breaking and exiting

I want to eat a bullet. One silver pill should do the trick.

Just kidding... I guess. "Dude" has now been upgraded to "The Jailer Dude" because he thinks he's a police now. All talk about calling his lawyer and getting me 6 months for my lil ass misdemeanors and new charges and bond revocation and "your goin back to Gun Club, hyuck hyuck, I'm a snaggle-toothed fruitcake", he thinks he's got more game than Scrabble but he doesn't know me very well, huh?

So, I took OxyContin yesterday. Sweet fucking relief. The Jailer Dude didn't stop calling my phone the whole time I was out. I have a BOYFRIEND. He needs to understand that I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. People out on bond are allowed boyfriends. Criminals are allowed boyfriends. So are hookers. So why the fuck not me? Was my [victimless] crime so bad that I deserve what I'm experiencing? I've never even thrown a first punch in my life. So, finally Jailer Dude comes and gets me, and then tells me that he's taking me back to jail. I called his bluff (he didn't take me back to jail, obviously) and so I knew for a fact that he is all talk. If I'm in jail, where's the money at? Where's the white girl pussy at? On the other side of the glass, bitch! He doesn't want that. He wants CONTROL!!!! Oooooh big scary word, control.

For example...

This morning, I called my brother. I had a pressing question to ask him about getting me the fuck up outta this bitch. Who do I have to turn to, no one here in Palm Beach County that's fer damn sure. After I hung up with bro, I deleted the number so that The Jailer Dude wouldn't have it because it's my brother not his. MY cellphone, MY money bought it, MY money pays it, MY family, why not do what I want with it? Right? Right? Well, first he did the whole "yer-goin-back-to-county" spiel which was kinda gay but I can almost say his speech along with him by now so whatever. Then he left to go do a job- and locked me in the trailer and took my cellphone. I am locked in the trailer right now. See why he's The Jailer Dude???

He told me I better not break the door. But... I know there's a law against breaking and entering. But is "breaking and exiting" illegal? I remember one time, when I was with Micheal (my ex) we got in a fight, and he locked me in a bathroom and wouldn't let me out. My friend (not my friend no more) called the police and his charge was "false imprisonment" aka second degree kidnapping in the state of Florida. God, if only I had my cellphone.

I wanted to turn the gas on last night when The Jailer Dude went to sleep and just walk out the door. Sleep... sleeep... don't bother waking up bitch! Just kidding about that too. I would never kill anybody. I will kick a bitch in the nuts though if he runs any more god damn game with me. He doesn't know how to play CHESS and that is the game. In chess, you anticipate their next move and stay ready for it. Ribbons and ribbons of possibilities. I can play chess, motherfucker. Your move.

So, goodbye friends if I do end up back in county jail. At least there I'll have people to talk to that don't constantly threaten me. Cause I am CUT OFF. He deleted all my numbers, changed MY number, keeps me in, and won't allow me contact with any of my friends or family. Except my stepmom, but only cause she's a bitch and she's on The Jailer Dude's side. Not that she knows the whole story or anything...

the dollar bills

RESENTMENT

by: Michelle Angelina

you see all these people say they coming to my aid
i either pay it back in lockdown or i pay it back in trade
cause you don't know me well enough to know i'm cold as ice
and though i hook up half the block but not because i'm nice
so you infiltrate my hear, sympathize with all my hate
i see the bared-wire fish hook but i still took the bait
but shit don't work like that cause no one is for real
it's all about control, the dollar bills, and copping feels
i know it's sposed to show you care each time you tell me 'no'
but enough of this and trust me, i'mma tell you where to go
there's always an agenda, ain't nothing 'just because'
if you wanted me on lock you shoulda left me where i was
it's not cause i'm ungrateful, it's not cause i'm a bitch
but i gotta figure out a way to scratch this itch

person who keeps me

Shit's just going from bad to worse. Still no heroin though... yuk. Whatever. I can't talk about it... hell, I don't even have a damn journal to write stuff down that I can't post online. It's catharsis ($0.50 word) to write all your shit down, and usually I use this blog, but certain things wouldn't be prudent to discuss on an open forum such as this.

