Sunday, February 17, 2008

"if they're dead, I can get the rest of their shit"

That's too much shit to reply to, but yeah. Appreciate all the love and hate and support and criticism and accusations and whatnot. Hooray for popularity/infamy! What I will say is that Greg ("the pimp" to use flamerese) is doing some sort of job in another town in Florida and will be back tomorrow. There really isn't much construction work right now in SoFla, because there's so much shit already built that no one will buy or even rent. Everyone is trying to get the fuck out of here cause living here costs a damn fortune, even in the hood. So no, my man didn't run out on me. He's contributing to the cause of Shelley and Greggie not being broke anymore. Hooray for "the pimp"! Also, I really am pregnant, don't much care whether you believe it or not, and am desperately trying to quit partying. I'm just stuck like chuck.

So I made it a whole 5 days with no heroin! Lil bit of booze, lil bit of pills (weak ones, just to take the edge off cause w/d is bad for pregnant bitches), tons and tons of weed- but no dope or coke or crack [the "majors"]. I was truly proud of myself. Then I fucked it up. The problem with me is, it's all or nothing. I'll stay clean for a minute, but when I "relapse" (I wasn't exactly in a program, so I dunno if it's a relapse) I don't just do 1 or 2 bags. I did 13
bags (1 buy and 2 "gifts") and woke up the next morning still high- for a little bit. Then I started slipping into hell. I was S I C K. Wanted to die, but I would never actually kill myself. Talk about it sometimes when I'm hurting real bad, but I'm too scared to do it. I don't want to go to hell.

I stayed clean (with the help of loricets and valium) the whole fucking day, and Thursday too. Friday I bought 3 bags and did 'em up real quick, resisting the urge to buy more more more. Right when I got it, I was shaking and dry heaving so I hauled ass to one of the "spots" around the city, more specifically the one by [you didn't think I was stupid enough to post the exact locations of the local shooting galleries, did you?] and I knocked first, but no one answered (it's not a person's house or anything) so I went in and I see this couple, Tony and Olivia, that I have known for a long time (I guess you could call 'em friends, it's more like we look out for each other on the street what with exchanging connections, giving each other free bags/hits, ya know, street friends). In fact, Olivia is one of the only 3 Dixie hoes I can stand to be in the same room with. But anyway they are both big-time junkies, way the fuck worse than me. WAY THE FUCK WORSE.

I open the door of the "spot" and both Tony and Olivia are flopped on the ground in weird angles, passed the fuck out, needles sticking out their arms. I thought they were both dead, I about had a fucking heart attack. And you know the first thought that went through my mind? "If they're dead, I can get the rest of their shit- it's obviously fire." I am a sick, sick, person, no? I got rid of that thought as quickly as it came and went over to see if they were ok. Both were breathing, both had pulses, so I shook 'em awake.

me: yo, baby, baby, wake up, you don't even know what you look like right now! you gotta get outta here!
olivia: wha? where?
me: you guys nodded out in [the junkie spot].
o: no fucking way what time is it?
me: about 11am
tony: bullshit! we got here at 7.
me: you know what, you are SO fucking lucky that it was me who found you. First off, could've been police. If it wasn't police, it would have been someone that would call the police over shit like that. If it was another junky, you would've been robbed. So you better be thanking god that I'm the one who found y'all.
o: [checks her bra and counts her dope bags to insure that I indeed didn't steal any] good lookin' out.
me: hey, you can look out for me?
t: give her one, hon

So I got a free bag out of it, and I almost ended up on the floor of the spot with the needle sticking out my own hand. The dope they get doesn't fuck around, and they won't introduce anyone to their guy because lots of junkies go through them and have to give them a free bag, and also it makes sure that they are always buying quantity from the same guy so he gives them free bags too. I gotta give props, cause that's selfish but it's good game (on the street-junkie level, of course). That was a run-on sentence. I like those :)

