Monday, January 5, 2009

colorful, pessimistic, inaccurate predictions


I am gonna begin twice-weekly (or possibly more often?) blog updates, if Jasmyne lets me of course. She isn't a big fan of me being online. But today, instead of me babbling on about what the baby did today [Oh my god, she BLINKED!!! That's soooooo cute!!!!!!] I'm gonna go over my favorite predictions from last year's comments. You know, all those Nostradamus wannabes posting what was gonna happen to me, for sure this time? I find it very entertaining, and what I find entertaining is of course what I post. So, with no further bullshit, I give you...


--MICHELLE'S FAVORITE ANONYMOUS PREDICTIONS '08--

February

"First, the attention whore is not pregnant. Second, she will never get off drugs. She has no desire to."

"I've never once said anything bad about michelle... but it's so obvious that this new "pregnancy" story is a fake… who can blame her though? If people will continue to believe her fabrications and still show sympathy for her invisible children, why should she stop?"

March

"I'm going to go ahead and make a prediction here. I predict that in a few days/weeks Michelle will make a post about how she is no longer pregnant, and that she miscarried because of this "accident", and how we should all feel sorry for her...."

"If she really is pregnant, that kid is going straight to social care."

"It seems to me she just dont care about anyone but herself otherwise she would do the responsible thing and be seeking prenatal care and help for her addiction."

"If you have this baby, face it- this man Greg ain't going to take any responsibility."

May

"And you are an idiot if you believe she is not still doing heroin."

"Of course, the chances that you are actually pregnant are pretty slim. So if you really are pregnant why don't you post a pic."

June

"There's no way in hell you're going to not go back to being a junkie whore as soon as it's born. The kid will be left with your parents before it's a week old. I guarantee it."

July

"The only name you should give your (maybe) kid is "Temporary"."

September

"6 months from now you will either be on mmt or back to being a full time junkie. don't kid yourself."

November

"I heard Michelle is back on Dixie Highway..."

"[Jasmyne] IS going through withdrawal… be prepared for your kid to hate you.Once an addict, always an addict; way to set your daughter up for failure."

December

"Your "success" has not driven me away. I'm still waiting patiently for the inevitable train wreck to happen. It's not a matter of if... it's a matter of when. You can spew all you want about how well you're doing, and you're clean, and woo woo woo. But just because you write something in your blog doesn't make it true. And I never really expected you to admit here when the inevitable fuck up happens."
"I give you 3 months before you're back whoring on the street full time. And custody of the kid will be long gone."

"It's all good as your kid will have a better chance once you lose custody-- which you will."

You know the best part of these predictions? None of them came true. Zero. Not a single fucking one. I wasn't pregnant? I was gonna miscarry? I couldn't quit drugs while pregnant? The baby would be taken away immediately? I'd ditch her in her first week? I'd start getting high again soon as she was born? DCF was gonna take her away? Hah! Success is it's own excuse, and this list is proof-positive that you shit-talkers don't know a fucking thing about me. You read, but you don't comprehend.

I look forward to more colorful, pessimistic, inaccurate predictions in '09! Keep 'em coming guys, maybe you'll get one right! : )

24 comments:

Greg said...

Hey Gorgeous,
I predict that you will be a successfull person at anything you wish to do or wish to bee!!!

And that you will obtain wealth, position, and honors in your immediate future!!!

So be prepared to admit, that any success that comes your way was predicted by me, and I above everyone else will be able to say," I told you so"!!!!!!!

Love You and Jasmyne

Jake said...

WOOHOO for you!!

Yep, didn't do any drugs while pregnant, cause methadone is the same as candy, right? And the weed you smoked? That's not a drug either, that's just a "herb"?

"You read, but you don't comprehend."

Hey dipshit... we read what you write, we comprehend what you write, but we believe very little of what you write. Every one of those predictions should have a "yet" after them. Give it time, give it time. I have faith in you.

So tell me, since you're doing so good.... how are you supporting that kid?

DaftDragon said...

Wow. I never realized what a bunch of dedicated haters you have. If your success causes them this much fury, I can only imagine how sad their little lives must be. This made me laugh out loud, I love your blog.

Anonymous said...

YOU GOT REALLY FAT!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

July's prediction was my favorite. I heard the 'buh dum bom, CHING' in my head after I read it.

Jake's back and making me laugh, as usual.

One of my goals this year is to stop being so pessimistic so I'll leave you be. :)

Don't worry kiddo, the haters really love you or they wouldn't waste their energy. I have to give you props for taking it in such stride. That speaks a lot for your character.

