Thursday, December 21, 2006

the idiot within grows stronger

So, Micheal just called me. He wants to know if I can cop for him. Last time I did that, my family got a phone call at 3 am and I had to give back to his mama (FUW) what he had traded me for the dope. I don't know if I should do it, hell, I don't know why I answered the phone when I saw it was him. But I did answer, and I did agree to help him out. I really don't know why. I guess the idiot within me grows stronger every day. The main question is, do I still love this man? The answer? I think so, but he's not worth the bullshit drama I have to go through in order to see him. Cause if I want to spend time with him, I got 2 options:

1) Hang with him while he lives at his FUW's house and works with her, which means I have to put up with her bitching (since he's not allowed to see or talk to me while living there) and might end up with more 3 am dope-related phone calls.

2) Move him out of FUW's house and into an apartment/motel room with me. This one I'm really super reluctant to do (I guess the idiot within hasn't completely taken me over) because I don't want to be responsible for the bastard.

Both options kind of suck asshole, if you ask me. Maybe I should just NOT go over to his workplace, NOT answer his phone calls, NOT buy heroin for him, NOT deal with the Fat Ugly Whore, NOT spend money on taxis to his house, NOT let him fuck me with no condom on the path in La Mancha while leaning over on a bulldozer, NOT have anything to do with that motherfucker at all. He's another kind of dope to me. I realize he's totally bad for me, I see him wrecking my life, I see everything going to shit because of him, yet I can't walk away. There is something that tells me to keep picking up that phone. I call it: the idiot within, which could also be what makes me poke myself with needles full of poison. But at least when I shoot up, it makes me feel awesome. He makes me feel shitty all the time. When I'm with him, when I'm not with him, when I'm thinking about him, when I'm fucking him, when I'm talking to him- if it has to do with Micheal it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Update- I just now (1:48 pm) got off the phone with Micheal. He is gonna cash his paycheck today and he wants me to go over there andd call for a deliver to his workplace. The idiot within began telling me what a good idea that was, how I won't have to go out anywhere and I'll get free heroin out of it and I can fuck around at home all day. I hate the idiot within, last night it was telling me to shoot my wake-up bags when I was already high as a kite and nodded out on the couch. I kept telling the idiot that I'd shoot the bag after this cartoon, then when it ended it was after the next cartoon. Finally I fell asleep and woke up 12 hours later with the monkey on my back trying to claw my eyes out. I'm glad I saved the wake-up. In fact, I only did one of my wake-up bags so I still have one left. If I'm not going out today, I better save my dope because even though Micheal will be buying me some, I tend to do a lot of dope. I guess I had that revelation: "Gee, I shoot a lot of dope!" Can't believe I came to that brilliant conclusion all by me-self. Wow. The idiot within is banging against the walls of my brain. He wants out. And I'm gonna let him out, in the form of:

buying dope for Micheal.

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