a slow little munchkin

The baby shower at my church was amazing! I have never gotten so much damn stuff at once in my life, and I set up the baby's room which is also my room. I expected 10, maybe 15 women to show up with gifts but in reality it was more like 30. My mom loaded up the Ford Fusion with the gifts, filling the trunk, backseat, and front passenger seat to absolute capacity. I actually had to get a ride home from someone else because I didn't fit in the fucking car! That isn't including the crib which was delivered to my house along with the crib mattress, the stroller and car seat which were sent to my local Wal-Mart and was just picked up yesterday (my mom and I put the damn stroller together by ourselves, without the help of the menfolk- hooray for us!!), the high chair which was given a ride home in the car I had to ride in, and a shitload of stuff that was dropped off in my garage last week. It's freakin' incredible.

The reality is, I have SOOOO much baby crap that I ended up having to give some stuff away since there wasn't any room for it all! I kept the stuff I needed (of course) and then the stuff I really liked, then gathered all the stuff I didn't need/like/want along with the stuff I received *way* too much of and put it in a couple large bags. I gave the bags, which included 3 *huge* packs of disposable diapers which I won't need since I am totally determined to use washable cloth diapers exclusively, to my counselor at the methadone clinic, since she is also the counselor for all the chicks with babies under 1 year old. When I gave her the bag, she asked why I wasn't selling the stuff and I replied that it had been given to me for free and it wasn't right for me to then turn around and sell it for a profit. That earned me a weird look from her and then she told me that I was one of the only patients at the clinic to think like that. I guess I should take that as a compliment!

I guess I'll talk about Greggie- what can I say about him? Greg... well, how do I put this.... he is the best fucking boyfriend I could ever imagine having. We have had our arguments and problems like any other couple, but I have complete faith that he loves me and will do damnear anything for me. He's not just talk, he puts his money where his mouth is, and even if he didn't want kids at first (hell, neither did I) I know he is excited about the impending new munchkin. As long as I stay off the shit- which I don't have much of a choice about anyways, it's sober time for Michelle- he is right there by my side. I love my man Greggie with all of my heart and I'm always trying to find ways to show him how much I care. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know... and I already give great head so I need more creative suggestions than that, k? :)

This fuckin' baby is a slow little munchkin. She still hasn't been born yet which is *totally* gay- I am 4cm dilated and basically "all systems are go." The dr cannot fucking figure out why she is not being born! I tried walking,There is some very very good news though....

I AM BEING INDUCED ON

THURSDAY 9/25!!!

eating sand in knee-deep water

So I go to the 'done clinic this morning about 5 minutes before they closed for the day and was standing in the relatively short line, and before I even got to the front the nurse called my name and told me that my counselor had to see me before I could dose. Whatever. I figured she got the results of my whiz quiz because I asked her to let me know if I passed for THC or not (I quit smoking pot 3 weeks ago and took my test a few days ago and if I am negative for pot, then I get takehomes and only hafta come in 3 days/week!), so I go into her office and we have the following conversation:

"Michelle, I just got the results back from the lab from your UA."

Cool, did I come up for pot or no?

"Actually no, you're negative for everything except methadone. Whose urine was it?"

What? My pee... why would I have someone else's... what? Why?

"You're negative for EVERYTHING except methadone... and that means the pregnancy test also came up negative."

Really? So you don't think I'm pregnant?

"No, of course you're pregnant. That's why I don't think this is your urine. I have to administer another test but I need to watch you pee this time. Are you ok with that?"

Doesn't bother me any. One question though... was the pee diluted?

"Actually, yes... so you're telling me that it was a lab error, and that it's really your urine?"

Well I know for a fact I'm not carting around anyone else's piss, so it was either a lab error or I'm not really pregnant and this [pats huge belly] is just a crazy moving tumor or something.

"I didn't think you'd used anyone else's pee, but I had to know for sure and the only way to know was to confront you like that. You'd be surprised at what people will do just to get their take homes- they put containers of pee up inside their bodies!"

I've actually heard of that, but I'll be honest with you: I would not carry around a bottle of someone else's piss unless I was facing prison time. And I'm *not*, so I didn't. Plus, it was a random test! I didn't know you were gonna be testing me on that specific day, which means I would had to have carried the piss bottle in every day for about a week... just to test negative for pot? No, not my style at all.

So I had to pee in front of her and she sent in my new specimen for testing. It really was my piss, and it really did say that I wasn't pregnant... weird huh? The good news is that it tested negative for THC, which means that the one I took today will also. Hooray!!! That means I get my fuckin' take homes maybe. I'm very glad I had all those diluted tests in a row, they proved my innocence in this case. Hah!

I went to Golden Corrall with Greg 2 days in a row and today we went to the beach. I think there's another hurricane in the Atlantic because the waves were crazy! I was getting knocked down and eating sand in knee-deep water, and so was Greggie. :) I got sunburned, I swallowed a gallon of salt water and took another gallon up my nose, I left half my skin on the bottom of the ocean, my eyes are bloodshot, my hair is straw, I'm achy, and that Lake Worth cop who tazered me (the lieutenant, more about that situation here: http://michelleldub.blogspot.com/2007/11/parlance-of-prostitutes.html) saw me at the beach today and pointed at me before driving on... and it was all worth it. I am so glad that man took me to the beach today, what fun.