You know that song by the Smashing Pumpkins, that old-school song 'Bullet with Butterfly Wings'? That's me right now. Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage and there's some who would say what is lost can never be saved, despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage. I feel so... kept in. It's like when I was in jr high and I'd get grounded for dumb kid stuff, such as shoplifting lighters or cutting class or smoking pot. Every time I got grounded, I would sneak out my window first chance I got. Hell, I haven't "snuck out" of a place since I left boarding school. It's always been more like. "Yo, I'm going out, I'll be back at blablabla time (or I dunno when I'll be back)" Now...

...ummmmmmmm.....

I pretty much had to sneak out this morning just to see my damn boyfriend. Person who keeps me is soooooo uber-concerned with me not seeing my boyfriend that it's just ridiculous. Did I spell that right? Who cares. Today it was like, "I'm revoking your bond. You're going back to jail cause you don't do what I say and you have a mind of your own and are acting like a grownup instead of the little kid I'm treating you like." Ahhhhhh.... everybody's someone else's nigger, I know you are, so am I. But I wasn't born with enough middle fingers so I don't need to choose a side.

I am the property of no one. Shit on a damn biscuit. Shit, I can't even spell that word! I'm not doing so good.

"I'm taking you right back to the jail. My lawyer told me yada yada yada. Revoke your bond. Sit in there. No bail. Blatta-blatta-blatta." Frustration abounds. I know that I am doing somewhat good, no needles but everything has a price. I just dunno if I was willing to pay and still don't know God damn! Nother song quote: "tonight I can't sleep, we livin' in hell first they put us to work then they throw us in jail."

I guess that's my vent. I got more but... silence is golden. But my eyes still see, yo...

Drinking beer in the hot sun
I fought the law and I won
I needed money and I got mine
I fought the law and I won
I fought the law and I won
I shot George and Harvey's brains out with my six-gun
I fought the law and I won
Pretend I'm like the leader of the Ku Klux Klan
Cause my fat friends think it's fun
You can get away with murder if you got a badge
I fought the law and I won
I am the law, so I won

-Dead Kennedys (semi-cover)

pot smokers and serial killers

Oh lordy, there is so much going on that I am not at liberty to discuss on an "open" forum. I wish I could say everything that is going on, but so far only one person knows all the "deets" and frankly, I can't trust a motherfucker I never met. Basically my legal situation right now sucks. I'm scared of getting my bond revoked, which this bondsman I/we talked to said that dude who bonded me out (from here on out: Dude) couldn't revoke my bond without talking to a judge, and even then he'd have to have a damn good reason. And I'm not on dope, I'm not on crack, I'm not on meth. I'm drinking like a sumbitch and smoking pot, but who cares? I'm not on probation or anything, and even if I was, I'm not a drug offender. Well, not this time around at least. But since I'm out on 2 different bonds for 3 different misdemeanors (prostitution, resisting arrest without violence, and withholding information) all my cases are gonna come up at the same time next year. Yeah, I said next year. Those bitches CALENDAR-CALLED me so I could sit in jail till halfway through January. Now I'm glad my court date is far- I got Christmas and New Years Eve, bitches!

The one thing I'm bitching about more than anything is the fact that I can't leave. I'm stuck in Dude's house for most of the day and when I finally do get a breath of fresh air, I'm forced to swear on a stack of Bibles not to see anyone I care about. Why? My boyfriend doesn't get high, it's fucked up shit. I got plenty to bitch about, all about my legal sitch but maybe I should just shut my damn mouth.

I called the person I didn't snitch on and left an "anonymous message" telling them what was up. I guess my voice was recognized and they called my phone and promised me a freebie just for looking out. I dunno if I'm gonna take it or not. Yeah, this is me talking. Michelle, turning down free heroin. I'm not sure if I want back on points, I mean yeah a shot would be fucking lovely but... I don't like waking up with the feeling that someone just kicked your ass an hour ago, stomach in a knot, every tendon and nerve and muscle and vein in your body screaming FEED ME YOU STUPID WHORE!!!! So at least if I go back, I won't be going back blind. I'm a junkie, and I've been a junkie for a long time. I know what I'm getting myself into.

