heh...

"the cones are pretty self explanatory"

I am the laziest bitch ever. I've been walking a lot lately, and now my knees hurt so fucking bad I can't even stand up from the couch or my bed without my knees hurting like a son of a bitch. Fucking arthritis, I'm 23 years old. :( The laziness extends to my internet usage. I can use Jazzie as an excuse all I want, but I have plenty of opportunities to get online and update- I just don't do it. There is no excuse. I am just lazy as can be.

Okay, let's start with the weekend- not last weekend, but the weekend before that. Greggie's father was turning eighty and invited the whole family over, so Greg drove me and Jaz up to central Florida to see his parents. His mom had never seen the baby and all her grandkids (except one) are adults, so she was very excited to see Jazzie. Greg's sister was also quite fond of my girl, and she brought her 11-year-old son who is Jasmyne's youngest cousin. He has always been "the baby" of the entire family (my brother Lucas was "the baby" of my family) and was happy that FINALLY there was someone younger than him. :)

We stayed there for Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and the beginning of Monday. It was SO FUCKING COLD!!!!!!!!!! I guess it was all right, because it was more norther than where I live, but it was still cold as shit. Greg's parents had a fireplace which they lit one fridgid morning during our visit, since I had never in my life seen a lit fire inside. Obviously, neither had Jasmyne. She behaved very well, although I think she got homesick near the end of the visit- I helped it by bringing her into Greggie's [famous] camper, which she is used to spending a lot of time in. She just needed some familiar surroundings was all, I guess.

That weekend was the first weekend of the South Florida Fair, when my parents went. Since they went the first day (Friday Jan 16) of the fair, they got a free ticket apiece which went to me and Greggie. Hooray!! A quick note about the South Florida Fair before I continue my story. I've gone to the fair every single year, even before I lived in Florida- it moves, so it's the same fair all over the southeast. Last year was the very first time I missed the fair, which is only in town for 2 or 3 weeks per year and *always* in January. When I started seeing ads for the fair, I got extremely sad because at that point I still thought I was going to end up on house arrest for 4 months, therefore missing the entire thing. A few days after court (when I learned that I got time served instead of house arrest), I was riding down Southern Blvd and saw the big ferris wheel and nauseating spinny rides, I was once again filled with sadness until I realized, "waaaait a minute... I *can* go to the fair!!!! Hooray!! I was so very very excited, because this year I wasn't just going to the fair- I was going to the fair with a 4-month-old baby!! Once again I say, hooray!!

So last Friday, Greg and I took Jazzie to the South Florida Fair. I figured one of two things would happen: either she would stare at the lights, the animals, the people, the rides, and the games and love every second (this is what I was expecting); or she would get overwhelmed in a matter of minutes and cry the whole time. Well, she didn't cry for a single second. We went in the late afternoon, so she could see the animals AND the lights at night. I don't think I've ever seen that baby so impressed- she didn't even blink! She would start to cry about something (wet diaper, hunger, etc) and then she'd be like, "ooh, lights! ooh, look at that!" and her eyes would get really big and wide and she'd forget what she was sad about. I went on one nauseating spinny ride (by myself of course) and also took Jazzie on the merry-go-round, which she loved. All in all, it was a great fucking experience, although just buying a couple snacks and a SIX DOLLAR LEMONADE damnear broke me, heh.

All good things must come to an end, so we left the fair before Jazzie could start to cry. Greg started to drive out of the fair parking lot and asked me which way he should go, so I pointed in the right direction which involved a u-turn. He turned the way I had pointed, and a cop stepped out in front of the camper, gesturing for Greg to stop. He rolled down the window and there was this exchange:

cop: Where do you think you're going?

Greg: I'm trying to get to Southern [Blvd], am I going the right way?

cop: What are you doing going to the Culture Center?

Greg: I don't want the Culture Center, I'm trying to get out of here and get to Southern so we can go home, do you know which way it is?

cop: So why would you just drive right around the cones that are set up?

Greg: I didn't see any cones, I thought this was the way to Southern.

cop: Do you see those cones? The cones over there? Well, the cones are there and it's pretty obvious which way you SHOULD be going- you should be following the cones instead of driving through the cones. The cones are pretty self explanatory.

me: [laughing because of how many times he said 'cones'] It was an accident, I told him to go this way, can we please just get through? We have a baby in the car who needs to get home.

cop: Next time, you gotta pay attention to the cones, all right? [grumpily lets us pass]

Oh my god, did we laugh on the way home. The cones! "Its pretty obvious because of THE CONES hahahahaha" we said, over and over again. Greg lamented his failing 'cone school' and how it wasn't very obvious to him, while I decided that the cop must have been a 'conehead'. Jaz, still wide-eyed and interested in everything, laughed with us- although she probably didn't know why she was laughing. Cones- hah! Fucking hilarious. :) :)

In other news, it's been FREEZING down here in sunny SoFla! It got BELOW FORTY degrees a couple nights, can you believe it! I don't even know what forty is, as a temperature. Next person who talks about global warming gets kicked square in the nuts. I mean if man-made global warming is real, we sure are doing a shitty job if it gets to be under 40F here in the southernmost part of the country.