Tommorrow is the baby shower at my church. It's so sweet of the ladies at church to give me a baby shower, I didn't expect them to. I like my church and most of the folks there- they actually accept you for who you are instead of just talking about how nonjudgemental and tolerant they are while they silently judge you and give you the oogie-eye.

God, I hope this baby is born soon. I literally have to stop and pee 4-6x during a movie that lasts an hour and a half! This morning at breakfast, 4 pee-breaks. Wow there is a lot in this blog entry about pee today, something must be wrong with me. :)

I guess I'm officially white trash now...

Look at my new GOLD tooth!!

kwee-wee

I. Am. Too. God. Damn. La. Zy. To. Up. Date. Re. Gu. Lar. Ly.

There- I said it! I am one lazy pregnant bee-yotch. Every time I write, I promise to update "every other day" or "2-3 times a week" and that becomes once a week, if that. So whatever- I update once a week. I can try to update more, but the god's honest truth is that nothing interesting happens lately. I started this blog because so much crazy shit happened to me on a daily basis that I just had to share. Now, I am 9 months pregnant and sitting at home most of the day. I play around online, I go out to eat sometimes, I do the grocery shopping for the house (even when I'm broke, my dad won't let anyone go grocery shopping without me because I can bring home $100 worth of food for $60 and I know which brands are worth paying extra for- basically I am awesome at grocery shopping!), I go to the library and check out books, I watch tons of movies from Blockbuster, I hang out with Greg and have awkward huge-belly sex (I usually end up hurting my back, but it's worth it), I drink tons and tons of water and milk and Crystal Light, I complain about the baby kicking me and how much my back hurts, I make money online, I watch the wildlife in my yard, I smoke 5 or 6 Newports a day, I sometimes wish I had drugs, I try to make the voices in my head shut up.

That's it- that's my fucking life right now. I have never been so bored, but at the same time I'm too fuckin' tired and fat and achy to really want to do anything. I'm going with Greg to happy hour at TGI Fridays after Jaz is born, have me some booze and some non-huge-belly sex on one of the nights that my parents babysit. Hooray! I'll pump some milk in advance and use those alcohol milk test strips to make sure baby doesn't get drunk too... make it real safe-like. Drugs after she is born? No, no drugs... there is a possibility that I will start smoking pot again (not on a regular basis) but I don't even think I'm gonna go in that direction again. Heroin and coke and crack- that's not even an option. You can be a good mom if you go out drinking one night when you have a trustworthy babysitter, and you can even be a good mom if you smoke pot sometimes. But NO ONE can be a good mom while nodding on dope or tweeking on coke. I miss my drugs, shit I miss them *badly* sometimes, but I'd rather be a good mom than get high. That was a hard choice to make (it shouldn't have been, I know) but I'm 100% confident that I chose right. I can't be a mom and a junkie at the same time, so I choose mom. Fuck being a junkie- I already did that, didn't I? I know what that life is all about, but this new life... I know nothing about it and I'd like to learn. I can't wait.

Plus, I don't need coke- I have been high as fuck lately on nothing but hormones and unmedicated bipolar disorder. This morning I couldn't stop talking at all, my head was spinning and the voices in my head were screaming at me to go get some heroin. They reminded me of the d-boy's phone number (which I had forgotten) and told me that since I had gotten piss-tested today at the clinic that I could get away with a shot. They even told me where I could get a needle! Fuckin' voices in my head. I didn't listen to them, but I did hafta take a vistaril which was prescribed by my ob/gyn because it's safe for pregnancy. I recently switched from generic (hydroxyzine) to name-brand (vistaril) and the new shit knocks me for a loop. I went from totally freaking out- spinning, tons of head noise, babbling, heart racing, laughing and crying at the same time, etc- to damnear comatose in about an hour. I finally passed out, that brand vistaril feels like valium. It does help satisfy my drug craving without taking anything illegal or dangerous to the baby, which is awesome.

And... that's it. Thanks to all who suggested movies and television shows, I added a whole bunch of stuff to my "queue" which I call DA LIST because I don't like that word queue. It looks like it should be pronounced kwee-wee doesn't it?

tell me what movies to watch!

I'm signed up for Blockbuster Online, the $20 plan where I get 3 movies at a time and 5 in-store exchanges per month. I was gonna get a cheaper plan, but I'm probably gonna end up on house arrest and figure that I will appreciate having lots of movies to watch. Currently, I am watching the HBO show Weeds and just finished the first season- great show, very dramatic and unrealistic and interesting, which are all things I look for in a show. Also Sons of Anarchy starts tommorrow, and since I constantly watch FX I have seen it advertised enough times that I actually want to watch it. Who ever said advertising doesn't work?

