Monday, June 18, 2007

the pokey bloody goodness

I'm in detox, woohoo! Actually it's a big flaming fiery hell. When I first got here, I slept for 10 hours and woke up wishing for death. They couldn't give me meds because I was just puking em up non stop, so I ended up with 4 needles in the butt. Then my face muscles locked up and my whole face turned to the right. My tongue tried to force itself into the back of my throat and I was talking like a Down's syndrome patient. God damn that shit was scary.

This is like... day four. When I first came in here, I was determined that I was gonna do the right thing. Hell, I wanted it more than anything!! Anything was better than the way I was living: sharing a motel room with someone I don't even like just because he had a car and didn't ask me for crack or heroin ever. Tricking on the streets, well I might keep that one because the money is so farkin' good. But I was sick of the sick. WAS... now that's the key word in that sentence.

Now I can't wait for the pokey bloody goodness that accompanies a big shot of heroin. Maybe it'll go away after I totally get well, or maybe not. Either way if worst comes to worst, I can always kill myself. KIDDING!!! Just kidding!!! Or is that just what I want people to believe? Bwahahahahaha!!!! God, I'm such a goof nugget sometimes, no?

So now I'm stuck. I don't want to be a junkie ass addict again, but I can't imagine doing ANYTHING that involves leaving the house without a shot first. Maybe I could start doing it only on weekends? Hah, that's a funny joke. Maybe I'm in the wrong business, I should be a stand up comic, because that was such a funny joke. Me... as in Michelle Angelina... using heroin... just on weekends? Fucking stupidly hilarious, but also very sad. I'm looking so forward to getting a bag. I got either 3 or 4 more days, then I hit the strip and start the fuck over. It's a depressing situation.

But fuck depression. I can overcome it and if I need chemical assistance then so be it. I might write again before I leave detox but probably not. This is my room mate's laptop that I'm typing on right now.


Moo Cluck said...

hey michelle,

well i'm glad to see your atleast able to type! sorry about your shitty situation, i woulda thought they would have been able to get you well, then wean your dose're like this giant opiate devourer. hah. you not being able to imagine life without H is normal, your going to have to learn to make it. fear is normal and shit in this situation. but then again, drugs are good and it's all you know. it is shitty, but most of the time it feels damn good. i know i'm kind of hypocritical and all, just trying to offer you some support and shit. don't suppose you got my package? douche friend was supposed to order it for me, as payment for work i did.

talk to you later

Rachel said...

Okay. I don't really know where to start. I found your blog from looking at junkylife & I have been reading it. You are able to put your feeling into words really well and you pour your heart out. You seem much older in some ways. Since you are writing a blog, I hope that you don't mind my comments too much. I wish that I had the magic sentence that would make everything okay for you but you're in a tough place. I hope that you "get better" or at least make peace with your life. The only thing that I can think of to suggest is that you need to find other activities to fill up your time. Not drugs. Not prostitution. And some new friends too. Not that your current friends are bad, just that the ones that do drugs are going to tempt you.

Rachel said...

I guess what I am saying is that if you were able to become passionate and involved about something else, it might be easier to put the drugs down. Try to write down where you want your life to be when you are 35. Yep. That day will come. Then do the first three steps to get there. It's a start...
Who do you picture yourself becoming? What do you want to have? Kids? Partner? Marriage? Car? Home? Intersting job? Whatever you choose, it's your life to choose. And then develop some concrete steps to get there.

Rachel said...

And -- I promise this will be it for awhile -- don't go back to prostition if you can help it. I am sure the money really IS good. Way better than anything else. I am odd in that I don't think that protituion is wrong because it's wrong. I just think that in your situation right now, it will make it so much easier to take drugs. I know that it's easy to give advice and you don't even know me but I do wish you well.

k1tten said...

Can I still come visit girlfriend?

k1tten said...

Can I still visit?