Tuesday, September 9, 2008

kwee-wee

I. Am. Too. God. Damn. La. Zy. To. Up. Date. Re. Gu. Lar. Ly.

There- I said it! I am one lazy pregnant bee-yotch. Every time I write, I promise to update "every other day" or "2-3 times a week" and that becomes once a week, if that. So whatever- I update once a week. I can try to update more, but the god's honest truth is that nothing interesting happens lately. I started this blog because so much crazy shit happened to me on a daily basis that I just had to share. Now, I am 9 months pregnant and sitting at home most of the day. I play around online, I go out to eat sometimes, I do the grocery shopping for the house (even when I'm broke, my dad won't let anyone go grocery shopping without me because I can bring home $100 worth of food for $60 and I know which brands are worth paying extra for- basically I am awesome at grocery shopping!), I go to the library and check out books, I watch tons of movies from Blockbuster, I hang out with Greg and have awkward huge-belly sex (I usually end up hurting my back, but it's worth it), I drink tons and tons of water and milk and Crystal Light, I complain about the baby kicking me and how much my back hurts, I make money online, I watch the wildlife in my yard, I smoke 5 or 6 Newports a day, I sometimes wish I had drugs, I try to make the voices in my head shut up.

That's it- that's my fucking life right now. I have never been so bored, but at the same time I'm too fuckin' tired and fat and achy to really want to do anything. I'm going with Greg to happy hour at TGI Fridays after Jaz is born, have me some booze and some non-huge-belly sex on one of the nights that my parents babysit. Hooray! I'll pump some milk in advance and use those alcohol milk test strips to make sure baby doesn't get drunk too... make it real safe-like. Drugs after she is born? No, no drugs... there is a possibility that I will start smoking pot again (not on a regular basis) but I don't even think I'm gonna go in that direction again. Heroin and coke and crack- that's not even an option. You can be a good mom if you go out drinking one night when you have a trustworthy babysitter, and you can even be a good mom if you smoke pot sometimes. But NO ONE can be a good mom while nodding on dope or tweeking on coke. I miss my drugs, shit I miss them *badly* sometimes, but I'd rather be a good mom than get high. That was a hard choice to make (it shouldn't have been, I know) but I'm 100% confident that I chose right. I can't be a mom and a junkie at the same time, so I choose mom. Fuck being a junkie- I already did that, didn't I? I know what that life is all about, but this new life... I know nothing about it and I'd like to learn. I can't wait.

Plus, I don't need coke- I have been high as fuck lately on nothing but hormones and unmedicated bipolar disorder. This morning I couldn't stop talking at all, my head was spinning and the voices in my head were screaming at me to go get some heroin. They reminded me of the d-boy's phone number (which I had forgotten) and told me that since I had gotten piss-tested today at the clinic that I could get away with a shot. They even told me where I could get a needle! Fuckin' voices in my head. I didn't listen to them, but I did hafta take a vistaril which was prescribed by my ob/gyn because it's safe for pregnancy. I recently switched from generic (hydroxyzine) to name-brand (vistaril) and the new shit knocks me for a loop. I went from totally freaking out- spinning, tons of head noise, babbling, heart racing, laughing and crying at the same time, etc- to damnear comatose in about an hour. I finally passed out, that brand vistaril feels like valium. It does help satisfy my drug craving without taking anything illegal or dangerous to the baby, which is awesome.

And... that's it. Thanks to all who suggested movies and television shows, I added a whole bunch of stuff to my "queue" which I call DA LIST because I don't like that word queue. It looks like it should be pronounced kwee-wee doesn't it?

5 comments:

ImAchatterer said...

Hey Shelly-
You don't know me from shit and I've never commented on a blog before BUT I just HAD to tell you how impressed I am with how far you've come. I'm a 44 year old wife and mom from SoCal so we are basically worlds apart. I have an Oxy habit (RX'd for chronic pain) but like any proper addict I abuse them. I have a 20 yr old son and I TOTALLY remember the last weeks of pregnancy and what you are feeling is completley normal. YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES! Once Jaz comes into the world you will be SO in love with her that,as you stated,dope will not even be an option. Once you get that baby in your arms all that will matter is her happiness and safety. I think the 4 months HA could not come at a better time. Ohhh,I'm jealous! 4 months to bond and love with your newborn. You'll be suprised how content you're going to be. BTW? When is your due date? Hang in there girl. Motherhood is SO worth it!!!

who runs da souf? said...

I always knew u could quit if u wanted 2, u were the only 1 of 'the Assosiates' who ever had a snowball chance in hell of quitting the high, but not until you had a dam good reason bc I no u love dope n tweek a hell of a lot, what the fucks not to like u no, but the fact that u can put it all down and pick up dat bay-bay instead makes me cry in happyness for u angel, my best friend in all of fucking creaition, god u dont realize how proud of u I really am, check ur "vitrual tip jar' on the 15th and u will have a f..a..t 'TIP" from me, the 15th bc i gotta pay off stupid card with another stupid card or else it wont work u no, but its bc I luv u so much angel please stay on your path and i will come over 2c u after baby is born, n I will come CLEANN just for u ill get my head strait b4 coming 2 u bc Im 2 far gone 2 kick but there will b no tweek in ur pressense fair?????? god i miss u u beatufil gangsta deep souf dirty mouf grrl!!!!!!!!!!

ELLIOTT

Coke Addiction Kinda Sucks said...

'Chelle, I'm glad to hear you've got into the mindset to stop the hard shit. Kudos!

Anonymous said...

You don't know me either, and our situation is only similar because of heroin use, but I just wanted to say be strong!!! I couldn't always be strong, even having a kid, it's hard, and i feel horrible, why am i writing this? ugh.

Anonymous said...

Hey Girl, it's BDG from Opio. I've never left a comment before but I had to respond to this post. I'm so unbelievably proud of you right now. You've grown so much since you've become pregnant. Gone is the selfish egocentric little girl and standing in her place is a woman who is gearing up for the most important job she'll ever undertake.

I too was faced with an unplanned pregnancy as a single mom and although it was a hard road to walk I never regretted the decision to keep him. Everyone in my life was pressuring me to either have an abortion, and once the pregnancy progressed too far for that action, to give him up for adoption. But I held firm and my son is now 17 years old and the light of my life.

I often felt like it was me and him against the world, fuck all the haters. And because I wanted to prove everyone wrong, I worked hard to become a great mom. I see that same firey spirit in your posts and I have no doubt that you can become a truly wonderful mom!