finally, right? wtf?

Been busy, not really too busy to update. Just too lazy. Whatever, not like I'm getting paid for this or anything. Plus I have shit to do all weekend.

So, I started culinary school. I go 4 days a week in the afternoons, and Jazzie goes to daycare. She picks up every cold and every flu and every virus and gives it to me. I then can't even attend class without hydromet cough syrup so I end up with a bottle of that a month (and I might need another for Monday) because I will get thrown out of class for coughing. Lame. It works really well though. School is awesome. I love to play around with recipes in that enormous well-stocked kitchen, with their Meyer lemons and Hungarian paprika and 5000-year-old pink Himalayan mountain salt. Everyone at my entire school smokes pot, which I think is hilarious. I think my chef does, and he's a Chinese man in his 60s. My chef (my teacher) is awesome, we make tons of delicious food and I love everything about school except the bus.

I don't always have to take the bus, but since I don't get my stupid govt-issued driving permission slip until March (and even then, just the hardship license since it's been over a year since my non-driving felony conviction and I am almost eligible) I have to take it home from school often. It took me a while to figure out the best route from the school to my house. At first I was waiting 25 minutes for a connection, which was lame. Also that bus was just filled with smelly Haitians. Before anyone says "racism!" you gotta understand that I live in South Florida, filled with Haitians, and that no amount of sensitivity training in the world is gonna change the fact that these people constantly reek of fish, vinegar, and fetid garbage. I was waiting for my bus at [whatever] sitting on a divided bench, and an older Haitian man comes and sits right next to me. Not on the other side of the divider, not on one of the 3 empty nearby benches, but rubbing up against me so that his vinegar stank was touching my school clothes. Barf. He asked me what my name was, I said Leslie or Lola or something with an L. Then he asked if I was single. DOUBLE BARF! I told him I was married with three kids, which I figured was four problems too many to overcome. Then I got up and got the hell away from him. The smell was really bad. But other than Haitians, I don't mind the bus much. I don't really have to focus on anything like I do during the rest of my life, I can smoke at the bus stops, and now that I've figured out the proper route I don't have to smell any stinky people on my whole ride.

My daughter is awesome. She's almost 17 months now and not as chunky as she used to be. She walks by herself (kind of a penguin waddle, but fast), she goes to the potty every morning, she says sentences (example: "I drink it all"), she loves Dora the Explorer and Go Diego Go but hates Ni-Hao Kai-Lan (which is a pretty annoying show), she eats so many different delicious healthful foods, she puts her toys away when she's done, she loves to empty cabinets and drawers, she has tantrums all over the floor, she giggles when you touch her, she's afraid of guys and doctors, she loves to play with blocks, her favorite food is a cracker, she's still allergic to soy, and she's finally growing a little bit of hair!

Words that Jazzie can say include, but are not limited to: mama, grandpa, abuela, ball, block, cracker, hi, hello, bye, no, mine, yeah, yum, dora, map, backpack, orange, color, walk, park, shoes, dog, woof, meow, bird, up, oh no, uh oh, cheese, bread, drink, juice, panda, want, shit, poop, boob, now, more, and tickle.

Being clean is awesome. I got 2 years this month, by my rules of course. :) I don't do any of those bullshit meetings, but instead when I want to get high I man the fuck up and don't do it. That disease crap is all crap anyway.

I met a dude. He's actually in jail at the moment, but he's awesome. I met him when he was dating my neighbor, and she called the cops on him and said that he was beating her. I don't believe for a second that he was beating her. My neighbor also said that a friend of ours stole $300 from her and held her daughters head underwater, and that someone broke in and took a safe containing $700, and that someone else got arrested for having dirty needles all over the apartment, and that she got in a car accident and told the cop she was on roxys and the paramedics did a scoliosis test to determine whether or not she needed to be prescribed roxys, and a host of other fantastic stories which throw her trustworthiness into question. So yeah, he didn't beat her. But he is really sexy and a lot like me (scary huh).

Yesterday I went to the zoo with baby brother (who is here for the weekend) and our friend Rick and Jazzie of course. Jazzie loves to walk around the zoo and mimic all the animal noises. We had lunch at the overpriced zoo cafeteria, where I discovered that my kid won't eat french fries or chicken nuggets. Won't even TRY french fries or chicken nuggets, or for that matter hot dogs either. She wanted her yogurt, raisins, blueberries and pieces of cheddar cheese. I guess I've done a good job feeding her healthy, but she wouldn't even taste a french fry. What kind of a weird toddler?

I wanted to do this sort of general update so that I could update my boring daily stuff more often.

I'd take another month of his screaming asshole friends

I was gonna post about lots of things, but one by one I forgot what they were. Go figure, right? But now it's 4:38am and I don't feel like making this long, since I have a long car ride ahead of me and I want as much new music on my ipod as possible so I don't get bored. So while Shareaza is my first priority, this must be updated because I am leaving for Gainesville today and when I get back I want to talk about me trip. Lucas is going back to school (UF) and my mama is driving him, and she asked if I wanted to go with for the trip. Basically we are just dropping him off at his apartment (he's living off campus this semester, his first apartment which means no one will be "looking out" or coming in once a week to clean his bathroom and empty the trash) and then me and moms are going to a motel for the night and maybe we will do something else, I will write about it upon my return. I am gonna miss my little bro soooo fucking much! I'd take another month of his screaming asshole friends if it meant he got to stay here another month... : (

Anyways I stopped smoking pot which I guess is good. Greggie is helping keep me in check with that cause there's no hiding shit from him. He always knows what I'm trying to hide, which can get on my nerves but it can actually be a good thing. I figure after the munchkin is born, I can decide what I want to do then although maybe being "weedless" is better. Guess I'll find out.

The "hurricane" turned out to be nothing, although a tornado touched down in the suburb where I live (not that far from me actually). It took down a bunch of horse barns (there are tons of equestrians and polo players in my parents suburb), when I saw the damage I was sad because I thought that the horses might have gotten killed or hurt. Turns out that no horses were harmed, hooray! What I saw during the storm was buckets of rain for half a day. Driving to the methadone clinic sure was crazy though- I thought the wind was gonna flop the car right over. Everyone was driving 30mph, with their blinkers/brights on, and in the left lane. Any car who attempted the right or even center lane ended up driving through retardedly large puddles- also getting "stuck" behind the 3 or 4 cars that I saw stalled out in the middle of a road-lake over there. They must've flooded their undercarriages, hah! But I have shown my superior driving skills if I can make it through that- fuck not having a "permission slip," I am one of the safest drivers I know!

On the forum I hang out at, someone spewed a bunch of hate at me... started a whole thread about it. Have these people not figured out that that type of shit doesn't bother me? In fact I like the attention- yeah I'm a total attention whore, so is anyone with a "tell-all" blog, who cares. The funniest thing about that forum is that if any given member dislikes any other member, they will actually give a psychiatric diagnosis- because after all, reading lies that people post is the best way to figure out their medical problems. My "diagnosis" was borderline personality disorder, which I thought was great. If you want to see what was written (it is pretty funny) go here:
http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=18288
I don't know if it will work because it's on a "private" part of the forum actually. If non-members could let me know if that link works, cause it obviously works for me but I am a member. One thing about this guy- at least he posted his flame with a username instead of anonymously over here. I guess that shows he has at least one testicle right?

Send more money!

all that goth-y makeup and red scars

Finally hooked up with some pot. Took long enough! I was ready to go knock Ghetto White Boy's door down, he keeps saying he's getting it "tommorow". Oh well, money spent elsewhere.

This morning at John Prince Park I fed a squirrel a crapload of Corn Pops. I kept throwing cereal closer and closer to my feet, at first it didn't even want to eat them but once it tasted one, it came after 'em. Near the end, squirrel was like half an inch from my shoe just to grab some sugary snacks. Got that little ratty-rat hooked! The way squirrels eat is so cute, Greg took some pics but I know how he is so I won't get them for a minute. :)

BAD accident tonight on Lake Worth Road and Military Trail. Greg and I were riding and there was a little white car all smashed to hell and ambulances and police all over the place blocking the intersection. Shoulda seen it.

Dark Knight came out last night, which means that Chevy Boy is already trying to sell me a copy where you can hear the people in the audience better than the people on the screen. Good thing I saw it last night at the drive-in. Heath Ledger with all that goth-y makeup and red scars, acting all crazy? He couldn't be any hotter. Too bad he's dead... he overdosed on medication that he was put on after locking himself in a motel room for a couple weeks reading nothing but Joker comics. Getting into the role of psychotic killer didn't agree with his brain chemistry, I guess, making Heath Ledger the first real-life victim of the imaginary Joker! Weird to think about, huh?