In case anyone wanted to know (or even if you didn't want to know, since it's MY blog) I started an adult-ed writing course on Monday nights and later this week I'll be volunteering at a pro-life pregnancy center. I need to do something besides feed the baby and sleep next to her before I go more insane than I already am.

Pictures! The first one is me (duh) and Jasmyne being held by her 11-year-old cousin; the second one is Jaz and him playing together on the floor; the third is Jaz sleeping in a drawer while I sleep next to her on the bed in Greg's folks' house; the fourth is mine and Jaz's very first indoor fire- it gives the room a nice lil glow, doesn't it? I DO have pictures from the fair in addition to the pictures I already posted, but I can't seem to find them at the moment. But don't worry, they will be displayed on my next post- be patient, all righty?

THE CONES!!!!!!!

i'm almost done with the clinic, hooray!!!!

posted on the wall of my methadone clinic:

"Beginning Jan 1 2009, no change will be given. Exact change ONLY for dosing."

"Beginning Jan 1 2009, there will be a $50 registration fee. Including the $12 for your dose, you will need to pay $62 for registration."

"Missing two or more days of treatment will result in a discharge from the program, and to return you must pay a $50 re-registration fee ($62 total)."

"Beginning March 1 2009, the price per dose will go up to $13. Remember to have exact change!"

"If phasing [take-home doses] is rejected, staff is NOT required to explain the reason why!!"

rant:

What the fuck is up with that? Especially the no-change thing, it's complete bullshit! The person before me pays his $12 all in singles, and I have a twenty because you can't get 12 bucks at the ATM, and you still haven't put the singles in the drawer, and then you're gonna tell me you CAN'T give me change? I see the fucking change in your fucking hand! How long does it take to count down from twenty?

Every day, all over the planet, things get sold to paying customers: mattresses, light bulbs, stereo systems, car parts, houses, candy bars, baby bibs, fiberglass insulation, fertilizer, everything imaginable! And do they feel the need to treat their customers like shit, jack prices, and refuse to GIVE CHANGE for CASH PURCHASES? Of course not! Because they would get turned into the BBB and no one would buy from them if they did those things. But the folks who go to the clinic, we need our methadone. Just because it's dope, they get to disrespect their customers. Yeah, they don't like to call us customers, I know. We are 'clients' or 'patients' or whateverthefuck. But we pay cash for dope (oh wait, not dope, it's medication) daily, making us customers!

On the street, drug dealers are famous for treating their customers like shit. Why? Because it's dope! "Yeah, I'll be there in five minutes." Five minutes my ass, if these dope dealers were selling anything besides dope they'd be out of a job so fast it would make their heads spin. I guess you hafta expect this sort of shit from street niggers, but they do the same gay shit at the clinic. "We can't give you change for a twenty even though we have it right here, and the price is going up even though each dose costs us about 20c, and if you can't afford your dose or the gas to get here for a couple days we are gonna go ahead and charge you MORE for no good reason, and oh by the way you don't get take homes even though you followed ALL the rules and met all the requirements and we don't hafta tell you shit about why! What are you gonna do, leave? Hahaha!" Stupid fucking legal dope dealers with their stupid gay shit.

/rant

anything that might be mistaken for credibility

Me and Greg took Jazzie to the zoo, and Greg got a little 'trigger-happy' with his camera. We got in for free because he knew someone that knew someone, and Jaz talked to the birds.

The next day (Friday) I went to court. Finally, after months of continuances, the judge was gonna sentence me to four months of house arrest for getting high a year ago. But when I arrived at the courthouse (15 minutes late as usual) my attorney has good news: she had gotten the DA to agree to 'administrative probation', or as the judge later called it, 'cosmetic probation'. Basically, I'd only meet with a PO once, and after that they'd basically trust me, and I wouldn't get the dreaded VOP charge if I got in more trouble (although I would get nailed to the wall, because I'd end up in front of that same judge). That last part was most important, because when you get a VOP around here, you just sit in county with no bail and no court date- and they'll violate you for anythiung too. Fuck that noise.

