm NOT SORRY hahahahahaha!!!! But I do love you.

I bought a disposable camera today for six bucks, and I'm gonna take my pics and get 'em developed on a cd-rom so I can plop them online. They won't be nearly as good as Greggie's pictures, which are taken with a GOOD camera by a GOOD photographer, but I'll get a chance to capture stupid bullshit that I couldn't before. Like the garden snake on my front porch this morning.

I have decided that somewhere in the neighborhood, there is a Reptile Overlord who wants to scare me or something. Three days in a row, lizards on the front porch- attack lizards! I don't want the things to die in there (they get in, but they can't get out!) so I pick them up and throw them into the bushes and they always bite me. I never notice they've bitten me until I go to put 'em out, when they are attached to my finger at the mouth. So I shake 'em off gently as not to break their little jaws. The third day, one of those huge curly-tale lizards that are all over SoFla in the summer (I call them baby godzillas). I didn't pick that one up, I shooed it out and it bit me and that DID hurt, but not a lot. Then today, a little snake. I guess the Reptile Overlord thought that all girls are scared of snakes, even when they aren't scared of lizards. I'm only scared of water mocassins (it's *their* mating season too!) and coral snakes, and this little guy was a foot long and all black- not exactly what nightmares are made of. I got him outside easily. I actually like snakes, they are nothing but tails with heads and they move so damn cool! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle- hah! Snakes.

When Greg was driving me home the other day, I seen a shopping cart. For those of you who know my part of town, it was on the corner of Lake Worth Road and South Shore Blvd, where LWR ends out west. For those of you who don't know, it's in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. The closest thing is the fire station. And the shopping cart was empty. That's another thing I need to photograph. What the hell was that cart doing there? Where did it come from? The closest grocery store is on 441 and LWR, which is about a 10 minute drive from South Shore. Did they push that shit from 441? And if so- why leave it there? There's no homeless people in that part of town, they are all out east (if there are homeless out west, they are more discreet about their predicament and don't walk around with shopping carts lest the police get called and they get carted either to jail or to the east side anyways). Weird, huh.

Sex offenders shouldn't have to register when they are out of jail. If they did their time, then by our laws they have repaid their debt to society (by sitting in a cell, I guess?) and shouldn't be treated like they are on probation for the rest of their lives. Any time anyone looks cross eyed at a little kid, all sex offenders in the area get hauled in for questioning. It's a load of crap! I know someone PERSONALLY, a female 20something lesbo who got in trouble for consensual sex with a 17-year-old girl, whose parents called the police. The girl didn't testify, give a statement, or press charges- but the parents did, of course. Statutory- but they called it "lewd and lascivious sexual battery with a minor 15-17". That little girl had to register as a sex offender and will be one for the rest of her life, on the same list with men who rape babies and rip 'em in half. And if a toddler disappears in her city, her ass will be called in- she's not a violent criminal at all! If you kill somebody and get caught, you probably go to prison, but when/if you get out, it's done. Once you got "time served," you shouldn't have to have a problem with law enforcement any time someone else does anything. That's what I think. Once these sex offenders done their time, it shouldn't be their introduction to the neighborhood- "hi, I'm a sex offender!" It's stupid and obnoxious.

Another thing I hate: drug addicts who blame other people for their behavior. Yeah, I was a drug addict, ya know why? Because I loved drugs and I chose them. Yeah, there's a point where it's damn difficult to stop, but anyone who uses drugs long enough to fall in love with them- it's their fault. "Oh, I've been smoking crack for 20 years but it's not MY fault, I couldn't help it, no one understands me, it's the way I was raised, my daddy raped me when I was a kid, my mom didn't love me, my first boyfriend beat me, I have post-traumatic stress disorder, I was mugged in an alleyway, I had a miscarriage, my parents were alcoholics, so you see, I *had* to smoke rock, it's not my fault!!" Fuckin' jackasses. I say GTFO, which means Get The Fuck Over it. Anyone over 25 years of age who starts a tearful or whiny complaint with the words "when I was ___ years old..." and the number in that blank is 12 or under, they need to shut up and GTFO. I had my share of shit, but guess what? There's folks been through much worse than me and didn't do the things I did, as well as folks that haven't been through half of what I been through and did way worse than me (violence, robbery, etc). We all have to make choices in life, and just because other people in our lives (parents, signifigant others, etc) made bad choices doesn't mean we have to make bad choices too. Everything I did was my fault. All of it. Any other drug addicts in the house- guess what? It's your fault you get high. Now you can choose to continue to get high, or choose to stop. Not easy to stop- HELLS no it's not easy, but you chose to get high until it was this hard to stop. Drug addicts, accept responsibility for your shit and get the fuck over it already!

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"I started all the way from the beginning so that I could understand everything you write about. You really sound like a cool ass chick!"

Wow, you read this bullshitfest of a blog from beginning to end? Double wow. You got some patience and dedication, that's for damn sure. I don't think even I could read all the long-winded rambling I've typed into here since '06! I applaud you for it. I read your blog too, some of it at least, and I welcome you onto my link list. What an honor, right? <-- sarcasm

"Aren't your enemy "Jake" and Lucas good friends?"

