Monday, December 11, 2006

day two, or drowning in an ocean of pharmaceuticals

One pill makes you larger and the other makes you small
And the ones that mother gave you don't mean anything at all
Go ask Alice when she's 10 feet tall
[white rabbit]

Keep you doped with religion and sex on tv
And you think you're so clever and classless and free
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see
[working class hero]

When I wonder why I try
And I wonder why I bother
And I wonder why I cry
Why I go through all this trouble
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
[bottom of a bottle]

I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Last night I felt like absolute horseshit after finding 2 full bags of dope in my closet, so I poured out handfuls of each of my pills, added another fentanyl patch, and attempted to sleep. I started tripping, there's no other word to describe it. I'm still feeling it right now, it's awful. I had a Client last night, he used to sell all sorts of drugs and still knows where to get most of them. I didn't even ask him about it, even after the hundred was in my pocket. I'm really not craving a shot as much as I thought I would. The reason why is more than obvious, the pills are keeping my head screwed on. Take away my pills and my pot, I will turn into a very unhappy person in just a short while. Right now I'm sitting at my mom's house (still!) waiting for her to leave so I can smoke another joint. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever go back to Lake Worth, and to work, and all that happy horseshit. Well, I kind of like being at my mom's house with the TiVo and DSL internet and free food, and she's leaving today and won't return until Wednesday night. Sounds like a good time to shoot some cocaine. Ahhhh, that would be nice, wouldn't it? But no, I'm probably just gonna buy some more pot.

I never realized how agonizingly boring life is without the hammer. I used to be able to sit on my ass for days (if my financial situation allowed it) doing nothing but watching tv and shooting up, and I never remember getting bored. Hell, those were the best days. That's really the only thing I'm craving, is boredom relief. I almost wish I was a normal person who could find a way out of boredom without chemical aid- almost. My addiction is such a huge part of who I am that if I were to take that away, I would be so completely different that I might even have to change my name. But competing with the boredom is a ridiculous amount of laziness that makes even the smallest tasks seem like "too much work." I'll be bored, think of something to do to kill time, then attempt to get up and say "ah, fuck it."

I haven't taken a shower since Friday morning.

And now it's Monday afternoon.

It's a sad day in JunkyWorld when you're dopeless and too bored and lazy to wash your own ass. I keep seeing flashes of light and movement out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn my head to look there's nothing there. What is this, acid flashback? Or is it just Shelly drowning in an ocean of pharmaceuticals? I'll successfully kick dope and then become a pill addict, I could see it now, hah.

Wait... that's not funny at all.

...many hours later, now around 9 pm...

I figured it all out today. I'm not really trying toget sober because that's the last fucking thing I want. I don't want to face the world without some form of a cloud over my eyes, call me a pussy or a weakling I don't give a fuck I'm a god damn coward. I'm trying to get off dope- annd only temporarily- so I won't "need" it. I can do it every once in a while. Is that not the stupidest thing in the world? Like right now, I would do anything for a shot of smack. So instead I munch up a handful of pills, wash em down with Cisco, smoke pot until my lungs are on fire. Nothing is as it should be, I'm higher than I've been in a long time and I haven't even done any heroin. But the high is different, it's wrong. I kind of hate it, I can't think, I can't fucking form sentences. I don't remember pot and booze turning on me like this before, but with all the different pills and shit I've added into the mix I'm just kicking my own ass. I can't see. It's fucking weird. [nother gulp of Cisco] What is it about sobriety I'm so fucking scared of? Just the twitchyness? That fades in like a month or 2 months, will I have to keep myself blasted for that long? I'm scared of what's going to happen to me wha I fell off the chair. I will probably read this later when I'm not this stoned/barred out and will have no idea what it means. That's okay, because Oblivion is a part of my everyday life. I never remember what I did later. It's so sad. How many joints did I roll? I think almost 30, out of a quarter bag. They fill up a whole cigarette pack.

What in Christ's name am I talking about.

[too high to care what happens next]

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