Why is Young Jeezy the snowman? Why does he close shop, do his count, then hide the rest of the yams at his auntie's house? What the fuck are yams? Why is DJ Paul from Three 6 Mafia hustlin' hay? I don't get these "obscure" drug references in rap songs. It's not like if they were straight out with what they were talking about, someone would lock them up. If you're gonna rap about being a drug dealer, it's better to just be straight-out with it, like when Jay Z says "we the dope boys of the year, drinks is on the house." I don't understand what's so goddamn cool about being a d-boy anyways. Yes, it's necessary that someone in each 'hood fills the position, and you can make a lot of money with it. No shit. But being a pharmacist isn't considered cool, and that's bascially the same idea: people approach you when they need some sort of drugs, and you exchange cash for it which doesn't necessarily go to you but you do end up paid at the end of the day.

"the t-o-p to the d-o-g, or the p-o-t to the g-o-d, and I'm trippin' " -Kid Rock

Yeah, I listen to some lame music... what can ya do.

don't let anyone poop on our party

It's hard to believe that I'm gonna get any bigger and more awkward in my movement. I can't get up into Greggie's camper anymore without a boost from him or an extra step under the back bumper, I have trouble getting up off the floor, I can't get comfortable enough to sleep without waking up 4 or 5 times a night, and I can't go 2 hours without having to pee, and fuck I'm huge! I'm getting so sick of being pregnant it's not even funny. And I can't drink! I didn't realize that teetotaling would bother me so much, but it does. It's not even heroin I'm craving (as much) anymore, it's a margarita filled with Padron ... or maybe a Jager-bomb ... or a couple of straight-up shots of Southern Comfort. Mmmmmmmm, alcohol. I can't fucking wait for this kid to be born- I deserve ONE booze-fueled night with my man, as long as I can find a good baby sitter. The good part is that if I have Greg with me, he'll keep me from over-indulging and from acting a fool when I get drunk. I haven't drank in so long, I bet 3 frozen drinks will put me in a good place. I wanna get drunk. Fuck other drugs- I want my alcohol! My birthday is on Sunday and I'm gonna throw caution to the wind and have ONE frozen drink. That's right haters- that wasn't a typo. I figure since I've only drank two (2) beers and no (0) liquor-drinks in five (5) months or more, one cold refreshment won't kill me or the baby. Who knows, she might even enjoy it.

Another bitch: my parents are leaving for a week, AND it's gonna be my birthday week, and Greggie refuses to spend the night with me at the house! "Your parents said I couldn't" he says, as if they are gonna be able to enforce it. But he's gonna be like that anyways, letting people HIS OWN AGE tell him what to do. He's always kissing my parents' asses, even when they aren't home. I wish he'd just do what I want, that he obviously wants to do as well. Don't even deny your true feelings, boo... you don't wanna listen to those spoilsports. Don't let anyone poop on our party- you know you want some fat freaky preggo sex in the comfort of the A/C!!!!

I payed $5 to get into kiddie movies every Tuesday all summer. Today I watched Shrek 3 for the first time (I also haven't seen Shrek 2) and it was stupid but fun. I got a thing about cartoons- all cartoons, except for Nick Jr (especially those obnoxious Wonder Pets!) because that stuff isn't cool if you're over the age of five- so $5 seemed like a good investment. Next week they are playing The Water Horse, which I absolutely refuse to watch. It's a movie about a sea monster! For those of you who don't know, I am terrified of boating, cruises, deep water, scuba diving, etc because of sea monsters, which do so exist. Folks have been seeing and reporting sea monsters as far back as we can find! Were they ALL full of shit? I don't think so... and that water horse is one scary sucka.

It took me 4 hours to finish writing this because I cannot fucking sit still no matter how hard I try. I'm smoking tons of weed in an attempt to even myself out, but I'm still fookin' krasy!

year-and-a-half-old candy bars

I'm really stoned on this freaky weed, so forgive if any of the following makes no sense:

I got in a mini car accident today on the way to the methadone clinic. My little bro drove me on over, but he usually stays up until past 5am playing with his little nerdy faggot friends (and they don't know how to shut the fuck up either- I've already threatened violence, I'm gonna look like full of shit if I don't hit one of 'em real soon) so he was falling asleep at all the red lights. I kept having to wake him up when all the cars moved and we stayed put. So I drove back so he could not kill us both, and my liscense is so taken away from me so I'm not supposed to be driving anywhere. Yet, I drove. And we were almost home, all the way at ***** Blvd and ***** Trace and I had to turn left but the left arrow light was red so I pulled up to the red light and I just chilled there, waiting for it to be green. Then WHAM we got hit by some car behind us.

I figured the asshole was gonna call the cops, and here I am driving on a suspended license. Lucas of course was awake by this point, and he and I decided to switch seats real quick. Then the lady who just hit us runs over to the window as we were switching, and she's all like, "I'm so sorry please don't call the cops I don't have a drivers license your car is fine I can see it." I ran outside and checked the back bumper, and it was crazy (because my brother drives a car about as sturdy as a tin can) but there wasn't even a scratch on it. The girl's car was fucked though- the whole corner was up and the headlight was smashed to hell. Lucas was like, "well at least I'm awake now, I'll give ya that." So, the mini accident was totally not my fault! I got hit from behind at a red light- not guilty.

Also, me and Greg bought a Baby Ruth bar at a gas station and the wrapper was some sort of contest winner- for a contest that ended on 5/10/07. I can't figure out which is worse, a gas station selling year-and-a-half-old candy bars, or that I ate one of 'em. Gross.

allergic to tap water

You guys ready for a shock? Okay, check it- I'm a member of the First Baptist Church of Wellington. Me, Shelley, in church every Sunday... and all without bursting into flame. I guess if I had been a member the whole time I was working the streets and whatnot, I'd be one fuck of a hypocrite. But I just started going a couple months ago, and became an official "church member" just 3 weeks ago. One of those pics that was posted last week is from when I was called up by Pastor Townsend to announce in front of the congregation that I would like to be a member of their church and whatnot- it's the picture that was obviously taken in a church, strangely enough :)

After graduating from Victory Christian Academy (an all-girls Baptist boarding school- the kind of place that puts the "mental" in fundamentalism) in which I had to attend 3 seperate church services a day, I had decided that I had listened to enough people tell me that I was going to hell without being washed in the blood enough times to make up for every Sunday for the remainder of my life. I figured sitting in church 21 times a week was above and beyond the call of duty, even for the most pious of Christians.

So, I was through forever- until I got knocked up, and actually started thinking about having and raising a little kid. I decided that I want my daughter to grow up in church, and when she's an adult she can decide if she wants to continue going or not. I figured that since I'm "lukewarm" in the whole God department, I don't want my kid to grow up confused or worse, an atheist. Atheists are stupid- agnostics at least admit they don't know, but atheists can be just as obnoxious, self-righteous, and cocksure as the most annoying of religious folk. "There is no God, because there is no proof of God." Well, then how do you explain, I dunno... everything? The laws of physics that make the world work, the suspiciously perfect distance our planet is from the sun, photosynthesis, miles of intestines all serving a purpose, eyes, even a scab on your knee for fuck's sake! You put a hole in living skin, the hole will eventually be gone because of the processes of your body and it's taken for granted, but when you stop and consider it- wow. It's all amazing, and while scientists may figure out HOW these things work, they still haven't managed to answer WHY they work. Atheists think that "evolution" is the answer to why- even though they have no proof at all that all species evolved from a common ancestor. Hell, they don't have proof that anything ever became anything else! Yes, there are extinct animals that share attributes with known living species- so what? All that shows is that a similar animal died off, not that it was an "earlier evolutionary form". Bunch of fuckin' retards, those Darwin folk. Damn, I could go on for days on this topic (I actually did my senior report on "evolution vs creation" in high school) and I'm not gonna bother, cause it will take too long and I'm trying to focus on downloading songs from Shareaza for my shiny new ipod!

Yep, shiny new ipod. My birthday is next Sunday and my folks are getting me a music player because I want one and also because they are sick of me playing music on youtube or playlist.com where they are forced to listen to it. My father is more easygoing, but my mom already decided that any form of entertainment (movies, tv shows, music, etc) that I like is disgusting and terrible. And of course, whatever my mom says my dad supports. I can't blame 'em for that- they are married, and I'd expect my husband to stand behind me in any disagreement. But anyways, I went with my dad to Circuit City to pick out the ipod today, although I won't receive it until next week. It's not a nano- it's 80MB and it's black and it will hold either 20,000 songs or 100 hours of video. The best part of having a music player- downloading music! I'm using Shareaza but it's the same as it used to be when Napster was free and super-contraversial and I used to sit up on Napster going click click click clickclickclick click clickclickclick all night long. I only got 2 songs so far (Inside the fire by Disturbed and Instigator by D12... weird, both songs start with I and both bands start with D, I didn't notice that till just now) but then, I just started fucking with it 10 minutes ago while typing here.