Anyways, I'd been going in front of this same judge once or twice a month to get continuances since fuckin' April. [note: I have already told this story a billion times on this blog, so PLEASE don't ask "what were you in trouble for?" Just check out my posts from April- it's there.] Back when I got arrested, I didn't have anything that might be mistaken for credibility: I had about a month clean and was pregnant and fresh off the streets. But he's seen me bunches of times with Jaz, as time went by, so he doesn't think I'm just putting on a front for in front of the judge.

On one hand, I'd enrolled in the methadone clinic over a month before I caught that charge. On the other hand, I was on my third-strike drug felony in a conservative, southern, three-strike state. Not good. The judge asked if I'd take the 'administrative probation' with adjudication, and (at the advice of my attorney) said yes. He told me that my charge could catch me a nickel- a 5 year prison sentence, and that once I'd pled guilty he could legally sentence me to the full five. He asked if I trusted him to sentence me. I looked again at my lawyer, and she nodded, telling me to say yes. I said, "yes." The judge says, 'time served, pay court costs.' I had been in jail from 1pm to a little after 6pm.

If I get another felony though...

colorful, pessimistic, inaccurate predictions

I am gonna begin twice-weekly (or possibly more often?) blog updates, if Jasmyne lets me of course. She isn't a big fan of me being online. But today, instead of me babbling on about what the baby did today [Oh my god, she BLINKED!!! That's soooooo cute!!!!!!] I'm gonna go over my favorite predictions from last year's comments. You know, all those Nostradamus wannabes posting what was gonna happen to me, for sure this time? I find it very entertaining, and what I find entertaining is of course what I post. So, with no further bullshit, I give you...

--MICHELLE'S FAVORITE ANONYMOUS PREDICTIONS '08--

February

"First, the attention whore is not pregnant. Second, she will never get off drugs. She has no desire to."

"I've never once said anything bad about michelle... but it's so obvious that this new "pregnancy" story is a fake… who can blame her though? If people will continue to believe her fabrications and still show sympathy for her invisible children, why should she stop?"

March

"I'm going to go ahead and make a prediction here. I predict that in a few days/weeks Michelle will make a post about how she is no longer pregnant, and that she miscarried because of this "accident", and how we should all feel sorry for her...."

"If she really is pregnant, that kid is going straight to social care."

"It seems to me she just dont care about anyone but herself otherwise she would do the responsible thing and be seeking prenatal care and help for her addiction."

"If you have this baby, face it- this man Greg ain't going to take any responsibility."

May

"And you are an idiot if you believe she is not still doing heroin."

"Of course, the chances that you are actually pregnant are pretty slim. So if you really are pregnant why don't you post a pic."

June

"There's no way in hell you're going to not go back to being a junkie whore as soon as it's born. The kid will be left with your parents before it's a week old. I guarantee it."

July

"The only name you should give your (maybe) kid is "Temporary"."

September

"6 months from now you will either be on mmt or back to being a full time junkie. don't kid yourself."

November

"I heard Michelle is back on Dixie Highway..."

"[Jasmyne] IS going through withdrawal… be prepared for your kid to hate you.Once an addict, always an addict; way to set your daughter up for failure."

December

"Your "success" has not driven me away. I'm still waiting patiently for the inevitable train wreck to happen. It's not a matter of if... it's a matter of when. You can spew all you want about how well you're doing, and you're clean, and woo woo woo. But just because you write something in your blog doesn't make it true. And I never really expected you to admit here when the inevitable fuck up happens."

"I give you 3 months before you're back whoring on the street full time. And custody of the kid will be long gone."

"It's all good as your kid will have a better chance once you lose custody-- which you will."

You know the best part of these predictions? None of them came true. Zero. Not a single fucking one. I wasn't pregnant? I was gonna miscarry? I couldn't quit drugs while pregnant? The baby would be taken away immediately? I'd ditch her in her first week? I'd start getting high again soon as she was born? DCF was gonna take her away? Hah! Success is it's own excuse, and this list is proof-positive that you shit-talkers don't know a fucking thing about me. You read, but you don't comprehend.

I look forward to more colorful, pessimistic, inaccurate predictions in '09! Keep 'em coming guys, maybe you'll get one right! : )

watch me on a hidden camera for a month straight

Everyone has been on my ass to update lately, both here and IRL. I guess I'm losing the interest I once had in making this blog great, which kinda sucks because now I have real live readers who actually give a damn about when I write and what about, as well as readers who read every word I write and attempt to use it against me! I started this blog because I was living such an exciting, unpredictable, crazy life and I had daily adventures that I just HAD to write about- the cops rushing into Chuck's house while there was drugs and 'quip everywhere, my friend's car running out of gas in the parking lot of the Sunoco that he had just robbed, me and my boy E peeking out the windows of one of Palm Beach island's most luxurious hotel suites for 36 straight hours, deaths, arrests, moves, efforts at rehabilitation... basically all the junkie drama of a real-life street soap opera. Much less excitement now, which is a good thing for my new family but a bad thing for those hoping for an entertaining story.

