crazy baby

I never get to update anymore because Jaz doesn't let me go online. Seriously, she will be just chillin' or sleeping or someone else will be holding her, no problems at all- until I sit down at the computer. Then she starts howling like a freaking banshee. I've tried holding her in the sling so I can hold her and have my hands free to type, but for some reason she starts crying the minute I sit down in the computer chair. Weird huh? See, I want to make her a playlist for my ipod because in the hospital Greg and I discovered that she likes country music (especially Dolly Parton) but every time I touch the keyboard or the mouse, she goes off. I guess it's cause I'm not paying 100% attention to her, huh? So when I do get online it's always for a short short time so I don't bother coming on the blog. I go on my message boards or I download music on shareaza. Anyone who has emailed me, hah! I haven't checked that either. I guess since my real life got more hectic, my virtual life has taken a beating. Whatever, I'll get over it! :)

Even though she won't let me post, Jaz is a great, easy baby. She mostly only cries when there is a problem (or I'm not paying enough attention to her) such as wet diaper, hunger, bored, etc. She sleeps through the night, usually waking up only once. She hangs out and makes lots of happy noises. When she wakes up, she doesn't scream, instead she makes little "aah aah" noises to get my attention and let me know that she's awake without busting my eardrums. After all, I do sleep a couple inches away from her. :) I have a queen bed, so I put a small 'baby bed' in the middle of the bed and she sleeps there while I sleep on the side of the bed. The 'baby bed' is actually a pillow with cylindrical pillows velcro-ed [is there a word for 'attached with velcro'?] on each side so that I put the baby on the pillow and she can't roll out of it. I like sleeping next to her- it makes me feel safe and it keeps the voices quiet. But the baby bear... she's so good-natured. Except when she's taking a bath- then she freaks the fuck out. She'll get over it.

I'm doing good too, that has a lot to do with the fact that Jasmyne is doing good. I'm still clean amazingly enough. Well to be totally honest, the night before my first court case (last Tuesday) I left Jazzy with my folks for a couple hours and went to the local bar for some beers. I had 3 or 4 Bud Lights and bullshitted with some spanish guys who I met there. Two of them had babies at home also HAH so we talked about that mostly, and also that english is a harder language to learn than spanish (as a second language). I went to the bar because I figured I wouldn't be going anywhere for a while...

House arrest! Did I even write about that on here? My original court date was Tuesday, but it was re-scheduled to Friday, and now it's on Oct 31 so my lawyer can get the proper paperwork to get me "approved" for house arrest. [As we left the courtroom on Friday, I told my lawyer how last Halloween I was in jail and this Halloween I'll be in court.] I am pleading out my old-ass possession charge: 120 days house arrest, with a few exceptions. I can go to the 'done clinic every day, I can go to church on Sundays (weird that the prosecutor agreed to that huh?), I can go grocery shopping once a week, and I can go to all my and the baby's dr appointments. Not that bad, huh?

Time to feed crazy baby... :)

this was on my doorknob

I go outside to smoke a cig and find this lovely message hanging. It was actually an advertisement for water softener, listing the ways that hard water "robs" us... weird.

my birth story, or, oh sweet Jesus it hurt

This won't be long- I only got until the munchkin starts to cry and then I gotta go scoop her up. I call her 'baby bear' or 'bear cub' or sometimes just 'bear' although I'm not sure why. It's just that the first time I looked at her, I thought, "she's a little bear!" I also call her cuddlemonkey, wiggleworm or squirm-worm, barracuda (when she's being rough on my titty while eating), munchkin or little munch, little J, teddy, Jazzy-bear, and little nugget... probably other names too. My dad says she will never learn her own name, hah.