Ah, you know what I hate? People who "don't drink tap water" or even worse, are "allergic to tap water." HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Allergic to tap water! I swear I heard that from a 40 year olod man once. What the hell did he do for the first 25-30 years of his life? He's still alive, so he must have drank it- and he's still alive! Imagine that. My favorite thing to do to bottled-water snots? Pour out one of their bottles and refill it with tap water, then wait till they've drank all the bottles. I've done that to 25+ people, and not ONE has been able to tell the difference between their precious Evian and what comes out of the shower, if they are the same temperature. It's just another way to be a pretentious asshole. Just like only eating "organic" vegetables- don't even get me started on that bullshit. I think it's less about what actually goes into your body and more about other people's opinions about what goes into your body. Either that, or they are straight up deluded by the commercials and honestly don't realize that bottled water is somebody's tap water in a bottle and organic peppers are regular peppers with the pesticide washed off and a "certified organic" sticker on the side.

Anyways, I'm absofuckinglutely on a manic streak: loud voices in my head, constant energy, waking up lots of times at night, super-realistic scary nightmares, panic attacks/seizures, short attention span, can't shut the fuck up, shaking, can't sit still for a second (shoulda seen me in church this morning!), bright colors, all of it. The pills the ob/gyn gave me mixed with the grass take the edge off, but not for long. I'm smoking way too much grass right now anyways, but it is keeping me from smoking as many Newport 100s. Which is worse for us, menthols or fat jays? I'd say the cigs are worse cause of the fiberglass. You know that I wouldn't stop typing ever if I didn't force myself to wrap this up right now? I could go on and on and on and on about absolutely fucking nothing, and I could go for hours. Hell, being manic is a hell of a lot better than being on the other side- it's like a good speed rush without the actual drug being involved. I'm not looking forward to the crash into sadness and sickness at the end of the crazy run.

that makes it ok to point guns at a pregnant girl

No more excuses, no more bullshit. I am gonna start updating AT LEAST twice a week and hopefully more often than that. I've just been going through a lot of bullshit, mostly caused by my psych issues ("manic-paranoid schizophrenia" and "rapid cycling bipolar disorder") and also I haven't been feeling good physically. So, haven't updated much. I tried to once, when I was totally under attack by the voices, but I couldn't come up with a coherent sentence and babbled on and on and on about absolutely nothing. And I already babble and make no sense, so imagine! Then I started having anxiety attacks that manifested them as seizures, so my ob put me on a pill called hydroxyzine which he said acts kind of like a weak version of valium but doesn't affect the baby at all- very cool. Mixed with a little grass, it works wonders! So now I shall make an attempt to write. The following isn't in any real order, since I forgot the order- it's just the important and/or interesting things that have gone down in the 3 weeks that I have neglected my blog, and the internet in general:

Last entry, I said that one of the bats had died. Well, just a couple days later my mom found 3 more dead bats and so we all got scared of rabies. Being an emotional basket case lately (pregnancy hormones + barely suppressed drug addiction + psychiatric problems = a very very crazy little girl), the last thing I wanted was for the all the bats to be killed. I love watching the little squeaky stinkmonsters (or stinky squeakmonsters?) flap around, and the sound they make comforts me when I'm feeling scared and stressed out, which lately is a lot of the time. So we decided that if more bats started dropping dead, we'd call animal control and let 'em test the bat corpses but if no more died we'd keep our mouths shut. And guess what? No more bat bodies! If it was rabies, they'd be dropping like flies so we all feel safe. After all, we can't have rabid flying animals lodging in our backyard.

Jasmyne, my unborn baby, is mad healthy! I'm having some problems, but not her. While I was chilling with Greg at the drive-in, she started actually dancing within me. You could see my stomach moving from the outside- it was cool! My little white girl is gonna dance better than all the... well, all the others! She is over 3 pounds now, and I weigh almost 155!!!!! I have never been this fat before, so it's kinda discouraging. But, it is what it is.

Speaking of the drive-in, Greg and I are there (Lake Worth Drive-In Theater) every single weekend now. It's awesome because I hate regular movie theaters: you can't talk but you gotta listen to others running their mouths, you can't bring in your own food, you can't smoke (cigs or weed), you can't drink booze, you can't have a cooler with you, you can't take off your shirt if it gets too hot, and it costs a fortune. None of these things apply at the drive-in (it costs $6 instead of the average $9+ at regular theaters), so for the first time in years I'm up-to-date with the new movies instead of having to wait until they hit DVD. So far we have seen: The Happening, The Incredible Hulk (Lucas came with me and Greg to see this one, and we all 3 got stoned and had a great time), Zohan, Kung Fu Panda, Sex and the City, Get Smart, the new Indiana Jones, and definitely other stuff that I don't remember. My favorite out of all those is Get Smart (that shit was over the top hilarious) and my least favorite was Sex and the City. I've never seen one single episode of that show, we only watched it because it was on after Zohan and we didn't feel like leaving yet, and I don't think I have ever used the phrase "petty bitches" that many times in a 2-hour movie and had it apply each and every time- what an obnoxious man-bashing pile of crap!

Next story takes place in Boynton Beach at the park where Greg and his friend Hector and I like to congregate and bullshit, smoke, fish, eat sandwiches, and hang out. It was about 10pm when Hector left, and I was hurting (if I stand and/or walk for too long without resting, I get B A D cramps in my lower abdomen which go away when I sit or lay down for a little bit) so Greg and I went into the camper to relax. We weren't fucking, or getting high, or planning on spending the night there- basically we weren't doing shit wrong. But just as I was climbing into the camper, I seen a long white van and said to Greggie, "there's a van out here going slow, looks like one of those wannabe buses the Mexicans ride in" or something to that effect. I went into the camper where Greggie was already laying down and shut and locked the door. Less than 5 minutes later, we hear BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG "POLICE!! OPEN UP NOW!!"

Okay, so even though we weren't doing fuck wrong, I'll admit it: those cops scared the living shit outta me. We opened the door to see 6 Boynton cops with their guns drawn, like we had just robbed a fucking bank or something. I was shaking scared- when I'm shooting up and turning tricks all day long, I'm kind of expecting something like this to happen. But I haven't been in trouble since last year (save one old-ass warrant that JUST got brought up in April) and a police-issue .45 in my face was the last thing I expected to see. They separated us and asked questions: "Who is this man to you?" my boyfriend "How long have you been together?" going on 2 years now "What is his full name?" Greg ****** "Whose truck is this?" his "What were you guys doing back there?" relaxing- I'm 6 months pregnant and sometimes I get tired of standing.

I gave him my ID and they let us sit together (out of the goodness of their little hearts, I suppose... the bastards) while they proceeded to search the entire truck and camper with no reason and no permission. Apparently the park was only open until 10pm, and it was (gasp!) 1013pm when they saw us climbing into the back. I guess that makes it ok to point guns at a pregnant girl- being 13 minutes late to leave a park and all. I asked Greg (NOT the cops, although I didn't whisper) if he had given permission for them to search, and all the cops started screaming at me at once. "Okay you wanna play it that way? Then you're under arrest. We're gonna tow your truck, Mr. ******, because of your girlfriend's smart mouth."

Greg immediately sprang to my denfense: "she's pregnant and kind of emotional, she wasn't trying to be rude, she was just asking her boyfriend a question, you don't really have the right to yell at her like that when neither one of us have done a damn thing wrong, there aren't even any signs saying what time the park closes, leave my girl alone, you got no reason to be upsetting her like that." I guess one of the cops smelled a harrassment complaint in that, because he told his boys to lay off on me and just finish searching the truck and let us go with not too many more threats. One funny thing though- the cops found our bag of pot, which was obvious because the container with the bag and our elephant-shaped bowl had been moved to the center of the floor and was re-arranged, and didn't say word one or take it or anything. I guess they knew that they were performing an illegal search, although I bet if it was coke or heroin they would've taken us both in and let the law sort itself out later.

Also funny: last year I got arrested for running from Lake Worth cops and the charge was "resisting arrest without violence." When the cops ran my name to check for warrants (after pointing out that my driver license was suspended and asking Greg if he was aware of that, hah), they referred to me as a "combatant" because of my "history of fighting cops." HAHAHAHA!!!! One of the cops asked me, "you like fighting with cops, huh?" I answered, "I ran once" and he asked, "how far did you get?" Only one way to respond to that: "Not very far." But it's still funny- combatant! "Calling for backup, get the SWAT team over here right away! We got ourselves a combatant, and she looks like she's pregnant!" Buncha fucking assholes, walking around with a gun in one hand and their dick in the other. That's why so many of 'em wear their badges on those gold ropes around their necks: they need their hands free to wave their tiny pricks around the city.

Next: another harrassment story, but it wasn't cops this time. It was some random black asshole making threats. Me and Greggie were in West Palm Beach, sleeping in the back of the camper (we both have houses, but if we want to spend the night together it has to be in the truck so we occasionally camp out) and it was like 3am. I was woken up by someone banging on the [locked] camper door and asking if he could come in. I told him to go away, we were sleeping, which made sense because we have some "friends" in that area and sometimes they come over when they see the truck and will go away if we ask nice. But this guy didn't go away- instead he started banging harder, waking Greg up. It was obviously a black guy, and he was trying to set us up by getting us to open the door, then he would have tried to rob us or hurt us. In other words, he was a nigger- a low class, violent, thuggy black person. Greg told him that he wasn't gonna open the door, and then the threats started. "I want my money, y'all better open this door, don't think I'm playing, I'll cut you both up right now, open the fucking door white boy or I'll cut all 4 tires."

