so that my girl can steal lunches safely

Lucas dressed as some Watchmen character for a nerd convention

(no offense little brother)

big smiles with grandma

two seconds after the previous pic

see the cloth diapers?

doesn't like the flash

we gave her a Mad magazine...

...and just look at how much fun she had!

we get tons of catalogs that she can rip up too

lucas and dad got her this shirt in NYC- plus matching socks

Well, my girl got sick. Poor baby Jasmyne. I took her to her pediatrician a couple times, and he sent me to a pediatric gastroenterologist. He wanted a sample of her shit, which was of course tons of fun to get into the little tubes: I put saran wrap on her butt before pinning the diaper shut (yes, I old-school flat cloth diapers with diaper pins) and when she shat, I pulled off the saran wrap and squeezed the shit out into the tubes. Fun, right? Hell, I've done worse. Apparently she's shitting blood and mucus, and after some shit-testing figured out why: Jasmyne has food allergies. It makes sense, since allergies run in the family. I got strange allergies- I can't have ibuprofen, mushrooms, maple syrup, or oysters (although other shellfish treat me right).

What I didn't know about food allergies is that you can't test for them in a baby under 11 months. So the specialist gave me a list of foods that she should avoid until they can do an allergy panel and said that if she's still got the same symptoms in 2 weeks then he will try something else, but he seems pretty confident that it's allergies. Here's the fun part: Jasmyne doesn't eat solids or drink formula, she is *exclusively* breastfed. Therefore, she is reacting to something that I am eating, and this list of no-no food applies to me. Shitburgers. It's called the "breastfeeding elimination diet". Here is the list of food I cannot eat to protect the bubby:

• soy (check food labels, EVERYTHING has soy in it)
• dairy (my favorite foods on this earth are cheese/butter/milk-based)
• eggs (no baked goods or sweets)
• nuts (this wouldn't be so bad, 'cept I really love peanut butter)
• seafood (no more sushi or crab legs)
• whey (that's in some "non dairy" or "dairy-replacement" products)
• lecithin (an additive; always follows the word "soy" so it's redundant
• casein (part of cheese, also redundant)

So not only did I give up my drugs, my job, my money, my independence, my adventures, and (I'll admit it) my good writing ability for this kid, but it's not enough. Now I can't eat any good food either. It is very, very, VERY obnoxious and I have been walking around the house pissing and moaning about how I can't have anything delicious. Also, Jaz can't start solids until about 8 months because of the food allergies. Even the organic brown-rice first-food infant cereal has fucking soy fucking lecithin! What kind of shit is that, organic infant food containing a common allergen? Lame! I'm gonna be one of those bitch moms who wants the entire school to ban peanut products so that my girl can steal lunches safely. Wait... I forgot, I like freedom! I believe that taking care of problems like this is the parent's responsibility, not the schools' and surely NOT other parent's problem. My e-friend's first grade niece got yelled at, humiliated in front of her classmates, and suspended for 3 days for the cardinal offense of... eating peanut butter crackers at lunchtime. That's fucking retar... I mean, mentally disabled. : )

So anyways, I stopped eating anything that tastes good and Jazzy is already getting better (the doc told me 2 weeks for a full improvement) and then some other shit happened to her. I was at [non-specific playplace in which I feel very safe with her and will not jeopardize that by giving out the location to you shitwhores] and she was laying on her belly in the infants section, pushing herself up and down and grinning like a maniac. She is such a happy baby. Then I see this little boy, couldn't be more than 2 years old, running full speed ahead to our left. At the last second, he turned and jumped right where Jasmyne was playing.

I was standing right next to her to keep her from rolling onto the floor, but this kid was so damn FAST that I didn't see what was about to happen until it happened. He kicked her right in the side and she tumbled off the [non-specific shape of playplace climbing item] right on her face. She screamed like... well, like someone had kicked her onto the floor from about two-and-a-half feet up. I scooped her up and the little boy's mama ran over and pulled him aside to yell at him or whatever. I calmed my girly down in about 2 minutes- she was angry and more than a little scared, but she wasn't actually hurt (yes, I got her checked out just to be safe). The other mom made the little boy apologize to both me and Jasmyne, and then she apologized too and asked if my girly was ok. I know that little kids exist that will hurt a baby on purpose, but one look at his face (especially his sad brown eyes) told me that he wasn't one of them. He was torn up over the fact that he hurt the baby, plus he was only two years old. What a little sweetheart.

