"my crack capital was $250"

Yes! Finally the library computer lets me log onto Blogger! Fucking excellent! So much has happened since I left my folks' house...

1) I moved into an efficiency in Lake Worth which is currently being painted, so the owners of the apt building moved me into an apt twice the size of the efficiency for the same price. Now I have couches and 2 TVs in case I ever want company (which I usually don't).

2) I got on methadone and have (pretty much) quit shooting up. For about a week there I was only using marijuana and alcohol, until yesterday, when I shot 5 bags all at once which caused me to feel shitty enough about myself to start smoking crack. I only smoked half of what I bought, nasty garbage. It's still chilling in my drawer for the next crackhead who darkens my door. It will be like the One Millionth Crackhead to enter my apt will recieve a prize of... crack. Creative, no?

3) I went to the South Florida Fair... twice! Once with my parents to see the animals and the exhibits and all that stuff, and once with my fellow hoes (Diamond, Molly, and Amy- the Fucked Up Four) with ride bracelets to ride all the rides. My mom told me that gyros are made out of lamb and now I can never eat them again. I always thought it was beef. At least I got to have my candy apple, and fried dill pickle, and sausage hoagie, and kettle corn, and elephant ear with blueberry shit all over it, and huge baked potato covered in cheese, and all the other totally unhealthy foods that you eat at the county fair right before going on the Gravitron.

[[DIAMOND: I know you're reading this, you're a bitch for that Gravitron thing. Just kidding, ya know I love ya, crazy ho.]]

4) It was on the news, so it's official- Palm Beach County is the "crack capital" of America! Now if that doesn't inspire town pride, then nothing will. No wonder every other person I know smokes crack, and every third person sells it. I knew it would be in Florida somewhere, but what surprises me is that we beat Miami- I'd have bet all I had that Liberty City alone was the crack capital. I can't get into the whole crack scene, but I do like the phrase "crack capital." It sounds like your net income when you're selling the shit, no? "I had to spend $300 last night but I sold about $550 worth of dope, so my crack capital was $250." Yes! That is funny. I'm gonna be laughing about that shit all day.

5) I been doing nothing but smoking pot, playing GameCube, and watching satellite TV since quitting heroin. My dealers won't stop calling me! "I got fire." "I'll front you some." Well not all of them, but enough that it drives me up the wall. So I smoked this pot that I was warned about and went to the bar for a couple drinks. Four hours and ten drinks later, the visuals from whatever hallucinogenic substance was on my marijuana are still kicking my ass. So I stumble home only to be stopped by 2 cops who were probably normal-sized men but I was tripping hard so they were DINOSAUR SIZED. I'm surprised they didn't take me to jail what with the way I was acting.

6) Micheal has stopped calling. God I love him and miss him.

[i will update more often from now on...]

updating won't be as often

I'm being thrown out of the house with internet access today and going to live on the south side of the county (as supposed to the west side, where I live now. Updating won't be as often, but I'll try to make it happen.

kind of random

I once had it all, but I'm down to none
What's the point of life without a little fun?
True, I did some things that I know are wrong
True, the party has lasted a bit too long
True, I've fried my brain and I've wrecked my health
And committed felonies against myself
I'm the perfect example of self-will run riot
When the voices in my head refuse to keep quiet
I don't know when it started, the incessant pain
That made me stick that needle into my vein
But I do know that it won't go away
I've tried it all, I guess it's here to stay
So I sit and smoke and write these rhymes
Like I've done so many other times
I know it's kind of random, but my brain is soggy
And my thoughts confuse me and my mind is foggy
I grew up with a family that I hold dear
I may talk some shit, but it's not sincere
I love my family with all my heart
So why the drugs? Why'd I even start?
Because it's fun as hell when you first begin
I felt SO rebellious to be involved with sin
But it drew me in, now I can't get away
So I go through the same shit every day
I still go to work, because I gotta get paid
Even if it means suck dick or get laid
And then Micheal got involved with me as well
I held him tight all the way to Hell
If I had one wish, I'd wish to be free
Of the pain and the thoughts that torture me
Free from the needles and free from the lies
And the heroin- the devil in disguise
You say that The Twelve Steps can see me through
And maybe that bullshit works for you
But having to attend meetings every day-
Isn't that an addiction in it's own way?
If I stay in the program, I'll never be free
Those stupid slogans keep you under lock and key
"Easy does it" "Let go and let God"
Does no one but me find it slightly odd
To live your life by a bumper sticker?
I can find "serenity" so much quicker
With a needle filled with the finest brown
But in the end that, too, lets me down
So until I find a better way
Looks like these drugs are here to stay
They keep me smiling, keep me sane
While they wreck my body and destroy my brain
Don't know a better way to get my kicks
So fuck it- I'm down for another fix

