Those who dance...

Go to facebook instead of here.

2010-08-01T21:37:00.001-04:00

Been gone for a while. Refreshing to see folks still talking shit. Anyone who wants more Michelle can follow me on Facebook. My name there is Michelle Angelina and the profile pic is of Jasmyne. All of you haters and your "proof" can kiss my fat white ass. My baby is better taken care of than any of you were by your mommies. :)

picking on someone at her intellectual level

2010-04-18T23:39:00.003-04:00

Had a party this weekend. It's nice to have friends my age, and a boyfriend my age who is fucking awesome, and a sweet little girl to entertain me and make me smile all day. I think the best part of a new relationship is that there aren't any arguments at all. None of that "why the hell did I get with him?" thinking, nothing to fight about at all, just happy faces and sexy bodies. And Jazzie likes him a lot, asks "where's Oz?" when he's not around.

But her favorite person besides me (and I know he's gonna read this eventually) is Rick. Jazzie was running all day long with only a 20 minute nap and some blueberries and raisins for fuel, and she was laying on the floor with her thumb in her mouth looking up at me. Just tired as all hell. Then Rick showed up because he left something at my place, and I told her "Rick is outside." She jumped up from the floor onto her feet and dashed towards the door, screaming "RICK! RICK! RICK!" She made it all the way through the wood chips, the sidewalk, and the wet grass barefoot just to say "hi Rick!" and wave at him when he left. If you are reading this dude, feel special. That baby fucking LOVES you.

I really am enjoying my life right now and all the haters can't stop that. Well, there's really only one hater but she couldn't find this website if I gave her the link and bookmarked it for her because she's too stupid to live (and fat). Yes, I'm referring to M3L!SSA!! the crazy ex-neighbor. She moved away, but she's still doing silly things like texting me the entire time I was in class talking about how my boyfriend is going to a car and bike show with her in Miami this weekend because he hates me and loves her. He basically hasn't left my sight since Thursday night, and I've asked her a couple of times if she and Oz are enjoying the car and bike show that they went to together. She responded by insulting my 18 month old on Facebook. I guess she's picking on someone at her intellectual level so I can't be too hard on her. Plus, it must suck to lose at everything you do and look like she does. If she doesn't leave me alone, I'm gonna toss her a link to this blog so that she can leave hater comments and all my readers (both of them) can see how much she sucks and maybe even dislike her as well.

TEA PARTY

2010-04-15T08:42:00.004-04:00

Tax Day Tea Party today! Anyone interested in joining this pro-freedom pro-America grassroots movement, google the location of the nearest protest and help us fight for lower taxes, less spending and government entitlements, and personal freedom! I'll be in downtown West Palm Beach today at 6pm.

ell, you in this round, ni**er

2010-04-01T20:55:00.001-04:00

Been havin* fun, han*in* out *ith lots of different folks. Today is April fools day, and someone tried to s*itch the "double u" and the letter bet*een F and H as a joke. *hat they actually accomplished *as breakin* those t*o letters and made them totally unusable. Not sure if "unusable" is a *ord, but there it is either *ay.

wishful thinking

2010-03-22T18:37:00.003-04:00

I wish I weighed 120 pounds. I actually weigh about 137 pounds, which is lame. I've been eating mostly vegetables like broccoli, brussels sprouts, spinach and lettuce, celery, cucumber, cabbage, radishes, spaghetti squash, carrots, and the like. I think all the green shit is messing up my stomach though. Sucks. I really love salads (every day it's what I eat for breakfast and lunch) but I only will eat protein-filled salads with crunchies. My typical salad has lettuce, spinach, celery, carrots, cucumber, brussels sprouts, broccoli, hard boiled eggs, chicken, bacon, cheese, and sliced toasted almonds. With all that stuff on there I don't need but a tiny drop or so of dressing, which I can make myself.

I have two weeks off from school! WTF am I supposed to do with myself and my kid during that time? I can't wait to get back and have something to do during the day. Right now I just smoke a lot, play outside or at the park, and go to Publix often to make some new healthful food. Bored to shit.

rich people food

2010-03-14T09:04:00.003-04:00

So, this guy's ex girlfriend is completely insane. But more than just insane. I can also add the following descriptive adjectives: stupid, immature, mean, petty, jealous, fat, ugly, spiteful, malevolent (that one she probably wouldn't understand), rude, cowardly, a liar, full of shit, stupid, throws temper tantrums like a toddler, inattentive as a mother, fat, compulsive eater, dirty, smelly, never cleans, STUPID, IMMATURE, middle school mentality, cop-caller, and more than anything else a LIAR. I was gonna write a list of offenses, both large and small, that this little girl (21 years old) has committed in the time that I've known her. Keep in mind that not all of these things are that bad on their own, but they do put together a personality profile that is quite unflattering:

-She lies constantly- about small things that don't matter (such as her daughter walked at 8 months and that she went to the emergency room for a rash), about bizarre things in an attempt for sympathy (such as she got into a car accident and hurt a newborn baby out of her car seat, and that she has severe scoliosis), and damaging lies about other people (those will be listed seperately).
-She types her name like this M3L!SSA!!
-She has a new "love of her life with him forever" ever couple of weeks or so (they always dump her every couple of weeks is why).
-She dated a Jewish guy who was basically Jamie Kennedy's character from Malibu's Most Wanted (I called him B-Rad, he actually would snap his fingers in the air and yell "daaaaaaaaamn nigga dat's mah jam!" when the new T-Pain or whatever song came on top 40 radio).
-She called the police on her other ex (the one I am sorta kinda with now) for beating her, which he never did.
-She told a friend's boyfriend that the friend had been sucking a black dude's dick in the back seat of a car, causing boyfriend to break up with her since boyfriend had never met M3L!SSA! and had no way of knowing how incredibly full of shit she is.
-She constantly text messages and talks to guys on myspace instead of watching her 2-year-old daughter, and then makes empty threats to slap her and put her to bed when she demands attention.
-She is fat (5'1 over 200 pounds), eats nothing but junk food, and is ugly.
-She never cleans her house (her live Christmas tree finally went out in March) and it smells awful in there, also doesn't take much of a shower.
-She is loud and annoying.
-She is stupid and has absolutely no depth to her.
-She accused my brother of buying stolen pills (the pills were never stolen)
-she txt b0mbz me all dae wit txt msgz tht l00k lyk thys
-She throws temper tantrums like a 4-year-old.
-She calls the police on anyone who says anything to her.
-She called my daughter fat, stupid, and ugly on text messages but is too cowardly to say anything to my face.
-She is delusional to the point where seeing her ex in the mall (he didn't see her) means that the two of them must be getting back together.
-She is desperate for a man, and desperation is ugly.
-She makes the lip-pursed dick sucking fish face in all of her myspace photos, which are mostly taken in the bathroom.
-She threatened to call the police and DCF on me for stealing pills (the ones I supposedly sold to my brother) and shooting heroin, stating that "the cops will believe me when they see your tracks."
-She comes into my house, eats all my food, leaves the dirty dishes laying out, leaves my kid's food laying out because her kid won't eat anything but McDonalds and when her kid says no she won't bother to put the food away and it goes bad, and then gets on my laptop and makes me watch both kids.
-She makes little comments about how fat my daughter is (the pot calling the kettle black, at least my kid is fat from blueberries and multi-grain bagels instead of Oreos and Happy Meals).
-She sends her mom (who is just as crazy as she is) to my house at 1030pm screaming about stolen pills.
-She drives unsafely and doesn't buckle her toddler into a car seat ever.
-She takes one sip of one beer and uses it as an excuse to act like a piece of shit all night because "I'M SOOOO DRUNK!!!!!"
-She pretends to do drugs to look cool in front of people.
-She threatened to get my daughter taken away over lies.
-She sends text messages revealing her hand: "if you keep messing with oz i will call dcf and tell them you're shooting heroin" and "see jon again and i'll call the cops". Incriminating evidence, anyone?
-She showed up at my house at 1130pm asking "is oz there?" banging on my door.

There is tons more, but that's enough for now. Threatening my daughter was her biggest mistake, because I don't fuck around when it comes to baby Jasmyne. I did something that I've never done before- I went to the police. With all the threats (on text message, easily provable) about false reports to DCF, I wanted to have it written down in an official report so that anything she says to DCF will immediately be colored as the lie that it is. I went to the police station and filed a report for verbal harassment and threats of false allegations to authorities. Did you know that filing a fictional abuse report is a felony? Long story short, we now have a no-contact order and cannot see each other, call or text. I won't shed a tear over that tragedy. Sucks that our kids can't hang out, but that crazy ass little girl (I mean the mother, not the baby, I would never talk shit about a baby because I'm not like her) is just too fucking much to deal with.

So yesterday, after the police station, I went to my school to work at this:
http://www.americanfinewinecompetition.com/
It was an enormously overly fancy wine and food gala to benefit Haiti relief. I know, I know, what a hypocrite. I don't give a flying rat's ass about Haiti, but what fun it was! Being the students, we were just waiters and wine pourers and table busers and plate prep. But the money was good, the people were good, I had such a great time and it was a good learning/networking opportunity. I do have a stomachache from all the rich people food, and it was also funny to see how sloshed the rich folks got off the overpriced bottles of prize-winning wine.

2010-02-27T20:49:00.001-05:00

so excited!

2010-02-27T12:54:00.002-05:00

The guy is getting out of jail tomorrow and coming to see me! I'm so excited! He sent me the sappiest card (late valentines day thing, ugh) and said he's coming over around noon.

Jasmyne put on one of my chef hats and ran around the house. I got pics, but my pic uploader is being silly so when I get em uploaded I'll post. Also some new pics of me, looking sexy and slim at 130 pounds :) I can even fit into my pre-baby size 6 jeans which is awesome.

mine are, well, MINE

2010-02-24T23:57:00.001-05:00

So, I finished my report about cilantro and coriander. I just finished it half an hour ago in fact, which is pretty funny because it's due tomorrow and I've had 4 weeks to do it. I find I work better under pressure. Part of the report is an original recipe using our chosen herb or spice, and we get bonus points for bringing in a sample of said recipe. Since this is a culinary school for cooking enthusiasts who want to go pro, it's not really bonus points for bringing in the food. It's actually just points taken off if you decide to be an idiot. I made some bomb-ass chicken and black bean enchiladas, and shall post the recipe at the end of this post. I realize that chicken and black bean enchiladas have been done before, but mine are, well, MINE. I can't wait for school tomorrow, to try all the different foods that are being brought in.

I think I'm finally kicking this cold! Or bronchitis, or whatever it is. I have an asthma inhaler (prescribed) that really, really, REALLY helps especially now that I'm out of the cough syrup. I'm probably going to go over to my neighbor's house (not the one who lies all the time, but another neighbor who is awesome) to see her first tattoo that she just got. I love tats. My next one will be Jasmyne's name, right above a rose I have on my right ankle.

To address a comment I received: why should I "settle" for a guy with a criminal record? First off, why should a guy without a criminal record "settle" for a girl with 3 felony convictions and countless misdemeanors? Also, a relationship is better if the people involved in it have something in common. This dude and I have tons in common, and he's someone I can just sit with and talk to for hours without either one of us getting bored. The sex is also good. What do I want a square dude for anyways? Not my style at all. And btw, I am going to school. Maybe not general ed college, but a school that will actually teach me something I can use to get a job. A good job, that pays money. I'd rather be a chef and making money all the time (no matter how bad the economy gets, folks still hafta eat) than a writer and starving to death my whole life.

Chicken and black bean enchiladas
Yield: 5 enchiladas
½ pound dry black beans
2 tsp onion powder
1 bay leaf
1 tbsp olive oil
½ large onion, diced
1 pound boneless skinless chicken breast, cut into strips
taco seasoning*
1 tomato, diced and seeded
1 jalapeno pepper, diced
2 large slices red bell pepper, diced
2 scallions, diced
4-5 cilantro leaves, coarsely chopped and divided
3 tbsp fresh lime juice, divided
1-3 drops Tabasco sauce
5 flat, round, whole-grain tortillas
3c freshly grated colby jack cheese
salt and black pepper to taste

*for taco seasoning, ½ packet of commercial seasoning can be used, or the following can be combined in a small bowl:

1 tbsp all-purpose flour
1 tsp kosher salt
1 tsp white sugar
½ tsp paprika
½ tsp onion powder
½ tsp cumin
½ tsp chili powder
½ tsp garlic powder
½ tsp oregano
¼ tsp parsley
crushed red pepper flakes (to taste)

1)Sort and soak the dry beans according to package directions (quick soak or overnight). Drain beans and refill pot with water, salt, onion powder, and bay leaf. Bring to a boil, then lower heat to medium and simmer until tender, about 1-2 hours. Drain beans and set aside, reserving about 3/4c of the cooking liquid.
2)Line a cookie sheet with foil and preheat oven to 350F.
3)Heat a sautoir with olive oil and saute the diced onion until translucent. Add chicken strips and saute until fully cooked, then set aside and allow to cool.
4)While chicken is cooling, combine tomato, jalapeno, red bell pepper, scallions, 2 cilantro leaves, 1 tsbp lime juice, Tabasco, and kosher salt (to taste) to make fresh salsa.
5)Shred chicken with fingers and return to sautoir, setting the heat to low.
6)Add taco seasoning and ¼c water to the chicken, stirring until liquid is mostly absorbed. Add cooked beans, fresh salsa, 2 tbsp lime juice, and enough of the reserved bean-cooking liquid to moisten mixture. Heat through, then remove from heat.
7)Lay a tortilla down on the prepared cookie sheet and spoon chicken-bean-salsa mixture into the center in a straight line. Roll up the tortilla into a tube and place on one side of cookie sheet. Repeat this process with the other 4 tortillas.
8)Using a pastry brush, lightly coat each enchilada with olive oil.
9)Top with shredded cheese and 2-3 cilantro leaves. Bake at 350F until cheese is melted and golden, serve immediately.

anyone can lie and cops are pricks

2010-02-22T21:49:00.003-05:00

So, they switched our groups at school and I am now working with someone who doesn't know his asshole from his elbow. He couldn't even wash the dishes, just stacked em under the table and stood there while we attempted to make food. Lame. He's gonna drag down my average, and I'm almost at an A (89% at the moment). Tomorrow's quiz and my cilantro report/recipe should bring my score up to an A no question.

And yeah, I was catching a buzz off the hydromet. So? I'm out of it, and I'm still taking care of my business instead of going out to the hood to cop one more fix. All of that "addicts are addicts forever and can never use anything because one is too many and the drug causes all the compulsion to come back" crap is just crap. I can get high without acting like an asshole about it, I'm not some sort of diseased cripple. And btw I don't care what anyone was arrested for, anyone can lie and cops are pricks. I only care what people actually did. For example, if someone shot someone and then got arrested for pot, I'd avoid them way more than the person who got arrested for domestic violence without actually doing the crime. Living next door to an oxy addict? She's not an oxy addict, she's a liar who doesn't even do pills. It's just another layer of the facade.

Naomi- congrats to your sister for the new baby. They are so loud and obnoxious when they are born, no?

I miss my kid so much during the week, I only get to see her in the mornings and then I get home at 6pm and she goes to bed an hour and a half later. Fri-Sat-Sun is the only real quality time I get to spend with her, can't wait until the weekend.

finally, right? wtf?

2010-02-21T12:51:00.002-05:00

Been busy, not really too busy to update. Just too lazy. Whatever, not like I'm getting paid for this or anything. Plus I have shit to do all weekend.

So, I started culinary school. I go 4 days a week in the afternoons, and Jazzie goes to daycare. She picks up every cold and every flu and every virus and gives it to me. I then can't even attend class without hydromet cough syrup so I end up with a bottle of that a month (and I might need another for Monday) because I will get thrown out of class for coughing. Lame. It works really well though. School is awesome. I love to play around with recipes in that enormous well-stocked kitchen, with their Meyer lemons and Hungarian paprika and 5000-year-old pink Himalayan mountain salt. Everyone at my entire school smokes pot, which I think is hilarious. I think my chef does, and he's a Chinese man in his 60s. My chef (my teacher) is awesome, we make tons of delicious food and I love everything about school except the bus.

I don't always have to take the bus, but since I don't get my stupid govt-issued driving permission slip until March (and even then, just the hardship license since it's been over a year since my non-driving felony conviction and I am almost eligible) I have to take it home from school often. It took me a while to figure out the best route from the school to my house. At first I was waiting 25 minutes for a connection, which was lame. Also that bus was just filled with smelly Haitians. Before anyone says "racism!" you gotta understand that I live in South Florida, filled with Haitians, and that no amount of sensitivity training in the world is gonna change the fact that these people constantly reek of fish, vinegar, and fetid garbage. I was waiting for my bus at [whatever] sitting on a divided bench, and an older Haitian man comes and sits right next to me. Not on the other side of the divider, not on one of the 3 empty nearby benches, but rubbing up against me so that his vinegar stank was touching my school clothes. Barf. He asked me what my name was, I said Leslie or Lola or something with an L. Then he asked if I was single. DOUBLE BARF! I told him I was married with three kids, which I figured was four problems too many to overcome. Then I got up and got the hell away from him. The smell was really bad. But other than Haitians, I don't mind the bus much. I don't really have to focus on anything like I do during the rest of my life, I can smoke at the bus stops, and now that I've figured out the proper route I don't have to smell any stinky people on my whole ride.

My daughter is awesome. She's almost 17 months now and not as chunky as she used to be. She walks by herself (kind of a penguin waddle, but fast), she goes to the potty every morning, she says sentences (example: "I drink it all"), she loves Dora the Explorer and Go Diego Go but hates Ni-Hao Kai-Lan (which is a pretty annoying show), she eats so many different delicious healthful foods, she puts her toys away when she's done, she loves to empty cabinets and drawers, she has tantrums all over the floor, she giggles when you touch her, she's afraid of guys and doctors, she loves to play with blocks, her favorite food is a cracker, she's still allergic to soy, and she's finally growing a little bit of hair!

Words that Jazzie can say include, but are not limited to: mama, grandpa, abuela, ball, block, cracker, hi, hello, bye, no, mine, yeah, yum, dora, map, backpack, orange, color, walk, park, shoes, dog, woof, meow, bird, up, oh no, uh oh, cheese, bread, drink, juice, panda, want, shit, poop, boob, now, more, and tickle.

Being clean is awesome. I got 2 years this month, by my rules of course. :) I don't do any of those bullshit meetings, but instead when I want to get high I man the fuck up and don't do it. That disease crap is all crap anyway.

I met a dude. He's actually in jail at the moment, but he's awesome. I met him when he was dating my neighbor, and she called the cops on him and said that he was beating her. I don't believe for a second that he was beating her. My neighbor also said that a friend of ours stole $300 from her and held her daughters head underwater, and that someone broke in and took a safe containing $700, and that someone else got arrested for having dirty needles all over the apartment, and that she got in a car accident and told the cop she was on roxys and the paramedics did a scoliosis test to determine whether or not she needed to be prescribed roxys, and a host of other fantastic stories which throw her trustworthiness into question. So yeah, he didn't beat her. But he is really sexy and a lot like me (scary huh).

Yesterday I went to the zoo with baby brother (who is here for the weekend) and our friend Rick and Jazzie of course. Jazzie loves to walk around the zoo and mimic all the animal noises. We had lunch at the overpriced zoo cafeteria, where I discovered that my kid won't eat french fries or chicken nuggets. Won't even TRY french fries or chicken nuggets, or for that matter hot dogs either. She wanted her yogurt, raisins, blueberries and pieces of cheddar cheese. I guess I've done a good job feeding her healthy, but she wouldn't even taste a french fry. What kind of a weird toddler?

I wanted to do this sort of general update so that I could update my boring daily stuff more often.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-26T15:06:00.002-05:00

I'll be on my NEW laptop pretty soon and then I'll actually update, but here's this quick tidbit: Merry Christmas, me and Jazzie had a great one, she is spoiled rotten with piles and piles of toys and books and stuff in general. I made a cake for Christmas Eve and it actually didn't stick or burn or fall apart or anything, my butter frosting was awesome too. I start school pretty soon (already did orientation) and my daughter goes to daycare for the first time next week (probably the 28th). Fun for everyone.

they don't see the irony in this AT ALL

2009-11-07T08:29:00.008-05:00

Hey friends, stalkers, and assholes- I am now on myspace. I don't really know if I like it or not, but I figured I was the only American non-Amish under the age of 25 who didn't have a myspace, so I signed up. The url is www.myspace.com/floridashelley if anyone gives a crap.

I've decided what I want to do for a career, and that's cooking. Because of Jazzie's soy allergy I've had to be really creative in making food, since I can't go out to eat. It used to annoy me that I couldn't eat anything at any restaurant, but now I really enjoy going over menus and figuring out how to make the menu items tastier, healthier, and soy free. I'm making up my own recipes too, and trying them out. Jazzie loves to eat new foods (well, until a couple days ago because she's been pretty sick, barfing and shitting all over the place, she's finally getting better) so she enjoys it, and I love the complicated stressful running around multitasking chaos that is making a really complicated meal from scratch.

So in January, I'm going to the Florida Culinary Institute. When I was having my admissions interview, they asked for a copy of my high school diploma which I have. Imagine my surprise when I learned that the shitty boarding school I was forced in (and kept there with force) was not accredited by anything other than the guy running it. I did 3 1/2 years in high school, graduated and got a diploma, and technically I'm a high school dropout because my diploma isn't worth the paper it's printed on. I took a test to show that I know how to say "where are you?" instead of "where you at?" and that I can add fractions and do long division, so I got in anyways. I want to take the GED though, not for school but just for me. But I got accepted and financial aid is taking care of me with a Pell grant and a couple of student loans, so I start college (well, vocational school) on January 4th.

I'd go to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday in the afternoons. My mom will watch Jazzie Monday and Wednesday and then Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm gonna find a good day care for her. I need to find a day care that fits 3 qualifications:
1) close by (if my kid has an emergency, I don't want her to be in buttfuck egypt)
2) food allergy sensitive (don't give my kid crackers or apple juice)
3) cloth diapers ok (disposables cost too much damn $$$)
4) lets parents come in to see the babies whenever they want without an appt (nothing to hide)
5) lets me pay by the day and not by the week (I don't want to pay for 5 days and bring her in for only 2)
I think I might have found a place that fits all those qualifications but it's expensive. I'm going on Monday to check out their toddler class, where Jazzie would be.

Jazzie is such a big girl though, she loves to play with other babies and toys and crawl around screaming. She doesn't walk yet, but she says a lot of words and imitates everything. And she's growing so much hair! I bought her conditioner, although to be completely honest it's more wishful thinking than anything else.

Wal-Mart stopped selling shorts for "the winter." Apparently their corporate warehouses or whatever ship the same clothes to ALL Wal-Marts for the different seasons. The problem is, that leaves folks in northern Montana wearing the same clothes in November that the folks in Miami wear in November. and I bet the temperatures are slightly different. Like today, it's over 80 degrees and it's not even 9am. What the fuck "winter" are they referring to? All I see in Wal-Mart is coats, jackets, sweatpants, long sleeves, etc. If I wore those clothes I would pass out in the street. Baby only owns 1 coat, and she's only worn it twice (and both times for less than 1 hour). It doesn't get cold out this way until January at least, and even that "cold" is 50 degrees at the chilliest and lasts for less than 3 weeks. Fucking "winter."

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate Al-Anon. Bunch of whiny empty nest bitches who were magically told by Jesus that if they go to enough retarded meetings and pray hard enough, little Johnny will stop smoking weed and their husband will stop drinking and beating their ass every day. "Al-Anon, help! My family hates me! They have an expensive, time-consuming habit that alienates them from the rest of the family because they think they need it and put their habit first and foremost, and that's just totally wrong! Please Al-Anon, I'll pay your fees, I'll donate, I'll put money down for the expensive hotel room for the 3-5 conferences every year, I'll buy stuff to hawk at the stupid conventions, I'll go to a meeting every day, I'll acknowledge that I *NEED* these meetings, I'll ignore my family and put the program first and foremost, anything to stop my kid/husband from having an expensive, time-consuming habit that comes first and foremost and alienates them from the rest of the family because they think they need it!" And they don't see the irony in this AT ALL. It's also slightly ironic to spend 60% of your life devoted to a program that teaches you to live and let live, and how you can't change other people, and you need to work on yourself, etc, and the other 40% of your life 9 ft up someone's ass, pissing and moaning and telling them the way they need to be doing things. Fucking silly. I'd rather she was smoking herb, I bet it's cheaper and takes less time.

Halloween was fun, Jazzie dressed up like a boy (and she fooled everyone, ha ha ha). We went to the stupid mall and went trick or treating, but since Jazzie is allergic to all that candy (chocolate = soy and fruit candy = apple juice) I just made her safe brownies to eat when she got jealous of the chocolate eating other kids. She loves brownies, she just shoved em in her mouth saying "MMMMMMMMMMM" while attempting to swallow them whole.

Jazzie has a new friend, this 2 year old girl named Celina, she's really cute and silly. Her folks are awesome too, and they live right down the street. :)

I'm really excited about Thanksgiving. Since I'm the one who can't eat anything, I'm the one who is making the entire dinner from scratch. It's going to be so exciting, I can't wait.

Anything else I forgot? If I did, I'll make an attempt to update more often because sometimes I'm just lazy and only want to play SHAPE SHIFTER and fuck around on the forums when I get online.

TNB: "I know you was wit my husband"

2009-10-18T07:29:00.002-04:00

It's 63 degrees this morning. Sixty-fucking-three! In South Florida, and in the middle of October. It's unheard of, especially since yesterday it was in the high 80s. Time to pull out my one and only hoodie, I suppose.

The other night, I was walking through the neighborhood to the store to buy a box of disposable diapers for Jazzie (we use one disposable per day, all the rest cloth, so a box of 64 will last me until damnear Christmas) and there was a car parked blocking the sidewalk. I didn't want to stomp all over somebody's grass, so instead I walked down the driveway onto the street so I could get by. As I started walking my same path, a car pulled up behind me and stopped. I glanced back to make sure it wasn't a cop, saw a regular silver car with a woman sitting in it, and turned back around to walk but the silver car pulls up in front of me, blocking my way. The window goes down to reveal a large, ugly African-American woman, who looked very angry.

"What were you doing in mah house?" she demands to know.

Oh great, I thought. Now I gotta deal with some TNB.

"What house?" I asked, knowing full well that I hadn't been in anybody's place but my own.

"I seen you leavin' mah house, you walked right out the do', is mah husband home? Did he tell you dat he married?"

Yep, I thought, TNB for fucking sure.

