Tuesday, May 8, 2007

fire engine red

I am way way much too high for my liking right now. When I woke up at 10am I did a monster shot, perfect vein on the first try, the best hit of heroin I've had I think so far this year. I was scared shitless, I was the only person in the house and I wads trying to walk itoff by walking slow laps around the pool and deep breathing and eventually I was ok to lay on the out back bed and burn a cigarette which I burnt my self with caus I kept nodding out and burning my book too which I really couldnt read at that point I was just holding it on the first page. My book was One Flew OVer the Cookooos Nest and I have read like 50 pages into it so far today its a pretty good book plus In ever seen the movei so I don't know whats' going to happen next. I like that.

Then my mom came home and by that time I was even more ok and we went to the Dreher Park Zoo which was a ton of fun. I haven't had such a good time with my mom in a long time, since she found religion. Jesus suckde the fun right out of her or something cause ever since she was "born again" she's been a very boring uptight judgmenntal lady! I love her though she's my MAMA!!! My favorite animals we saw were even the same as hers- a Tiger, a Florida Pathner, some birds that were literallly fire engine red (so bright and beatufiful), and I forget what else. But then while we were at the zoo I decided that I needed another shot- a BIG shot like before. I popped the same vein open first try in the zoo bathroom by the Cafe and just about fucking fell out again. It scared me all over but it wasn't nearly as terrifying as my wake up shot had been. And it was easier to walk it off because we were marching around the zoo looking at all the animals. I nodded out in the car the wholeway home.

Then we got home and at about 7pm (an hour ago) my mom left for an Al Anon meeting which she goes to because I'm a junkie. It's kind of ironic that I wait for her to leave for Al Anon so I can shoot heroin right there on her couch without having to hide in the fucking bathroom, no? Well I did another biggie. At first I poured out so much that it scarred me just looking at it so I put some back.

I'm so glad I put some back!!!

Now I'm worse than I was this morning, the rush was excellent and only slightly scary but now I'm overheating and can't catch my breath and my pupils are itty bitty small and I can't feel anything and my throat feels weird like my heart is pounding right in it and I'm on the verge of throwing up but I know I'm not going to. This dope is fucking powerful. I need to be A LOT more careful. There's about 2 shots left if I make em as big as I've been making em, 3 shots left if I just put enough to get me high. I think I should make it into 3. But when I come down enough to forgethow scared I was all thre times, I'm gonna pile that shit into the spoon and do this all over again. I almost hope I miss some of my next shot cause it seems Ican'tt help myself I always put too much. And when I go to put water I even KNOW it's too much and I do it any way. Why, cause I'm a stupid fu cking junky and Im willing to rish my life for a good high. Brilliant huh.

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