Thursday, June 21, 2007

there is no in-between for me

I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me. That's a lie. I like the drugs plenty. Quitting drugs is harder than leaving a long relationship. You know it's unhealthy, you know nothing good can come of it but if I put all the dope and coke and crack and bong-hits aside, the world would be a different place. MY world would be a different place. Will it be better in the long run, and even if so, what about the short term? Can I really walk out of this detox and never pick up another bag of heroin? Never again hit a crack stem or a joint or anything that enhances my lonely existance and gives me something to look forward to? I guess I'm sitting on the pity pot. The sick has mostly passed, but now I'm facing months of discomfort, insomnia, restlessness, shaking, boredom, and basically feeling wrong and bad. Like right now as I type this, it's about 80 degrees and I'm shivering bad every few seconds. I can't function without my opiates. Is this what I want? Or do I want to roll back to where I was before entering this detox, waking up sick and only having that one wake-up shot to screw my head on right 15 minutes before my rent is due? There is no in-between for me, I'm a full-fledged heroin addict.

If I really clean up my act- no heroin at all- I can move. I'd be free from the H-ball and chain and could leave without having to worry about enough to last for the trip plus the time it would take to find a good h source wherever I go. Even if I only move to Miami, it's still a change of scenery.

But it's a conundrum. What would be the point of having gone through all this pain, sickness, sweat, tears, seizures, torture, and boredom if I'm just gonna fall of the wagon right when I first get out? Why bother staying till tommorrow if I'm gonna hit the strip and call [dopegirl's name deleted] the second I arrive?

I have a feeling that when I write my next post, I'll be high on heroin. That thought kind of depresses me, but it's just facing reality. At least they just gave me my valium.


Moo Cluck said...

Manson rules. As for the depressing thought of using on your next post, ya know..Alot of people off themselves after not being clean. Relapse and failure is part of the getting clean cycle. Don't think your a failure, drugs are a mother fucker. They consume people, and it's not always easy to get free from their grip. You've endured them for a long ass time, and change can't happen overnight. So try to think positive, even if you end up nodding out again. Going back to your living situation is almost a gurantee of it. Just saying it how it is, and I guess deep down you probably know your not ready. Despite this I believe in you, even if this comment seems negative. Don't take this the wrong way, please.

Your awesome.

CindyB1 said...

You have come so far, why not give it a try to get clean from H? You could try the methadone, and supplement with other "stuff" until you nolonger crave so much. You are so strong and smart, I hope a better life for you. Good luck and may god hold your hand.


Rachel said...

From reading about you here, it seems like drugs have been your life for a long, long time. So it makes sense that you wouldn't find it easy to give them up over night. But like the previous poster said -- why not give it a try? You might as well.

I didn't know that moving was something that you would want to do. IF you do move, try to go somewhere that you have friends, hopefully friends that party a little but not too much. If they don't party at all, you'll ditch them. If they party all the time, you might as well stay where you are. Just don't go somewhere without knowing anyone. My friend moved from Mass. to New Mexico & thought (hoped) that her crack/cocaine/adderall addiction wouldn't come with her. To meet people so she wasn't so lonely, it was easy to find other users & she was actually worse off because she didn't have *any* other support people around, just her addicted friends so there was no reality check at all. She is back in Mass now and doing okay. Still taking drugs but better. She's on disability which helps b/c it comes every month and she has her own place.

Have you considered trying suboxone? Or subtex? People seem to like it. It's way more expensive than methadone but it seems to work better for some people. I don't know if you have access to it but maybe check it out.

Even if you leave rehab & relapse, it doesn't mean that you're hopeless to drugs. You either had a set back or you just aren't ready yet. It will come if you want it. And I am not saying that it will be easy.

Sorry so long. I guess I talk alot, huh?