"I wasn't in anybody's house, I'm just going to the store to buy diapers." I responded.

"Bitch, I seen you leave mah house, I know you was wit my husband, walk over dere and see if mah husband is home."

"Why the fuck should I? I didn't do shit," I responded, getting angrier at these baseless accusations. "I'm outta here."

"Get back over here white girl!" she yells, and then lunges at me. She grabbed my hair and pulled hard. I was hot, but at the same time slightly amused at the fact that instead of fighting, we were clearly going to be bitch-fighting. I pushed her away, and she slapped me in the jaw and ear. I was really pissed at this point, so I started running my mouth.

"I don't know your husband, but if I were him I'd be fucking anybody who wasn't your ugly ass," I yelled. Or something along those lines. Then she punched me in the mouth. I punched her in the throat and she steps back for a second, growls "whore" and comes at me again. This time I got her first, punching in the ribs. I was aiming for the solar plexus but missed, and my hand struck pretty harmlessly in her chest, and she went for the bitch-slap to the side of the face again.

"Stupid nigger!" I yelled, throwing another punch to the solar plexus but actually hitting the mark this time. She had a hold of my hair but I pulled away as she tried to regain her wind. We were both rushing towards each other again when about 7-8 kids came running out of the house (you know, the house that I was having the alleged clandestine meeting with her husband) to break us up.

"What's goin' on?" yelled one of the kids.

"That crazy bitch was in mah house, she was wit mah man!" the ugly woman screamed.

"You were in our house? How?" asked another kid, a boy maybe 11 or 12 years old. My guess is that the cherished husband was hanging out in the main room with all these kids during our supposed tryst.

"I wasn't in anybody's fucking house, this dumb whore attacked me, apparently her husband likes little white girls, that's not my fucking fault," I responded angrily.

"Just go," said the oldest kid, who looked about 16. So, I went.

Looking back, I don't know which is more disgusting: the fact that that ugly groid was married or the idea of *shudder* banging the man that would marry that. Gross. So yeah, I can't walk down my own street without getting falsely accused and assaulted by some crazy black women who (for SOME reason) can't hold onto her man so she projects her ugly hatefulness onto any chick who looks better than her (and I'm not being egotistical either, a monkey's red ass looks better than her).

And people wonder why I'm racist?

Jazzie loves Dora the Explorer

2009-10-16T11:39:00.000-04:00

Jazzie's party pics

2009-10-04T11:13:00.003-04:00

Happy first birthday Jasmyne Rose!!!!!!

2009-09-26T10:07:00.002-04:00

My baby girl turns one today, she's got a stack of presents and I've been cooking all of yesterday (and shall be cooking again during her nap) for her big family party at my folk's house today. I will post lots of pictures.

9/12 March on Washington DC

2009-09-15T09:03:00.012-04:00

,

If you've been watching the news lately, you probably haven't heard about the 9/12 March. Well you might have... you know, the giant KKK rally? Where "thousands" of "conservatives" marched on the Capitol in Washington DC to like, oppress black people and kill puppies and whatnot. What actually happened, was over a million Americans marched on the Capitol in Washington DC to protest socialism, health-care reform, Obama, his 32 czars, Nancy Pelosi, the media, and foreign aid. Well, I was there and I got pictures to prove it.

Nothing could have been more fun than going to DC last week. I was at my parents house on Wednesday night, and we left on Thursday morning for a 7am flight, which Jazzie didn't much appreciate. We arrived at the airport at around 630am and realized that Jaz had peed through her entire outfit and onto my mom's shirt. I didn't even have an extra outfit in the carry-on bags, since she hasn't done that for months, so she went on the plane in just a shirt and her diaper cover. She didn't cry or whine or annoy anyone on the plane, she mostly slept and nursed and played quietly. We arrived at Reagan Airport in what is apparently Virginia at around 930am and jumped on the Metro to our hotel in downtown DC.

We got to the hotel and were told that our rooms wouldn't be ready until around 3pm. Jaz ate some oatmeal and some raisins and Cheerios at the airport, but she was a little grumpy because she usually eats a whole bunch of fruit for her meals (watermelon, blueberries, bananas, grapes, mangoes, avocado, papaya, etc). So we dropped off our luggage with the hotel folks and walked the 20 blocks over to Whole Foods. She slept the whole way over in her stroller, and when she woke up we already had her food ready and baby felt a lot better after eating her normal stuff for lunch. On the way back to the hotel, we took a cab because we didn't want to walk 20 blocks back with big grocery bags which was exciting for Jazzie.