Lil Wayne- I feel like dying <-------very good song

So I did dope on Friday but not yesterday. Yesterday I suffered through and somehow managed to eat at a buffet- that one took a LOT of weed and xanax and I still only managed 2 small platefuls of some of my all-time favorite foods. Crab legs, cocktail shrimp, sushi, sashimi, teriyaki beef with noodles, hibachi, filet mignon- those are some of my favorite fucking foods in creation. And it was a buffet. And I ate a little bit of sushi, a little bit of shrimp, and some ice cream. THAT'S IT- that is so unlike me. I am a hoglet when it comes to seafood and steak (and sweets, and fried chicken, and fast food, and tacos, and Chinese food, and noodles, and rice with beans, and sodas, and beer, and chocolate or whole milk, and sandwiches especially ham and cheese, and pretty much every kind of food and drink hah).

Last night I had it real rough. I woke up literally screaming 2 or 3 times and had to take a percocet, and when I woke up for good around 7am I had a fucking seizure. Isn't heroin great? So today, I went out determined to get some, although I was much too sick to do a trick and I have no money. I started trudging around Lantana on 3 percocets and a valium and not feeling any of it when I started feeling real shitty so I went and sat by the railroad tracks so if I freaked out no one would see. Then I had another seizure. I came out of that, I had banged my head on the tracks and scratched myself all up in the rocks. I'm starting to forget why I ever started this shit. I had made it all the way to where my dopeman stays, and his truck was there, and I knew knew knew he'd front me whatever I wanted if he saw how I was looking. But I didn't go in. I went back home instead, took another couple percocets, went in a chat room and listened to sirius online.

I can't be a junkie anymore. It's not that I want to stop using heroin, because I really don't, especially when it hurts like THIS to stop. But I can't do it anymore. It's getting to be too much trouble. This past week I've been sick more than I've been well, barely able to sleep- and I'm right where I started because after almost a week, I stuck a fucking needle in my arm. Not once, not twice, but 17 bags. So now it's like the last week of hell doesn't even count, I'm gonna have to start the detox over, I would sell my fucking soul to make it stop. I don't mean "make it stop" like shoot 2 bags, and the pain goes away for a while. I mean "make it stop" like all of it. The shooting, the craving, the puking, the shitting, the pain, the obsession, the insomnia, the shakes, the depression, the screaming, the seizures, the all-encompassing NEED to fill that hole RIGHT FUCKING NOW. It needs to end, and it needs to end now. I don't want to go on methadone, because that'll just drag it out even longer. If I'm gonna be hooked on a drug, and get sick if I stop, and have to go get it every day and pay for it, then I might as well be on heroin cause I can at least enjoy myself when I'm high. I just want to STOP. I'll bring the percs down as slowly as I can handle, and keep plenty of marijuana on hand, and not drink, and not do coke (that would just be a bad idea altogether), and NO MATTER WHAT not do any fucking dope. I can do it. It doesn't matter if I can or not, I goddamn have to.

Shit talkers: ready, aim... FIRE! Can't wait to hear your feedback.

no life baby, we're rehabbed and we're ready
for our fifteen minutes of shame
you and i are on the edge and we're waiting to fall
raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all
we're taught to be nothing at all
i don't like the drugs but the drugs like me
don't like the drugs, the drugs, the drugs
i don't like the drugs but the drugs like me
there's a hole in our soul that we fill with dope
and we're feelin' fine
[no, I didn't write those lyrics and don't claim to- it was marilyn manson]

I am gonna get fucking clean, yes I am. No more wishing I didn't have a heroin habit, no more being sick for 2 days then shooting enough dope to kill a small elephant, no more "I'm buying a 50 now, I'll stretch it and quit when it runs out." No more! I'll probably still smoke weed, but I'm gonna ease off the pills until I'm not taking fuckshit! I am gonna goddamn do it! Yes! I have no other option! I am scared shitless, what a pussy I am! Doesn't matter! Pussy or not, here I come!

MICHELLE ANGELINA ****** is going to be clean, motherfucka!


Anonymous said...

