Sunday, May 20, 2007

abortions and sex changes for everybody!

Jerry Falwell is dead! Abortions and sex changes for everybody!

I've been thinking, and the bottom line is this: Am I willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean? The answer is- sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not. And that's not good enough. I'll be miserable on the dope for days- I'm not even an IV user anymore, cause I'm out of veins so I skinpop- and decide once and for all that it's time to quit. And then I'll set up a shot, hit a perfect vein on the first try, and get a really good blast. 10 times bette3r than it should have felt, considering the amount I put in. And that familiar warmth envelops my body, my heart slows noticeably, my eyelids are suddenly heavy, everything feels so god damn GOOD! I remember why I started shooting heroin in the first place.

And suddenly all the misery of the past few days is entirely forgotten. I'm not gonna quit- why would I quit doing something that I love so much? But after that, I poke around and I can't even get myself to bleed, much less register. 15 minutes is my maximum for time spent fucking around with a needle- after that I give up and just skinpop it. I start spending too much on the shit. I stop enjoying myself. My arms start to look like swiss cheese- infected swiss cheese. I couldn't find a vein if my life depended on it. I decide that this time, for real now, I'm gonna quit. But then I get a couple really good shots in me, and quitting is the last thing on my mind. And the cycle keeps going on, killling me in the process.

I've done some pretty wacky shit to get my bags. You could almost say I'd do whatever it takes to stay well and get high, but at the same time I want to stop. I don't like needing it. So that brings me back to where I started: Am I willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean? And my answer hasn't changed much: I don't know.

If I traded it all, if I gave it all away
For one Thing, just for one Thing
If I sorted it out, if I knew all about
This one Thing, wouldn't that be some Thing?

[[one thing]]

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away
There's more to living than merely surviving
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying
So forgive me for trying to relate
My will is something you can't confiscate

[[the offspring- staring at the sun]]

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