No, Lucas' friend is a different Jake. In fact, that Jake was at my house tonight, stuffing his face with fish along with the rest of those kids. And although he beat me to it, he is not my enemy. Hell, I've never even met the guy! I like to think that I don't have enemies. Jake (a name that might or might not be real) is someone who leaves harsh comments on my blog. That doesn't make him my "enemy", it makes him someone who doesn't like me. I like the term hater, although he will deny that too. Flamer and troll are also good ones.

"But an enemy? Way back when Michelle first announced she was knocked up, I actually emailed her and offered to not only get her into rehab, but also to look into getting it funded 100%. Not state paid rehab, PRIVATE rehab. There are plenty of grants and donations that would have helped cover the cost. I even offered to personally cover whatever the grants DIDN'T cover. She had a free ride to a GOOD rehab place.... but she refused to go."

He is telling the truth- he did do that. But by that point, I was already at West Palm Beach Treatment Center and doing well. Also I had been told by my doc that coming off dope while I was pregnant would be the WRONG decision for the baby, and that methadone was really the safest bet for both of us. So why fuck up a good thing? I do appreciate the offer, and I emailed him back without mentioning a word on here. In fact if I remember correctly, he asked me not to say anything about it! And then he brings it up... not like it matters. But I gotta say (since I try to be truthful on here) that he's not lying. Whatever.

the amazing Corn Pops squirrel

I feel so *violated*

Okay, so my boy "E" weaseled his way into my Blogger account. Assholio! I do forgive him, since I called and he offered up the new password [which I changed, ya jackass!] in exchange for leaving up his "post" saying that if I deleted it, he'll just take my account over again. What an asshole way of letting me know he's coming to town, huh? Bitch coulda emailed me, called the house, left a message NOT using my s/n... lotsa stuff he could have done. Crazy mo-fucker. So E, as you can see you won. I left your shit up, although the least you could've done is give it a title. Like, "I hacked Shelley's account" or whatever. There- I posted! Are ya happy now??

fast fast fast and kicking ass ass ass
south side for life!

angel/michelle is my road dawg my bestest friend
call me if you wanna "fix this" har har har !! !! !!

all that goth-y makeup and red scars

Finally hooked up with some pot. Took long enough! I was ready to go knock Ghetto White Boy's door down, he keeps saying he's getting it "tommorow". Oh well, money spent elsewhere.

This morning at John Prince Park I fed a squirrel a crapload of Corn Pops. I kept throwing cereal closer and closer to my feet, at first it didn't even want to eat them but once it tasted one, it came after 'em. Near the end, squirrel was like half an inch from my shoe just to grab some sugary snacks. Got that little ratty-rat hooked! The way squirrels eat is so cute, Greg took some pics but I know how he is so I won't get them for a minute. :)

BAD accident tonight on Lake Worth Road and Military Trail. Greg and I were riding and there was a little white car all smashed to hell and ambulances and police all over the place blocking the intersection. Shoulda seen it.

Dark Knight came out last night, which means that Chevy Boy is already trying to sell me a copy where you can hear the people in the audience better than the people on the screen. Good thing I saw it last night at the drive-in. Heath Ledger with all that goth-y makeup and red scars, acting all crazy? He couldn't be any hotter. Too bad he's dead... he overdosed on medication that he was put on after locking himself in a motel room for a couple weeks reading nothing but Joker comics. Getting into the role of psychotic killer didn't agree with his brain chemistry, I guess, making Heath Ledger the first real-life victim of the imaginary Joker! Weird to think about, huh?

Why is Young Jeezy the snowman? Why does he close shop, do his count, then hide the rest of the yams at his auntie's house? What the fuck are yams? Why is DJ Paul from Three 6 Mafia hustlin' hay? I don't get these "obscure" drug references in rap songs. It's not like if they were straight out with what they were talking about, someone would lock them up. If you're gonna rap about being a drug dealer, it's better to just be straight-out with it, like when Jay Z says "we the dope boys of the year, drinks is on the house." I don't understand what's so goddamn cool about being a d-boy anyways. Yes, it's necessary that someone in each 'hood fills the position, and you can make a lot of money with it. No shit. But being a pharmacist isn't considered cool, and that's bascially the same idea: people approach you when they need some sort of drugs, and you exchange cash for it which doesn't necessarily go to you but you do end up paid at the end of the day.

"the t-o-p to the d-o-g, or the p-o-t to the g-o-d, and I'm trippin' " -Kid Rock

Yeah, I listen to some lame music... what can ya do.

bored as hell and I wanna get ill so I'm headed to the place where my homeboys chill

Your Risk Taking Level: High

Not only do you take risks when the chances of payoff are great... You take risks simply for their own sake. You are beyond a risk taker. You are a thrill seeker. You love the rush you get from doing something potentially dangerous.

http://www.blogthings.com/areyouarisktakerquiz/">Are You a Risk Taker?

You Are Profoundly Disturbing

You're weird, freaky, and maybe even a little psycho. You aren't just attracted to darkness - you thrive in it. Your interests are downright creepy, and you may even lack normal human empathy. While there's no harm in enjoying the macabre, remember to keep your vilest thoughts to yourself!

http://www.blogthings.com/areyoudisturbinglyprofoundquiz/">Are You Disturbingly Profound or Profoundly Disturbing?

