person who keeps me

Shit's just going from bad to worse. Still no heroin though... yuk. Whatever. I can't talk about it... hell, I don't even have a damn journal to write stuff down that I can't post online. It's catharsis ($0.50 word) to write all your shit down, and usually I use this blog, but certain things wouldn't be prudent to discuss on an open forum such as this.

You know that song by the Smashing Pumpkins, that old-school song 'Bullet with Butterfly Wings'? That's me right now. Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage and there's some who would say what is lost can never be saved, despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage. I feel so... kept in. It's like when I was in jr high and I'd get grounded for dumb kid stuff, such as shoplifting lighters or cutting class or smoking pot. Every time I got grounded, I would sneak out my window first chance I got. Hell, I haven't "snuck out" of a place since I left boarding school. It's always been more like. "Yo, I'm going out, I'll be back at blablabla time (or I dunno when I'll be back)" Now...

...ummmmmmmm.....

I pretty much had to sneak out this morning just to see my damn boyfriend. Person who keeps me is soooooo uber-concerned with me not seeing my boyfriend that it's just ridiculous. Did I spell that right? Who cares. Today it was like, "I'm revoking your bond. You're going back to jail cause you don't do what I say and you have a mind of your own and are acting like a grownup instead of the little kid I'm treating you like." Ahhhhhh.... everybody's someone else's nigger, I know you are, so am I. But I wasn't born with enough middle fingers so I don't need to choose a side.

I am the property of no one. Shit on a damn biscuit. Shit, I can't even spell that word! I'm not doing so good.

"I'm taking you right back to the jail. My lawyer told me yada yada yada. Revoke your bond. Sit in there. No bail. Blatta-blatta-blatta." Frustration abounds. I know that I am doing somewhat good, no needles but everything has a price. I just dunno if I was willing to pay and still don't know God damn! Nother song quote: "tonight I can't sleep, we livin' in hell first they put us to work then they throw us in jail."

I guess that's my vent. I got more but... silence is golden. But my eyes still see, yo...

Drinking beer in the hot sun
I fought the law and I won
I needed money and I got mine
I fought the law and I won
I fought the law and I won
I shot George and Harvey's brains out with my six-gun
I fought the law and I won
Pretend I'm like the leader of the Ku Klux Klan
Cause my fat friends think it's fun
You can get away with murder if you got a badge
I fought the law and I won
I am the law, so I won

-Dead Kennedys (semi-cover)