Back to the point- as happy as I am with Blockbuster, my movie queue [aka DA LIST] is quite short and I can't think of movies/tv shows to add. I need recommendations! I have already asked on a couple of the forums that I frequent, and now I am asking here. Basically I am capable of being interested in damnear any movie that I catch within the first 15 minutes (there are always exceptions!) but here are my top genre picks:

(1) Scary movies- slasher flicks are ok sometimes but intelligent horror movies (aka "psychological thrillers") are more my style.

(2) Cartoons! I like kids cartoons as well as those made for adults, but i HATE anime .

(3) Comedies of all kinds: slapstick, comedy/dramas, stupid shit, sophomoric garbage, stand-up routines, love 'em all. The only exception, I don't much like films that call themselves "romantic comedies" since they are all about the same and they annoy me.

(4) Any movie about a murderer/serial killer who outsmarts everybody- even if he gets caught in the end.

(5) Sick strange psychotic movies that don't follow a timeline or make you watch them over and over to figure out wtf just happened on TV.

(6) Prison movies and GOOD dope movies (a lot of dope movies are major suckfests), especially ones involving crack since movie crackheads are even more entertaining than crackheads in real life!

(7) Cop movies of all types- corrupt cops and good-guy cops, I like all of 'em. These are probably my favorite type of movie, cop flicks! I'm thrilled about the new Samuel L. Jackson movie "Lakeview Terrace" where he will play a corrupt cop who scares the crap outta his white neighbors- hooray!!

(8) ROBERT DOWNEY JR, Adam Sandler, JOHNNY DEPP, Tim Burton, Benicio Del Toro, Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphey (sp?), Mark Wahlberg ["Marky Mark"], Samuel L Jackson, Penelope Cruz, WILL FERRELL (again sp?), Ben Stiller, Denzel Washington, and WESLEY SNIPES.

What I don't like: pretentious foreign films, *anime*, science fiction, action movies with no plot besides explosions, fantasy stuff (such as Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter), Michael Moore, slasher movies with no plot besides blood and guts like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Jack Black (I hate that fucker with a passion that burns deep within me... grrrrr), teenager "coming-of-age" shit, and Date Movie or Epic Movie or any "[vague genre] Movie" since the FIRST Scary Movie (ok, the third one was good too- but that's it!!)

Please give me your movie recommendations in my comments page, thanks in advance to anyone who does! House arrest will go much quicker with many things to watch on TV I bet.

a little knowledge never hurt anyone

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I'd take another month of his screaming asshole friends

I was gonna post about lots of things, but one by one I forgot what they were. Go figure, right? But now it's 4:38am and I don't feel like making this long, since I have a long car ride ahead of me and I want as much new music on my ipod as possible so I don't get bored. So while Shareaza is my first priority, this must be updated because I am leaving for Gainesville today and when I get back I want to talk about me trip. Lucas is going back to school (UF) and my mama is driving him, and she asked if I wanted to go with for the trip. Basically we are just dropping him off at his apartment (he's living off campus this semester, his first apartment which means no one will be "looking out" or coming in once a week to clean his bathroom and empty the trash) and then me and moms are going to a motel for the night and maybe we will do something else, I will write about it upon my return. I am gonna miss my little bro soooo fucking much! I'd take another month of his screaming asshole friends if it meant he got to stay here another month... : (

Anyways I stopped smoking pot which I guess is good. Greggie is helping keep me in check with that cause there's no hiding shit from him. He always knows what I'm trying to hide, which can get on my nerves but it can actually be a good thing. I figure after the munchkin is born, I can decide what I want to do then although maybe being "weedless" is better. Guess I'll find out.

The "hurricane" turned out to be nothing, although a tornado touched down in the suburb where I live (not that far from me actually). It took down a bunch of horse barns (there are tons of equestrians and polo players in my parents suburb), when I saw the damage I was sad because I thought that the horses might have gotten killed or hurt. Turns out that no horses were harmed, hooray! What I saw during the storm was buckets of rain for half a day. Driving to the methadone clinic sure was crazy though- I thought the wind was gonna flop the car right over. Everyone was driving 30mph, with their blinkers/brights on, and in the left lane. Any car who attempted the right or even center lane ended up driving through retardedly large puddles- also getting "stuck" behind the 3 or 4 cars that I saw stalled out in the middle of a road-lake over there. They must've flooded their undercarriages, hah! But I have shown my superior driving skills if I can make it through that- fuck not having a "permission slip," I am one of the safest drivers I know!

On the forum I hang out at, someone spewed a bunch of hate at me... started a whole thread about it. Have these people not figured out that that type of shit doesn't bother me? In fact I like the attention- yeah I'm a total attention whore, so is anyone with a "tell-all" blog, who cares. The funniest thing about that forum is that if any given member dislikes any other member, they will actually give a psychiatric diagnosis- because after all, reading lies that people post is the best way to figure out their medical problems. My "diagnosis" was borderline personality disorder, which I thought was great. If you want to see what was written (it is pretty funny) go here:
http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=18288
I don't know if it will work because it's on a "private" part of the forum actually. If non-members could let me know if that link works, cause it obviously works for me but I am a member. One thing about this guy- at least he posted his flame with a username instead of anonymously over here. I guess that shows he has at least one testicle right?

Send more money!