Your Bedroom Personality: Wild

In the bedroom, you are eager to try anything that's new - and even daring. You are up for experimenting. In fact, that's pretty much all you do. And while there's never a dull moment with you, your wild ways can be a bit overwhelming. You may be afraid of being a "one trick pony," but it's okay to keep things basic from time to time.

What's" Your Bedroom Personality?

You Are Bad With Money

You're probably constantly broke - or you will be soon. You spend like there's no tomorrow, and for you, tomorrow is looking pretty grim. Put off some purchases, get out of debt, and stop living above your means. You could be rich someday - but you need money to make money.

http://www.blogthings.com/areyougoodwithmoneyquiz/">Are You Good With Money?

You Are Totally Prejudiced

You judge people on their race, gender, sexual orientation, and ethnic background... Even before you have a chance to get to know them! While you think you know people, you really don't have a clue about them. Get to know individuals for who they are... and you'll be surprised what you find out.

http://www.blogthings.com/areyouprejudicedquiz/">Are You Prejudiced?

You Have a Big Mouth

When it comes to secrets, you really don't have any. You aren't self conscious in the least about who you are. And while it's good to be open, you sometimes turn people off with your honesty. Continue to share your life - but keep the sauciest details to yourself!

http://www.blogthings.com/doyouhaveabigmouth/">Do You Have a Big Mouth?

http://quiz.devbook.com/quizzes/gangster.php">Are you a Gangster?
Devbook Quizzes!!

this hilarious piece of mail

http://www.polarbearsos.org/

Those crazy liberals and their crazy bullshit. I first learned about Polar Bear SOS through a petition that was sent to my mom, detailing how the big bad Bush administration (my mom counted, the words "the Bush administration" were used 15 times in 4 pages) is "putting polluter profits before the needs of the polar bears" and asking for donations to save these bears, which by the way are not technically an endangered species. For those of you who didn't receive this hilarious piece of mail and are too lazy to click on the above link, I'll give ya the basics. The Bush administration, those horrible horrible people, are drilling for oil where the polar bears live. The polar bears, who need donations to save them and won't make anybody any money. As one columnist online said (I'm paraphrasing because I can't remember the exact words, but either way I won't claim it as my own since I'm not a thief), "liberals don't want anyone to drill. Liberals don't want us to have any oil at all. They want us to ride bicycles and then die. We deserve it, because we were mean to the polar bears." Hahahaha! Anyways, I sent back the petition (after blacking out my mom's name and address at her request) unsigned with my own little commentary scribbled on it. It's a free country, right? I bet it's not the only one they get back like that either. I know I didn't make a difference for anything, but guess what? Neither will Polar Bear SOS. The drilling will go on. If it turns out I'm wrong, I hope somebody calls me on it because I don't watch the news...

Just finished watching Shutter, which I believe came on DVD on Tuesday. I can't watch scary movies by myself (I get nightmares) but I like 'em quite a bit, and Greggie doesn't like the horror shit. My mom used to like scary movies, she used to be fun, now everything is "what would Jesus do?" and let me tell you, that narrows down any list of possible activities to... well, not a lot. "Jesus wouldn't watch slasher movies." "Jesus wouldn't smoke pot." "Jesus wouldn't say that about someone." No fun at all. Anyways, Shutter wasn't a slasher movie, it actually turned out to be pretty cool and scary. It reminded me of The Ring, which was awesomely terrifying. When that bitch came out the TV... glorious.

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"Do you miss the other life... fuck its been awhile since I vented I can't do it with my blog its becoming an issue, how do you do it?"
Yeah, sometimes I miss it more than other times. It's crazy, when I'm in the middle of the game it's fun mixed with bullshit but once I'm out, all I can remember is the fun times. I wonder why it works like that? Why can't you write whatever you want on your blog, it is yours. Do the folks at your school read you or something? If so, start a new one and don't give 'em the url (but leave it here!) then speak yer damn mind. We all gots the right. How do I do it, I just don't care what others think, which is easier than it sounds.

"I just started reading your shit. I have had you in my favs for 1 week but just got to a point where I can really sit down and take it all in. Love your writing, can't wait to read more."
Awww, thanks. It's easy to brush off the hate, but the love still gives me warm fuzzies. :)

"Deleting comments now, huh? What's the matter, truth getting to you? "I don't want to go up, even though my dose doesn't matter to the baby."Wow. Just.... wow. Then you go on to say..."Any dose between 20 and 200mg affects a kid in the same way, if it affects them at all- mild-to-severe withdrawal symptoms lasting less than a week"....which clearly states it DOES affect the baby."
Jake! My all-time favorite hater! I couldn't delete comments if I wanted to, I could set it so there's no anon people allowed to comment or so that I have to "moderate" aka proofread all the comments and decide what will go up on the blog and what won't. But I just let it be a free-for-all. What comment am I being accused of deleting? Was it one of yours? Can you post it again? Maybe you mean that I didn't respond to one of yours, which might be true. That's why this is called, selected replies. I select and then reply. Maybe what you said wasn't worth answering. For the other thing you said, the fact that I'm on methadone does matter to the kid- of course. But if my dose goes up or down, THAT doesn't make a difference. Basically, once we're on it we're on it and 20 or 200mg, it's the same shit. My dr told me that if I tried to detox my kid would die, so by going on methadone I'm actually following my dr's recommendation. I'm sorry if I believe him more than your shit-talking ass. No, wait... I'm not sorry at all! Hah! Anyways, thanks for the hate- you always put thought into what you say, and I enjoy reading your comments much more than the folks that can't think of anything more creative that "u suck ur a whore" or whatever.
Oh and the comment of yours that I "deleted" was it here?
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=3069370851055279753&postID=2038849876336364081