heart full of love

From: Michelle Angelina [blazeyadeadhomie61@gmail.com]
To: Micheal Wayne Sink [mikews@bellsouth.net]
Subject: please read this

Micheal Wayne:

If you knew how much it hurt me to write this, and you cared about me at all, you would cry. I can't seem to stop crying. You have been the center of my life for so fucking long that just the thought of averting my eyes breaks my heart. I love you- I don't think that will ever change. Sometimes I wish I could just wake up one morning and not give a flying fuck about you anymore, not care if you're happy or sad, not care if you're alive or dead, not care how you feel about me. But that's not going to happen. You have been EVERYTHING to me for going on 5 years now, and I can't just turn away. Believe me, I've tried. I love you more than I love myself- I can't help it. I will go to my grave with a heart full of love for my Micheal.

Having said that, I don't think we should see each other anymore, or even talk to each other. Reason One is your mom. I know she's your mom, I know you love her (regardless of whether you like her or not) and I know that blood is thicker than water. But you've proved time and time again that if it's HER or ME, I will lose. If you want to be with me, you can't betray me like you did tonight. If you give me something (or sell me something in exchange for dope, like you did with the iPOD), you can't ask for it back. And if you do ask for it back, and I say NO because I love it and you know it makes me happy and I finally got it fixed, be a fucking man about it, would you? Don't go crying to your mommy about it. I walk out the door thinking you are on my side, and I get totally humiliated when you defend her instead of me. When did you become all high and mighty? Weren't you asking me for dope an hour before? Weren't you shooting up MY dope in the Wendy's bathroom just yesterday (and the Winn Dixie bathroom, and the Farmer Girl bathroom)? Weren't you popping methadone on the bus because you were dopesick? Weren't you puking in the McDonalds parking lot just last night because you did too much H? Can you remind me again what makes you better than me?

You have hurt me too many times. I don't want you to call me again, because I won't answer. I don't want you to come and see me again, because I won't show up. I don't want you to ask me for dope again, because I won't get you any. Don't think this is because I don't love you. It's because I DO love you that I can't see you anymore. You go from telling me you want to get back together with me to turning on me over a stupid broken mp3 player overnight- I'm not emotionally stable enough to handle that shit! Do you know how close I am to killing myself? Do you know how fucking miserable and depressed I am over the situation with you? Do you know how much I want to say FUCK your mom, FUCK my mom, FUCK everybody and run away to some faraway land with you so we could be together forever? For five months I was dead inside, yearning to hear you tell me that you loved me. Now I want you to show it. Is that too much to ask? You haven't showed any love yet, except with your dick, and as much as I enjoyed that it's not enough to convince me that you really still care.

I have never loved anyone in the universe half as much as I love you, and I know I never will. You've ruined sex for me forever, because no one can ever make me feel the way you did when we slept together. Same thing with relationships. When I hug you, I feel this warmth and happiness that makes me want to laugh and cry and never let you go. When I hug somebody else, male or female, I pretend I'm hugging you so I don't pull away too quickly.

If you want to e-mail me back, do so, but don't try to contact me any other way. I wish there was a better way, a better solution, a happy ending. But happy endings only exist in Disney movies and Harlequin romances. This is the real world. The only thing I ask is that you never forget how much I love you. I know I can't forget, not ever.

yours beyond eternity(?)

Michelle Angelina ******

The thick white smoke makes me choke in ppain
While this Lake Worth funk spreads through my brain
So I break the law, but I'm not to blame
You only know my place, you don't know my name
So I break the fence, and I bend the steel
And I steal the car, and I grip the wheel
And I park the car, and I steal it again
Cause I really don't know what's happening
I wait for night to fall so I can go outside
But quickly run back in 'cause I don't wanna die
The Lake Worth air alone, it can corrupt your brain
The smoke fills the sky, enough to block the rain
And I pray to God to have me justified
Cause my eyes are glazed and my brain is fried
I don't have a name, I don't have a home
I don't wanna lay alone on a bed of stone
I see that death awaits me on this narrow path
But when I stop to think, I can only laugh
Because I'm not alone, it didn't take me long
To see that everyone's singing the same stoned-out song
Some say I'm real and some say I'm fake
But I really don't care 'cause it's far too late
You see, my body is weak and I'm losing breath
And with every shot I can taste the death
If I have to go, you better take me fast
Because I started under and I'm sinking fast
And when the ace of spades is missing from my deck
Then you'll know the dope has finally cut my neck
Hey, don't look now, but there he goes again
It's me and the Grim Reaper, best of friends
He's always hangin' around, waiting for me to die
We shot a game of pool- he's not a bad guy
Feel like I'm in the corner of a circle room
At about thirteen in the afternoon
And I still feel the strain, but as I walk along
I notice everyone's singing the same stoned-out song
If my time has come, then I'm ready to go
Shoot me in the face with your .44
And as I'm falling down to my sorry death
I'll laugh with my very last breath
Lose some, win some, that's how it goes
I've been down and out and taken many blows
But there ain't nothing here I've never seen before
I try to balance and they ask me to juggle some more
You wanna see the world, you wanna work in town
You wanna meet a man, you wanna settle down
You wanna raise a family in your own home
I wanna run with a crew from the ghetto zone
Well I could be right and I could be wrong
And if I ain't dead yet, then it won't be long
But it doesn't matter what side you're on
Tonight everyone sings the same stoned-out song

America is guilty because...

Saddam Hussein is dead! From reading and watching, I've gathered that there are 2 schools of thought surrounding this "tragedy" (if you can call it that).

School of Thought #1:
"That rat bastard deserved to die! Hanging was too good for him, he should have been tortured and murdered like all the innocent Iraquis and others that died under his rule!"

School of Thought #2:
"By killing Hussein we become no better than he is. Murder is never the answer, nobody deserves to die. Oh, and it's America's fault."

Call me a fucking staunch conservative if you want, but I agree with SoT #1. The world/society in general is better off with certain people dead. Does that mean he "deserved to die"? I'm not God, therefore I shouldn't be allowed to make that judgement. But in my personal opinion (and what else are blogs for)? YES! Kill the sum' bitch! I'm also sick of people blaming America for this shit. He was found guilty by the IRAQUI government, hung by the IRAQUI people. What does that have to do with us again? My dad says they have pre-written articles (written by mad lefties and commies, etc) that begin with "America is guilty because..." and then they just fill in the blanks. It's stupid but funny. The thing is that I'm pretty liberal in most of my views. I did vote for George Bush, but only because he was the "lesser of two evils" compared to Al Gore. Am I glad I voted for him? Not really, not that it would have made a difference, and now as a convicted felon I can't vote anyways. Hussein killed sooooooo many people, and that's okay just because he was put to death? Does hanging him make him a fucking martyr or something, absolve him of all his crimes? Fuck that! I think the death penalty is nothing but revenge gone wild, but sometimes revenge is NECESSARY as well as therapeutic. He's up there with Stalin, having killed millions- and now that he's dead, he will never be able to do it again. Never. So rah rah, Iraqui government. Those poor bastards over there deserve a better life anyways. I'm glad Hussein is dead.