But now, I guess I gotta write about jail. All county jails are basically the same, pot smokers and serial killers chilling together and awaiting their sentences. But I didn't have as rough of a time as I thought I would, after the withdrawals slowed down. I would say "after the withdrawals ended" but I'm still fucking dopesick. I still wake up sweating and crying, god I'd suck a thousand dicks for ONE BAG!!!!!!!! Any volunteers? Hah, just kidding... but not really. (That's from the movie Dodgeball, the best comedy of all freakin' time!) Too many exclamation points, no? Anyways, I went to jail and I had some open sores (fucked-up track marks) so they threw me into the medical unit. That sucked. You sit in your cell for the whole day, on your bunk by yourself. At 8am we got out of the cell to shower and make legal calls (attorneys, public pretenders, court clerks, bondsmen, etc) and then at 8pm we got out of the cell to make personal calls. So that makes about 22 1/2 hours of bed-sitting a day. And let me tell you, that heroin withdrawal doesn't make it easy to sleep. I was up for my first 9 days. Finally I was cleared by medical and allowed into general population, aka GP. That was more fun, cause at least there were bitches there to talk to and I knew half the dorm. Hell, I had hooked up half the dorm when we were on the outs. I never sold heroin in my life and I was still known as the "dope fairy" cause I hate seeing people sick so I was always like, "pay me back if you can" and now I'm sitting in jail with these same hoes, sick as a dog, and not a BITCH is gonna offer me a piece of chocolate. Two-faced whores.

Oops, I think my ghetto is showing. Let's get back to reality.

I need to do something differently. I'm not even allowed to go make money!!! I'm claustrophobic as it is, and I can't be inside inside inside. Ever see that movie 'Cabin Fever'? Well that's me if I stay inside long enough. I told Dude that I wasn't an easy person to live with, that I need my own... well, I really need my own everything and that's why I usually live by myself. I mean, my last "roommate" before Dude was Joe, and he was the perfect roomate and after he overdosed on that fucking smack I decided I didn't want another roommate. Just another fallen soilder in the Dope War. Sometimes I wish that was me, you know? I could just take that one shot, out of the blue, through the black, and into that shining white light. Oops, I better watch myself. They might put me in the looney bin which won't look good in front of the judge.

So anywayz, even though I write this mostly for myself, I'll keep on posting as shit happens just in case anybody out there in cyberspace gives a fuck about The Misdemeanors of Michelle.

the parlance of prostitutes

Would you believe, I spent the last two weeks in county. I wasnt out for a damn week this time.

The real reason I was in there was because I possessed knowledge about a situation which I refused to tell police about (that's all the detail I'm giving). But it is a hell of an "arrest story" and I heard a comedian say once that when you're at a crossroads in life, always do what makes the better story. So now I will share my newest tale of wackyness.

OKAY, so I'm walking down US-1 when a cop pulls up (liutenant) and asks me, "are you working" which to those unfamiliar with the parlance of prostitutes means that he wants a date. I knew who he was, he used to bust my balls over at my old coke-copping place (I don't do coke no more) so I kept walking. Realizing that he's not gonna get me that way, he rolls back alongside me and says, "Michelle, we just wanna ask you a couple questions." and pulled out a set of cuffs. That's all I had to see, were those metal bracelets- I took off running like Dracula was attacking. Looking back I dunno why I ran- I was riding clean with no warrants even. So he jumps out of the unmarked and chases me and grabs me by my tanktop, ripping it mostly off then wrestles me to the ground. Then he tazered me in the stomach (I still have a scar, 2 weeks later) and yells "NO ONE RUNS FROM LAKE WORTH POLICE BITCH I'M THE GODDAMN LIUTENANT!!!" (btw I can't spell 'liutenant' from now on it will be Lt) But see, I already knew all of that. He cuffs me and thauls me in and writes up a ticket for "resisting arrest without violence" and says I have a court date on Dec 11 and I'm free to go on my merry way.

...IF...

me: Okay, what do you wanna know?
Lt: [asks about a situation that I'm not stupid enough to post about]
me: Well... am I under arrest?
Lt: Damn straight you are.
me: Then don't I have the right to remain silent?
Lt: (all pissy now) No, you have the right to go straight to county
me: So what else is new?