"I just love people who go around judging ppl they dont even know dont you?Anyhow I would like to put a link to your blog on mine is that kool?"
Jake thinks he knows me. In fact, I'm convinced that he thinks he knows a lot more than he does- just like me! Oh my god, that means he and I have something in common! Argh! :) But I don't mind the "judging", you can't air your dirty laundry online for the world to read and then complain when people don't like you. It comes with the territory. I'm not like Obama, who you can't make any jokes about because he thinks he can run for president and not have anyone in the country dislike him out loud. What an asshole! But I digress... yes, by all means put up a link. I always like readers. I would link to you if I could see your site, but apparently I can't so when you got content on your blogspot- let me know! Stick around baby, I try to keep it interesting even though my life has been pretty boring lately.

New pictures are coming! They have already been took, they just need to be given to me on a disk (I don't have a digital camera, but Greg does as he is an amateur photographer) or emailed to me or something. For those of you who don't like my pics because of my slutty-ass clothes: don't look! Till next time...

one of the whiter white folk

I woke up at 8am but didn't leave for the clinic right away (I was playing around online, hah) so I didn't get there until 930am. I never get there that late, and I can't honestly say I was sick but I was jittery and yawning and my skin didn't feel right. Of course I was fine an hour later, my dose is high enough and I don't want to go up, even though my dose doesn't matter to the baby. Any dose between 20 and 200mg affects a kid in the same way, if it affects them at all- mild-to-severe withdrawal symptoms lasting less than a week in about 50% of methadone kids, much better stats than heroin and coke babies.

After the clinic, I went to see Greg at work. He goes to lots of different job sites, and for a week he's near the clinic so I called him and asked to stop by. Lucky for me, it was his 15-minute break. My mom was with me, we were on our way to the beach, because Greggie bought me a new swimsuit the other day (it took me 25 tries to get a bikini that fits and actually looks good on me!). So we went to Singer Island, I've spent too much time inside lately and my tan is leaving. I mean living in SoFla I have a year-round tan and am pretty dark in the summer, but I'm one of the whiter white folk and trust me, by SoFla standards I am PALE. Now my brown is coming back, slather lotion on this sunburn and it'll soak right in as a tan. I never peel, I've been living down here too long and I know how not to peel even with real bad burns!

Tonight I went out to dinner just with my brother. I'm so proud of him, he's trying all sorts of different new foods while he is a VERY picky eater, has been since he started eating solids. When he was 5 and ate plain hamburgers and spaghetti with no sauce, we just figured he'd grow out of it. When he was 15 and ate plain hamburgers and spaghetti with no sauce, everyone still thought he'd grow out of it but I knew better by that point (and so did he). By now, only one of my aunts thinks he will "grow out of it" and I can't for the life of me figure out why they can't just admit that he doesn't like most food, it's not as bad as everyone makes it out to be- he makes his own food when he doesn't like what he's served instead of sitting there picking and bitching. He is almost 20, still only eats a few things- it's not a phase or stage, he is crippled when it comes to food. Crazy kid said that chicken and steak and pork chops all taste the same!! Me, I got really refined taste buds. Not "refined" like a taste for fancy food (although I do like just about everything), but "refined" in the sense of finely tuned, like I can taste a food and know basically all the ingredients. I can tell butter from margarine in scrambled eggs, cream from milk in chowder, and tell you everything the cook put into whatever recipe I am eating at the moment. Between my refined tastes and the fact that I like all foods and love variety, I take being a food-lover to a new level. I'll try anything once, whether it's food, drink, drugs, activities, anything. That's gotten me in more trouble than anything.

This manic shit is getting out of control. I blast the ipod headphones because it drowns out all the head-noise. I can't tell if what I write makes sense anymore. Whatever.

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"weirdo"

Very much so.

"What is you legal case about? You have spoken of it many times but I missed what you were charged with."

