Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"the cones are pretty self explanatory"

I am the laziest bitch ever. I've been walking a lot lately, and now my knees hurt so fucking bad I can't even stand up from the couch or my bed without my knees hurting like a son of a bitch. Fucking arthritis, I'm 23 years old. :( The laziness extends to my internet usage. I can use Jazzie as an excuse all I want, but I have plenty of opportunities to get online and update- I just don't do it. There is no excuse. I am just lazy as can be.

Okay, let's start with the weekend- not last weekend, but the weekend before that. Greggie's father was turning eighty and invited the whole family over, so Greg drove me and Jaz up to central Florida to see his parents. His mom had never seen the baby and all her grandkids (except one) are adults, so she was very excited to see Jazzie. Greg's sister was also quite fond of my girl, and she brought her 11-year-old son who is Jasmyne's youngest cousin. He has always been "the baby" of the entire family (my brother Lucas was "the baby" of my family) and was happy that FINALLY there was someone younger than him. :)

We stayed there for Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and the beginning of Monday. It was SO FUCKING COLD!!!!!!!!!! I guess it was all right, because it was more norther than where I live, but it was still cold as shit. Greg's parents had a fireplace which they lit one fridgid morning during our visit, since I had never in my life seen a lit fire inside. Obviously, neither had Jasmyne. She behaved very well, although I think she got homesick near the end of the visit- I helped it by bringing her into Greggie's [famous] camper, which she is used to spending a lot of time in. She just needed some familiar surroundings was all, I guess.

That weekend was the first weekend of the South Florida Fair, when my parents went. Since they went the first day (Friday Jan 16) of the fair, they got a free ticket apiece which went to me and Greggie. Hooray!! A quick note about the South Florida Fair before I continue my story. I've gone to the fair every single year, even before I lived in Florida- it moves, so it's the same fair all over the southeast. Last year was the very first time I missed the fair, which is only in town for 2 or 3 weeks per year and *always* in January. When I started seeing ads for the fair, I got extremely sad because at that point I still thought I was going to end up on house arrest for 4 months, therefore missing the entire thing. A few days after court (when I learned that I got time served instead of house arrest), I was riding down Southern Blvd and saw the big ferris wheel and nauseating spinny rides, I was once again filled with sadness until I realized, "waaaait a minute... I *can* go to the fair!!!! Hooray!! I was so very very excited, because this year I wasn't just going to the fair- I was going to the fair with a 4-month-old baby!! Once again I say, hooray!!