The next day, I found out once and for all that poor Jazzy just canNOT catch a fucking break. She has a fungal infection all over her diaper area, which apparently is from all the watery bloody mucous-y shitting she's been doing before the doc gave me the no-no list, and needs a prescription diaper cream to get rid of it. My poor little baby girl. She is so happy though, even through all this nonsense, she barely ever cries and has such a gorgeous full-face smile.

There is my update- y'all fuckers happy now? I am down to 15mg of methadone per day, which is awesome since I went up to 100mg/day at my highest point. See y'all bitches later.

the toxicity of her diseased sloppy bat-wings

Okay, I have something to say to Jake. He reads my blog and makes comments on my ignorance, so now I shall talk about some of the stupid things I read on Call Me Jake's "Because You Know I'm Right". And there are some stupid fucking things there! Maybe we have more in common than he'll ever admit to himself...

First off, props:
"Why can’t I hate gays? Plenty of people hate me in this world, so what’s wrong with me hating people back?"
Prejudice isn't the worst thing in the world, and what kind of country do we live in where you can only hate a man if he's straight and white? People make too much of a big deal about racism and "homophobia." But then he finished his hateful rant with one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time:
“What, faggots can take a dick up their ass but they can’t take a joke?”
Okay, shit- that's hilarious. They want equal rights, then take equal ribbing and hatred. Even shitty self righteous sons of bitches can be right (and funny) every once in a while.

Now, on to the stupidity:
"Below are some of the dumber arguments people have tried and the reason WHY they’re stupid statements... “A dollar bill says In God We Trust. If you don’t believe in god how can you believe in money”? RNJ LOVE this argument because it shows that they have actually seen a dollar bill before and that they can read. Just because I use American currency does not mean I have to believe in a god. I use currency because I have no choice. Its how this country works. The same as I have no power over who prints what on it. But as far as religion I DO have a choice."
I understand that most of the people that Jake hangs with are his special-ed classmates and inbred family members (mama-gramma and uncle-grampa, among others), so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's actually heard people say that you have to believe in God to spend money. But to repeat it... how mean can you be to these people who have always given you a shoulder to drool on? Why don't you just explain to these people that... wait, your cousin-wife just started banging her head on the wall again and your daughter-sister is screaming... fuck it honey, just take away their money so they can't use it to preach the word any longer!

This is my favorite:
"There is a phrase I’ve been hearing a lot of lately and it’s finally come to the point where I want to puke. When either a woman, or a man, says “We’re trying to get pregnant” ... I got a newsflash for people. You’re not “trying to get pregnant”. You’re having sex and “hoping to get pregnant”. Trying to get pregnant would involve a big ass needle and a doctor. Hoping to get pregnant involves a whole lot of humping."
A woman doesn't get pregnant with a needle Jake honey, she gets pregnant with a penis. Most of us learned that in 5th grade sex education. It's the way it's been since humanity was created. Trying to get pregnant involves sex. Hoping to get pregnant involves crossing your fingers and praying to Allah. But once again, I understand. I think I understand why he believes that sex isn't the way to get pregnant. See, to understand Jake, you must know a little something about Jake's origins.
His mother used to be a $5 whore, but no one would go near that kitty of hers without double-bagging their dicks. Usually when the sex was over, most of the first condom was sizzling, having been eaten away by the toxicity of her diseased sloppy bat-wings- making the second condom not just useful, but necessary if you wanted to keep your dick. Sometimes they even triple-bagged, although the third bag went over her head (a necessary measure if you wanted to keep your lunch down).
Anyways, she couldn't get pregnant because no one could possibly be drunk or horny enough to hit that toxic poon raw (until Jake did, but that's not until much later), but she really wanted a kid so that she had a less-suspicious coke mule for her black pimp. So she went to the doctor, who removed her last crusty egg and placed it in a test tube for her, which she fertilized with a couple spoofuls of cum from her bedside spit-bucket, and then put the whole mess into a turkey baster and slammed it home.
Six and a half months later, Jake was born premature. HIV positive, and with severe brain damage. As he grew, she proudly told him how he came to be instead of the normal discussion about 'the birds and the bees'. So you can't really blame him for that kind of stupidity- although it's pretty funny, no?

