Saturday, September 13, 2008

eating sand in knee-deep water

So I go to the 'done clinic this morning about 5 minutes before they closed for the day and was standing in the relatively short line, and before I even got to the front the nurse called my name and told me that my counselor had to see me before I could dose. Whatever. I figured she got the results of my whiz quiz because I asked her to let me know if I passed for THC or not (I quit smoking pot 3 weeks ago and took my test a few days ago and if I am negative for pot, then I get takehomes and only hafta come in 3 days/week!), so I go into her office and we have the following conversation:

"Michelle, I just got the results back from the lab from your UA."

Cool, did I come up for pot or no?

"Actually no, you're negative for everything except methadone. Whose urine was it?"

What? My pee... why would I have someone else's... what? Why?

"You're negative for EVERYTHING except methadone... and that means the pregnancy test also came up negative."

Really? So you don't think I'm pregnant?

"No, of course you're pregnant. That's why I don't think this is your urine. I have to administer another test but I need to watch you pee this time. Are you ok with that?"

Doesn't bother me any. One question though... was the pee diluted?

"Actually, yes... so you're telling me that it was a lab error, and that it's really your urine?"

Well I know for a fact I'm not carting around anyone else's piss, so it was either a lab error or I'm not really pregnant and this [pats huge belly] is just a crazy moving tumor or something.

"I didn't think you'd used anyone else's pee, but I had to know for sure and the only way to know was to confront you like that. You'd be surprised at what people will do just to get their take homes- they put containers of pee up inside their bodies!"

I've actually heard of that, but I'll be honest with you: I would not carry around a bottle of someone else's piss unless I was facing prison time. And I'm *not*, so I didn't. Plus, it was a random test! I didn't know you were gonna be testing me on that specific day, which means I would had to have carried the piss bottle in every day for about a week... just to test negative for pot? No, not my style at all.

So I had to pee in front of her and she sent in my new specimen for testing. It really was my piss, and it really did say that I wasn't pregnant... weird huh? The good news is that it tested negative for THC, which means that the one I took today will also. Hooray!!! That means I get my fuckin' take homes maybe. I'm very glad I had all those diluted tests in a row, they proved my innocence in this case. Hah!

I went to Golden Corrall with Greg 2 days in a row and today we went to the beach. I think there's another hurricane in the Atlantic because the waves were crazy! I was getting knocked down and eating sand in knee-deep water, and so was Greggie. :) I got sunburned, I swallowed a gallon of salt water and took another gallon up my nose, I left half my skin on the bottom of the ocean, my eyes are bloodshot, my hair is straw, I'm achy, and that Lake Worth cop who tazered me (the lieutenant, more about that situation here: http://michelleldub.blogspot.com/2007/11/parlance-of-prostitutes.html) saw me at the beach today and pointed at me before driving on... and it was all worth it. I am so glad that man took me to the beach today, what fun.

Tommorrow is the baby shower at my church. It's so sweet of the ladies at church to give me a baby shower, I didn't expect them to. I like my church and most of the folks there- they actually accept you for who you are instead of just talking about how nonjudgemental and tolerant they are while they silently judge you and give you the oogie-eye.

God, I hope this baby is born soon. I literally have to stop and pee 4-6x during a movie that lasts an hour and a half! This morning at breakfast, 4 pee-breaks. Wow there is a lot in this blog entry about pee today, something must be wrong with me. :)

12 comments:

sKILLz said...

They test you for pot over there? It's so funny how each state is so different from the others.
Here they just test for "hard" drugs, such as Benzos, Heroin, Coke, & Alcohol.
I know many people that carry around bottles of others peoples piss so they can give clean urine.
Some are on parole, some have ACS cases, & some just want to get pick ups and not have to bother to come 6times a week you know.
Well I hope everything is going good with you and the baby.
Stay Up Girl!

My Daughter's Addiction said...

I read your comment on DHAM. It was very sweet. We [Moms] are just trying to help our daughters...so anything that you say is appreciated. I'm personally very proud of you and if you were my daughter I would tell you that. Good wishes to you and your new life.

Melody said...