At this point, we realized we were dealing with a violent asshole. Greg was watching him through the curtained windows while I listened to the threats. Once he said the thing about the tires, I told Greg to call the cops on him. After all, we weren't doing shit wrong, and Greg said he saw. So Greg called 911 and explained the situation, calling the violent asshole a "black gentleman who has decided that my girlfriend and I owe him money and plans to take it out on my truck tires." The "black gentleman" started cussing us out, but left when he realized that Greg was really and truly on the phone with the cops. West Palm Beach police showed up, banging on the door just like they did in Boynton although we were the ones who just called. Is that the only way they can knock? When a cop goes to visit his grandma for Thanksgiving dinner, does he bang on the door like he's trying to bust it down? BANG BANG BANG "Grandma, it's me! Open up! BANG BANG BANG. Gay! That's really it for that story.

Except for the fact that I'm scared of nothing a lot of the time and hear crazy voices in my head begging me to do ONE LAST SHOT of heroin, that's it. Been clean and sober (not counting pot and my prescribed 'done) the whole time, and doing lots of research on the baby stuff. Also, I need a lawyer for my upcoming felony case (ya know, the one from a long time ago that they are just now pissing and moaning about) so if anyone knows any GOOD criminal lawyers in South Florida... well, please let me know. Thanks!

No replies to the comments today- this has gone on long enough, I think. Just know that I love all of you readers, even the meanest of the haters, because you all make me feel popular which is of course the most important thing in my life. Hah! I wish...

that lemon-sucking-lookin' old hag

I'm having a girl!

Just found it out on last week's ultrasound. I'm 23 weeks (damn near 6 months!), the baby is at 1 pound 12 oz and extremely active and healthy, my stomach is ENORMOUS (I've never weighed over a buck thirty-five in all my 22 years on earth, and now I'm close to a buck fifty!), and the baby is almost definitely female. I wanted a girl right from the start, when I first learned I was pregnant- well, maybe not right away, more when I first accepted that I was pregnant and had to do something about it besides shooting heroin and hoping everything would work out ok. I'm gonna name her Jasmyne- Jazzie or Jaz would be the nickname, which I like also. I should be happy about all this...

...but for some reason I'm not. I'm starting to seriously resent this little girl, and she isn't even born yet. I suppose that makes me a bad person, and honestly I don't care one way or another if folks think I'm awful. I don't live to impress a damn soul on this earth and I'm not gonna start now. But I don't like feeling like a terrible person to myself- that matters to me while other people's opinions never have. Part of me is excited about having a kid - especially a daughter! - while part of me wishes this whole thing had never happened. I wish I hadn't got myself knocked up, wish I hadn't signed up for the methadone program, wish I hadn't been forced to move in with my parents, wish I could still shoot coke every once in a while without agonizing over the repercussions. I find myself blaming poor little unborn Jaz when I know full well that all of this is my fault and my decision.

I'm pissed off because I lost my freedom to choose what I wanted to do to myself and my body. Mind-altering chemicals and botanicals have been my comfort and my crutch for many years, and suddenly these same substances could turn me from a casual drug user committing a victimless crime into a cold-blooded murderer. Shit, I don't want to be a fucking murderer! So I got on methadone in order to stop heroin (my ob/gyn told me that because of my substantial habit, even a medically controlled detox would put the baby at risk for neonate abstinence syndrome [NAS] which could cripple or even kill her and that methadone maintenance was the best and safest route for both me and the baby- so all those haters who diss me for my 'done habit can go fuck themselves), stopped sticking needles in myself, stopped taking xanax and valium, stopped chewing up strong painkillers, stopped abusing psych meds (or taking them at all), stopped my occasional coke parties, stopped smoking rock, stopped even THINKING about meth, stopped working the streets, stopped taunting the police, stopped hanging out with my junkie buddies, stopped eating so much McDonalds, pretty much gave up my life. I can hear the shit-slingers now: "What life? Sucking dick on the street for a pathetic shot of dope to keep you from puking and seizuring isn't a life!" and all that bullshit. But believe it or not, you can get used to anything and once you get used to something, it becomes familiar and comfortable. I may not have been happy doing what I did, but there was no doubt in my mind that I was very comfortable and had no real thoughts of changing my life. That is, until Jasmyne's existence was discovered and made a reality.

Now, I'm even trying to quit smoking cigarettes! I'll admit I'm not succeeding, but I am down to 2-4 cigarettes a day which is less than I've ever smoked. Even when I stopped drugs and started doing good for baby, I couldn't go below 10 cigs (half a pack) per day. Greggie took me to Cracker Barrel and bought 100 of those candy sticks to help with the oral fixation. He told me that I needed something to suck on when he wasn't around. Jaz is currently very healthy with no ill effects from my smoking, but if I keep going with it, things may change for the worse- so quitting smoking (or even cutting down a lot, which is what I've actually accomplished) is a very good thing.

So why do I hate it so much?

I stare longingly at the 3 coffin-nails I've allotted myself for the day and anticipate lighting them, smoking them, tasting them. Mmmmmmmm, delicious nicotine. I don't know if I can stop, I'm having a hell of a time just keeping my smoke-intake down to a couple. I feel like it's the only chemical pleasure I have left, and it's being taken away from me like the rest of it was- yes, I know, all my fault, the baby is innocent and I am guilty as charged. This is just how I think a lot of the time and my blog is the perfect place for these irrational thoughts since it's my blog. I'm smoking more pot than normal, substituting a joint or bowl for a cig when I have really bad nic-attacks. Reefer may be bad for us (me and Jaz), but it's better for us than cigs, especially since this pot-overload is only temporary until I either manage to quit completely, or give up and start smoking my 10 cigs a day again. I hate not smoking and am very resentful that I'm being "forced" to stop, but in reality no one is forcing me- I just want this little girl to have every chance I can give her, especially after all the BS I put her through, intentionally or unintentionally, in the first 2 months of her pre-existence. I don't want to give up on this smoking cessation thing. I've got an appointment with a drug-free hypnotist who claims to help folks kick the habit- can't hurt, right? I'm gonna come outta this a winner. Jasmyne is gonna come out of this a winner! Hooray!

I've been having bad nightmares interspersed with drug-dreams every night, in fact just about every time I sleep at all even to take an hour-long nap. I'm gonna try to increase my dose at the meth clinic which is supposed to combat cravings and put the brakes on those dope filled dreams. They wouldn't be a problem, but shooting up in my dreams feels so goddamn real that when I wake up I'm actually dopesick (although only for a few minutes), shaking, and drenched in nasty cold sweat. It sucks!

The clinic isn't running real smoothly at the moment though. Apparently there was some sort of illegal shit going on behind the scenes (to the best of my knowledge it involved money but not drugs) and corporate came and fired just about everyone. There is one counselor left (not mine) and 2 nurses. Today both nurses had a sour-faced old lady (I assume someone from the corporate office?) hanging out literally over their shoulders while they gave out the bottles of 'done. The poor nurses were doing everything super obviously, explaining shit that didn't have to be explained and basically making the very long line move slowly. All take-homes have been put on hold, which makes the daily lines 4x longer than usual. I feel bad for the nurses- obviously they did something right since they kep their jobs, and yet they are being watched by that lemon-sucking-lookin' old hag. Sucks to be them- and sucks to be us, in them long-ass lines!

Other than the random hate in my head, things have been pretty cool. I been to the beach 3 or 4 times in the past 2 weeks (but haven't been to the same beach twice yet- a definite perk of living in SoFla!) and swimming in the pool even more than that. I got my first sunburn of the summer, followed by the second and the third. So far I've visited Singer Island beach, Lake Worth beach, Boynton Beach boat docks (which has a beach within walking distance), Ft Lauderdale beach, and Hollywood beach- summer hasn't even started yet! I love the beach, and the ocean, and going swimming- basically I love living in this part of the US. Greg and I are each buying a water donut (he calls it an "inner tube" or "tire tube", but it's still a water donut) to take in the ocean so we can tan right in the ocean- get dark without getting overheated. Floating around on the waves on a big inflated water donut... I'm so excited. I bet they sell big water donuts at Walmarts, seeing that they sell damn near everything.

That's it! Now just replies... and I've been looking forward to answering these comments since I started reading 'em!!

**selected replies**

"As your kid starts growing up, like all children, he'll be FULL of questions. So are you going to tell him the truth? Will you tell him you are a heroin addict and a prostitute?"

