Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Shelley's 2-Step Recovery Program: RFR!

You know what I hate? 12-steppers. They aren't fucking special. "I'm a drug addict (or alcoholic, or sex addict, or compulsive gambler, or relative of one of the above, or whatever), I can't help it, I'm powerless. I can only stay clean by rehashing my past for an hour each day." Don't they realize that ANYONE who does drugs (I'll just use NAzis as an example to save keystrokes) for long enough will become a drug addict? They weren't born with anything different. Take someone who hates drugs, get them in a bad car accident where they need oxycontin to function long-term, come back in a year. Are they a drug addict? You bet your ass they are! No one is powerless over their addiction. We all choose what we want to do, and if we overdo it we get hooked. Then we believe that the almightly twelve steps are the way out of the mess that WE OURSELVES created.

Taken under the wing of veteran NAzis, we actually believe that nothing is our fault. Mugged your grandma for her percocet? You couldn't help it. Set a crackhouse on fire for refusing to serve you? You were powerless over the drugs. Let your 1-year-old son sit in a shitty diaper for three days while you were too tweaked to leave your room? Addiction is a disease, you can't blame someone for having a disease! Oh, and do 90 meetings in 90 days. That way you will be so retardedly entrenched in the program that you won't be able to figure out that it's all a bunch of manipulative bullshit. Addiction is not a disease, and everything that an addict does is that addicts fault. No more cop-outs, no more "disease of addiction", no more "endorphin deficiency syndrome", no more. Just take the goddamn blame for what YOU did.

But see, I am here to help so I am starting my own recovery program. It's called "Recovery from Recovery" or RFR. It's way better than any 12-step program because... wait for it... it only has 2 steps. And I can accomplish what took others 12 steps in a simple two:

1) Get the fuck over it.
2) Move on with your life.

That's all there is to it! And we only meet for five minutes to introduce ourselves and go over the steps. Once we've gotten over it and moved on with our lives, there's no need to continue the meeting, nor is there any need to meet again tommorrow. But, for those of us who need a little reminder, we do meet once a month to remind one another to get the fuck over it.

So, who wants to join RFR? Admission is free and I bet MONEY that my drug program will have identical stats to every other drug program on the planet: NA, AA, methadone maintenance, suboxone maintenance, 3-day detox, 28-day rehab, 60-day rehab, 1-year rehab, Christian drug programs, boarding schools, teen drug programs, hospitalization, methadone/suboxone detox, home "comfort-med" detox, and just saying fuck it and quitting all by yourself. They all have a success rate of between 3-5%, and RFR promises to match those statistics. After all, it works if you get the fuck over it.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Another one of your idiotic ramblings.

Michelle said...

It's my idiotic blog, right? I can ramble about whatever idiotic thing pops into my mind and if ya don't like it, get the fuck over it. Thanks for reading.

sHeLLeY

Anonymous said...

I like the two step program, but you will find that it is not good for everybody and that's O.K.

Some people will need more than two steps because rigor mortis will set in with out more steps!

A difference of opinion is a beautiful thing, it brings creativity and inventiveness to the table!

Thanks sHeLLeY

Anonymous said...

http://rantingfroggypanties.blogspot.com/2009/03/idiots-idiots-idiots.html

"Idiots, Idiots, Idiots
Why, why, why do people insist on spewing information that is not only false, but that they OBVIOUSLY know nothing about? I realize that drug addiction is a very controversial topic and that many people have many ideas and feelings on the subject. I suppose being a recovering addict myself makes me a little sensitve to some of the negativity out there. Well, I CAN'T HELP IT!! So many people think that addiction is a choice, a moral failing, or we just do it for fucking fun. I can tell you right now, I did not wake up one day and say," Gee, I'm really bored today, so I think that I will become a drug addict so I can stir up some drama. Ruining my own life and everyone's around me sounds like a fabulous idea to get rid of this boredom bug!!" Seriously? I have caused not only myself, but my family, friends, and certain strangers a tremendous amount of misery and pain because of my actions during my addiction."

Michelle said...

Yeah, addicts love to talk about how it's not their fault and they can't help it. Wasn't that pretty much the entire point of my post? I want to start a trend, of real drug addicts who take responsibility for their use and realize that everything that happened as a result of their addiction is ALL THEIR FAULT and no one elses. You can't medicalize bad fucking choices.

Thanks for the link, I left a respectful comment. :)

sHeLLeY

Anonymous said...

If addicts are free to choose, why does no amount of pressure and misery seem to convince a real addict to decide against opiate use?

Michelle said...

Because they CHOSE to use every day and get to the point where it's fucking hard as shit to stop. They would never have gotten there unless they made the CHOICES they made.

sHeLLeY

Anonymous said...

I went to one under court order and it felt like a hitler youth event. I;m sure this helps people who have no self control and need rigid structure due to not having a belief in God or other structure and values or hope in life, but for me it was just wacky weird.

I will never go again, for me a complete waste of time. I think everyone is different personality wise and jsut because it wasn't for me doesn't mean it can't be for someone else, so who knows.

Amy said...

Hey Michelle -
I've been reading this from the beginning - I wish you very well and it looks like you are doing very well, too!
I've always thought you write very well, and you are charismatic and got a charming way about you. Have you ever thought about going around to elementary schools/junior highs/high schools whereever and speak? Nothing fancy, just let the supervisors know that they may or may not hear the f-bomb dropped here or there but that's real and that's what the kids need - no bullshit. Tell them that your talks will be rated PG-13 - you can get a least 4 or 5 fucks and a few dozen ass/and shits thrown in. Nothing different from what there are not allowed to hear on a PG-13 movie. Hell, you could even flash your boobs. Wait, not that. But that would help keep your focus, your mind from getting baby-foodified and do some good, maybe even make a buck or too. I know kids would respect and listen to someone who has been there in that life and has found a way to pull out. It's really incredible and admirable. (blah blah blah, hahha.)
Anyway, just a suggestion I thought I'd over.
Best,
Amy

Amy said...

Hey Michelle -
I've been reading your blog from the beginning - I wish you very well and it looks like you are doing very well, too!
I've always thought you write very well, and you are charismatic and got a charming way about you. Have you ever thought about going around to elementary schools/junior highs/high schools whereever and speak? Nothing fancy, just let the supervisors know that they may or may not hear the f-bomb dropped here or there but that's real and that's what the kids need - no bullshit. Tell them that your talks will be rated PG-13 - you can get a least 4 or 5 fucks and a few dozen ass/and shits thrown in. Nothing different from what they are not allowed to hear on a PG-13 movie. Hell, you could even flash your boobs. Wait, not that.
These talks/discussions whatever, would help keep your focus, and your mind from getting baby-foodified and do some good, maybe even make a buck or too. I know kids would respect and listen to someone who has been there in that life and has found a way to pull out. It's really incredible and admirable. (blah blah blah, hahha, but it is.)
Anyway, just a suggestion I thought I'd offer.
Best,
Amy

Anonymous said...

Drug addiction is a Disease.. It IS self inflicted..No one made you put a needle in your arm.. or suck on that stem till your lips blistered.. but yet its Still a Disease. When your 65 your brain will still hold the image/feeling of that blissful high... Burnt into the foundation of your brain just like music on a cd. Yeah you need to take responsibility.. You need to help yourself.. because it is a disease that Will ultimately kill you... "D E A D" isn't that what most diseases do?
Its a medical disease that needs medical attention. The AMA has accepted that it is.. dont you think they know a little more about MEDICINE than you do?