Sunday, February 11, 2007

...oh, and take Lipozene

My stupid friends aren't going to Orlando. "Never trust a girl who is smoking her fifth joint of the evening when she tells you she made hotel reservations," that's what I always say. My cousin and I are still going which is awesome, it just pisses me off that my hoes are such stoner bastards. I'm in Miami right now, at my aunts' crib for my cousin Lorry's 25th birthday. Fun fun. Lorry and I are looking for a hotel to stay at in Orlando, or we can stay in the same rooms that Diamond was supposed to get for us. Only difference is that this time we'll actually, ya know, make reservations instead of just smoking pot and thinking about how nice it would be to have a hotel room.

I never know what to write here anymore, and normally I just end up babbling endlessly about nothing in particular. So I been writing my "findings" down in a teeny little memo pad to post later on. It's nothing but total randomness, but here goes...

1. "Mulch" is a funny word. It's almost like "munch," but no one in their right mind would munch on mulch.

2. Where do all those tiny little bags that dope is sold in come from? I know they don't get recycled, because every junkie I know (myself included) rips them in half, scrapes them, and then either throws them out or flushes them down the toilet. I've never seen bags that small for sale in any store, not even head shops, yet dealers seem to have a never-ending supply of the little motherfuckers. How the hell does that work?

3. Drug dealers change their names more than anybody in the world. If I was a drug dealer, I'd want to switch names a lot but wouldn't be able to because my real name is in huge black letters in the middle of my back. I guess I was never meant to sell dope.

4. Hotels vs motels- what is the difference? Technically, a hotel has room access through a lobby and a motel has room access directly from the parking lot. That's the literal definition. But in real life, hotels are where rich people stay when they travel and motels are where poor people live or druggies party on weekends. I think the names should be reversed. A shitty motel should be called a HOtel because of all the hoes that live and work there, and a high-end hotel should be called a MOtel because of how much money the rooms cost per night.

5. Why would anyone in their right mind smoke light cigarettes? They aren't any better for you than regular ones. Also, why would anyone smoke king-sized cigarettes when 100s cost the same and are bigger? That's just getting more for your money. Me, I smoke Newport 100s.

6. "I could care less." "I couldn't care less." Which one means that I don't care at all?

7. What's up with that TV commercial for Lipozene, the "miracle weight-loss pill"? The lady on the ad says, "Are you 20 or more pounds overweight, and every diet has failed? It's not your fault!" How is it not someone's fault that they are fat (with the possible exception of an honest-to-God glandular disorder, and in that case Lipozene isn't the answer)? Whose fault is it, if not your own? It's not like a fat guy sneezes on you and you catch his fat. No one can stick you with a dirty needle and give you 80 pounds. Here's what the commercial should say: "Are you 20 or more pounds overweight, and every diet has failed? Well, it's no one's fault but your own! Look at you, sitting there watching TV. Put down the Doritos and go for a jog or something, you fat son of a bitch... oh, and take Lipozene."

8. Hi-ho, high hoe, it's off to work I go.

9. I fiend for cigarettes because of the nicotine. I guess that makes me a nicofiend.

10. To my mother: Yes, I realize that you, your 2 sisters, and my cousin all drive red cars. Yes, it is cute at family get-togethers how all the red cars are all lined up. But do you have to point it out to me every single time we go to their house in Miami? That shit stopped being funny years ago.

There's no story that ain't been told
There's no gimmick that ain't been sold
There's no ocean that's never been swam
There's no saga that never began
There's no wheel that ain't been around
There's no treasure that ain't been found
There's no mind that's never been bored
There's no mother that ain't been ignored
There's nothing started that won't get stopped
There's no bomb that won't get dropped
There's no lie that's never been told
There's no beauty that won't get old
There's no opinion that can't be swerved
There's no beating that ain't been deserved
There's no road that's never been traveled
There's no doctor that ain't been baffled
There's no leader that ain't been led
There's no blood that ain't been shed
There's no garden the sun ain't beamed on
There's no shoulder that ain't been leaned on
There's no color that ain't been seen
Purple, red, yellow, blue, forest green
There's no drug that's never been dealt
There's no punch that ain't been felt
There's no prayer that ain't been prayed
There's no beast that ain't been afraid
There's no mountain that ain't been climbed
There's no lyrics that ain't been rhymed
There's no desert that ain't seen rain
And nobody here that ain't felt pain
Everything left has been done before
There's nothing new, nowhere to explore
So on the day when the wagons come
I just pray that they let me on

1 comment:

Michelle said...

sign me in yo!