If your really trying to get clean I would recommend to totally quit the pot, coke,h and just stick to the pills. They give them to pregant women all the time for pain and dont usually have a effect on the baby. But i would recommend quittting in the last month or you will have a addicted baby.

heatherrreloise said...

I hope you are able to quit everything.
As long as you believe in yourself and don't hang around people that may influence you to break you clean streak than you should be alright.


CindyB1 said...

Have you thought about going to a hospital? The Drs. can put you in a controled coma for the time it takes your bod to detox. So you don't remember or feel any of it. Then you get to start clean. They could also check on the baby and see if there has been damage from the bags you have done as well as the pills.

Good Luck


Anonymous said...

Hang in Shell.. we are all pullin for ya'.. BTW, check your email 'k..
Boston Joe

Anonymous said...

Good luck Shelly!

If you get clean, can you live with your parents?


Anonymous said...

What about methadone? I think they have to put at the top of the list if your pregant.

Anonymous said...

HELLOOOOOO, You are pregnant what are you waiting for. You no longer have a choice to use or not to use you now have a RESPONSIBILITY because you are pregnant. If you don't live up to your responsibility there will be consequences this is not a game you have a real human life growing inside you. You are not the first or last person to be in this situation and there is help available. Its how you handle it that matters because someday you will have to explain why you made such choices to your baby! Get some professional help for the sake of your baby you really do need it!

Anonymous said...

one doesn't even have to talk shit...

you are a trainwreck, and while thats fine that you do this shit to yourself(we all know people that destroy their lives), you have no right to destroy an unborn childs life

Anonymous said...

First, the attention whore is not pregnant. Second, she will never get off drugs. She has no desire to.

Anonymous said...

I know you said you dontwant to get on methadone but you need to think about what is best for baby. While it would be ideal not to do aything that probaly wont happen because you have been using for so long. Methadone wight is the best chioce for baby.

Anonymous said...

Girl, being on opiates would be better than drinking. Drinking, even this early can cause Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

At least opiates ain't going to cause any brain damage or birth defects. Still, you don't need to be putting that shit into your body, girl.

You need to get right with your mom and dad, and get them to help you get on disability and suboxone.

You can either taper off the suboxone over a couple of months or you could wait until the child is born. The doctors can then detox the child through small dosages, if neccessary.

I ain't go no truck with you, and I think you're a very talented writer with a gift for narrative prose.

I know in my heart you need to swallow your pride, and go to your mom and dad.

If you have this baby, face it- this man Greg ain't going to take any responsibility. You're just a piece of white cooze he can use for money, sex, and one big ego trip. Why do you think he takes all your money, whores you out, fucks you on the side, and then degrades you for your drug use ?

How long do you think him holding a job is really going to last ? You think he'll stay with you or this kid for 18 years ?

If you have this child, you will need some support and love. Your mom and dad raised you, and I know they still love you in their heart of hearts.

You know you've made some mistakes, and the fact you want to change shows you can admit your mistakes. If you get on Sub and move in with your parents, you'll have stability, a support group to help with the pregnancy and your sobriety, and you'll have the opportunity to get a job or start getting an education or some training at a CC or something similar.

I still think the best thing to do is to end this pregnancy before it gets along any further. You have a hard enough road ahead providing for yourself, so I don't see anything positive in you trying to raise a kid at the same time. What kind of life can you offer this child ? The most humane thing to do is to kill what you can't take care of.

Girl, I hope you find some peace, some happiness, and a better way for yourself. FOR YOURSELF- NOBODY ELSE !

-Jerome in Montgomery, AL

Jake said...

Is this like a contest for you? Like you posting shit trying to see what you can get people to believe? Like you start off small, but then you post some totally made up crap and then giggle if someone believes you?

Because some of your posts were a bit far fetched but not so much that one couldn't give you the benefit of the doubt. Then you post something like this and it's so far from reality it's ridiculous.

mondo said...

I swear to God, if you lived in L.A., we would definitely have been crime partners.