Wednesday, October 17, 2007

then you decide

Dem updates be gettin' shorter 'n' shorter, no?

God, I wrote some funny fucking shit last night! I was bombed on delicious heroin and Valium and far far far too much mj and I was watching Me, Myself, and Irene when I decided to start writing. Was gonna type it up and post it when I got to the library but forgot the notebook. Whatever, it doesn't make any fucking sense anyway, although it is pretty fucking funny. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaah lordy I guess I'm still fucked up. It's fucking Greg's fucking fault! (note to self: too many effwords) He keeps bringing over weed and pressuring me to find people to buy some from. So I been smoking his guy's weed (oh yeah- and paying for it even though he gets to keep the bag and leaves me jack shit) which is decent, but then I found a dude who sold me a quarter for a dub (from Greg's dude we pay $30) and it was FIRE so I give Greg a little tiny bit since that's what he always does to me and he got all pissy. "Shelley, come on, what the hell is that? That's not even half a joint!" Not that we really smoke joints anymore, but it was still funny as hell. He has a little metal weedpipe that he's fallen in love with and my friend gave me a bong which is cool. Cigars, those I like. Mostly when I smoke weed it's in cigars. Hell, I've been doing more weed than heroin at this point. Sucks to be back on the shit, but whatever. I'm not doing lots (except last night, but what can I say) mostly just tiptoeing through $50 worth a day and not always finishing it that day either. I figure there is a middle ground between shooting 2 or 3 Benjamins in my arm every day and being sick and writhing in the bed, there must be, cause I'm doing it! At least for now... "but it gets worse. It always gets worse, addiction is a progressive disease.. That's right, the DISEASE of ADDICTION."

I realized I've never on here shared my views on "the DISEASE of ADDICTION and the Holiest of Holies, THE TWELVE STEPS." My views are that calling addiction is a disease is the biggest load of crap ever except for the twelve steps. So they've proven a genetic link- whoohoo. Everything that defines us is genetic- like how fat parents tend to have fat kids and red-headed parents tend to have red-headed kids. If you're fat and want to be skinny, it's not a genetic disease. If you're a junkie, and you don't want to be a junky anymore, it's not a disease. I read that one book that Oprah said she liked then later she said it was a lie, and fuck what Oprah says I liked it! Addiction isn't a disease. aids is a disease!!! If you have aids, you can't just walk into a smoky rented rooms with a bunch of charged-up folks and talk about having aids and expect it to get better. You can't choose to quit having aids, or go to a special aids center for 28 days where you talk about it and write about it and at the end of the month you're testing negative, or slow down your aids, or decide when you can't handle having aids anymore and you have to stop! Jesus! Addiction isn't a f***ing disease, addiction is a choice. Every time you pick up the needle or the beer or the prescription bottle or the rockpipe or the deck of cards or whatever the fuck it is, you make a choice. Am I gonna put this shit down and do something with my life? Or am I going to continue to live like a fucking pathetic loser? Then you decide. Addiction is nothing but a whole crapload of bad decisions all in a row.

I'll go into the Twelve Steps later. I hate them too.


sKILLz said...

I think when they say disease they mean that its always going to be with you.
Like even if we stop drugging were going to always think about it and have it in us at all times. Its just a matter of us not using it and acting on us having that craving or thought or whatever na mean?
I love me some good pot. Shit after a good shot, have a nice joint rolled up and great head from that shit.

Victoria Anne said...

I've never liked NA. I only went when it was required of me by rehabs and court systems. I considered it a waste of my fuckin' time.

As for the whole Greg thing? Dude you need to ditch his sorry ass. What's the good in keeping him around??? I seriously am dumbfounded as to why you haven't kicked him to the curb. Get to it!!

sKILLz said...

I too never really cared for NA. To me it sounds like a bunch of people complaining.