When she is old enough to understand? Of course I will! I'm not gonna lay the truth on her on her first week of kindergarten of course, but I'm gonna try to be honest with my kid. If she asks, I'll tell her all about the bullshit I went through with drugs. Hell, maybe she'll learn from MY mistakes instead of having to make the same mistakes of her own. And I'll teach her that her body is nothing to be ashamed of! Hah! I swear, I'd be a nudist if it wasn't against the law. Stupid indecent exposure laws. What retard decided that the human body was "indecent" anyhow?

"And you are an idiot if you believe she is not still doing heroin. And smoking pot every day also means you are a drug addict."

Why do you believe me when I say I smoke pot every day, but you don't believe me when I say I'm not doing heroin? Am I a liar, or not? You can't have it both ways. Either doubt every word I write on here, or believe it all- otherwise you're just a stupid hypocrite.

"I was 'staying' somewhere michelle was. Greg came to pick her up. I even saw the famous camper. Remember?She took this picture in a RV show. Always a liar."

Before you accuse me of lying, read. When did I claim that camper as my own, or even Greg's? No, it was not taken at an RV show, and neither does it belong to Greggie. It's Greg's parents' camper, parked in their front yard! I just posed for and posted those pics because I had been called trailer trash a couple times and thought it would be appropriate. But no, I did not lie because I never said that was my/Greg's camper. Cool? Good.

"Hey Rob, how far did you chase after camper as it was leaving ?Are you more pissed that she's told everyone that you have a needle dick or that she's told everyone that you have a needle dick that you can't even keep hard ?You still going to push for a paternity test big boy ?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Jesus H Christ on a fucking rubber crutch, that is the funniest thing I've read in a long time! Thank you, whoever wrote that! Hahahahahaha!

"What happened to the DC Madam???"

I have no idea what that's about...

"Who is Margie Schoedinger?"

I have no idea what that's about...

"A dead nigger who accused Bush of rape ? -Shelley"

I have no idea what that's about either, but I didn't write that anywhere. Sure, I throw around "the n-word" but I don't know what any of this is about. Remember, anything I write on the comments section is signed with the blue name (michelle or shelley) and it links to one of my profiles. If it's by "anonymous" with my name typed at the bottom- it's an imposter! Hah! Why would anyone actually WANT to be me, even for pretend?

"Those bathing suit pics. How many weeks are you in those?"

20 or 21 weeks- that was right at the beginning of my 5th month.

"Your blog was so good only with the stories that you write.Don't put more pictures, sorry but is not working."

Did ya see the first part of the sentence that ya wrote? The part where it says "your blog"? Well, what that means to me is that I can post whatever the hell I want. Thanks for your random uncalled-for opinion though. I like my pics and am not ashamed of what I look like, even though I am getting quite fat and round. So, in the immortal words of Eric Cartman of South Park: "Whateva! Whateva, bitch, I do what I want!"

Thank you all for reading!

sobriety is boring

Um, yeah. A picture taken somewhere on Dixie Highway which is neither recent nor really good. But I have no pics and I'm kind of enjoying putting pics on just about every blog post, so here one is. Greg got some new pictures of me today while I was swimming and they will go up as soon as he gets 'em to me. Greg wants me to go to a counter and tile show in central Florida! Argh! As much as I love going places with him, I don't really want to go to a counter and tile show. Well, I bet we'll find some way to enjoy ourselves... :)

My baby bro came home from college which is cool but all his little friends ("the melvins") came with him which was not cool. The first night, there were like 6 of 'em and I tolerated 'em. The second night, there were like 12 of 'em and I was getting PISSED OFF ! ! ! I had a major bug up my butt, no question about it. They were so fucking loud, plus I was preggo-pissy, plus I hadn't smoked any pot (or used anything else, but then I don't anymore) for a couple days, plus I was lonely and horny- bad combination. I was yelling at the poor bastards, telling them to shut the fuck up and why are they still here, etc. To my credit, it had been 48 hours and they were still here bein' loud. Goddamn melvins! Finally Greg came over and helped me out in all sorts of different ways. We went to the ocean, then ate at IHOP (stuffed french toast kicks ass, even though it's more cake than breakfast), then slept in the parking lot of said IHOP. Nice, huh? While eating Greggie started asking the waitress if IHOP used to be called "the pancake house" and she just stared at him. It was hilarious. That was Friday night.

The rest of the week- hell. Nothing interesting AT ALL. Sobriety is boring. I sprained my shoulder and got tendonitis in it. The chiropractor couldn't even fuck with it cause it was too swollen. That was the interesting part of my week- see what my life has come to? At least I have pot and cigs- without that, I'd probably go crazy. I am off all the psych meds after all...

Oh one thing- I finally felt the baby move. I'm 20 weeks now (5 months) and I felt something like being flicked from the inside. 'Twas very cool!

GOOD SONG OF THE DAY: all my life by Foo Fighters

$$ SELECTED REPLIES $$

"Don't you have any non-whore shorts you can wear?"

Oh shit... you must be new to this blog. Allow me to introduce myself: Hi! My name is Michelle and I was a hooker for 4+ years, but I still trick on the side. I live in South Florida where it's 90 degrees on the daily. And the answer to your question? No- HELLS no! My outfit consists of whore shorts, whore skirts, and wife-beaters (whorish ones). That's just the way it is.

"I think that is what really distinguishes the good blogs from the bad. MORE PICS!!!!!! :)"

Thanks! Plus pictures make everything more fun.

"Wondering if you had a pictures of the Sweet corn Fashion show which showcased right before the competions."

Nope... sorry babes.

"Who would have thought, you, corn eating contest. You are full of surprises, arn't you???Loved it...I would never had had the guts to post this. You are so real..Good for you......"

What do you mean by that? Is it embarrassing or something? Honestly, I forget what's embarrassing since it's just about impossible to embarrass me... seriously. I post stuff for strangers to read that "normals" wouldn't discuss with friends. I'm real huh? I try to be. Fake isn't much fun.

"Do you own any clothes besides teeny tiny shorts and tanktops?"

Technically, yes I do- I have pants and hoodies too. But it's hot as shit down here in south Florida, and... wait. Am I explaining my clothing choices to a stranger? What the fuck has gotten into me! I love my tricksuits!

"Well… why does one expose their entire life to the general public in the form of a blog? It’s because they want feedback.If they didn’t want feedback, then it wouldn’t be public.Do you really think Michelle or anybody else has the right to squash anybody else’s opinions in a public forum? The same basic right that allows Michelle the ability to blog whatever she wants is given to same people who feel the need to criticize.If she doesn’t like it, don’t put it out there for others to read."

THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY FOR A YEAR NOW!!!!!! I don't moderate comments, I allow anonymous, I answer flames. Why? Because I do like getting feedback. I don't really mind anyone making fun of what I write, and if there was something I was particularly sensitive about (didn't want trash talked about) I wouldn't post it on this flamer-filled blog. No one has the right to censor anybody else. Thanks Jake for posting this- I think a lot of people who come here need to understand that. You have said some pretty harsh shit to me on here- but that's because you have the absolute god-given fucking RIGHT to speak (type) your mind. Good for you!

"Personally, even though i like Michelles blog I don't really know her. I mean c'mon, she could really be a 80 year old granny in Liverpool freaking England, laughing her little wrinkled Liverpool ass off at us. "

Yes! You figured me out, ya bloody wanker! Get off my lawn! Where's my teeth? Hahahaha! Would this be proof enough: give me something to do or hold or whatever, and I'll take a pic of me doing or holding whatever ya said. Nothing sexual, cause I like staying on this site. Suggestive don't bother me though... I'm not really trying to "prove" anything, I just like games and this sounds like a fun one! Hooray for games!!

"I was at Wal Mart today and I saw your exact pink and white shorts!"

I think it's like a law that all white trash has to buy their (new) clothes at Walmarts. The only other options? Used clothes: thrift stores, garage sales, Salvation Army, rummaging through dead friend's trailers, etc. Keeping with that law, yes, my shorts did come from Walmarts. Don't tell me yer surprised.

just a shmuck

Wow it's been a while since I updated, but before I continue I have to bring something up. This is directed to the person or people that like to take everything I say on opiophile.org and bring it onto here in order to talk shit. See, opi is a MESSAGE BOARD. That means that if you don't like something I say on there, you can respond right there on the same page. If you don't like something I say on here, by all means talk shit on here. But I like opi because no one on there knows me personally (only online) so I can chat in relative anonymity, while there are quite a few people I know who read this blog on a regular basis. I don't tend to lie on here, I just don't write about every aspect of my existence- I can say things more freely on opi because they seem to have less folks over there who think their shit smells like freshly cut roses. I'm wondering why you're so infatuated with me that you follow me everywhere I go on the internet and drag shit from one website to another just to make me look bad. The bottom line is: if I piss you off on the blog, respond on the blog. If I piss you off on opi, respond on opi. It's not hard- hell, it's free to sign up and also it's a lot of fun. I posted pretty much the same thing over there, and hopefully that gayness will cease. Hopefully.