I wish you well. You look healthy and so does your baby. She still looks a little tiny but pretty, none the less.

Take care and happy new year! You are starting off pretty good so far.

Anonymous said...

"success is it's own excuse' Perfect you summed it all up right there. Congrats on proving 'em wrong.
This is Barbiegal from opio.

Anonymous said...

Baby, I've been praying for you for years and placed you in God's merciful hands. When you couldn't even love yourself, God gave you a healthy baby to love you, and for you to love back. Also, Jesus said He will never let go of someone, like you, who belongs to Him; and He won't.
I've been one of the first to tell you when you're messing up. From my close observation, you are an attentive and devoted Mama. Keep doing the next right thing, kiddo.
And by the way, I'm still praying for you, Jasmyne, my whole family, every day.
loveya, Mama

Anonymous said...

Okay, I hate when 'Mama' writes because it's very few and far between and it brings a tear to my eye. I'm not even trying to be an asshole here, I'm trying to be sincere.

I believe her words far more than the fungus trying so intently to continue to grow on your leg (the name rhymes with leg).

Keep up the good work, sister from another mister. :) And chop that fungus off before it takes permanent residency. :) Couldn't help but throw that in there. Sorry leg.

Anonymous said...

I believe in God,
But God helps those who help them selves !

Prayer is not the cure all remedy for what ever ails you, although it is definitely helpful and beneficial ....

A baby does not stop crying because you pray to God for it to happen. Finding out what is bothering the child, resolving the discomfort, in a positive manner, is upto the caregiver, not God**!!

Michelle I feel that the inner you and of course your parents guidance have made you the loving and caring person you are today !!!

Outstanding recovery and you have born yourself a healthy beautiful baby. Be proud of yourself, for you deserve it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

taxitalk said...

I think I put in a couple of good words about having kids, Gota love that picture of the canadian hood to. Michelle have a great year, you look like a great mom, wow what a great looking baby you made
rock on

Anonymous said...

Have you gained alot of weight?

Sydney said...

I predict that in one year's time, Greg will still have never posted a single comment on this blog with proper spelling, punctuation and sentence structure.

Anonymous said...

If you have any spare time I would like you to meet my friend Jenny Craig. Still loven ya -Lefty

CindyB1 said...

Get off her ass about her weight. She JUST had a baby, duh. It takes a while to get back the old body. Babys take all your time and effort, and right now that is all Shell is concerned with. The baby weight will come off naturally! They both look happy and healthy, that is ALL that matters!

L said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Michelle has never deleted a comment, Although I think she should have, By the way, it's a comment, not post, clown

Anonymous said...

I wonder what the deleted comment read...?

Michelle said...

Attention mofos: I DO NOT DELETE COMMENTS. Comments can only be pulled by the author of the comment, not by the blogmaster. I could moderate comments if I wanted to, which means nothing would get posted until I had read and approved it. But that's gay- I am all for freedom of speech, remember? Philosophy of Liberty and all that? That's why I don't mind the haters, they have the freedom to voice their opinions just as much as I do, even if their opinion is that they hate me or wish I would start getting high again so they can point and laugh and say I told you so. :)

So yeah, I don't delete comments.

*sHeLLeY*

Gledwood said...

and i predict all the naysayers can go to hell

;->...

Greg said...

Hey Gorgeous
I have Jasmyne's hoody, go to e-mail for more information....

blutuesday said...

Hey girl, some of us have faith in you! I've told u before and Ill tell u again, u fucking did a great job getting shit together for Jaz. Brush these haters off and keep doin what u do.

Love Tues

blutuesday said...

Also, all the ppl that say Michelle is fat..are u fucking crazy? She looks fantastic AND she just had a baby. It is sickening that someone like shell would be considered fat by you fucking people. Let me guess, yall are all five foot ten models with gorgeous faces sitting over behind ur anonymous comments? Yeah probably not. Fuckwads.

miss heroin said...

I have'nt been bloging on hear long enough to come in contact with haters like that. I cannot beleive people would say those things to you. Way to show there support of someone trying to change her life around. I to was a hooker and made the money to support me and my husbands habbits and have things unimaginable have happend to me and I'm sure to you also. So that just goes to show all those haters that we can overcome a horrible past and live to talk about it. I find that one of the only things strong enough in this world to keep me clean is my son. Well I don't know you that well yet but just remember that we can do whatever we want not what and whant because we write the story to our lives not other people--Miss Heroin a.k.a. Melissa

Athena said...

Wow...

Keep proving them wrong...

Beautiful little ones there!