So last Friday, Greg and I took Jazzie to the South Florida Fair. I figured one of two things would happen: either she would stare at the lights, the animals, the people, the rides, and the games and love every second (this is what I was expecting); or she would get overwhelmed in a matter of minutes and cry the whole time. Well, she didn't cry for a single second. We went in the late afternoon, so she could see the animals AND the lights at night. I don't think I've ever seen that baby so impressed- she didn't even blink! She would start to cry about something (wet diaper, hunger, etc) and then she'd be like, "ooh, lights! ooh, look at that!" and her eyes would get really big and wide and she'd forget what she was sad about. I went on one nauseating spinny ride (by myself of course) and also took Jazzie on the merry-go-round, which she loved. All in all, it was a great fucking experience, although just buying a couple snacks and a SIX DOLLAR LEMONADE damnear broke me, heh.
All good things must come to an end, so we left the fair before Jazzie could start to cry. Greg started to drive out of the fair parking lot and asked me which way he should go, so I pointed in the right direction which involved a u-turn. He turned the way I had pointed, and a cop stepped out in front of the camper, gesturing for Greg to stop. He rolled down the window and there was this exchange:
cop: Where do you think you're going?
Greg: I'm trying to get to Southern [Blvd], am I going the right way?
cop: What are you doing going to the Culture Center?
Greg: I don't want the Culture Center, I'm trying to get out of here and get to Southern so we can go home, do you know which way it is?
cop: So why would you just drive right around the cones that are set up?
Greg: I didn't see any cones, I thought this was the way to Southern.
cop: Do you see those cones? The cones over there? Well, the cones are there and it's pretty obvious which way you SHOULD be going- you should be following the cones instead of driving through the cones. The cones are pretty self explanatory.
me: [laughing because of how many times he said 'cones'] It was an accident, I told him to go this way, can we please just get through? We have a baby in the car who needs to get home.
cop: Next time, you gotta pay attention to the cones, all right? [grumpily lets us pass]
Oh my god, did we laugh on the way home. The cones! "Its pretty obvious because of THE CONES hahahahaha" we said, over and over again. Greg lamented his failing 'cone school' and how it wasn't very obvious to him, while I decided that the cop must have been a 'conehead'. Jaz, still wide-eyed and interested in everything, laughed with us- although she probably didn't know why she was laughing. Cones- hah! Fucking hilarious. :) :)
In other news, it's been FREEZING down here in sunny SoFla! It got BELOW FORTY degrees a couple nights, can you believe it! I don't even know what forty is, as a temperature. Next person who talks about global warming gets kicked square in the nuts. I mean if man-made global warming is real, we sure are doing a shitty job if it gets to be under 40F here in the southernmost part of the country.
In case anyone wanted to know (or even if you didn't want to know, since it's MY blog) I started an adult-ed writing course on Monday nights and later this week I'll be volunteering at a pro-life pregnancy center. I need to do something besides feed the baby and sleep next to her before I go more insane than I already am.
Pictures! The first one is me (duh) and Jasmyne being held by her 11-year-old cousin; the second one is Jaz and him playing together on the floor; the third is Jaz sleeping in a drawer while I sleep next to her on the bed in Greg's folks' house; the fourth is mine and Jaz's very first indoor fire- it gives the room a nice lil glow, doesn't it? I DO have pictures from the fair in addition to the pictures I already posted, but I can't seem to find them at the moment. But don't worry, they will be displayed on my next post- be patient, all righty?
THE CONES!!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

The baby is so sweet. My daughters (5 & 6 y.o.) think so too. They asked me who you guys were b/c I had the pictures up. I said "my friend's daughter." I've read you long enough that I guess you *are* a friend.

lake worth girl said...

why in godsname would you take a 3 month olf baby to a fair? That is so fucking stupid what a terible mom you are! I Feel bad for your girl.

Anonymous said...

I feel bad for lake worth girl because she is an idiot! Michelle seems like a terrific mom!!

Jake said...

"Michelle seems like a terrific mom!!"

Because if it's on the internet, it must be true.

JAMIE said...


Anonymous said...

hi michelle

you are doing so well and thats great! your baby is adorable and all the progress you've made is admirable - you sound so much calmer in your posts (i've been reading you for quite a while...)

anyway i just had one comment for you regarding global warming and how its possible that it's making florida warmer. global warming is warming up the giant ice glaciers that are in the north and south poles... as they warm up giant chunks melt off and and actually create a COLD front that comes down to the rest of the earth... so as counterintuitive as it may seem, global warming will actually end up making much of the planet (like the part you live in) COLDER.

i know you have your very conservative views of politics and the environment, but i hope you will at least read this and consider it...

a longtime reader

ithacarolina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

sorry in my last comment i made a mistake: in the first sentence of the second paragraph i meant to say, "anyway i just had one comment for you regarding global warming and how its possible that it's making florida COLDER"

sorry about that... hope this makes sense to you.. i'd be glad to discuss

-longtime reader

Anonymous said...

taking a baby that age to the fair is GOOD for the baby. It is allowing her to process sensory input. These are very important things for a baby. ALso, the merry go round is very good for a baby's vestibular system, also very good for the baby's development. your an idiot lake worth girl.

Anonymous said...

speaking as someone with a compromised vestibular system, I cannot stress just how important it is to ones wellbeing. -lefty

Anonymous said...

I took my now 6 y.o to a huge country fair when she was about 4 months old & guess what? She loved it too. If she hadn't she would have let me know. You know. Crying, screaming etc. My son was sensitive to loud noises & he wouldn't have enjoyed an outing like that when he was young. It just all depends on the child.

You just kind of hope that the kid is like you or else you have to be really really mature & change your plans for them. I am reasonably mature & I found this difficult. I did it but I struggled internally. No one is perfect.

Greg said...

Hey Gorgeous
I am truely impressed with the level of intelligence needed to make these comments. I have to admit that previous comments made on Michelle's Blog were literally not worth viewing or reading.

Truth be told, Michelle is highly intelligent. Conversation and discussion on matters of important subjects and what other people think about the issue at hand is what inspires Michelle to keep on bloggen.

Love you and give Jasmyne a hug and kiss for me!

Jake said...

Wow. Even when you're dumb as a box of rocks, you still don't see it.

"cop: Do you see those cones? The cones over there? Well, the cones are there and it's pretty obvious which way you SHOULD be going- you should be following the cones instead of driving through the cones. The cones are pretty self explanatory."

You do realize the cop was calling you a dumbass, right? As in, he KNEW some retard wouldn't know what the hell to do, so he made it simple by putting down cones. And sure enough, dipshit and dipshit 2 come along and can't figure out something as easy as cones.

You're the reasons street signs have pictures on them.

CindyB1 said...

Damn Jake, you are one angry MF!

Anonymous said...

Hey Jake, are you a cop or a security guard? Which ever, just do us all a favor and keep the safty on will ya.

Anonymous said...

Greg is still a mushroom and Jake still makes me laugh.

Where ya been Jake? I've missed your words of wisdom!

shelley said...

I also miss Jake quite a bit, since he is one of the more intelligent of the shit-talkers that visit me here. I would say he tells it like it is, but that just isn't true- he tells it like he THINKS it is. Problem is, what he thinks is way off base.

And Jake- he wasn't calling me a dumbass, he was calling Greg a dumbass since i don't drive. Hah!


PS- my computer is broken, so I will be back online next week (I am typing from Greg's house currently)

Jake said...

"Greg started to drive out of the fair parking lot and asked me which way he should go, so I pointed in the right direction which involved a u-turn. He turned the way I had pointed,"

Yes, Greg is a dumbass for listening to you. But you started the dumbassedness by pointing the wrong direction out in the first place. I can't blame Greg for not being smart, I mean, bless his little heart, he knocked you up, he can't be too bright. But you on the other hand... I blame you for taking advantage of a guy who's not all there.

I understand cones can be annoying. So can Stop Signs, Yield Signs, and any sign that tells you to use birth control.

But I guess that horse is already out of the barn, eh?

And Anon... it's safEty. With an "E". I swear that's what's wrong with this country. Your public school is probably too poor to afford "e's" anymore.

Jake said...

"Where ya been Jake? I've missed your words of wisdom!"

I've been out and about, saving the internet from stupidity one blog post at a time. And wouldn't you know it? Every time Shelly posts my little red phone goes off....

(Yes, I know I left the "e" out of Shelly's name. I'm trying to use words the other dumbasses here will understand, and obviously the concept of "e confuses some)

Greg said...

In my own defense, I understood the cone language, but choose not to blindly follow. The direction I selected, was familiar to me because it was how I arrived at the carny seen. When I made this decision, I did not know that the police had set up the cones, nor that an officer was in the shadows.

Look up in space, it's super Jake, whom has come to save all of us internet travelers from our own stupidity. Super Jake, Please Save Us, Your My Hero.

Michelle said...

Why should I do what a bunch of stupid orange cone-shaped pieces of plastic tell me to do? I don't do what the police tell me to do, much less their stupid cones. Plus, the cones were leading us in the wrong direction- towards the Palm Beach County Stockade in fact- and I have no intention of ever heading in THAT particular direction ever again. Three months in that sumbitch, plus a few visits while my ex-boyfriend Micheal was incarcerated within, was enough for me!

And to Jake- actually, let's stick to his "no-e" rule- to Jak (haha Jak), you light up the comments section with your wit and complete intolerance for anyone who disagrees with you. What exactly are you trying to accomplish by putting me down at every opportunity? I suppose I deserved your hate and vitrol while I was hooking for crack money and sticking ballpoint-pen-dull needles into the soles of my feet (although I cared even less than I do now what you think of me, if that is even possible), but now that I am doing well it is even more pointless and silly. If you were me, what would you do? Please, enlighten me (or should I say, "inlightan"). And I know your knee-jerk reaction is some sarcastic rant about suicide and infanticide, so you can save that one for your own family. Tell me the truth- what would you do in my shoes? Probably not much different than I am doing. I am very very glad that I got pregnant and had this baby, she has changed my life for the better and made me happier than I ever thought possible. Let's see what you would do if, for one day, you were SHELLEY.


Jake said...

Wow. Opportunities like this come around so rarely.

What would *I* do if I were you?

Believe it or not, suicide and tossing the baby off a cliff are not at the top of my list. How about getting a job? How about maybe going to school? How about doing something that makes the world a better place? Instead of being proud about how you and Greg protested the stupid cones (you sure showed THEM), maybe you could actually get an education and make a positive change in the world? “Yo Jaz, when you were little, your daddy and I totally protested the cones at the fair. We’re badass. Want me to come to your school and give a speech on how protesting stuff can change the world?”

If I were Shelley, my blog posts would not be consisting of going to a fair, and bitching about a $6 drink. MY blog posts would consist of how much life fucking sucks because I'm taking care of a baby, taking college classes, AND working a job. And I'm frazzled, but I know that 5 years from now I'll have a good foundation, and be setting a hell of an example for my kid.

Yes, you were a junky whore. And now supposedly you're not. That's awesome. But how long is that going to be your excuse? Life sucks. Get a helmet.

You asked me a question, and I gave you a straight answer. Now I will ask you one... what exactly are you planning on doing now? Don't give me any crap about "oh, I just had a baby, relax, give me some time". Life doesn't stop just because you had spawn. You had a kid. Your decision. Lots of women do it, you’re not special.

Please tell me Shelley: How are you going to help yourself? Not how your parents are going to help you, or how Greg is going to help you (obviously not with spell check), or how the state is going to help you. Tell me what Shelley is going to do for Shelley.

Greg said...

Wow !! Nice going Jake, See, I told you that you are my hero. I am in total agreement with all of what you said. Michelle, please answer his question, "What is Shelley going to do for Shelley???"

Nigger Charley said...

That's some light skinned niggers you're shacked up with. Make it was the nigger hiding in Greg's white family woodpile instead of a white man man hiding in his nigger family woodpile.

Anonymous said...

cute baby!!

Anonymous said...

1. Hey nigger charlie, who are you calling a woodpile? I am thinking you failed the paper bag test.

2. Shelly I am waiting for you to answer Jake - trust that will be your next post!

3. Jake - where is your blog, I might want to donate to you and your baby too.

Anonymous said...

Has anyone else noticed how those advertisements that run above the blog used all to be for rehab centers and such and now they are usually mainstream stuff that a junkie would not be interested in. I suppose even Madison Avenue is seeing the change in our girl. Keep changing Shelleeeeeeeee.

Anonymous said...

Hey Greg you slacker - its time to update the flippin blog again!

Anonymous said...

Hey greg call me the next time u update so i don't have to keep checking back-lefty

Anonymous said...

Yeah mushroom, me too. - righty

Anonymous said...

are you insane or what, I can't hear the music! -middle finger

Bruce said...

The cones are law...obey the law givers....Moses brought the 10 cones down from Sinai and cast them before the idol worshiper, and low, the cones doth spit them.

Anonymous said...

"it was more norther than where I live, but it was still cold as shit. Greg's parents had a fireplace which they lit one fridgid morning"

Good thing you are starting an adult-ed writing course. Maybe you should start back at about 1st grade grammar. English is your 1st language too? Wow.

And you have gotten fat. LOL