Another problem- I can no longer express myself as I wish, because there are multiple pricks out there in cyberspace making increasingly incorrect predictions ("yer baby iz gonna b born a junky1!!!!") and threatening to call DCF every time I type anything that they don't approve of. Honestly, I could care less if these hateful sons of bitches hiding behind their keyboards keep spewing their venom all over my blog- I am 100% pro-freedom, and these folks are entitled to type whatever they want, even if it is useless, incorrect, and libelous. But I also have the freedom to say what I please! After all, this is MY website, is it not? I should be able to say that I've been craving coke bad enough to give me migraines this past week, and not have anyone threaten to use it against my baby!

And by the way, Trish (PTO Mom) was right when she said that drug use (or in this case, simply writing about past and/or possible drug use!) is not enough for anyone to take custody of Jazzie away from me! My child is spoiled rotten, and you could watch me on a hidden camera for a month straight and never even see me YELL at my baby girl, much less abuse, neglect, or endanger her. That kid saved my life, and I am beyond grateful- she is treated with utmost respect and love.

Another reason I'm not on this blog very often is that people are telling me what to write, how to write it, what to add, what NOT to write, when to write, etc. This used to be for me, now he wants me to try and make money off this blog which isn't that big of a deal (I do like money!) but that isn't the priority on here. At least it shouldn't be, and it hasn't been until now. Let's let it remain that way, all righty? Blogging without obligation, bitches! Shit, I'm already gonna make a couple bucks selling all them baby clothes on ebay!

Well anyways, I guess I'll write about baby's first Christmas. She loved it! Jazzie loves Christmas lights, so we would take her for a walk around the neighborhood every night to see all the light displays. Some of them were pretty big and bright, and I could tell Jaz liked them because she made her "interested face" which is: eyes big like saucers, mouth dangling open (with or without a string of drool hanging down), arms sticking out as if to grab what she's looking at. There was a HUGE display of lights at a local chocolate shop called Hoffman's Chocolates, so we took her there. She made the interested face as well as lots of smiles and happy gurgling for about a half hour... then she got a little bit overwhelmed. There were THOUSANDS of lights, as well as a very large group of people (including a bunch of bikers!) talking loudly and laughing- all in all, too much excitement for a baby not quite three months old. I took her out and let her bury her face in my chest so she could calm down. That was a few days before the 25th.

On Christmas Day, I had Jaz help open her presents. She got a bunch of awesome clothes (fuck dope and coke, I am now physically addicted to baby clothes) but a bunch of the stuff I ordered didn't fit. To anyone who wants to order from http://www.punkbabyclothes.net/, order about 2 sizes up: my girl was born in September and the 6 month sizes are too fuckin' small. Also they are giving me problem with exchanging said unworn baby clothes for store credit or the next size up. I will update about this, because I don't want to talk shit about a company that doesn't deserve it! To their credit, they have great stuff... it just runs quite small. Jazzie-bear's favorite present was a rattle that she can munch on (she is teething) and if she starts to cry in the car, I shake the rattle and she (usually, but not always) stops crying. Later on Christmas day I went to see Yes Man with Jim Carrey, and fed Jasmyne in the theater. I figured I'd get to watch half of that movie before she started fidgeting, but no one but me even knew there was a baby in the theater! I did miss the last five minutes to change her diaper, but whatever.

Some stuff to show how spoiled my bear cub is! She is teething (and not even 4 months old yet, crazy huh?) and the teething ring I already had is a little big for her. So Greg and I [and yes bitches, Greggie IS her father!!!!!] went to Babies R Us, which is a very intimidating 'superstore' filled to the brim with shit that you'd never think a baby would need. Spray-on conditioner? Infant eye drops? Crib bumpers and crib skirts? Gems for decorating pacifiers? It's all there- and more! Anyways, we were in the market for a smaller teething toy, and (since it was Babies R Us) we were faced with a huge variety. We bought three different ones just to find the one that she liked best. And neither one of us is working right now!

Also- she doesn't wear disposable diapers. At all. I am one of the only Americans in 2009 who doesn't just use cloth diapers, but FLAT cloth diapers! Here is what I am referring to: http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=28&products_id=276 I hafta scrub shit with my hands, but they are better for Jaz and for the environment. I also have cloth baby wipes, and "cuddle time" at least 5 times a day. Is that abuse, neglect, or endangerment? :)

Well I have to go and feed her once again, so away I go. Tommorrow there will be more (no, really!) because I have put together quite a collage!