Monday, May 21, 2007

pay me for the privelege

I am totally excited! I managed to save $380!! In just 4 days!!! Hooray!! Also, I pissed Greg off enough that he's "taking 2 days off", which means he won't be holding onto my dope while I walk the streets and giving me rides places. But also, I won't have to pay anybody!!! Except possibly a taxi driver to get me home at 10-11 at night. But oftentimes I get a ride for free!!! And I get people to pay me for the privelege of it!! Hooray for Michelle!!!

Today I hooked up with a couple regulars that I hadn't seen in a long time. Sometimes I bitch about not being able to remember guys at all, sometimes I actually miss the guys I date regularly. You sleep with someone forty times or so over a couple of years and you really get to know each other, you know? Even if it only is a "professional" relationship. I have one customer, I'll call him 'A', who I've dated since I was 18. I'm almost 22, that's just about 4 years now. He's taken me out to dinner, given me thousands of dollars, driven me where I needed to go, handed out his phone number, and always treated with the utmost respect. After a while, he made me feel comfortable enough to talk about my life (at the time): my fights with my boyfriend Micheal, our IV heroin/cocaine habits, the motel ice buckets filled with vodka and a splash of soda that we consumed nightly, everything. 'A' never made me feel bad about myself for any of my problems. He just said he hoped things would get better for me.

I saw Trick today. I hadn't seen him in 6 months, I told all the girls to stay far far away from him because he's got full blown AIDS. Today when I saw him he looked like a fucking zombie. I've never seen anything like it. He's been sick for over a year, never getting any meds, smoking crack, running the streets. Made me want to go get an HIV test.

Micheal and I are talking again. I got to missing him, wondering if he was still missing me so I went to Publix on his day off and asked another bagger to tell him to call me on Sunday. I took the first step and waited to see what he would do. It was safer than going there and trying to talk to him, cause rejection hurts. I figured if he didn't call, I wouldn't bother him again. But he did call. Two days in a row. I don't know if it means anything, I really don't. I analyze everything too much. Supposedly we're seeing each other on Friday. I hope it works out. He's clean now! I'm proud of him, but that means I have to be careful around him with my dope, which kinda sucks, but shooting up in front of him would be more than cruel.

I just realized, I wouldn't want anyone in my family reading any part of this blog. Maybe I shouldn't have my name and photo all over it.

I found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

[[Hoobastank- the reason]]

No comments: