Thursday, August 23, 2007

"on the road to recovery"

I did crystal meth again today. I also bought a new notebook, so here's my brain emptying itself into it. I wrote 4 words: "live" "work" "Greggie" (my bf) and "die". Then I wrote the first thing that came into my mind. Here's what I came up with.

Live for yourself
Love others
Deserve the best or
Get what hell you deserve
Karma sure is a bitch

Work your way up the ladder
It's a long way up
It's the only way up
Lots of ways down
All of them a lot faster
Because no matter how high you climb
Hell is just a couple rungs beneath you

I wish we had more time
You work too much
And never have any fucking money
I sleep too much
And put my money in the wrong places
I wish we had more money
I wish we had more time

Die because of what I live for
Live for what I will soon die for
They say death is only the beginning
But if the starting line looks familiar
I don't want to run

Some other shit...

I've heard the same shit 50 million times
And I've still got 50 million rhymes
For every brain cell
And yet I sit in a cell
A homemade prison of my own creation
Like living in a foreign nation
A little brown universe all on it's own
Millions of people live here
But we all live here alone
To throw away the needle is to unlock the door
But I always come back for more

this is your brain on crystal meth
i sit back and wait for the attack
the rush that i crave and the energy i lack
eyes pop open like they were never closed
sleep is just an elusive dream
every muscle clenches up and starts to scream
it's almost hard to believe i ever dozed
the heat fills my head till my brain cells boil
my hand involuntarily crumples up my foil
and throws it to the ground
my heart beats- once, twice, and it's the loudest sound
i ever heard in my life
feel like my ears are gonna bleed
this may be what i want but sleep is what i need
i can't believe i gave this up for so long
my arms are like twigs but i feel so damn strong
like i suddenly have superpowers
and i know they'll last for hours
but hours turn into days
until i don't even know how long i've been away
but fuck that- this time i won't become a head case
cause all i want is one little taste

Enough with the notebook. My last heroin buy was last night at around 930. I managed to stretch the shit to last until about 6pm but now I can't get more. I'm not sick yet but I'm terrified to go to sleep because I'll be fucking crawling on the ground when I wake up. Staying awake until I'm too sick to sleep isn't an option though. Not only that, but when I wake up I have to go to the DMV with my mom and wait in fucking line to get ID cause if I don't I can't get a motel room which means it's the spillway for me tommorrow night. So after waking up in a pool of cold sweat and throwing up stomach acid for half an hour, I still have to wait several hours, some of them in the hot sun, before I can even start going to town and getting "on the road to recovery" so to speak. Why isn't the dopeman answering? I know he'll deliver to Wellington if I ask him to and I have fucking money. I'm so goddamn pissed off right now.

On a good note, I saw Shane today. We just bummed around the mall. Got to see Greg today too. He took most of my fucking money, that bastard. I love them both.

[[several hours later...]]

Dopeman answered and is on his way. Life is looking up.

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