Anyways, I'll start where I left off. Friday and Saturday I didn't do anything interesting, mostly I just helped Greg paint my folks' house. Technically I didn't do much painting (Greg is the professional carpenter/jack of all trades and I'm just a shmuck), I just vacuumed and washed the baseboards and layered painter's tape on the carpet and tile so that his job would go faster. Greggie told me that painting my parent's crib was one of the best jobs he's ever had: pays good, not very difficult, inside the air-conditioning, can go swimming in the pool during breaks, free lunch (I made us lunch every day that he was working here), and of course I was hanging around the whole time either doing prep work or bothering him or smoking pot out front. Speaking of which, I'm not smoking as much pot as I used to- I didn't quit but I have slowed down.

Sunday is the day I usually spend with Greggie and it was his day off, but I didn't end up seeing him because my grandparents came over to go to a "Sweet Corn Fiesta" over at the fairgrounds. That's some redneck shit, no? Not quite as redneck-y as a chili cook-off, but hell. One of the attractions at the Sweet Corn Fiesta (cornfest, from here on out- it's shorter) was corn-shucking and corn-eating speed contests. There were 3 different eating contests: amateur men, amateur women, and professionals and the basic idea for the amateur contests was to eat as much corn on the cob as you could in 1 minute. An eating contest sounded perfect for my pregnant ass, so of course I signed up. There were cash prizes ($100 for 1st, $50 for 2nd, $25 for 3rd) but I figured that even if I lost I still would get my corn for free instead of paying $2 per ear like everyone else. I only ate 3 ears, which wasn't a great number compared to some of the other women at the table, but my 3 ears were completely devoid of any kernels. I ended up winning 3rd place! I got an envelope with $25 and a trophy that says "International Foundation of Competitive Eaters, Ladies Amateur Sweet Corn Eating Contest 2008, 3rd place." My dad has a couple pics, one of me shoveling corn down my face and another of me with the 1st and 2nd place winners and our trophies. I will post those pics when he gets home because they are on his cell right now and his cell is with him on a business trip to God knows where.

Oh yeah, and this is a great opportunity to make a "pigs eat corn, you're a fat corn-eating pig, did ya eat it out of a trough, did ya snort while ya ate?" joke. So... fire away!

Monday I helped Greggie paint once again. Tuesday I went to my ob/gyn to get my first ultrasound. It was so exciting, the baby looked like a little skeleton on the screen and his/her heart was visibly beating so damn quickly. The PA couldn't tell me the sex, though, because junior's legs were curled up under his/her body. Maybe next time, right? Someone gave me a suggestion to eat a lot of sugar before I get my next ultrasound because it makes the baby hyper and he/she moves around a lot more. It's worth a shot.

Wednesday I (amazingly enough) helped paint. One of the best parts about him doing a job here is that I don't have to take the bus home from the methadone clinic every morning. He lives close to das klinik and is headed to my crib anyway, so I just call before I get on the bus and tell him when to pick me up. Usually we do the exercise trail before heading to work, but I flat-out refused that day because I was in my sandals. The exercise trail in John Prince Park is made of red wood chips that get caught in my sandals and stab my feet, which is gay. So we went to get pastries at our usual spot- Greg likes Dunkin Donuts and I like this little privately-owned bakery and the two spots happen to be right across the street from each other. Good deal, huh?

While we ate, one of my old crackhead friends comes over to say hi. As he came up, me and Greggie were arguing (not angry arguing though) because he wanted me to do the stupid trail and I told him I wasn't gonna walk that fucker in my sandals. My crackhead friend (Chuck) heard us and said he had a brand new pair of sneakers hidden over by where he goes to smoke that he'd be willing to give me if they fit. They were a little big, but with socks they fit ok. Chuck wasn't trying to charge us (doesn't that show that he's a real friend? a crackhead that gives something for free?) but we gave him five bucks anyways cause he's a cool guy. The pic on the top is me and Chuck that was taken on the same day as the chili cook-off (I think? I'm just guessing that since I'm wearing the same outfit as in the chili pics). I wish I could post a picture of my Greggie, but he doesn't want his picture on here and if I put one anyway it would be pretty fucked up.

Wednesday was also the last day of Greg's painting job : ( and after he got payed he gave me a check for helping him do the prep and fixing lunch every day. It's nice not to be broke. Thursday we were supposed to spend the day together to celebrate a job well done, but there was some drama over at the clinic and they refused to dose me. By about noon I was S I C K and incredibly pissed off, so I ended up doing a bag of heroin. My first shot in approximately 3 months- and it fucked me UP!! It was a one-time thing though... I won't do it again. I started getting sick again around 8pm and ended up staying up the entire fucking night tossing and turning and crying. I didn't call for more dope, I didn't try and find pills, and I didn't even go get drunk (yes, I had plenty of money). I just got through it, thought not exactly with dignity. I showed up at the clinic at 530am, right as the doors opened (hell, I was awake anyways) and there were no problems. I went to see my counselor, and she asked me if I got high yesterday. I lied of course- if I had said yes, I wouldn't have been dosed today either and I really don't want to do any more heroin but at the same time I really really don't want to be sick. Pregnant bitches aren't supposed to be in withdrawal at all, ya know? Plus it sucks!

So... that's about it.

$$ SELECTED REPLIES $$

"In the first picture, are the dark spots on your arms track marks? I don't really know what they look like, but your arms don't look that bad. You had blogged about horrific track marks."

Yes, those are tracks. Greg says he has a picture of what my arms and hands looked like about a year ago- they are B A D !!!

"Any word on the father of your baby? Do you even know?"

I do know- I'm not a candidate for the Maury Povitch show, I guess. But while I'm about 95% sure, I don't want to throw a name out until I'm 100% on it. The person in question agreed to get a DNA test, which will confirm (or deny) his paternity. But I got a very very good idea of who it was.

"if anyone believes you haven't done heroin they're idiots"

It's pretty funny that when I say I'm doing bad (shooting up every day, smoking rock, living on the streets, going to jail, working the corner, etc) everyone takes me at my word. But when I say I'm doing good... "bullshit!" You either believe what I write on here or you think I'm a liar, ya can't have it both ways you know.

"BTW... I guess your a lefty"

Nope! Right handed. I had tracks on both arms though, because when my left arm and hand got used up I switched. I also hit my feet, my legs, my chest, pretty much everywhere except for my neck. Neck shots are too creepy- I'm scared I'll miss and it'll look like I attempted to swallow a golf ball and it got stuck.

"Do you love being a whore or do you now admit that you are scum? PS I always knew you were trailer trash, but I just found out that you actually live in a trailer too. How fitting!"

No, I don't "admit that I'm scum" because I know I'm not. I'm doing my best, even if my best is equal to someone elses worst. It's okay, things are getting better. I enjoy tricking- it's a high all by itself. When I get out of a car with cash in my hand... hard to explain. I don't need YOU to bum me a cigarette, I don't need HIM to front me anything, I don't need HER to lend me a couple bucks, I don't need ANYONE to buy me food. Who got Shelley? Shelley got Shelley! But all good things must come to an end. PS who said I lived in a trailer? I stayed in someone elses trailer for about a month, but I'm staying in a 4-bedroom house right now with a laundry room and a swimming pool and porches in the back and front. It's my parent's house of course, but it's surely not a double-wide.

"So your parents are paying your pimp to paint their house! No wonder you turned out like you did."

Hey, it's hard out there for a pimp when he's tryin to get the money for the rent. Plus he did an awesome job painting- that's all that matters if you want your house painted. Thanks for the laugh anyway- that's a pretty funny comment.

"i just noticed...why'd you take micheal's picture down?"

Because he's not really a part of my life anymore. I would put up Greg's picture, but he doesn't want his face on the internet so I respect that.

"i really hope your child makes it through without being seriously harmed/retarded/diseased and gets adopted by a loving family that can give them the care and special attention they will probably need"

So far, junior is perfectly healthy and at the correct weight and developmental stage. Hooray for junior! He/she won't get adopted by anyone- I will provide whatever is needed although I'll probably need help doing it. But it's ok to ask for help.

"how the hell did you get preg? who the hell would knowingly have stuck their dick in that cavernous snatch of yours...talk about risk!"

Hah! You'd be surprised... :)

"I heard you used heroin again, liar."

You're right, I did. Not sure how you "heard" it, but I don't much care. I shot a bag yesterday, and I didn't lie about it (well, not here at least).

"Yeah, when you're a junkie whore living in the ghetto of course it's easy to buy drugs"

Damn skippy!

"You're so fucking ignorant it's pathetic. And since you have now said on opio that you plan to resume being a junkie and crackhead when you are not prgneant (though you're also talking about calling your dope guy tonight) what do you plan to do with the baby???"

