i'm almost done with the clinic, hooray!!!!

posted on the wall of my methadone clinic:

"Beginning Jan 1 2009, no change will be given. Exact change ONLY for dosing."

"Beginning Jan 1 2009, there will be a $50 registration fee. Including the $12 for your dose, you will need to pay $62 for registration."

"Missing two or more days of treatment will result in a discharge from the program, and to return you must pay a $50 re-registration fee ($62 total)."

"Beginning March 1 2009, the price per dose will go up to $13. Remember to have exact change!"

"If phasing [take-home doses] is rejected, staff is NOT required to explain the reason why!!"

rant:

What the fuck is up with that? Especially the no-change thing, it's complete bullshit! The person before me pays his $12 all in singles, and I have a twenty because you can't get 12 bucks at the ATM, and you still haven't put the singles in the drawer, and then you're gonna tell me you CAN'T give me change? I see the fucking change in your fucking hand! How long does it take to count down from twenty?

Every day, all over the planet, things get sold to paying customers: mattresses, light bulbs, stereo systems, car parts, houses, candy bars, baby bibs, fiberglass insulation, fertilizer, everything imaginable! And do they feel the need to treat their customers like shit, jack prices, and refuse to GIVE CHANGE for CASH PURCHASES? Of course not! Because they would get turned into the BBB and no one would buy from them if they did those things. But the folks who go to the clinic, we need our methadone. Just because it's dope, they get to disrespect their customers. Yeah, they don't like to call us customers, I know. We are 'clients' or 'patients' or whateverthefuck. But we pay cash for dope (oh wait, not dope, it's medication) daily, making us customers!

On the street, drug dealers are famous for treating their customers like shit. Why? Because it's dope! "Yeah, I'll be there in five minutes." Five minutes my ass, if these dope dealers were selling anything besides dope they'd be out of a job so fast it would make their heads spin. I guess you hafta expect this sort of shit from street niggers, but they do the same gay shit at the clinic. "We can't give you change for a twenty even though we have it right here, and the price is going up even though each dose costs us about 20c, and if you can't afford your dose or the gas to get here for a couple days we are gonna go ahead and charge you MORE for no good reason, and oh by the way you don't get take homes even though you followed ALL the rules and met all the requirements and we don't hafta tell you shit about why! What are you gonna do, leave? Hahaha!" Stupid fucking legal dope dealers with their stupid gay shit.

/rant

anything that might be mistaken for credibility

Me and Greg took Jazzie to the zoo, and Greg got a little 'trigger-happy' with his camera. We got in for free because he knew someone that knew someone, and Jaz talked to the birds.

The next day (Friday) I went to court. Finally, after months of continuances, the judge was gonna sentence me to four months of house arrest for getting high a year ago. But when I arrived at the courthouse (15 minutes late as usual) my attorney has good news: she had gotten the DA to agree to 'administrative probation', or as the judge later called it, 'cosmetic probation'. Basically, I'd only meet with a PO once, and after that they'd basically trust me, and I wouldn't get the dreaded VOP charge if I got in more trouble (although I would get nailed to the wall, because I'd end up in front of that same judge). That last part was most important, because when you get a VOP around here, you just sit in county with no bail and no court date- and they'll violate you for anythiung too. Fuck that noise.

Anyways, I'd been going in front of this same judge once or twice a month to get continuances since fuckin' April. [note: I have already told this story a billion times on this blog, so PLEASE don't ask "what were you in trouble for?" Just check out my posts from April- it's there.] Back when I got arrested, I didn't have anything that might be mistaken for credibility: I had about a month clean and was pregnant and fresh off the streets. But he's seen me bunches of times with Jaz, as time went by, so he doesn't think I'm just putting on a front for in front of the judge.

On one hand, I'd enrolled in the methadone clinic over a month before I caught that charge. On the other hand, I was on my third-strike drug felony in a conservative, southern, three-strike state. Not good. The judge asked if I'd take the 'administrative probation' with adjudication, and (at the advice of my attorney) said yes. He told me that my charge could catch me a nickel- a 5 year prison sentence, and that once I'd pled guilty he could legally sentence me to the full five. He asked if I trusted him to sentence me. I looked again at my lawyer, and she nodded, telling me to say yes. I said, "yes." The judge says, 'time served, pay court costs.' I had been in jail from 1pm to a little after 6pm.

If I get another felony though...

colorful, pessimistic, inaccurate predictions

I am gonna begin twice-weekly (or possibly more often?) blog updates, if Jasmyne lets me of course. She isn't a big fan of me being online. But today, instead of me babbling on about what the baby did today [Oh my god, she BLINKED!!! That's soooooo cute!!!!!!] I'm gonna go over my favorite predictions from last year's comments. You know, all those Nostradamus wannabes posting what was gonna happen to me, for sure this time? I find it very entertaining, and what I find entertaining is of course what I post. So, with no further bullshit, I give you...

--MICHELLE'S FAVORITE ANONYMOUS PREDICTIONS '08--

February

"First, the attention whore is not pregnant. Second, she will never get off drugs. She has no desire to."

"I've never once said anything bad about michelle... but it's so obvious that this new "pregnancy" story is a fake… who can blame her though? If people will continue to believe her fabrications and still show sympathy for her invisible children, why should she stop?"

March

"I'm going to go ahead and make a prediction here. I predict that in a few days/weeks Michelle will make a post about how she is no longer pregnant, and that she miscarried because of this "accident", and how we should all feel sorry for her...."

"If she really is pregnant, that kid is going straight to social care."

"It seems to me she just dont care about anyone but herself otherwise she would do the responsible thing and be seeking prenatal care and help for her addiction."

"If you have this baby, face it- this man Greg ain't going to take any responsibility."

May

"And you are an idiot if you believe she is not still doing heroin."

"Of course, the chances that you are actually pregnant are pretty slim. So if you really are pregnant why don't you post a pic."

June

"There's no way in hell you're going to not go back to being a junkie whore as soon as it's born. The kid will be left with your parents before it's a week old. I guarantee it."

July

"The only name you should give your (maybe) kid is "Temporary"."

September

"6 months from now you will either be on mmt or back to being a full time junkie. don't kid yourself."

November

"I heard Michelle is back on Dixie Highway..."

"[Jasmyne] IS going through withdrawal… be prepared for your kid to hate you.Once an addict, always an addict; way to set your daughter up for failure."

December

"Your "success" has not driven me away. I'm still waiting patiently for the inevitable train wreck to happen. It's not a matter of if... it's a matter of when. You can spew all you want about how well you're doing, and you're clean, and woo woo woo. But just because you write something in your blog doesn't make it true. And I never really expected you to admit here when the inevitable fuck up happens."

"I give you 3 months before you're back whoring on the street full time. And custody of the kid will be long gone."

"It's all good as your kid will have a better chance once you lose custody-- which you will."

You know the best part of these predictions? None of them came true. Zero. Not a single fucking one. I wasn't pregnant? I was gonna miscarry? I couldn't quit drugs while pregnant? The baby would be taken away immediately? I'd ditch her in her first week? I'd start getting high again soon as she was born? DCF was gonna take her away? Hah! Success is it's own excuse, and this list is proof-positive that you shit-talkers don't know a fucking thing about me. You read, but you don't comprehend.

I look forward to more colorful, pessimistic, inaccurate predictions in '09! Keep 'em coming guys, maybe you'll get one right! : )

watch me on a hidden camera for a month straight

Everyone has been on my ass to update lately, both here and IRL. I guess I'm losing the interest I once had in making this blog great, which kinda sucks because now I have real live readers who actually give a damn about when I write and what about, as well as readers who read every word I write and attempt to use it against me! I started this blog because I was living such an exciting, unpredictable, crazy life and I had daily adventures that I just HAD to write about- the cops rushing into Chuck's house while there was drugs and 'quip everywhere, my friend's car running out of gas in the parking lot of the Sunoco that he had just robbed, me and my boy E peeking out the windows of one of Palm Beach island's most luxurious hotel suites for 36 straight hours, deaths, arrests, moves, efforts at rehabilitation... basically all the junkie drama of a real-life street soap opera. Much less excitement now, which is a good thing for my new family but a bad thing for those hoping for an entertaining story.