So I went straight to county. That damn police pulled strings with the state, they are trying to give me 90 days (I'm out on bond right now) and when I pled not guilty the state fucking calendar-called me and my court date isn't until January. NOW do y'all believe me that L-Dub PD is riding my ass? I'm staying with a friend right now who made me an awesome Thanksgiving meal last night and even brought ciggies to the jail when he picked me up. I'm 75% detoxed but the dragon is still biting me...dunno what I'm gonna do. I guess I'll try to be good, but no promises. I've never been too good at being good.

Free all the hookers and pimps out the clink! -ICP

giving me the ol' oogie eye

Well, it's officially "winter" here in SoFla. The weather is getting all screwy and confusing. Ever since the 3rd the damn weather hasn't made any sense. It'll be freezing cold (55 degrees) early in the morning, but all of the sudden at around 8am it jumps to 90 again. Then sometimes it gets cold again at night. One time the cold lasted all day- until about 9pm, when it jumped to at LEAST 80 and with no sunlight. Cold day, hot night out here by the Equator. What the fuck is that shit? Global warming, car emissions, blah blah blah. All I know is, I like being able to wear my hoodies. Not only are they awesome, sexy, and I have a billion of 'em, but they also have long sleeves, which make people stop giving me the ol' oogie eye that I get when people see my nasty purple tracks. Hooray for hoodies!

That was supposed to be quick. I'm actually on a mission which is not even close to completion. Just had to bitch about the weather. For example: right now it's 2:14 in the afternoon, and it's about 90 degrees outside. But 3 hours ago it was 60! Do you see how this just should not fucking be? Do you realize how HARD it is to pick out an outfit?

dreams of incarceration

I apologize to my loyal readers for being "away" as long as I was. But now you may rejoice, fans of me! For I have returned to entertain and titillate with my tales of junkydom and poetry of woe and anguish. Hah, I'm just kidding. I swear I'm not that full of my damn self. Just bein' a jackass, I guess.

So, yeah, I got arrested on Halloween. I didn't actually, you know, break the law. But you don't even have to break the law to get arrested by Lake Worth Police. Convinient, no? When's the last time you sat back and thought to yourself, "hey, I sure would like to go to county jail right now, but I don't wanna go through all the trouble of actually committing a crime." Well, you're in luck! Just head on down to Lake Worth's south side and walk down the street. If you see a cop, completely ignore him and don't do anything wrong. He will pull up on you and your dreams of incarceration will become a reality!

^bitter, no?

My official charge was Loitering with Intent to Solicit for Prostitution. I wonder if they can do that for other things, other "intents", when you get caught Loitering. Like maybe... Loitering with Intent to Rape a 12-Year-Old Boy or Loitering with Intent to Climb Up the Church Steeple and Shoot At Everybody. "Well, we finally caught them breaking a minor city ordinance so we can arrest them (hooray!) but if we just hit 'em with a loitering charge, they'll be out come morning. How do we keep 'em in there? We don't have anything to plant on these people. I know! I know! Let's add what we think she might have been planning on doing later! That'll add at least a couple more days. Seriously, does Miss Cleo work for LWPD now? How in the FUCK would they know what I intended to do? I thought I was just hanging out in the Burger King parking lot bullshitting with someone.

But anyways, they took me to jail where I stayed for 4 days, which is long enough to go through hellish heroin withdrawals but short enough so that I was still going through them when I got released (broke) at 11pm. I can't cop at midnight with no money. I camped out at a friend's house that night, and he ended up shoving pain pills down my throat cause I was so sick and couldn't stop crying out. God I hate coming off in jail.

So the next morning I managed to borrow a Grant from Greggie and copped from somebody pretty early in the morning. But I had no needles, and it was Sunday morning so none of the pharmacies were open until 10am. At that point I snorted a bag of dope for the first time since I was about 18. I didn't care. I needed to get well. Then I got my apartment back and we picked up Kitty from my family's house where she was staying.

I couldn't BELIEVE who bonded me out... hah!