Last but not least:
"Everything on this page is copyrighted, but I know it won't stop people from stealing it and claiming it as their own."
Riiiiiiiiight. Keep telling yourself this, Jakey-poo. I wouldn't claim this tripe as my own if I wrote it on my own and it took me years to figure out. Just in case anyone mistakes this shit as mine, I will add my own disclaimer:
Everything in italics on this blog post was NOT written by Shelley, it was only made fun of by Shelley. And for people like Jake, this is what italics look like.

Next post (maybe later today, maybe next week) I will discuss my baby girl and the disgusting things I am willing to do for her. Peace out, bitches. And by the way, the first person to find something I posted on Opiophile in the last year (or any other site I post on) discussing CURRENT (that means now) illicit drug use, you get the prize. And no, marijuana is NOT a drug so don't bother playing that game with me.

Got your money, gonna spend your money....

I don't care what anyone says, I think this monkey cartoon is fucking hilarious!

fair pictures

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Every time something happens, - comes out smelling like roses and I get - goddamn stank on me. I'm sick of being blamed for everything that goes on, yes I know it used to be the other way but I'm trying to get my life straight and raise my baby. How dare I drag - name through the mud? I never confirmed or denied, and yet I was straight up called a liar. - should be happy that I kept my mouth shut and maybe even owes me. Bitching will never end, no more trust, all because I tried to protect - like I've always done. And I still haven't said a fucking word to anyone. - better be thankful, they were talking about me and the baby leaving the house.

Don't get it? I don't care.

heh...

"the cones are pretty self explanatory"

I am the laziest bitch ever. I've been walking a lot lately, and now my knees hurt so fucking bad I can't even stand up from the couch or my bed without my knees hurting like a son of a bitch. Fucking arthritis, I'm 23 years old. :( The laziness extends to my internet usage. I can use Jazzie as an excuse all I want, but I have plenty of opportunities to get online and update- I just don't do it. There is no excuse. I am just lazy as can be.

Okay, let's start with the weekend- not last weekend, but the weekend before that. Greggie's father was turning eighty and invited the whole family over, so Greg drove me and Jaz up to central Florida to see his parents. His mom had never seen the baby and all her grandkids (except one) are adults, so she was very excited to see Jazzie. Greg's sister was also quite fond of my girl, and she brought her 11-year-old son who is Jasmyne's youngest cousin. He has always been "the baby" of the entire family (my brother Lucas was "the baby" of my family) and was happy that FINALLY there was someone younger than him. :)

We stayed there for Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and the beginning of Monday. It was SO FUCKING COLD!!!!!!!!!! I guess it was all right, because it was more norther than where I live, but it was still cold as shit. Greg's parents had a fireplace which they lit one fridgid morning during our visit, since I had never in my life seen a lit fire inside. Obviously, neither had Jasmyne. She behaved very well, although I think she got homesick near the end of the visit- I helped it by bringing her into Greggie's [famous] camper, which she is used to spending a lot of time in. She just needed some familiar surroundings was all, I guess.