Possession of heroin, it's a warrant for a long time ago that just got brought up in April. I honestly don't feel like typing the whole situation back out, so here are some links where I said what was going on:

http://michelleldub.blogspot.com/2008/04/stupid-old-warrants.html

http://www.stopdrugprohibition.com/Community/showthread.php?t=1051

"Awww, I love that pregnancy countdown ticker you put up, it's so cute! I was looking for one when I found out I was pregnant in May, but I miscarried last month :("

Would you believe I put that up about 3 minutes before you commented here? I'm usually not online this late (it's 1115pm). I didn't know you were preg, did you stop using when you found out? I can't judge you if you didn't, that shit is hard! I didn't manage to stop using until the 3rd month even though I knew before that, even though it's fucked up. Sorry to hear about the m/c, but it's not necessarily a bad thing to miscarry especially if you aren't ready to have a kid. Hell I'm due in September and I don't know if I'm even ready! Aaaah!

y'all have overwhelmed me with your powers of deduction

So, I got me an attorney! I'll post updates on the case as they come, but she's pretty sure I won't see the inside of a jail cell (unless I get arrested again before the case resolution, but hell- I'm clean and not taking probation so I won't). Hooray! Anyways, here are my replies to some of the various comments:

"There are two kinds of people in this world. My kind of people and assholes."
Damn straight baby!

"Bravo to your comments about Barack. The guy is a total idiot, racist, asshole and hipocrit!!!!"
Power to the people!!

"happy birthday, guess your still growing"
You guessed right! None of my BP clothes fit no more, hah.

"I do think that prostition should be legal. If you can't sell your body what can you sell?"
It is impossible to sell your body, except in a slave trade. It's either selling sex, or renting your body- but not selling it. Because after the sex, I go home with everything I left with, plus money (some bitches will fuck for drugs, but you can buy your own drugs, so taking the cash is the only way to go). I know the appropriate response for this is "everything you left with... except your dignity" but with my fucked up morals, I've never been ashamed so, yeah. I leave with my damn dignity still intact!

"I don't think that it's minorities that are unfairly jailed. It's that white people stand a better chance at getting in less trouble for the same crimes."
Not white people, rich people. Poor whites are jailed for the same shit as poor blacks- it's the rich folks (in this country, more of whom are white) who get a good attorney and get out on some loophole or technicality. And praise Jesus for the technicalities!

"I'm not saying that your going to be Mother fuckin' Mary after she is born but I think that little baby will set some bounderies for you. Bounderies that you didn't have before."
I agree, since I've already set boundaries that I never even imagined I'd set for myself. I haven't gone this long without getting high (cept weed) since... shit, since boarding school. And I miss my booze- I didn't even have a drink on my birthday like I was gonna- so technically I haven't drank since late February/early March. I do care a lot about this kid, although I sure the fuck won't ever be up for any mother of the year awards (as Jake pointed out).

"And, it's clear to me that a lot of what you write is pure fantasy. Many of your "tales" just aren't plausible (being hit by a car, the hospital, being arrested then found the next day in a hotel room with *how much dope* up your snatch????). You need to do your research before you fabricate."
Whatever helps ya sleep at night, baby.

"You've lost your looks, honey. Those shorts only work on baby prostitutes. You're way beyond that."
23 years old, and my life is over... what's a bitch to do?

"While she thinks nothing is her fault, it's painfully clear that it's all her fault. She's one sick, stupid fuck."
I like "it's all her fault." What is, exactly? Be more specific... me being pregnant? me liking heroin? me not being able to quit cigs? Yeah, all them things are my fault, although I don't remember passing the buck on any of those... what exactly are you referring to that is my fault? Forgive me, but I've done a lot of wild shit in my life and need clarification on what precisely it is that I'm taking the blame for.

"It's clear that this blog is just your way of getting attention because your life is so frighteningly pathetic." ..... "You're right; she's an attention whore who says things for shock value without any meaning behind them. " ..... "your comments were starting to die down and being the attention whore you are you thought this would get people going again."
Omigod, you guys figured out that I like attention! What tipped you off, the fact that I post all the crazy shit that happens in my life on the internet for strangers to read? You guys all deserve gold stars for that kinda fuckin' detective work! I'm so impressed I can't even keep typing- y'all have overwhelmed me with your powers of deduction.

rap music is degrading to bitches and hos

This is gonna be really short, because I gotta go to downtown to meet with the lady who will hopefully become my attorney. I don't know if I wrote about my open case, but if I didn't- I have an OLD possession charge, it's actually from last year and they didn't actually arrest me, just took my dope and then put out a warrant in April. This lawyer is famous for "loopholes" and said that this arrest wasn't done by the books at all, so I got a chance. The judge already said he wasn't gonna throw me in jail because I'm doing good and I had quite a few people in the courtroom (at my first appearance in June) vouching for me- but he wants me on probation. Probation, if you're not familiar with it, means "go to jail later" and I'm not down with that. If you get arrested for anything, from murder to spitting on the sidewalk, they toss you in county with no bond and no court date. VOP, baby- fuck that shit. I just want to squeeze my fat preggo ass through the loopholes. I will be back later, as I want to address the comments left for me on the last post. But for all of y'all who called me an attention whore (no shit, sherlock) and said I only posted that shit for more comments- it worked, didn't it? Haha!