Anyways my birth story- 'twas quite painful. Got induced Thursday night with oxytocin but it wasn't doing shit so they took me off the drip and stuck something called cervadil into my twat. Started having BAD contractions around 2am and was given epidural, since I am a pussy when it comes to physical pain. Once that was working, I passed out and was awakened at about 9am with superbad contractions and an urge to push. My doc was called, then I was told to push which H-U-R-T!!!!!!!!!!! Oh sweet Jesus it hurt. I kept saying "no, I can't do it, I can't fucking do it, just stop and cut me open, cut my stomach open and pull that kid out, I can't fucking push any goddamn more!" Yep, I was whining like a little bitch- screaming too. Dr told me that if I pushed her head a little bit out he could pull her the rest of the way but I couldn't do it. Greg yelled at me to push and I punched him in the stomach. I pushed as hard as I could (screaming at the top of my lungs at the same time) and felt something warm and slippery come out... then something heavy and wet was thrown on my stomach. I look down and see a small, bloody, naked human being wiggling around on my belly and say my first words to my daughter...

..."no fucking way!"

I know, not exactly the right way to welcome a baby into the world, but I was so shocked. Yeah, of course I knew that labor would lead to an infant, no shit, but I wasn't ready for it. I can't really explain what I mean here without sounding stupid like "der, I didn't realize that 9 months of pregnancy would result in a baby, derrr" but whatever. Then I was in so much goddamn pain that I didn't even want to look at her, much less hold her. Greg (who was there the whole time and was AWESOME to me!!!!!!!) was holding her after the nurses had cleaned her up and put a diaper, the way he was looking at her made me very happy- still does, actually. : ) I didn't have any episiotomy or tears or stitches, but it still hurt like a mofo and I was bleeding a LOT and my stomach/abdomen was killing me and my legs both had charley-horses and I was shaking all over... basically I was not a happy camper.

The nurses then gave me my 90mg of methadone, plus some kind of narcotic painkiller (I didn't ask what it was). The combination got me pretty high, I think it's because I had been sharing my dose with the little munch the whole time and now all 90mg were going to me and to me alone, plus the other dope whatever it was. I started to feel better, at least until I got up to go pee which burned like gonorrhea (well I've never had gonorrhea but I do have an imagination). It was about 30 minutes after I was given the dose that I was able to finally hold the baby. I was fucking amazed at her, but I wasn't overwhelmed by love- she was a total stranger, just a really tiny helpless-looking one. I had expected her to be ugly since I was told that all newborns are ugly, but she was actually pretty. I figured that she was just pretty to me since she was my kid, but others have said the same thing so I guess she was a good-looking newborn. Later I saw other kids that were 1 day old or less and they were mostly weird-looking so I felt special.

Okay the kid is crying so I will continue this later... to be continued!

here's some baby pics ya damn whiners!!

I will write the whole story- including the very painful (but apparently normal) birth, the tales of the neonatal intensive care unit, and the incredible fact that Jaz had NO withdrawal symptoms whatsoever (in yo' FACE, haters!)- later. Right now y'all just get pictures, which I assume will satisfy everyone's curiosity for now. The hat she is wearing in the first pic- that is from Melody. The man-hands you see near her face in the first three pics- that is probably the most you will ever see of Greg on this blog. I have not slept for more than a couple hours at a time since Thursday, it is me and Jasmyne's first day home and the baby is asleep so I shall be going to bed now too. Breastfed baby in cloth diapers- it's not as hard as everyone said it would be, aside from no sleep and sticking my hand in the toilet.

Can I say once more, to my fans and even more to my haters: Jasmyne Rose Moreau suffered ABSOLUTELY NO WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS from the methadone, and had NO other drugs in her system!!!!!! Also, DCF interviewed me for about 5 minutes and then immediately closed the case against me. I bet my haters are just grindin' their teeth over that shit... ha ha! My baby is healthy and the state trusts me! Hooray for me and Jaz!

It's a girl (2)

Jasmyne Rose, born Sep. 26, 2008 at 11:15 a.m. 7lbs 10oz, 19 inches. APGAR score 9.9 out of a perfect 10, which no baby gets. Mama currently breastfeeding. Praise the Lord!