That weekend was the first weekend of the South Florida Fair, when my parents went. Since they went the first day (Friday Jan 16) of the fair, they got a free ticket apiece which went to me and Greggie. Hooray!! A quick note about the South Florida Fair before I continue my story. I've gone to the fair every single year, even before I lived in Florida- it moves, so it's the same fair all over the southeast. Last year was the very first time I missed the fair, which is only in town for 2 or 3 weeks per year and *always* in January. When I started seeing ads for the fair, I got extremely sad because at that point I still thought I was going to end up on house arrest for 4 months, therefore missing the entire thing. A few days after court (when I learned that I got time served instead of house arrest), I was riding down Southern Blvd and saw the big ferris wheel and nauseating spinny rides, I was once again filled with sadness until I realized, "waaaait a minute... I *can* go to the fair!!!! Hooray!! I was so very very excited, because this year I wasn't just going to the fair- I was going to the fair with a 4-month-old baby!! Once again I say, hooray!!

So last Friday, Greg and I took Jazzie to the South Florida Fair. I figured one of two things would happen: either she would stare at the lights, the animals, the people, the rides, and the games and love every second (this is what I was expecting); or she would get overwhelmed in a matter of minutes and cry the whole time. Well, she didn't cry for a single second. We went in the late afternoon, so she could see the animals AND the lights at night. I don't think I've ever seen that baby so impressed- she didn't even blink! She would start to cry about something (wet diaper, hunger, etc) and then she'd be like, "ooh, lights! ooh, look at that!" and her eyes would get really big and wide and she'd forget what she was sad about. I went on one nauseating spinny ride (by myself of course) and also took Jazzie on the merry-go-round, which she loved. All in all, it was a great fucking experience, although just buying a couple snacks and a SIX DOLLAR LEMONADE damnear broke me, heh.

All good things must come to an end, so we left the fair before Jazzie could start to cry. Greg started to drive out of the fair parking lot and asked me which way he should go, so I pointed in the right direction which involved a u-turn. He turned the way I had pointed, and a cop stepped out in front of the camper, gesturing for Greg to stop. He rolled down the window and there was this exchange:

cop: Where do you think you're going?

Greg: I'm trying to get to Southern [Blvd], am I going the right way?

cop: What are you doing going to the Culture Center?

Greg: I don't want the Culture Center, I'm trying to get out of here and get to Southern so we can go home, do you know which way it is?

cop: So why would you just drive right around the cones that are set up?

Greg: I didn't see any cones, I thought this was the way to Southern.

cop: Do you see those cones? The cones over there? Well, the cones are there and it's pretty obvious which way you SHOULD be going- you should be following the cones instead of driving through the cones. The cones are pretty self explanatory.

me: [laughing because of how many times he said 'cones'] It was an accident, I told him to go this way, can we please just get through? We have a baby in the car who needs to get home.

cop: Next time, you gotta pay attention to the cones, all right? [grumpily lets us pass]

Oh my god, did we laugh on the way home. The cones! "Its pretty obvious because of THE CONES hahahahaha" we said, over and over again. Greg lamented his failing 'cone school' and how it wasn't very obvious to him, while I decided that the cop must have been a 'conehead'. Jaz, still wide-eyed and interested in everything, laughed with us- although she probably didn't know why she was laughing. Cones- hah! Fucking hilarious. :) :)

In other news, it's been FREEZING down here in sunny SoFla! It got BELOW FORTY degrees a couple nights, can you believe it! I don't even know what forty is, as a temperature. Next person who talks about global warming gets kicked square in the nuts. I mean if man-made global warming is real, we sure are doing a shitty job if it gets to be under 40F here in the southernmost part of the country.

In case anyone wanted to know (or even if you didn't want to know, since it's MY blog) I started an adult-ed writing course on Monday nights and later this week I'll be volunteering at a pro-life pregnancy center. I need to do something besides feed the baby and sleep next to her before I go more insane than I already am.

Pictures! The first one is me (duh) and Jasmyne being held by her 11-year-old cousin; the second one is Jaz and him playing together on the floor; the third is Jaz sleeping in a drawer while I sleep next to her on the bed in Greg's folks' house; the fourth is mine and Jaz's very first indoor fire- it gives the room a nice lil glow, doesn't it? I DO have pictures from the fair in addition to the pictures I already posted, but I can't seem to find them at the moment. But don't worry, they will be displayed on my next post- be patient, all righty?

THE CONES!!!!!!!