Show me where I said that I'm gonna resume being a junkie after the kid is born. Post the link right up on here. Oh, you can't? Probably cause I didn't say that. Yeah, I was talking about calling my dope guy the other night, and I did call. But I didn't get anything from him that night either... so who cares? Dude can't slip a bag through the telephone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VD8ZZeDcpc

started seeing a bunch of bikers and rednecks

^ ^ ^ !!!PICTURES!!! ^ ^ ^

I been feeling crappy as hell lately, need a damn increase on my 'done or a bag or something and not doing any of it. Today I did nothing but lay around the house and try to sleep, I guess each day is getting worse but until today I was getting out and doing things. I dunno when I updated last (and don't feel like stopping to check) so I'll just start with the weekend.

Saturday I went to a stretching/exercise class with my mom, it was kinda fun but I'm not super flexible (although I can put my feet behind my head, ha) so some of the stretches hurt like hell. The lady said that I'd only be able to do the class for a couple months tops because my belly will start to get way too much in the way. Then we went to the zoo over by Summit and Parker. It was fun and distracting, looking at the animals. I've been there tons of times (I've been in Florida for a long fucking time) but this time I seen the black bears and the huge scary looking tiger right up close. Also a couple of gigantic rats- which reminds me, I just finished watching Alvin and the Chipmunks ("They're not kids, they're rats!". There was this turtle that was flipped over onto it's back, and me and 3 others were all crowded around the reptile tank cheering it on while it tried to get back the right way. It would wiggle around for a minute, then get tired and lay there with it's head in the water (it had a super fucking long neck), then start wiggling around again. Finally it righted itself and everybody was like, hooray! Stupid, I know, but who cares? It was fun without drugs. I don't have any pics of that, but I have pics from the next day.

Sunday I was real sick, and pissed off. Greg picked me up and gave me a percocet, left over from the ones I was prescribed back when I broke my elbow. [Yeah- I had some left. Lemme guess- "bullshit!" right?] Then we wandered around John Prince Park and started seeing a bunch of motorcycles and bikers and rednecks so we wondered what the hell was going on. Turns out, there was a chili cookoff going on, which explains the rednecks, and it was sponsored by Harley, which explains the bikers. They had 12 different chili booths lined up and were selling cups for a buck apiece (we got 12 cups for ten bucks) and each cup comes with a ticket. The basic idea is to try chili from all the different booths and then the ones you like, you put a ticket in a box with the name of the chili on it. Between the percocet and the pot I was cool, so Greg and I proceeded to try all the chilis. We would each get one, eat half the cup, then trade. The only exception was when a chili was too hot, since I have ulcers, he would eat em after I tried a couple spoonfuls. We each tried each one though, and then threw tickets in the good boxes.

I do have pics from the chili cookoff, up at the top. I tried putting the pics down here, but they all went to the top. Nothin a bitch can do, especially someone like me who is basically computer illiterate. Damn these pics are uploading slow. Then, after a couple hours of eating chili and smoking and being in the sun, we passed out in the back of the camper. I got my first tan of the spring- I'm so damn white that the only way I tan is if I get a sunburn because after 1 or 2 days it fades into a tan. If I don't burn, I'm albino-looking. Well, I guess SoFla albinos still look tan to everyone else, right? But down here it's a different standard, so it's good to be Florida tan again.

Today I was real sick, and didn't do fuck. Greg is painting my folks' house- its a weeklong job. Nice, huh? Hope we don't get sick of each other : ) By the way, all pictures here are taken by Greg, who is a much better photographer than anyone else (one reason the pic of me and Lucas came out so shitty- Greg didn't take it).

"There's a hole in the world like a big black pit, and it's filled with people that are filled with shit, and the vermin of the world inhabit it." That's Johnny Depp playing Sweeny Todd- what a great fucking movie! An R-rated musical, in Goth-looking London, directed by Tim Burton, starring Johnny Depp as a vengeance-crazed murderer! What the hell else could I want in a flick?

$$QUICK REPLIES$$ <---cuz I am tired of typing

neely- Thanks.

anon 1- "My grandmother was a typical white person" -Barak Hussein Obama. My grandmother's sisters' husband's dog can't discuss politics, but even if he could- why would I listen to him? He's just a dog. Just like I'm just a junkie, so you shouldn't listen to me. Don't take everything so goddamn seriously! Wow!

anon 2- True.

victoria- I don't mind the haters. Have you seen my hit counter? The haters are hooking me up with hits and interesting shit to read. I encourage it by responding to them, you should try it- it's fun. I'm FINALLY tan for the first time since Christmas (our Christmas is like summer in the north, for real). I'm not writing baby name online cause I've picked 2, a boy and a girl name, but they are special to me so I'm not gonna write it for the haters to read ya know? Email me and I'll tell you though just keep it off the internet k?

anon 3- Heroin addicts are all psycho- that doesn't mean other people aren't.

taxitalk- Thanks for the encouragement. I'm staying away from the dope, it's just harder than I thought it would be, ya know? I want this kid to be ok, he/she's gotta overcome a lot of obstacles already.

anon 4- I got stoned as fuck yesterday too...

cocaine princess- The haters make me laugh- I'd rather respond to them than ignore them.

boston joe- Keep up the good work. Obama sucks. He would be great in Hollywood, as a movie star- thats what I think.

anon 5- I say I'm KINDA racist cause that's how I am. "White power" people will hate someone just because they are black. I don't have a problem with blacks- I just hate niggers. Lots of blacks are niggers, but not all niggers are black. Hell, there's white niggers and spanish niggers and probably asian niggers, although I've never personally met one (then again, I don't live in a really asian-intensive area). Barak is a nigger. Lil Wayne is most definitely a nigger!!!! Do you think I care what he'd appreciate? Do you think Lil Wayne will ever read this? NO! I like lots of music where I don't like the band or singer or rapper or whatever. I don't like the guys from Metallica, but I still like their music. I hate niggers, but I like some rap. Is that a problem? Don't take shit so seriously. My racism will never affect you- I don't run shit. I bet you don't even live in my town! 9th grade? I graduated #1 in my class- I know, I know "bullshit! you never graduated! blah!" Though to be honest, it was a graduating class of 7!

libby- Thanks! Now I can pretend I voted. BTW where in hell is Punta Gorda? Did you know that means "fat point"? I'm in Palm Beach County...

TO ALL MY HATERS- If I'm so worthless and racist and whorish and junked out and no one cares what I think- why did my hit counter pass 1000 in 1 month? Huh? I put that fucker up on March 15th and it's currently at 1,237! In your face, haters!

typical black person

Chronicles of impatience and drug cravings...

It is winter all of the sudden! It's been hot as the seventh level of hell since before Christmas, actually since LAST winter, and all of the sudden I wake up yesterday morning and it's 60 degrees! This morning it was 52 degrees and I refused to get on the bus to go the clinic. I don't have clothing designed for 52 degree weather- I live in a state with no winter! You can't get much souther than SoFla (in the US, I mean), and it's APRIL- it has no right being this goddamn cold. The next "informed" asshole who talks to me about global warming is getting kicked right in the fuckin' nuts.

Yesterday I went to the new ob/gyn for my first appointment with him. My appt was at 145pm, and I guess I was about 5 minutes late. When I got there, I walked up to the desk and noticed there was no paper for signing in, which I thought was a standard practice at all dr offices. So I asked the receptionist (that is a long word, so from now on I will refer to the receptionist as "the lady" cause it's shorter and I have a feeling that word will come up a few more times while typing this story, k?) if I should sign in. The lady says no, just sit down. So I sit down.

At about 230, the lady points to me and asks me what my name is, and why didn't I sign in- the same lady who told me I didn't have to when I asked. I brought this point up, and she responds with, "I was on the phone." Fun start for an impatient moody bitch like me. To add to my frustration, the waiting room was about the size of the living room in a single-wide trailer, and all 5 (or 6?) seats were taken as well as all the standing room. Hell, all the oxygen was taken and it was hotter than holy hell in that waiting room. So I go stand outside, leaving the door open so I can hear my name when it's called. The lady tells me to close the door, which I did until she went back into the little office-thingy behind the window and then swung it the fuck back open.