Michelle's Mama

It's a girl!

full amateur spa treatment

So, less than 24 hours to go...

I am pretty excited and scared, excited because the pregnancy will FINALLY be over and scared because I am such a pussy when it comes to physical pain. All that emotional-pain shit, I might get upset but then I get over it real fast. But I won't even pick up the half-gallon of milk with my right arm because I'm scared it will dislocate and that shit hurts so bbbAAAddd!!! I like the fact that the kid doesn't have any methadone in her system (according to a clean amnio test) and hopefully with have NO withdrawal symptoms. It's like God is giving us a pass because I did everyfuckingthing I could.

I was trying to make myself pretty today since I am facing a 6-day hospital stay for 'observation' which I'm not really looking forward to. It's partly because of the 'done and partly because I am high risk for postpartum depression, I guess that's because I am psychotic in every other regard. I tend not to be depressed though, I go the other way into "severe mania with audial and visual hallucinations" hah! :) Anyways, I got the "full amateur spa treatment" which means I gave myself a pedicure (I can't barely reach my feet), Greggie cut/filed/painted my nails (and let me tell you, he is much better at manly things than girly things like nail-painting, hahaha), and my mom cut my hair (she usually cuts my hair and dyes it too). I just appreciate that they tried, plus I like the kinda choppiness of my hair and my nails and toes look good to me. If I cared *that* much I'd go get my shit done professionally, but it's just not that big of a deal. I don't wear makeup either.

I wanted to say thanks, mostly to Greg and my family [side note: to the person who asked, Greg and my parents get along VERY WELL, shit when he comes over to the house he talks to them almost as much as he talks to me, I gotta get him alone to get his attention, haha; also while I am in the hospital he has blanket permission to come to my parent's house to eat or shower or whatever so he doesn't hafta go all the way home; my parents trust him which says a lot because they hate *everyone* that I like!] for being so damn supportive of me while I have been a fat lazy whiny bitch who has her own room but still insists on sleeping on the couch while people want to watch TV. :) More thanks to friends who even though I have not spent time with in person, they have helped me out a lot: ELLIOTT of course (who runs da souf bitch!), Melody (my bestest internet 'waist-up' girlfriend), Diamond and Dezirae (for being awesome in general), the folks on opiophile.org (well most of y'all at least), the people at my church (who of course don't know that this blog exists) and all my online friends. Also, thanks to the gracious woman who gave me the jasmine plant- I know you don't want to be named on this blog, but you know who you are- thank you. Y'all kick ass, and not just because you hang with me.

I wanted to say something about the person who "prefers to remain anonymous" (instead of just "promoting themselves and their blogs", that's kind of funny since just about everyone who comments with their blog link already has a link from my site anyways, hah). People say not to respond to her dumbness (I'm pretty sure she is female) and I did anyways, but I'm not going to anymore. I'll still respond to the more literate of the haters, but that girl can't really be grouped with "the haters" ya know? She isn't hating, I think in her own strange way she is trying to help me out. It's just that what she says doesn't apply at all, and that's not her fault. She thinks she knows a lot more about my situation (and apparently my relationship) than she actually does. But to quote the NAzis, "if it doesn't apply, let it fly." If someone was posting about how I could improve my soybean crop, I'd ignore them too because it doesn't apply to my situation at all and therefore it's not advice I can use.

Same idea for the man-hater, which is a good name for her. She's not really a Michelle-hater, she obviously was taken advantage of and hurt by some asshole dude (as we all know, this planet has no shortage of asshole dudes) and now thinks that any woman who loves any man is bound to end up like she did. But it's just not true. I defended Greg more that I defend myself on here, but he doesn't need defending on this blog and neither does our relationship. I know he loves me, he knows I love him, we both know where we stand, and age ain't nothin' but a number.

Well, I am OUTTIE and when I return, I shall post pictures of the munchkin!