Anyways, I was listening to Marilyn Manson this morning, who I listened to a lot in public high school (1999-2001, no I didn't drop out, I went to private school and graduated early AND at the head of my class bitches!) but not so much anymore. Anyways theres something in one of his songs that I thought was pretty awesome and appropriate for me:

oh look, you're like a VCR
stick something in to know just who you are

I fucking love it! Although I have learned enough to know that if I listen to Manson and that sort of shit nonstop, I will get depressed and angry. Once in a while no problem, but how can a bitch NOT get depressed and angry listening all day to shit like "we sing the death song kids, cause we got no future and we wanna be just like you" and "we're the nobodies, trying to be somebody, we're dead so we know just who we are." WOW I haven't heard either of those songs for a long ass time, and I didn't look up any lyrics either. I got a head for song lyrics- I hear a song more than once and I will know the lyrics, even if I hate the song. Linkin Park, that's usually what gets stuck in my head... and I hate Linkin Park. Scream all you want, guys, you still don't have any talent. Of course right now I am listening to R Kelly, so I don't think I can judge anyone else's taste in music. I hate that even when I put this ipod on shuffle, it still plays the same 15 or so songs over and over (I have 118 songs on there now). I'm getting sick of listening to "I got hos in different area codes" even if it is a good song. I like the pimp/ho music, is that surprising? Folks who say that rap music is degrading to women aren't listening. Rap music is degrading to bitches and hos, not the rest of the female population. All ya gotta do is decide that you're neither a bitch nor a ho, and presto- the rap songs ain't talking about you! I think that's the first time I used the word "ain't" in writing, although I say it all the time (usually without realizing it). Wow I am rambling- and I am stone cold sober, haven't smoked any weed or even had my 'done yet this morning. Blah blah blah. I will log on later today and answer comments, which will be so very much fun because I agree with what another awesome blogger said: I love that something I said pissed somebody off so much that they couldn't get on with their day until they wrote something mean to me. Awesome!

Now I'm listening to 2pac. I better point this out before anyone else does: yes, I love rap music no matter how I feel about blacks. Why? Because rap is awesome, and I don't actually have to see or talk to any of those people. Holla!

I'm white and it's not my fault!

Today is my birthday, so I'm officially 23. Halfway over the hill, right? :) As a birthday gift to myself I am gonna post a bunch of my random uncalled-for opinions on here. Who knows, might even stir up some controversy since a lot of folks disagree with a lot of things I say. Remember where I am in society- I have many unpopular beliefs, some of which are based on current events and others which I've believed for years. So here are the opinions that kept me from being popular in both public and private school, and later:

1) War is sometimes necessary. Not always, but sometimes- no matter how many "no blood for oil" signs you wave while people are getting killed. Why are they getting killed? So we have oil (expensive as it may be). So that after the protest, you can get in your car and drive to your air-conditioned or heated house, filled with groceries that you could buy because a truck drove them to the air-conditioned store. Yes blood for oil. And don't tell me to go enlist- the military won't take my ass!

2) I hate when black people in America talk about reparations for slavery. Slavery happened, and it's been over for quite a while now (here, at least), and blacks need to get over it. No, it wasn't right for anyone to be bought and sold and forced to work for nothing but pitiful amounts of food and permission to sleep in a dirty barn- that's mad fucked up, and it shouldn't have happened. But ya know what? I'm white, and it's not my fault. It's not my family's fault either. Even KKK members and neo nazis- they may be full of hate, but slavery wasn't their fault either. Reparations mean that white folks who were never slave owners have to pay black folks who were never slaves. Not only that, but the reparations folk want us to believe that Whitey went on over to Africa and broke up all their little village freedom parties and kite-flying and decided they belonged to us. The black slaves brought to America were purchased from black African slave owners- they were already slaves before we got there! Wonder why that wasn't in our Black History books in junior high? Reparations supporters need to stop exploiting their ancestors very real suffering, seeing that they didn't even know what it was like. After all, the Jews were slaves first and you don't hear them asking for handouts- they got over it and made their own money!

3) Darwin's theory on the origin of species is bullshit. It's been disproven by it's own methods and everything, from the fossil record to evolution through random mutation. If all organisms came from a common ancestor, then there would be hundreds of fossils of transitional forms, such as a lizard with part of a jaw, or a snake with a partially-formed leg- but there are none. Darwin figured that all animals were formed by "genetic mutations" over millions and billions of years. One major hole in that- mutations in animals are almost always harmful instead of beneficial. How, for example, did some animals come to have wings? Why would an animal with one or two "partial" wings survive and pass on their altered genes to another generation? How could an animal possibly benefit from functionless wing bits? Stubby there is gonna die quick. Same problem with the formation of legs, arms, fingers, toes, mouths, and internal organs. Countless different biological processes work together within every life form- and it all happened by trial and error, that everything is here by mistake? Really? It's more logical to assume (I know there's no proof in this direction either, but it makes a hell of a lot more sense) that we were designed by an intelligent force of some sort. God, Allah, Jesus, that elephant with all the arms that the Hindus worship, Zeus, mother nature, the spirit world- choose your favorite name, but the idea stays the same. This world is too goddamn complicated to be random, and I don't have enough faith in Darwin to swallow that big of a lie, although many do. [side note: this is actually my pet argument so I shortened it a lot, since I could go on for hours about intelligent design (using arguments that DON'T come out of the bible!). If you want to debate this for real, email me at soflashelley@gmail.com]

4) The Fairness Doctrine is bullshit to the max. It sounds like someone's older brother had a later bedtime and they never got over it. Life isn't fair, and Democrats need to get that into their heads already. If you have money, your wants and needs come before the wants and needs of those with less money, and people with no money are last. Why? Because we are capitalists, not communists. Is it fair? Maybe not, but so what? It also wouldn't be fair if rich people are forced to put the poor folk first after working hard to get to the top.

