Last night was really fascinating. I was sitting there, watching TV and eating hot dogs cut up into baked beans when I see on the news that there is a school bus teetering on the edge of a mountain. The bus driver was apparently running from the Overlook Hotel from The Shining, which in the movie was located in Colorado but was relocated to the scenic mountains of West Palm Beach about a year and a half ago. The school bus was full of preschool kids, but the driver was still half-possessed by the power of the Overlook and decided to kill himself and all the kids he was responsible for. But, if you recall from the movie, the hotel's power over a person weakens the further away from it they get. So right as he was about to drive the bus over the peak of Speis Mountain (the highest point in all of Florida), he realized what he was about to do and slammed on the brakes. He was almost too late- the bus didn't go over, but he had gone too far to just put the thing in reverse and drive the kids back home to Lake Worth/Lantana where they lived. They needed help!
Now, usually news coverage on an event like this comes complete with police/fire rescue/EMT intervention. But as the bus threatened to go over Speis Mountain, the police had other problems. Every bank in the entire county was being robbed at the same time- anyone who lives down here will be able to vouch for me because it was on every news channel. The funny part was that the bank robberies were NOT related- each was a seperate incident involving a seperate group of people, although all of the bank robbers were heavily armed and had hostages including women and children. So the police were too busy to help- can you belive it?
Greg looked at me and I realized that I needed to do something to save those kids. I raced into the camper to change from Michelle into... SuperHoe, defender of justice and giver of great blowjobs! Hooray! First, I shot up about 30 bags of heroin at the same time, because h is SuperHoe's equivelant of Popeye's spinach. I felt the superpowers flowing through me and was ready to into the Great Florida Mountains and save the day. Flying is not one of SuperHoe's powers, so Greg had to drive me in the camper truck until we saw Speis Mountain with the bright-orange school bus half-on and half-off the edge.
He parked and I got out. I was going to have to suck harder than I ever sucked before if I was going to pull that bus back onto solid ground. So I got down on my knees, wet my lips and sucked HARD, like I was hitting the world's largest rock pipe. The bus moved back- but just a little bit. I needed to do better than that. I banged another 10 bags and felt my superpowers increase- I sucked long, hard, and deep until I almost gagged. Success! The bus was sucked right back to safety! I spit on the rocky ground as I heard the children cheer. Then the driver came out and gave me $20 and asked where I needed a ride to.
When I got home, my arm was really hurting and I was tired so I took a percocet and went to sleep, dreaming about justice and heroin.
Come on people- lying about breaking my elbow and getting a prescription for weak-ass percs? I may be a loser, but I'm at least creative. If I'm gonna make up stories for this blog, I can do a better job than "I got hit by a car." But everything on here is true. Especially this last story- it really happened! You can see it on the news tonight, I'm sure it's bigger than just local news between the multiple bank robberies, the Overlook's powerful grasp, the children in danger, and the arrival of SuperHoe. But, friends and haters alike- you must promise not to reveal my secret identity! I can't have my arch-nemesis StraightEdgeMan knowing who I really am! Also, you NEED to believe every word I type here- all of you! If people that I've never met and never will meet think I'm a liar, it affects my life... somehow! After all, I didn't start this blog for fun or anything. I started it to impress people I don't know.
3 weeks ago