Saturday, April 4, 2009

the illusion that you're doing something fun

I've been a drug addict (by choice!) for years, but it wasn't just about drugs. It's more about excitement and doing something fun. I'd want to go out and have some crazy adventures, in fact that's why this blog began- to chronicle all the crazy shit that went down in my life on a near-daily basis. And in my using days, even when nothing interesting happened, I felt like something had. Because sitting in a motel room all night smoking crack and not going near the door gives you the illusion that you're doing something fun. Either that or it makes you not give a shit, possibly even a combination of the two. But since it would NOT be advantageous to me or the baby for me to start doing drugs again, (Greg- that's how you use that word properly) I need to find something to do along with a babysitter while I do it.

I love my kid, there's no question about that. She's funny, she's cute, she's usually happy, she's smart, she does a lot of silly things, she's the best kind of baby and I would probably never be truly happy again if I lost her. But she is a 6-month-old baby, and 6-month-old babies are boring. Here is my day: go to the methadone clinic, go to [the playground/Okeeheelee Park's nature trail/the mall/baby story hour/the grocery store], feed the baby, play with the baby, sit around the house with the baby, go to the playground/grocery store again, think up a soy-free dairy-free nut-free seafood-free egg-free dinner that will taste good, feed baby, put baby to bed, go online. Occasionally I go to Greggie's house and do the same things over there. I am very happy, but as an excitement junkie I am fucking bored as shit.

Last weekend I left Jazzie at Greg's house and went out with my parents to see Monsters Vs Aliens: The IMAX 3-D Experience. Great movie, not exciting. I need something to do, but nothing that could hurt the baby or get her taken away from me. My poor brother is bored too, I told him that if it was just me we would have already left on an exciting road trip. He said we should do it and bring Jaz, but then it would be boring.

Hell, I'm going to Disneyworld at the beginning of next month, to celebrate my freedom from the liquid handcuffs (methadone). I am at 5mg a day and feeling like total shit! But this bitch is strong, and I ain't gonna fuck it up. Y'all can hold me to that. If only I could find something fun to do...

10 comments:

naomi said...

liquid handcuffs... you know. i am at 40 now and i am coming down every week. trouble is, im just about to go get a dose (its 3:42pm) and i had mine at 5:30pm last night; and i am already ill.... hot sweats, gut cramps.... i dont know how im gonna fare next week or the week after. you go shelley! i am so proud of you, even with a child, it takes guts. i know many people on methadone who have kids and dont choose to come off it (not slating them) but it would be easier to just look after a child on methadone than look after one while coming off methadone! lets face it, my twin nieces irate me when im fine but when im clucking... urgh! i dread to think! hope you have a wicked time at disney. i didnt go to the florida one, i went to the one on the west coast. take care xxx

Anonymous said...

Stay strong! As your daughter gets older there won't be a much free time to be bored. What I mean is that there will be more for you to do with her. Working women who become stay at home moms go through this frequently too. They usually have a 2nd child, go back to work or both. In your case going back to what you did before-baby isn't an option but paid (legal) employment may be as Jaz gets older. In a few years you won't know what bored was as you try to juggle everything.

Anonymous said...

i know when i get bored a big shot of smack can keep me amused for many hours.

Greg said...

To Anonymous 4/6/09 1:43 am,

This is why you are an idiot, brainless, dumbass.

Congratulations, can you give me your address so I can personally give you your award?

You definitely deserve a nice big shot, where do I go to give it to you!

Anonymous said...

Yea, what's up with that Anonymous faggot, 4/6/09 1:43 am. Misery loves company. I want a piece of his stupid ass too!!!!

Anonymous said...

Don't try to trigger please. Your dealing w/ a child's future here.

Shelly, I know you might come back & say, oh no. No such thing as a trigger. If so, I disagree. There are. And you need to stay clean for your little girl. There I said it. You do.

Boston Joe said...

hey.. yup, that is totally what happens, 2 kids later, a few fuck ups and now I am like, is my life over or what.. like you said, being a parent is totally fulfulling and stuff, but I sooo miss the excitement and everything... I guess it is a part of getting old and growing up, SUCKS but you gotta deal right!! hang in there!

Michelle said...

Triggers may exist, but some anonymous fruitycake talkin about shooting dope on the internet just isn't shit. And if I gave up on my daughter because some blog commenter told me to... well, then I wouldn't deserve my kid.

sHeLLeY

Anonymous said...

I hear suboxone is better than meth and also can be taken for a long time. As far as excitement goes I just do the things I enjoy with a 2 year old and a 1 month old. I listen to music, play music, hear live music and try to go to lots of social events - with both kids, no babysitters. I used to skateboard and ride a mountain bike also love nature walks - so I do them. Having children is not the end of the world. I know for many first time parents who are trying to be perfect it can feel like that. Just know that as long as you are a willing parent (happy to have the child) there is nothing you can do wrong. There is no standard way to raise a child. Baby's cry and children are needy that doesn't mean adults need to entertain them. They are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves. You don't have to put yourself out or lose your life just because you have kids. Once you find that right balance you will feel much better.

Cocaine Princess said...

Enjoy your day at DisneyWorld! Give your precious baby Jazzy a kiss from me.