5) Since black slogans like "black power" and "black brotherhood" are socially acceptable, then I should be able to use "white power" and "white brotherhood". If they are sooo proud to be black, then I should be just as proud to be white! But I think the whole concept of racial pride is pretty stupid. Are you proud to have green eyes instead of blue? You can't help what nationality your parents are, so why be proud of something you had no control over? I say, be happy to be black or white or latin or whatever, and save the pride for actual accomplishments instead of something you had no part in.

6) If cigarettes are legal and alcohol is legal, then marijuana should be legal too. Alcohol can kill you by itself, but the only way you can die from smoking pot is if you get really stoned and do something stupid (which of course, is more likely to happen while drinking than while toking up). Also it has more different medical uses than a lot of the "controlled substances" being sold by pharmaceutical companies. [side note: I'm not gonna diss "big pharm" because we Americans love our pills, and those corporate giants earned every penny]

7) If there is a law keeping tobacco companies from advertising their deliciously addictive products in most magazines and on TV, then we shouldn't have to read/listen to commercials on these same places urging us to quit smoking. They need to either allow propaganda from both sides or neither- we as Americans have the right to give ourselves emphysema and lung cancer if we damn well please.

8) Almost a continuation of the last point- there shouldn't be a seatbelt law for adults. Maybe for kids under 16 or 18 or whatever- fine, they have to buckle up because we gotta protect kids. But if a 30-year-old wants to fly through his own winsheild at 75 miles an hour- well, that's his business. It's not like driving drunk, where others can get hurt. If I don't wear a seatbelt and I get in an accident, the only person who is affected by my inertia is... me! Basically, I support American adults not being protected by themselves by the government or law enforcement. If I want to smoke pot, smoke 2 packs of Marlboro 100s a day, don't wear my seatbelt, kill a fifth of Captain Morgans, and drive a motorcycle without a helmet, that's my fucking problem!

9) Racism is just an excuse to act like an asshole and blame someone else. Why are there FAR more blacks and hispanics in prison than whites? Racist judges? Racist cops? My ass! Minorities earned their spots in prison just like anyone else.

10) BARACK OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST, and if he gets everything he wants, the US will be just like Cuba. He's a modern-day Robin Hood, railing against anyone with money and standing up for "the rights of the poor." If he hates the rich that much, then he must be one self-hating brother, huh? Socialists are famous for the "everyone should be equal except for me" philosophy, but we Americans should be able to see through it...

11) ...not that McCain is a much better choice. In fact, this election has brought us nothing but a parade of assholes. I'm proud to say I can't vote!

12) Prostitution is a gift to mankind, not a crime. Yeah, there are nasty hookers running around stealing and giving people oozing diseases, but that's because they are nasty theives (and probably crackheads), not because they are hookers. Guys who normally couldn't get any woman to sleep with them now have a choice between lots of women, who will take care of him with a smile... if the price is right. If a man wants to spend his entire paycheck taking a girl out to dinner and buying her things hoping to get laid, that's called dating- but dating is prostitution, only you don't always get what you pay for. We hos are just more straight up about it- forget all the shit in the middle, just give me the money and meet me in the bedroom, I'll buy my own dinner and whatever else. Plus, if a man thinks a girl is pretty enough to warrant a hundred bucks for a bj, who is gonna convince him otherwise? And why? Likewise, hos work long and hard (ha ha) for their money and we EARN every penny! Are you one of those really picky women, who would never dream of sleeping with an ugly weirdo? Well, you don't have to because hookers are doing it for you- we sleep with the men no one else will sleep with. So girls, go slip a hooker $50- you dodged a very ugly smelly bullet because of us.

I might try for more later, if I can come up with more opinions- and I'm pretty fucking sure I can!

