heart full of love

From: Michelle Angelina [blazeyadeadhomie61@gmail.com]
To: Micheal Wayne Sink [mikews@bellsouth.net]
Subject: please read this

Micheal Wayne:

If you knew how much it hurt me to write this, and you cared about me at all, you would cry. I can't seem to stop crying. You have been the center of my life for so fucking long that just the thought of averting my eyes breaks my heart. I love you- I don't think that will ever change. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up one morning and not give a flying fuck about you anymore, not care if you're happy or sad, not care if you're alive or dead, not care how you feel about me. But that's not going to happen. You have been EVERYTHING to me for going on 5 years now, and I can't just turn away. Believe me, I've tried. I love you more than I love myself- I can't help it. I will go to my grave with a heart full of love for my Micheal.

Having said that, I don't think we should see each other anymore, or even talk to each other. Reason One is your mom. I know she's your mom, I know you love her (regardless of whether you like her or not) and I know that blood is thicker than water. But you've proved time and time again that if it's HER or ME, I will lose. If you want to be with me, you can't betray me like you did tonight. If you give me something (or sell me something in exchange for dope, like you did with the iPOD), you can't ask for it back. And if you do ask for it back, and I say NO because I love it and you know it makes me happy and I finally got it fixed, be a fucking man about it, would you? Don't go crying to your mommy about it. I walk out the door thinking you are on my side, and I get totally humiliated when you defend her instead of me. When did you become all high and mighty? Weren't you asking me for dope an hour before? Weren't you shooting up MY dope in the Wendy's bathroom just yesterday (and the Winn Dixie bathroom, and the Farmer Girl bathroom)? Weren't you popping methadone on the bus because you were dopesick? Weren't you puking in the McDonalds parking lot just last night because you did too much H? Can you remind me again what makes you better than me?

You have hurt me too many times. I don't want you to call me again, because I won't answer. I don't want you to come and see me again, because I won't show up. I don't want you to ask me for dope again, because I won't get you any. Don't think this is because I don't love you. It's because I DO love you that I can't see you anymore. You go from telling me you want to get back together with me to turning on me over a stupid broken mp3 player overnight- I'm not emotionally stable enough to handle that shit! Do you know how close I am to killing myself? Do you know how fucking miserable and depressed I am over the situation with you? Do you know how much I want to say FUCK your mom, FUCK my mom, FUCK everybody and run away to some faraway land with you so we could be together forever? For five months I was dead inside, yearning to hear you tell me that you loved me. Now I want you to show it. Is that too much to ask? You haven't showed any love yet, except with your dick, and as much as I enjoyed that it's not enough to convince me that you really still care.

I have never loved anyone in the universe half as much as I love you, and I know I never will. You've ruined sex for me forever, because no one can ever make me feel the way you did when we slept together. Same thing with relationships. When I hug you, I feel this warmth and happiness that makes me want to laugh and cry and never let you go. When I hug somebody else, male or female, I pretend I'm hugging you so I don't pull away too quickly.

If you want to e-mail me back, do so, but don't try to contact me any other way. I wish there was a better way, a better solution, a happy ending. But happy endings only exist in Disney movies and Harlequin romances. This is the real world. The only thing I ask is that you never forget how much I love you. I know I can't forget, not ever.

yours beyond eternity(?)

Michelle Angelina ******

The thick white smoke makes me choke in ppain
While this Lake Worth funk spreads through my brain
So I break the law, but I'm not to blame
You only know my place, you don't know my name
So I break the fence, and I bend the steel
And I steal the car, and I grip the wheel
And I park the car, and I steal it again
Cause I really don't know what's happening
I wait for night to fall so I can go outside
But quickly run back in 'cause I don't wanna die
The Lake Worth air alone, it can corrupt your brain
The smoke fills the sky, enough to block the rain
And I pray to God to have me justified
Cause my eyes are glazed and my brain is fried
I don't have a name, I don't have a home
I don't wanna lay alone on a bed of stone
I see that death awaits me on this narrow path
But when I stop to think, I can only laugh
Because I'm not alone, it didn't take me long
To see that everyone's singing the same stoned-out song
Some say I'm real and some say I'm fake
But I really don't care 'cause it's far too late
You see, my body is weak and I'm losing breath
And with every shot I can taste the death
If I have to go, you better take me fast
Because I started under and I'm sinking fast
And when the ace of spades is missing from my deck
Then you'll know the dope has finally cut my neck
Hey, don't look now, but there he goes again
It's me and the Grim Reaper, best of friends
He's always hangin' around, waiting for me to die
We shot a game of pool- he's not a bad guy
Feel like I'm in the corner of a circle room
At about thirteen in the afternoon
And I still feel the strain, but as I walk along
I notice everyone's singing the same stoned-out song
If my time has come, then I'm ready to go
Shoot me in the face with your .44
And as I'm falling down to my sorry death
I'll laugh with my very last breath
Lose some, win some, that's how it goes
I've been down and out and taken many blows
But there ain't nothing here I've never seen before
I try to balance and they ask me to juggle some more
You wanna see the world, you wanna work in town
You wanna meet a man, you wanna settle down
You wanna raise a family in your own home
I wanna run with a crew from the ghetto zone
Well I could be right and I could be wrong
And if I ain't dead yet, then it won't be long
But it doesn't matter what side you're on
Tonight everyone sings the same stoned-out song