I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't spent some uncomfortable moments at the 'done clinic with a bottle of pee shoved up my......anyway, I did it so I could keep my dose down and keep my take homes. The random tests weren't really that random so I pretty much knew when to pack the pee. Also, it was my pee, saved in advance for when I decided to use. Not pretty but it worked.

Lilygirl said...

At least it was your pee melody..Yeah my friends boyfriend use to bring in my other friends pee once a week and she was pregnant, and he got away with it everytime, until his girl pulled a nutty and called the clinic and ratted him out...But anyway Shelley, clinics are retarded...When I first started for the second time(i was transfering from another one) so I was on two takehomes I just had to come up clean for a month and do classes every week and they would give me my third....Well a week before I'm supposed to get my takehomes(3 to be exact) my counseler comes up to me and says "oh we have a problem, your first urine came up dirty for pot" I'm like WHAT..I haven't smoked pot since I was 15 and I still don't, It makes me paranoid.....So I'm like why didn't you tell me this when you got the test and she says she missed it..OPPS..Long story short the only thing that got me back my 2 takehomes was the fact that pot stays in your system for about 30 days, and I had her test me again the day she told me, 3 weeks after the first test, and that came back negative, cause I don't smoke....Basiclly they fuck up constantly but because they think there dealing with a lower life form, most of the time were the ones that get fucked, even if we are telling the truth....

Michelle said...

I know how it's done, bottle of piss up the snatch to keep it warm and pour it in the cup instead of peeing in the cup yourself... but I wouldn't do it just for fuckin' take homes! That's not to say I look down on those who do, that's their business :) but if I shoved someone elses piss up my glory hole (and/or back door) it would be to avoid prison time or keep my baby for being taken away. Any other consequences... well, I'd just use my own piss and take the chance, dig? But I really haven't smoked weed for damnear a month now (3 1/2 weeks holy crap!) which is almost as big an accomplishment as the fact that I haven't stuck meself with a needle since APRIL holy nigga shit!

sHeLLeY mAmA

CindyB1 said...

14 days to go! WOW, have you set up for someone to post how you and the baby are doing? We are all going to want to know that all is well.

Anonymous said...

hey shelley its oxycontinuously from the forum; i was reading some of the comments that some people leave you, and what a bunch of faggots to talk shit about ur kid and all that...i know we've had disagreements in the past, but guess what? the two of us, if we had something to say to each other, said it directly; i hate when people fuckin try to be slick and leave this anonymous bullshit...and shit, for what it's worth, i got respect for you, cause ur plate is full, and ur still doing what's right for u and the kid, and staying away from lady h...most of these fucks that talk shit have NO idea what addiction and shit is all about...so shelley, fuck the haters and do you! you got my support, and my respect, for what it's worth, and i really mean that...take care, tony

Cocaine Princess said...

"I like my church and most of the folks there- they actually accept you for who you are instead of just talking about how nonjudgemental and tolerant they are while they silently judge you and give you the oogie-eye."

That's unbelievable because most churchy people are so judgmental and love to look down on people.

I've never been pregnant (I'm still single) so I don't really know what you're going through with the whole peeing thing but I do envy you. (How uncomfortable that must have been for you at the clinic!) You're so lucky to be having a baby and I know you're going to be a loving super mom! It's such an exciting time for you. Take Care. Stay Healthy.

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

k1tten said...

Love you. XO

Tuesday said...

Hi! I am just checking in and getting myself caught up after being gone. That is odd what happened with your UA at the clinic. Labs make mistakes all the time! I hope you have a good baby shower and get lotsa goodies for you and the little one. I'm going to go now catch up on what youve been up to while I've been sick.

Take Care
-Tuesday

Sal aka The Juggla said...

Yo wattup Shelly? I jusr wanted to give you props for being cool as shit and emailing me back to shoot the shit like it was nothin...and yea I fiugred you were a 'lette cuz of the email addy...I am dyin to get a hatchet tat I want a hatchetman and the riddle box on my right leg in some sort of a collage but I always got my authentic hatchetman charm hangin from my neck I never take it off....So yea i juat wanted to drop u a line and say i appreciate the email back and to wish u more luck on the upcoming birth....MMFWCL homie and Stay Grindin.

Sal aka The Juggla

Anonymous said...

congrats Shelly - the prego hormones drop off in your third trimester which could be why they didn't show.
-Synack