a traditional fourth of July sentiment

I gotta hurry and get this posted before midnight so I can officially say "Happy fourth of July" and it'll actually show up as that. Also, I am eating Snickers ice cream at the same time- hard to type and scoop simultaneously. No big plans tonight, my cousin came over and we set off a hell load of fireworks at my brother's friend's house (I call that kid, "the screamy one" because he doesn't know how to stfu or what "inside voice" means, argh. I think the only reason I was actually invited to the screamy one's house is because me and my boyfriend put in on the fireworks, plus I got family coming in to fuck with explosives. We had a great time. This other kid had some regular firecrackers and he held on to them too long so they exploded in this hand and that was funny. Then Lucas threw firecrackers straight up in the air way too SOON, and they came straight down before going off. Me and Greg were sitting inside the screen 'cause I was getting attacked by mosquitos, but it was Lucas, my cousin, and this other kid Dan that were standing there when the firecrackers came back down. They all ran in different directions and at least 2 of 'em were yelling "oh shit oh shit" which we decided was a traditional fourth of July sentiment, especially when fucking with fireworks or sparklers right near a screen door, or lighting a cigarette off a sparkler that's shooting flames, or firing roman candles over one another's heads and at a tall tree- don't try this at home, kids. Those tall trees are fuckin' toast the minute another hurricane comes this way. And where do they fall? On people's roofs of course! Fuck those tall skinny weak-ass trees! Another funny thing- my brother stopped on the way to the screamy one's house to buy lighters. I had bought a 5-pack of Bics and have a couple more besides that (I lose a lot of lighters so I stock up, but when I just bought a lot of 'em, then I find the ones I lost before but if I don't buy more then I'm stuck with fuckin' matches) but he didn't want Bics, he wanted "the good lighters that don't burn your fingers." Shit, I been using Bics for a long, long time- and I wasn't only lighting cigarettes either. I done all sorts of interesting shit with lighters, and I always buy Bic- the only lighters for real crackheads/ junkies/ potheads/ speed freaks. My brother can't operate one of those, so he bought them long-ass lighters, I call 'em bong lighters but I think they are called BBQ lighters to earth folk... not sure. Doesn't really matter, actually LESS chance of losing a lighter if they aren't going around. But I did get to make fun of my brother's "sensitive little thumbs" all night, and that was all right. Plus, after lighting a couple fireworks off, everyone was asking me for "one of the regular lighters" anyway! Hah, Bic lighters rule!

I got an ipod for my birthday from my parents! Hooray! It is black and holds 80GB of memory. I already have over 70 songs on it and I got it on the 2nd after we ate dinner at Great American Steakhouse, which is my favorite local place to eat, if I'm not footing the bill. Very expensive, but fuckin' awesome.

Oh to the person who leaves long diatribes of shit that I've already heard before (just read the OLD comments, you'll see!) and then repeats it in the next post- I hope this isn't gonna become a pattern. I'm having a drink and all the MADD mamas and anyone else who thinks they are better than me for it can kiss the fattest, whitest part of my fat, white ass. Kay? Kay! But I do notice that you are the only hater, and someone did ask why I only responded to negative posts- and that was a very good point. So I send hugs and kisses out to my loyal fans: Melody, Jamie, Libby, Cocaine Princess, Victoria, K1tten, Greggie (do you still read this? answer me on here if you do), anyone I forgot I apologize but I got plenty of love to spread around. Just ask anyone with a hundred bucks, they'll tell ya! Hah! Happy fourth, y'all!

don't let anyone poop on our party

It's hard to believe that I'm gonna get any bigger and more awkward in my movement. I can't get up into Greggie's camper anymore without a boost from him or an extra step under the back bumper, I have trouble getting up off the floor, I can't get comfortable enough to sleep without waking up 4 or 5 times a night, and I can't go 2 hours without having to pee, and fuck I'm huge! I'm getting so sick of being pregnant it's not even funny. And I can't drink! I didn't realize that teetotaling would bother me so much, but it does. It's not even heroin I'm craving (as much) anymore, it's a margarita filled with Padron ... or maybe a Jager-bomb ... or a couple of straight-up shots of Southern Comfort. Mmmmmmmm, alcohol. I can't fucking wait for this kid to be born- I deserve ONE booze-fueled night with my man, as long as I can find a good baby sitter. The good part is that if I have Greg with me, he'll keep me from over-indulging and from acting a fool when I get drunk. I haven't drank in so long, I bet 3 frozen drinks will put me in a good place. I wanna get drunk. Fuck other drugs- I want my alcohol! My birthday is on Sunday and I'm gonna throw caution to the wind and have ONE frozen drink. That's right haters- that wasn't a typo. I figure since I've only drank two (2) beers and no (0) liquor-drinks in five (5) months or more, one cold refreshment won't kill me or the baby. Who knows, she might even enjoy it.

Another bitch: my parents are leaving for a week, AND it's gonna be my birthday week, and Greggie refuses to spend the night with me at the house! "Your parents said I couldn't" he says, as if they are gonna be able to enforce it. But he's gonna be like that anyways, letting people HIS OWN AGE tell him what to do. He's always kissing my parents' asses, even when they aren't home. I wish he'd just do what I want, that he obviously wants to do as well. Don't even deny your true feelings, boo... you don't wanna listen to those spoilsports. Don't let anyone poop on our party- you know you want some fat freaky preggo sex in the comfort of the A/C!!!!

I payed $5 to get into kiddie movies every Tuesday all summer. Today I watched Shrek 3 for the first time (I also haven't seen Shrek 2) and it was stupid but fun. I got a thing about cartoons- all cartoons, except for Nick Jr (especially those obnoxious Wonder Pets!) because that stuff isn't cool if you're over the age of five- so $5 seemed like a good investment. Next week they are playing The Water Horse, which I absolutely refuse to watch. It's a movie about a sea monster! For those of you who don't know, I am terrified of boating, cruises, deep water, scuba diving, etc because of sea monsters, which do so exist. Folks have been seeing and reporting sea monsters as far back as we can find! Were they ALL full of shit? I don't think so... and that water horse is one scary sucka.

It took me 4 hours to finish writing this because I cannot fucking sit still no matter how hard I try. I'm smoking tons of weed in an attempt to even myself out, but I'm still fookin' krasy!