You know what I hate? 12-steppers. They aren't fucking special. "I'm a drug addict (or alcoholic, or sex addict, or compulsive gambler, or relative of one of the above, or whatever), I can't help it, I'm powerless. I can only stay clean by rehashing my past for an hour each day." Don't they realize that ANYONE who does drugs (I'll just use NAzis as an example to save keystrokes) for long enough will become a drug addict? They weren't born with anything different. Take someone who hates drugs, get them in a bad car accident where they need oxycontin to function long-term, come back in a year. Are they a drug addict? You bet your ass they are! No one is powerless over their addiction. We all choose what we want to do, and if we overdo it we get hooked. Then we believe that the almightly twelve steps are the way out of the mess that WE OURSELVES created.
Taken under the wing of veteran NAzis, we actually believe that nothing is our fault. Mugged your grandma for her percocet? You couldn't help it. Set a crackhouse on fire for refusing to serve you? You were powerless over the drugs. Let your 1-year-old son sit in a shitty diaper for three days while you were too tweaked to leave your room? Addiction is a disease, you can't blame someone for having a disease! Oh, and do 90 meetings in 90 days. That way you will be so retardedly entrenched in the program that you won't be able to figure out that it's all a bunch of manipulative bullshit. Addiction is not a disease, and everything that an addict does is that addicts fault. No more cop-outs, no more "disease of addiction", no more "endorphin deficiency syndrome", no more. Just take the goddamn blame for what YOU did.
But see, I am here to help so I am starting my own recovery program. It's called "Recovery from Recovery" or RFR. It's way better than any 12-step program because... wait for it... it only has 2 steps. And I can accomplish what took others 12 steps in a simple two:
1) Get the fuck over it.
2) Move on with your life.
That's all there is to it! And we only meet for five minutes to introduce ourselves and go over the steps. Once we've gotten over it and moved on with our lives, there's no need to continue the meeting, nor is there any need to meet again tommorrow. But, for those of us who need a little reminder, we do meet once a month to remind one another to get the fuck over it.
So, who wants to join RFR? Admission is free and I bet MONEY that my drug program will have identical stats to every other drug program on the planet: NA, AA, methadone maintenance, suboxone maintenance, 3-day detox, 28-day rehab, 60-day rehab, 1-year rehab, Christian drug programs, boarding schools, teen drug programs, hospitalization, methadone/suboxone detox, home "comfort-med" detox, and just saying fuck it and quitting all by yourself. They all have a success rate of between 3-5%, and RFR promises to match those statistics. After all, it works if you get the fuck over it.
4 months ago