anyone can lie and cops are pricks

So, they switched our groups at school and I am now working with someone who doesn't know his asshole from his elbow. He couldn't even wash the dishes, just stacked em under the table and stood there while we attempted to make food. Lame. He's gonna drag down my average, and I'm almost at an A (89% at the moment). Tomorrow's quiz and my cilantro report/recipe should bring my score up to an A no question.

And yeah, I was catching a buzz off the hydromet. So? I'm out of it, and I'm still taking care of my business instead of going out to the hood to cop one more fix. All of that "addicts are addicts forever and can never use anything because one is too many and the drug causes all the compulsion to come back" crap is just crap. I can get high without acting like an asshole about it, I'm not some sort of diseased cripple. And btw I don't care what anyone was arrested for, anyone can lie and cops are pricks. I only care what people actually did. For example, if someone shot someone and then got arrested for pot, I'd avoid them way more than the person who got arrested for domestic violence without actually doing the crime. Living next door to an oxy addict? She's not an oxy addict, she's a liar who doesn't even do pills. It's just another layer of the facade.

Naomi- congrats to your sister for the new baby. They are so loud and obnoxious when they are born, no?

I miss my kid so much during the week, I only get to see her in the mornings and then I get home at 6pm and she goes to bed an hour and a half later. Fri-Sat-Sun is the only real quality time I get to spend with her, can't wait until the weekend.

finally, right? wtf?

Been busy, not really too busy to update. Just too lazy. Whatever, not like I'm getting paid for this or anything. Plus I have shit to do all weekend.

So, I started culinary school. I go 4 days a week in the afternoons, and Jazzie goes to daycare. She picks up every cold and every flu and every virus and gives it to me. I then can't even attend class without hydromet cough syrup so I end up with a bottle of that a month (and I might need another for Monday) because I will get thrown out of class for coughing. Lame. It works really well though. School is awesome. I love to play around with recipes in that enormous well-stocked kitchen, with their Meyer lemons and Hungarian paprika and 5000-year-old pink Himalayan mountain salt. Everyone at my entire school smokes pot, which I think is hilarious. I think my chef does, and he's a Chinese man in his 60s. My chef (my teacher) is awesome, we make tons of delicious food and I love everything about school except the bus.

I don't always have to take the bus, but since I don't get my stupid govt-issued driving permission slip until March (and even then, just the hardship license since it's been over a year since my non-driving felony conviction and I am almost eligible) I have to take it home from school often. It took me a while to figure out the best route from the school to my house. At first I was waiting 25 minutes for a connection, which was lame. Also that bus was just filled with smelly Haitians. Before anyone says "racism!" you gotta understand that I live in South Florida, filled with Haitians, and that no amount of sensitivity training in the world is gonna change the fact that these people constantly reek of fish, vinegar, and fetid garbage. I was waiting for my bus at [whatever] sitting on a divided bench, and an older Haitian man comes and sits right next to me. Not on the other side of the divider, not on one of the 3 empty nearby benches, but rubbing up against me so that his vinegar stank was touching my school clothes. Barf. He asked me what my name was, I said Leslie or Lola or something with an L. Then he asked if I was single. DOUBLE BARF! I told him I was married with three kids, which I figured was four problems too many to overcome. Then I got up and got the hell away from him. The smell was really bad. But other than Haitians, I don't mind the bus much. I don't really have to focus on anything like I do during the rest of my life, I can smoke at the bus stops, and now that I've figured out the proper route I don't have to smell any stinky people on my whole ride.

My daughter is awesome. She's almost 17 months now and not as chunky as she used to be. She walks by herself (kind of a penguin waddle, but fast), she goes to the potty every morning, she says sentences (example: "I drink it all"), she loves Dora the Explorer and Go Diego Go but hates Ni-Hao Kai-Lan (which is a pretty annoying show), she eats so many different delicious healthful foods, she puts her toys away when she's done, she loves to empty cabinets and drawers, she has tantrums all over the floor, she giggles when you touch her, she's afraid of guys and doctors, she loves to play with blocks, her favorite food is a cracker, she's still allergic to soy, and she's finally growing a little bit of hair!

Words that Jazzie can say include, but are not limited to: mama, grandpa, abuela, ball, block, cracker, hi, hello, bye, no, mine, yeah, yum, dora, map, backpack, orange, color, walk, park, shoes, dog, woof, meow, bird, up, oh no, uh oh, cheese, bread, drink, juice, panda, want, shit, poop, boob, now, more, and tickle.

Being clean is awesome. I got 2 years this month, by my rules of course. :) I don't do any of those bullshit meetings, but instead when I want to get high I man the fuck up and don't do it. That disease crap is all crap anyway.

I met a dude. He's actually in jail at the moment, but he's awesome. I met him when he was dating my neighbor, and she called the cops on him and said that he was beating her. I don't believe for a second that he was beating her. My neighbor also said that a friend of ours stole $300 from her and held her daughters head underwater, and that someone broke in and took a safe containing $700, and that someone else got arrested for having dirty needles all over the apartment, and that she got in a car accident and told the cop she was on roxys and the paramedics did a scoliosis test to determine whether or not she needed to be prescribed roxys, and a host of other fantastic stories which throw her trustworthiness into question. So yeah, he didn't beat her. But he is really sexy and a lot like me (scary huh).

Yesterday I went to the zoo with baby brother (who is here for the weekend) and our friend Rick and Jazzie of course. Jazzie loves to walk around the zoo and mimic all the animal noises. We had lunch at the overpriced zoo cafeteria, where I discovered that my kid won't eat french fries or chicken nuggets. Won't even TRY french fries or chicken nuggets, or for that matter hot dogs either. She wanted her yogurt, raisins, blueberries and pieces of cheddar cheese. I guess I've done a good job feeding her healthy, but she wouldn't even taste a french fry. What kind of a weird toddler?

I wanted to do this sort of general update so that I could update my boring daily stuff more often.

Merry Christmas

I'll be on my NEW laptop pretty soon and then I'll actually update, but here's this quick tidbit: Merry Christmas, me and Jazzie had a great one, she is spoiled rotten with piles and piles of toys and books and stuff in general. I made a cake for Christmas Eve and it actually didn't stick or burn or fall apart or anything, my butter frosting was awesome too. I start school pretty soon (already did orientation) and my daughter goes to daycare for the first time next week (probably the 28th). Fun for everyone.

they don't see the irony in this AT ALL

Hey friends, stalkers, and assholes- I am now on myspace. I don't really know if I like it or not, but I figured I was the only American non-Amish under the age of 25 who didn't have a myspace, so I signed up. The url is www.myspace.com/floridashelley if anyone gives a crap.

I've decided what I want to do for a career, and that's cooking. Because of Jazzie's soy allergy I've had to be really creative in making food, since I can't go out to eat. It used to annoy me that I couldn't eat anything at any restaurant, but now I really enjoy going over menus and figuring out how to make the menu items tastier, healthier, and soy free. I'm making up my own recipes too, and trying them out. Jazzie loves to eat new foods (well, until a couple days ago because she's been pretty sick, barfing and shitting all over the place, she's finally getting better) so she enjoys it, and I love the complicated stressful running around multitasking chaos that is making a really complicated meal from scratch.

So in January, I'm going to the Florida Culinary Institute. When I was having my admissions interview, they asked for a copy of my high school diploma which I have. Imagine my surprise when I learned that the shitty boarding school I was forced in (and kept there with force) was not accredited by anything other than the guy running it. I did 3 1/2 years in high school, graduated and got a diploma, and technically I'm a high school dropout because my diploma isn't worth the paper it's printed on. I took a test to show that I know how to say "where are you?" instead of "where you at?" and that I can add fractions and do long division, so I got in anyways. I want to take the GED though, not for school but just for me. But I got accepted and financial aid is taking care of me with a Pell grant and a couple of student loans, so I start college (well, vocational school) on January 4th.

I'd go to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday in the afternoons. My mom will watch Jazzie Monday and Wednesday and then Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm gonna find a good day care for her. I need to find a day care that fits 3 qualifications:
1) close by (if my kid has an emergency, I don't want her to be in buttfuck egypt)
2) food allergy sensitive (don't give my kid crackers or apple juice)
3) cloth diapers ok (disposables cost too much damn $$$)
4) lets parents come in to see the babies whenever they want without an appt (nothing to hide)
5) lets me pay by the day and not by the week (I don't want to pay for 5 days and bring her in for only 2)
I think I might have found a place that fits all those qualifications but it's expensive. I'm going on Monday to check out their toddler class, where Jazzie would be.


Jazzie is such a big girl though, she loves to play with other babies and toys and crawl around screaming. She doesn't walk yet, but she says a lot of words and imitates everything. And she's growing so much hair! I bought her conditioner, although to be completely honest it's more wishful thinking than anything else.

Wal-Mart stopped selling shorts for "the winter." Apparently their corporate warehouses or whatever ship the same clothes to ALL Wal-Marts for the different seasons. The problem is, that leaves folks in northern Montana wearing the same clothes in November that the folks in Miami wear in November. and I bet the temperatures are slightly different. Like today, it's over 80 degrees and it's not even 9am. What the fuck "winter" are they referring to? All I see in Wal-Mart is coats, jackets, sweatpants, long sleeves, etc. If I wore those clothes I would pass out in the street. Baby only owns 1 coat, and she's only worn it twice (and both times for less than 1 hour). It doesn't get cold out this way until January at least, and even that "cold" is 50 degrees at the chilliest and lasts for less than 3 weeks. Fucking "winter."



I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate Al-Anon. Bunch of whiny empty nest bitches who were magically told by Jesus that if they go to enough retarded meetings and pray hard enough, little Johnny will stop smoking weed and their husband will stop drinking and beating their ass every day. "Al-Anon, help! My family hates me! They have an expensive, time-consuming habit that alienates them from the rest of the family because they think they need it and put their habit first and foremost, and that's just totally wrong! Please Al-Anon, I'll pay your fees, I'll donate, I'll put money down for the expensive hotel room for the 3-5 conferences every year, I'll buy stuff to hawk at the stupid conventions, I'll go to a meeting every day, I'll acknowledge that I *NEED* these meetings, I'll ignore my family and put the program first and foremost, anything to stop my kid/husband from having an expensive, time-consuming habit that comes first and foremost and alienates them from the rest of the family because they think they need it!" And they don't see the irony in this AT ALL. It's also slightly ironic to spend 60% of your life devoted to a program that teaches you to live and let live, and how you can't change other people, and you need to work on yourself, etc, and the other 40% of your life 9 ft up someone's ass, pissing and moaning and telling them the way they need to be doing things. Fucking silly. I'd rather she was smoking herb, I bet it's cheaper and takes less time.


Halloween was fun, Jazzie dressed up like a boy (and she fooled everyone, ha ha ha). We went to the stupid mall and went trick or treating, but since Jazzie is allergic to all that candy (chocolate = soy and fruit candy = apple juice) I just made her safe brownies to eat when she got jealous of the chocolate eating other kids. She loves brownies, she just shoved em in her mouth saying "MMMMMMMMMMM" while attempting to swallow them whole.

Jazzie has a new friend, this 2 year old girl named Celina, she's really cute and silly. Her folks are awesome too, and they live right down the street. :)


I'm really excited about Thanksgiving. Since I'm the one who can't eat anything, I'm the one who is making the entire dinner from scratch. It's going to be so exciting, I can't wait.

Anything else I forgot? If I did, I'll make an attempt to update more often because sometimes I'm just lazy and only want to play SHAPE SHIFTER and fuck around on the forums when I get online.

TNB: "I know you was wit my husband"

It's 63 degrees this morning. Sixty-fucking-three! In South Florida, and in the middle of October. It's unheard of, especially since yesterday it was in the high 80s. Time to pull out my one and only hoodie, I suppose.

The other night, I was walking through the neighborhood to the store to buy a box of disposable diapers for Jazzie (we use one disposable per day, all the rest cloth, so a box of 64 will last me until damnear Christmas) and there was a car parked blocking the sidewalk. I didn't want to stomp all over somebody's grass, so instead I walked down the driveway onto the street so I could get by. As I started walking my same path, a car pulled up behind me and stopped. I glanced back to make sure it wasn't a cop, saw a regular silver car with a woman sitting in it, and turned back around to walk but the silver car pulls up in front of me, blocking my way. The window goes down to reveal a large, ugly African-American woman, who looked very angry.

"What were you doing in mah house?" she demands to know.

Oh great, I thought. Now I gotta deal with some TNB.

"What house?" I asked, knowing full well that I hadn't been in anybody's place but my own.

"I seen you leavin' mah house, you walked right out the do', is mah husband home? Did he tell you dat he married?"

Yep, I thought, TNB for fucking sure.

"I wasn't in anybody's house, I'm just going to the store to buy diapers." I responded.

"Bitch, I seen you leave mah house, I know you was wit my husband, walk over dere and see if mah husband is home."

"Why the fuck should I? I didn't do shit," I responded, getting angrier at these baseless accusations. "I'm outta here."

"Get back over here white girl!" she yells, and then lunges at me. She grabbed my hair and pulled hard. I was hot, but at the same time slightly amused at the fact that instead of fighting, we were clearly going to be bitch-fighting. I pushed her away, and she slapped me in the jaw and ear. I was really pissed at this point, so I started running my mouth.

"I don't know your husband, but if I were him I'd be fucking anybody who wasn't your ugly ass," I yelled. Or something along those lines. Then she punched me in the mouth. I punched her in the throat and she steps back for a second, growls "whore" and comes at me again. This time I got her first, punching in the ribs. I was aiming for the solar plexus but missed, and my hand struck pretty harmlessly in her chest, and she went for the bitch-slap to the side of the face again.

"Stupid nigger!" I yelled, throwing another punch to the solar plexus but actually hitting the mark this time. She had a hold of my hair but I pulled away as she tried to regain her wind. We were both rushing towards each other again when about 7-8 kids came running out of the house (you know, the house that I was having the alleged clandestine meeting with her husband) to break us up.

"What's goin' on?" yelled one of the kids.

"That crazy bitch was in mah house, she was wit mah man!" the ugly woman screamed.

"You were in our house? How?" asked another kid, a boy maybe 11 or 12 years old. My guess is that the cherished husband was hanging out in the main room with all these kids during our supposed tryst.

"I wasn't in anybody's fucking house, this dumb whore attacked me, apparently her husband likes little white girls, that's not my fucking fault," I responded angrily.

"Just go," said the oldest kid, who looked about 16. So, I went.

Looking back, I don't know which is more disgusting: the fact that that ugly groid was married or the idea of *shudder* banging the man that would marry that. Gross. So yeah, I can't walk down my own street without getting falsely accused and assaulted by some crazy black women who (for SOME reason) can't hold onto her man so she projects her ugly hatefulness onto any chick who looks better than her (and I'm not being egotistical either, a monkey's red ass looks better than her).

And people wonder why I'm racist?

Jazzie loves Dora the Explorer

Jazzie's party pics