the toxicity of her diseased sloppy bat-wings

Okay, I have something to say to Jake. He reads my blog and makes comments on my ignorance, so now I shall talk about some of the stupid things I read on Call Me Jake's "Because You Know I'm Right". And there are some stupid fucking things there! Maybe we have more in common than he'll ever admit to himself...

First off, props:
"Why can’t I hate gays? Plenty of people hate me in this world, so what’s wrong with me hating people back?"
Prejudice isn't the worst thing in the world, and what kind of country do we live in where you can only hate a man if he's straight and white? People make too much of a big deal about racism and "homophobia." But then he finished his hateful rant with one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time:
“What, faggots can take a dick up their ass but they can’t take a joke?”
Okay, shit- that's hilarious. They want equal rights, then take equal ribbing and hatred. Even shitty self righteous sons of bitches can be right (and funny) every once in a while.

Now, on to the stupidity:
"Below are some of the dumber arguments people have tried and the reason WHY they’re stupid statements... “A dollar bill says In God We Trust. If you don’t believe in god how can you believe in money”? RNJ LOVE this argument because it shows that they have actually seen a dollar bill before and that they can read. Just because I use American currency does not mean I have to believe in a god. I use currency because I have no choice. Its how this country works. The same as I have no power over who prints what on it. But as far as religion I DO have a choice."
I understand that most of the people that Jake hangs with are his special-ed classmates and inbred family members (mama-gramma and uncle-grampa, among others), so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's actually heard people say that you have to believe in God to spend money. But to repeat it... how mean can you be to these people who have always given you a shoulder to drool on? Why don't you just explain to these people that... wait, your cousin-wife just started banging her head on the wall again and your daughter-sister is screaming... fuck it honey, just take away their money so they can't use it to preach the word any longer!

This is my favorite:
"There is a phrase I’ve been hearing a lot of lately and it’s finally come to the point where I want to puke. When either a woman, or a man, says “We’re trying to get pregnant” ... I got a newsflash for people. You’re not “trying to get pregnant”. You’re having sex and “hoping to get pregnant”. Trying to get pregnant would involve a big ass needle and a doctor. Hoping to get pregnant involves a whole lot of humping."
A woman doesn't get pregnant with a needle Jake honey, she gets pregnant with a penis. Most of us learned that in 5th grade sex education. It's the way it's been since humanity was created. Trying to get pregnant involves sex. Hoping to get pregnant involves crossing your fingers and praying to Allah. But once again, I understand. I think I understand why he believes that sex isn't the way to get pregnant. See, to understand Jake, you must know a little something about Jake's origins.
His mother used to be a $5 whore, but no one would go near that kitty of hers without double-bagging their dicks. Usually when the sex was over, most of the first condom was sizzling, having been eaten away by the toxicity of her diseased sloppy bat-wings- making the second condom not just useful, but necessary if you wanted to keep your dick. Sometimes they even triple-bagged, although the third bag went over her head (a necessary measure if you wanted to keep your lunch down).
Anyways, she couldn't get pregnant because no one could possibly be drunk or horny enough to hit that toxic poon raw (until Jake did, but that's not until much later), but she really wanted a kid so that she had a less-suspicious coke mule for her black pimp. So she went to the doctor, who removed her last crusty egg and placed it in a test tube for her, which she fertilized with a couple spoofuls of cum from her bedside spit-bucket, and then put the whole mess into a turkey baster and slammed it home.
Six and a half months later, Jake was born premature. HIV positive, and with severe brain damage. As he grew, she proudly told him how he came to be instead of the normal discussion about 'the birds and the bees'. So you can't really blame him for that kind of stupidity- although it's pretty funny, no?

Last but not least:
"Everything on this page is copyrighted, but I know it won't stop people from stealing it and claiming it as their own."
Riiiiiiiiight. Keep telling yourself this, Jakey-poo. I wouldn't claim this tripe as my own if I wrote it on my own and it took me years to figure out. Just in case anyone mistakes this shit as mine, I will add my own disclaimer:
Everything in italics on this blog post was NOT written by Shelley, it was only made fun of by Shelley. And for people like Jake, this is what italics look like.

Next post (maybe later today, maybe next week) I will discuss my baby girl and the disgusting things I am willing to do for her. Peace out, bitches. And by the way, the first person to find something I posted on Opiophile in the last year (or any other site I post on) discussing CURRENT (that means now) illicit drug use, you get the prize. And no, marijuana is NOT a drug so don't bother playing that game with me.