At about 250, I went up and asked what the bloody hell is taking so goddamn long. Actually, I didn't say that. I asked how much longer it would be, because I had somewhere to be at 4pm. It was actually my mom who had to be somewhere at 4, but she was my ride and I was pretty fucking far from home. East side of PB Lakes Blvd- those of you who know where I live (and know SoFla) can appreciate how far that is. The lady asks where I have to be at 4. I tell her that it's actually my ride who has a prior commitment, and that was why I made a 145 appt instead of later... not that it's any of her damn business where I have to be. She says I will be the next one called, so I stay in the oxygenless waiting room figuring it won't be much longer. At about 330, after 3 more women were called back, I went back to the lady. Here is a basic transcript of our conversation:

me: What's going on? I thought you said I was next.
her: You are next.
me: You said that over half an hour ago, but I've watched 3 people get called since you told me that. Can I just reschedule? I can't stay much longer- it has been almost 2 hours.
her: Okay, can you be here tommorrow at 730am?
me: Can it be later than that? I'm busy mornings [this is not just a lie to sleep late, I have to take the stoopid Palm Tran city bus to and from the methadone clinic every damn morning and usually don't get home until 8pm. The clinic, of course, is in the opposite direction of the dr's office].
her: Why can't you be here in the mornings? Where do you have to be and why?
me: I just can't.
her: Why?
me: Does it really matter why? I can't be here that early!
her: Just tell me- is it something court ordered? What is it?
me: I'm sorry, but I don't see how it's any of your business. [what I didn't say: "You're so worried about what I'm doing at 4 and what I do in the mornings when you can't figure out the schedules of when people are supposed to see the dr! That could be my scheduled masturbation time for all you know, or I could be on house arrest and can't leave until 9am! Maybe I don't want to tell you nothing! Why don't you work on making sure people don't have to wait 2 hours when they have an appointment- you know, your job, that thing you get payed to do- and let me worry about my personal life." It would have been fun, but I held my tongue.]
her: Okay, how is 1030am tommorrow?
me: Sounds great to me.

So I left at about 340pm, which was 1 hour 50 minutes spent sitting in that sweltering waiting room with both thumbs up my ass. I went back today at 1030am, like I was sposed to, and only had to wait an hour, but most of that time was spent in the exam room by myself (sweet, sweet oxygen!) instead of the Haitian-packed waiting room. Oops, that was racist like Obama! I meant Guatpacked, not Haitan-packed! Hah! Obama's grandmother was a "typical white person!" Hah! She raised him because his [black] dad split on him. Doesn't that make him a... "typical black person"? You can't say typical black person, that's RACIST!!! God how I love laughing at hypocrisy.

What if I say that black people smell bad and so do their neighborhoods, and even if I could vote (I'm a convicted felon so I can't) I would never vote a nigger into office, especially a nigger who hates whites and is proud to hate whites, especially a nigger who hates whites with the middle name of Hussein!?! Is that racist? It is? GOOD!!! I don't care, I'm not running for president. I'm allowed to be racist.

I have a FUCKING MIGRAINE FROM HELL!!!!! It's just now starting to fade, but I got it around 130pm (it is now 7pm). I tried everything: ice packs, laying in the quiet darkness, homeopathic migraine remedy that you rub on your forehead, tylenol, going to the chiropractor, chain-smoking, not smoking, and finally 4 Excedrin Migraine. I saved that for last cause pregnant bitches aren't supposed to have aspirin, but the only other thing that works every time for migraines is heroin. I figured the Excedrin was the lesser of two evils. And guess what? It worked... a little bit. Still achy, which is annoying.

I miss shooting up. Also I'm out of weed. Hopefully SOMEONE (you know who you are) will hook me up because of the favor I did for SOMEONE.

$$REPLIES$$

libby: Cook? I can barely make macaroni and cheese! My talents lie elsewhere. Sashimi kicks ass, but preggos aren't sposed to eat raw fish. That sucks the big hairy one, especially last night when my dad took me to a Chinese/Japanese restaurant and I stared longingly at the sushi bar before ordering lo mein.

jamie: If I can stay off drugs (when I say "drugs" I'm including booze and pharmies, but not weed) until the baby is born, I'll probably get someone to watch him/her for a little bit and get myself a reward shot. Not right away, and only once. Hah... only once. What a fucking joke.

anonymous 1: Thanks for that! My brother is awesome, and he did that haircut for some kind of performance either for class or for an extra curricular activity. It looked cute in person, that pic didn't do him justice but it was the only one I got before he left again so I posted the fucker. It does look terrible in the pic though- I will give you that.

coke addiction kinda sucks: Sorry bro.

connie: Are you sure you want to start with me on here? I guess so. I like when people I know in real life come online and "make requests" such as that one, cause I get to speak my mind without them being able to walk away or hang up on me. If you don't read this- I don't care. 'Twas fun to write. "Leave my son alone." You talk like your son is in jr high school and you just found out he was smoking pot with the big kids. Last I checked, he is a GROWN UP who is perfectly capable of deciding who he does (and doesn't) want to spend time with. In case you weren't aware: HE got in touch with me and told me he had to talk to me, it's important. Don't believe me? It's on the comments section, right here. I bet you're even the one who pointed him here after he and I hadn't spoken for... what, months? Yeah, months. All I did is do what he asked me to do- call him at home, visit him at the store during his break, etc. You have no right to tell me what to do. If I want to see him while he's on break (read: on his OWN time outside of your house), the only person who can really tell me no is HIM. Not you. DEFINITELY not you. I do what I want, when I want and you can't do shit about it, because you have no authority over me. Maybe you have authority over your 23-year-old son, but that's only because he lets you. If you want us not to see each other, talk to him. There is at least a SMALL chance that he will listen to you, while with me you don't have a snowball's chance in hell. Let your adult son be a fucking man- he does have balls, you know. Trust me- I've played with them. Boo-ya!

jimmy: Connie isn't my mother (thank god for that!) or Luke's mother. She was almost my mother-in-law at one point, but it didn't happen. Don't talk about stuff you know absolutely nothing about, cause you come out sounding like an ignorant asshole... k?

anonymous 2/connie: Oooh, venom! Scary! By the way, I still haven't forgotten the time you woke up my folks at 330am, threatening to call the police if I didn't return the iPod that MWS sold me for cash money- regardless of what he may have spent the money on, hah. You call the police more than 911 operators! Feel free to keep calling 'em- I now have nothing to fear.

Until next time, my dear friends and enemies and acquaintances and strangers!

anyone heard of Union Underground?

I got on here to update, but got caught up with the music videos on YouTube. Anyone heard of Union Underground? I had that CD when I was like, 14 and haven't heard them even mentioned since then. South texas deathride, that's a fucking good song. Also, Revolution man. Just lose it by Eminem, and Let a killa fuck you by Insane Clown Posse.

Mariah Carey, nah, forget it
If ODB hit it, I can't fuck with it
Nothin' against Ol' Dirty or nothing
But you know he's at least got herpes or something
I wouldn't mind fucking Britney Spears
In a cheap motel with them ceiling mirrors
With that bitch, in a couple of weeks
I'd have her hooked on crack rock workin' the streets
-the last song I talked about up there

I got a little weed, not a lot but enough for right now cause it's decent. At least it gets me... somewhere. Can't think of much the fuck else to say.

I WOULD FUCKING KILL FOR A FUCKING SHOT OF FUCKING DOPE!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!

$ REPLIES $

anon 1- Yeah, I've gained like 10 pounds in the past 4 months, which I suppose puts me on the road to beached-whale-itude. I agree I looked better when I was thinner- can't get upset at the truth, right? People who get pissed at the truth are assholes, and while I'll never claim not to be an asshole I at least attempt to avoid asshole behavior. But hell, between having 2 months off drugs, cutting WAY back on my cig smoking, my 15 weeks of pregnancy, and the cravings for all sorts of odd junk foods, I think going from 130 lbs to 140 lbs is pretty fucking decent. Anyways, thanks for the hate. I knew I wouldn't be able to put up ANY pics without someone making a mean comment, and you have fulfilled the quota. Props! One thing though- you can talk shit about me all day and night and I won't take offense, but there is no reason to diss my baby brother. He's a genuinely good person, and the absolute WORST thing he does is... well, hanging with the likes of me. Blood is thicker than water, right? Please, point your double-barreled hate gun in MY direction and leave my family out of your shit-talking. That means ALL the haters. Thanks for reading.

jamie- You're welcome for the pic! More pics will soon be posted... if Greggie cooperates, that is! ; ) I still see 4 or 5 special guys (my "preferred customers") who treat me well and pay well and treat me like a friend (in some cases, like a temporary girlfriend) instead of like a whore. All these dudes know I'm pregnant, and they are cool with that. And no matter how close we get, I still use condoms (of course). But I am staying with my folks, and they pay for my daily 'done and food and bus pass and most of what I need. The only thing they won't throw down for is cigarettes, but I brought a carton on Sunday (not yesterday, but last Sunday when I moved in) and am still on pack #5- not bad, huh?

taxitalk- How old is your son? Cigarettes, I cut down on but still can't totally quit- I smoke 1/2 pack a day now which isn't so bad. Weed, same situation. I got no reason to quit weed though.

coke addiction kinda sucks- A blog is a forum for the free exchange of ideas and opinions. If I deleted all the anonymous rude comments, I would be a hypocrite because I claim to love free speech. If I can say whatever the hell I want and not be censored, why shouldn't others have the same privilege? A lot of what I write about is controversial, and people absolutely have the right to express their opinions whether they are negative or positive. If I started taking off all the comments that I thought were "asshole" or "rude", I would be a hypocrite of the highest order. And hypocrites suck.

anon 2- This is MY blog. If you want to talk shit to that guy, go to HIS blog and spew your venom. On MY blog, all hatred should be aimed in MY direction. Cool? Cool...