eating sand in knee-deep water

So I go to the 'done clinic this morning about 5 minutes before they closed for the day and was standing in the relatively short line, and before I even got to the front the nurse called my name and told me that my counselor had to see me before I could dose. Whatever. I figured she got the results of my whiz quiz because I asked her to let me know if I passed for THC or not (I quit smoking pot 3 weeks ago and took my test a few days ago and if I am negative for pot, then I get takehomes and only hafta come in 3 days/week!), so I go into her office and we have the following conversation:

"Michelle, I just got the results back from the lab from your UA."

Cool, did I come up for pot or no?

"Actually no, you're negative for everything except methadone. Whose urine was it?"

What? My pee... why would I have someone else's... what? Why?

"You're negative for EVERYTHING except methadone... and that means the pregnancy test also came up negative."

Really? So you don't think I'm pregnant?

"No, of course you're pregnant. That's why I don't think this is your urine. I have to administer another test but I need to watch you pee this time. Are you ok with that?"

Doesn't bother me any. One question though... was the pee diluted?

"Actually, yes... so you're telling me that it was a lab error, and that it's really your urine?"

Well I know for a fact I'm not carting around anyone else's piss, so it was either a lab error or I'm not really pregnant and this [pats huge belly] is just a crazy moving tumor or something.

"I didn't think you'd used anyone else's pee, but I had to know for sure and the only way to know was to confront you like that. You'd be surprised at what people will do just to get their take homes- they put containers of pee up inside their bodies!"

I've actually heard of that, but I'll be honest with you: I would not carry around a bottle of someone else's piss unless I was facing prison time. And I'm *not*, so I didn't. Plus, it was a random test! I didn't know you were gonna be testing me on that specific day, which means I would had to have carried the piss bottle in every day for about a week... just to test negative for pot? No, not my style at all.

So I had to pee in front of her and she sent in my new specimen for testing. It really was my piss, and it really did say that I wasn't pregnant... weird huh? The good news is that it tested negative for THC, which means that the one I took today will also. Hooray!!! That means I get my fuckin' take homes maybe. I'm very glad I had all those diluted tests in a row, they proved my innocence in this case. Hah!

I went to Golden Corrall with Greg 2 days in a row and today we went to the beach. I think there's another hurricane in the Atlantic because the waves were crazy! I was getting knocked down and eating sand in knee-deep water, and so was Greggie. :) I got sunburned, I swallowed a gallon of salt water and took another gallon up my nose, I left half my skin on the bottom of the ocean, my eyes are bloodshot, my hair is straw, I'm achy, and that Lake Worth cop who tazered me (the lieutenant, more about that situation here: http://michelleldub.blogspot.com/2007/11/parlance-of-prostitutes.html) saw me at the beach today and pointed at me before driving on... and it was all worth it. I am so glad that man took me to the beach today, what fun.

Tommorrow is the baby shower at my church. It's so sweet of the ladies at church to give me a baby shower, I didn't expect them to. I like my church and most of the folks there- they actually accept you for who you are instead of just talking about how nonjudgemental and tolerant they are while they silently judge you and give you the oogie-eye.

God, I hope this baby is born soon. I literally have to stop and pee 4-6x during a movie that lasts an hour and a half! This morning at breakfast, 4 pee-breaks. Wow there is a lot in this blog entry about pee today, something must be wrong with me. :)