Another problem- I can no longer express myself as I wish, because there are multiple pricks out there in cyberspace making increasingly incorrect predictions ("yer baby iz gonna b born a junky1!!!!") and threatening to call DCF every time I type anything that they don't approve of. Honestly, I could care less if these hateful sons of bitches hiding behind their keyboards keep spewing their venom all over my blog- I am 100% pro-freedom, and these folks are entitled to type whatever they want, even if it is useless, incorrect, and libelous. But I also have the freedom to say what I please! After all, this is MY website, is it not? I should be able to say that I've been craving coke bad enough to give me migraines this past week, and not have anyone threaten to use it against my baby!

And by the way, Trish (PTO Mom) was right when she said that drug use (or in this case, simply writing about past and/or possible drug use!) is not enough for anyone to take custody of Jazzie away from me! My child is spoiled rotten, and you could watch me on a hidden camera for a month straight and never even see me YELL at my baby girl, much less abuse, neglect, or endanger her. That kid saved my life, and I am beyond grateful- she is treated with utmost respect and love.

Another reason I'm not on this blog very often is that people are telling me what to write, how to write it, what to add, what NOT to write, when to write, etc. This used to be for me, now he wants me to try and make money off this blog which isn't that big of a deal (I do like money!) but that isn't the priority on here. At least it shouldn't be, and it hasn't been until now. Let's let it remain that way, all righty? Blogging without obligation, bitches! Shit, I'm already gonna make a couple bucks selling all them baby clothes on ebay!

Well anyways, I guess I'll write about baby's first Christmas. She loved it! Jazzie loves Christmas lights, so we would take her for a walk around the neighborhood every night to see all the light displays. Some of them were pretty big and bright, and I could tell Jaz liked them because she made her "interested face" which is: eyes big like saucers, mouth dangling open (with or without a string of drool hanging down), arms sticking out as if to grab what she's looking at. There was a HUGE display of lights at a local chocolate shop called Hoffman's Chocolates, so we took her there. She made the interested face as well as lots of smiles and happy gurgling for about a half hour... then she got a little bit overwhelmed. There were THOUSANDS of lights, as well as a very large group of people (including a bunch of bikers!) talking loudly and laughing- all in all, too much excitement for a baby not quite three months old. I took her out and let her bury her face in my chest so she could calm down. That was a few days before the 25th.

On Christmas Day, I had Jaz help open her presents. She got a bunch of awesome clothes (fuck dope and coke, I am now physically addicted to baby clothes) but a bunch of the stuff I ordered didn't fit. To anyone who wants to order from http://www.punkbabyclothes.net/, order about 2 sizes up: my girl was born in September and the 6 month sizes are too fuckin' small. Also they are giving me problem with exchanging said unworn baby clothes for store credit or the next size up. I will update about this, because I don't want to talk shit about a company that doesn't deserve it! To their credit, they have great stuff... it just runs quite small. Jazzie-bear's favorite present was a rattle that she can munch on (she is teething) and if she starts to cry in the car, I shake the rattle and she (usually, but not always) stops crying. Later on Christmas day I went to see Yes Man with Jim Carrey, and fed Jasmyne in the theater. I figured I'd get to watch half of that movie before she started fidgeting, but no one but me even knew there was a baby in the theater! I did miss the last five minutes to change her diaper, but whatever.

Some stuff to show how spoiled my bear cub is! She is teething (and not even 4 months old yet, crazy huh?) and the teething ring I already had is a little big for her. So Greg and I [and yes bitches, Greggie IS her father!!!!!] went to Babies R Us, which is a very intimidating 'superstore' filled to the brim with shit that you'd never think a baby would need. Spray-on conditioner? Infant eye drops? Crib bumpers and crib skirts? Gems for decorating pacifiers? It's all there- and more! Anyways, we were in the market for a smaller teething toy, and (since it was Babies R Us) we were faced with a huge variety. We bought three different ones just to find the one that she liked best. And neither one of us is working right now!

Also- she doesn't wear disposable diapers. At all. I am one of the only Americans in 2009 who doesn't just use cloth diapers, but FLAT cloth diapers! Here is what I am referring to: http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=28&products_id=276 I hafta scrub shit with my hands, but they are better for Jaz and for the environment. I also have cloth baby wipes, and "cuddle time" at least 5 times a day. Is that abuse, neglect, or endangerment? :)

Well I have to go and feed her once again, so away I go. Tommorrow there will be more (no, really!) because I have put together quite a collage!

*not* for widespread people-pleasing

The first comment on the last post is hilarious! "i thought i was a blog about dancing. turns out its a blog about being a fucking idiot." Hahahahahaha, that made me laugh pretty hard. I appreciate Greg and the second anonymous standing up for me, but being called an idiot online doesn't make me sad all righty? In fact, it cracked me up hardcore- and I needed a laugh! : )

Anyways, the diss/joke/confusion about my blog title tells me that I need to explain where the title of my blog came from, although I'm sure I have posted this same shit at least once in 2 years of bullshitting. If I did, oh well, here it is again. The full title of my blog is the title AND the heading together: "Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music." It is a quote from my comedy hero- the late, great, rude, crude, always angry and incredibly hilarious George Carlin! The quote was too long for a title, so I split it up into the actual "title" part as well as the thingy that goes under it (I can't remember if it's called the heading or description or something totally different) using this "..." 3-dot crap. That is why my blog is known as, "Those who dance..." For those of you who already knew that, you didn't hafta read this paragraph. Ha ha.

Greg wanted me to clarify something from the last post: there is a story behind the illustration that I posted. A little kid drew that picture for school and handed it in to her teacher, who thought that the girl was drawing her mother as a stripper or pole-dancer. So she called in the girl's mama and asked her what she did for a living, and the mama said she worked at Home Depot as a saleswoman. They asked the girl what was up with the drawing, and she answered, "It's you at Home Depot, mama, selling a snow shovel to people!" I just thought it would be funny to post, because I have a little girl and I was a stripper... whatever.

If you didn't like it, I don't much care; this blog is for me, *not* for widespread people-pleasing. I may want everyone to be happy, but I tend not to care what anybody thinks about me personally. But of course anyone who has been reading me for a long time already knows that. Till next time...

taking lemons and making lemonade

I went to court on the 17th. Court began at 845am, and I showed up at 9, like usual. Greg was there, of course, and so was my dad as well as my brother and his friend Travis (who I suppose showed up out of morbid curiosity). The judge called my name around 10, and I told him that I was waiting for my attorney. So I waited, and waited, and waited. I managed to keep little Jaz quiet until noon, when he called me up to the stand. Morning court was damnear over, and my attorney still hadn't shown up. The public defender called her cellphone (which I had already tried and got her voicemail) and she apparently had forgotten that we had court that day. She was at the courthouse, so she offered to run right over in her jeans. I asked the judge if instead, we could reschedule my plea until after the holidays so that I could bring the baby to see my family for Christmas, then waited for him to say NO. He completely surprised me by saying, "well, you've been pretty patient... you've kept the baby quiet too, let's go ahead and reschedule for January [blah]. Go ahead and call [my lawyer's name] and let her know." Not bad, right?

Other than that, nothing much is going on. Jasmyne is the best baby in the world and she is growing a lot, so I just had to get rid of her clothes that didn't fit- most of them! I need 3-6mo sizes now, even though she is not quite 11 weeks old. Anyone who wants to help me out so my baby can have a good Christmas, my paypal virtual-panhandling link is still in the same place.

Still clean, still doing good, still with Greggie, still happy. The thing with me and Greg is this: we disagree about EVERYTHING. Give us a topic- political, economic, social, religious/spiritual, environmental, parenting, fashion, music, movies, families, the temperature outside today, what to watch on TV, how to spend free time, anything at all- and we will argue about it. So we are constantly bickering, sometimes to the point of yelling. But when either me or Greg has a real problem, we declare a temporary truce from whatever pointless "discussion" we are currently involved in and take care of the problem together. That is how you know you're with the right person- if they are there for you when you really need them. Having "soooo much in common" is overrated. Greg and I have NOTHING in common except Jasmyne (and you should hear us argue about her, though not in front of her) and we love each other a lot!

Starting on Jan 24, I get to say that, as a white girl, "the man is keepin' me down." I am gonna use this at every opportunity I get. THAT, by the way, is taking lemons and making lemonade.

By the way, the picture at the top is actually a mom working at Home Depot, selling a snow shovel. But I like it anyway- it fits my blog perfectly, doesn't it?

fuck political correctness!!!!

Oh I just gotta post this!!!! I cannot take credit for it though... shall post where it came from at the bottom okay??? Shelley does NOT plagarize!!

White Guilt is Dead
Free at last, free at last!

By Tom Adkins
Editor's note: This originally appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Look at my fellow conservatives! There they go, glumly shuffling along, depressed by the election aftermath. Not me. I'm virtually euphoric.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not thrilled with America's flirtation with neo-socialism. But there's a massive silver lining in those magical clouds that lofted Barack Obama to the Presidency. For today, without a shred of intellectually legitimate opposition, I can loudly proclaim to America: The Era of White Guilt is over.
This seemingly impossible event occurred because the vast majority of white Americans didn't give a fluff about skin color, and enthusiastically pulled the voting lever for a black man. Not just any black man. A very liberal black man who spent his early career race-hustling banks, praying in a racist church for 20 years, and actively worked with America-hating domestic terrorists. Wow! Some resume! Yet they made Barack Obama their leader. Therefore, as of November 4th, 2008, white guilt is dead.
For over a century, the millstone of white guilt hung around our necks, retribution for slave-owning predecessors. In the 60s, American liberals began yanking that millstone while sticking a fork in the eye of black Americans, exacerbating the racial divide to extort a socialist solution. But if a black man can become President, exactly what significant barrier is left? The election of Barack Obama absolutely destroys the entire validation of liberal white guilt. The dragon is hereby slain.
So today, I'm feeling a little "uppity," if you will. From this day forward, my tolerance level for having my skin color hustled is now exactly ZERO. And it's time to clean house. No more Reverend Wright's "God Damn America," Al Sharpton's Church of Perpetual Victimization, or Jesse Jackson's rainbow racism. Cornell West? You're a fraud. Go home. All those "black studies" programs that taught kids to hate whitey? You must now thank Whitey. And I want that on the final.
Congressional Black Caucus? Irrelevant. Maxine Waters? Shut up. ACORN? Outlawed. Black Panthers? Go home and pet your kitty. Black separatists? Find another nation that offers better dreams. Go ahead. I'm waiting.
Gangsta rappers? Start praising America. Begin with the Pledge of Allegiance. And please, no more ebonics. Speak English, and who knows where you might end up? Oh, yeah, pull up your pants. Your underwear is showing. You look stupid.
Black Fraternities? Seek diversity. Race card? It's now the joker. Miss Black America? Get in line with all the other lovely ladies. Reparations? Paid.
To those Eurosnots who forged entire careers hating America? I'm still waiting for the first black French President.
And let me offer an equal opportunity whupping. I've always despised lazy white people. Now, I can talk smack about lazy black people.You're poor because you quit school, did drugs, had three kids with three different fathers, and refuse to work. So when you plop your Colt 45-swilling, Oprah watchin' butt on the couch and complain "Da Man is keepin' me down," allow me to inform you: Da Man is now black. You have no excuses.
No more quotas. No more handouts. No more stealing my money because someone's great-great-great-great grandparents suffered actual pain and misery at the hands of people I have no relation to, and personally revile.
It's time to toss that massive, obsolete race-hustle machine upon the heap of the other stupid 60s ideas. [[Drag it over there, by wife swapping, next to dope-smoking. Plenty of room right between free love and cop-killing. Careful, don't trip on streaking. There ya go, don't be gentle. Just dumpit. Wash your hands. It's filthy.]]*
In fact, Obama's ascension created a gargantuan irony. How can you sell class envy and American unfairness when you and your black wife went to IvyLeague schools, got high-paying jobs, became millionaires, bought a mansion,and got elected President? How unfair is that??? Now, Like a delicious O'Henry tale, Obama's spread-the-wealth campaign rendered itself moot by it's own victory! America is officially a meritocracy. Obama's election has validated American conservatism!
So, listen carefully...Wham!!!
That's the sound of my foot kicking the door shut on the era of white guilt. The rites have been muttered, the carcass lowered, dirt shoveled, and tombstone erected. White guilt is dead and buried.
However, despite my glee, there's apparently one small, rabid bastion of American racism remaining. Black Americans voted 96% for Barack Obama. Hmmm. In a color-blind world, shouldn't that be 50-50? Tonight, every black person should ask forgiveness for their apparent racism and prejudice towards white people. Maybe it's time to start spreading the guilt around.

Tom Adkins is the former publisher of CommonConservative(http://commonconservative.com/). He can be reached attomadkinscc@yahoo.com.

[*] for the record, Shelley sees NO problem with wife swapping, dope smoking, free love, cop killing, or streaking.