We got tired of hanging out in the lobby, so I walked the stroller into Chinatown for no apparent reason. I learned that Newports were about ten bucks a pack in downtown DC, which is fucking sick, but I found a homeboy on the street selling Newport packs for $5. You can bet your ass I bought those. I got back to the hotel at 4pm (an hour after our room was supposed to be ready) and they told me it would be another 45 minutes. Hells to the no. I spit game until I got us different connecting rooms that were available immediately, and we went up to the 7th floor. Lucas showed up around 7pm and we went to eat at a nearby steakhouse but they had an "indefinite wait time" which was shit so we had to go to a sandwich shop instead. Jazzie had her food, but I can't eat at restaurants except for steak cooked in nothing and salad with no dressing (because of soy) so I didn't eat anything, figuring I'd figure out a way to have breakfast.

That night after Jazzie went to sleep, Lucas and I went out in DC. We had a great time, and we did finally get something to eat. :) DC is a real city, and we wanted to enjoy our time in it. The next morning (September 11) I ate breakfast meats cooked in butter at the hotel restaurant. Bacon, ham, eggs, and cheese on Whole Foods bread, basically plaque on a whole-wheat bun. It was delicious and filled with protein. We went to the Smithsonian Institute and looked at the animals, which Jazzie really enjoyed and pointed at a lot.

That night there were huge pre-Tea Party parties at the Hyatt, at our hotel, and in the streets. Lucas and I drank Long Island iced teas and talked to different people. We were compiling a list of all the different states that protesters were from, and the biggest group was from Florida (that we met) and then Ohio and Texas. Three of the necessary electoral states. :) :) The South in general was very well represented, but there were West Coasters and New Englanders as well. When I asked a Southerner what state they were from, they would scream it: "TEXAS!!" "ALABAMA!!" "TENNESSEE!!" "FLORIDA!!" but when you asked some of the others, they'd look down and whisper: "um, Massachusetts" "*cough* California *cough*" which I found pretty amusing. Another good night in the big city.

The next morning we were there for the march at 9am. Folks were gathering up at Freedom Plaza earlier, but Jazzie had to eat her breakfast first. There were so many people there, and they were all smiling and happy and talking to each other and us. The signs that folks were holding up were often funny and creative, and in that whole crowd I didn't see one single sign that used the words "black" "Negro" or "nigger." I also didn't see any black folks there protesting, except for the ACORN counter-protesters. I'm glad that the ACORN folks were there, because they were exercising their first amendment rights same as the rest of us. I think the black folks who were there, protesting against Obama, that shows some real courage on their part- awesome for them.

There was a helicopter overhead, so we started yelling at it "read the bill! read the bill!" but we were passing by a building with the first amendment written on the wall (ironically enough, the Museum of Journalism) so Lucas started chanting "read the wall! read the wall!" Of course, it's really easy to start a chant in a crowd like that so everyone quickly caught on. A woman with a loudspeaker was trying to read the text of the first amendment but signs were in the way, so I ran over to her and showed her my smaller sign which had it written. I think we accomplished a lot at that march.

Here are some signs that I saw there that I didn't get any pictures of for one reason or another:
"I got tired of yelling at my TV so I came here"
"We are exercising our first amendment rights, but if that fails, there's always the second amendment."
"Bury Obamacare with Kennedy"
"Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than all of my guns"
"THIS time we came unarmed!"
"Okay, I'm here, now where's my check?"
"Where will Canadians go for their healthcare?"
(held by a man in an Obama mask) "It's not my fault, it was the previous administration"

Oh, and we actually cleaned up after ourselves too. :)

what I've been up to

2009-08-12T07:46:00.002-04:00

=I've been traveling a lot with baby and others and having a great time. Today is this concert called the Rockstar Mayhem Tour.

http://www.mayhemfest.com

It's gonna be so much damn fun.

a day in the life

2009-07-16T13:48:00.012-04:00

I tried to put these pictures in order, but I'm not the most computer-savvy bitch alive (obviously) so here they are randomly. This is just one really fun day with baby, if you think it's boring or redundant I don't really care. Bask in the glory of Jasmyne's beautiful face.

at the grocery store

making sleepy faces on the changing table

right after eating a snack (banana)

the same grocery store trip as before, reaching for orange juice

look at her teeth! 8 of 'em now!

car seat chillin'

more grocery shoppin'- Jazzie loves mushrooms

at this indoor playground in Gardens

crawlin' around the house

more car seat chillin'

same indoor playground

bouncing her on the trampoline

eating... breakfast? lunch? dinner?

big smiles

she's like a puppy who got into her kibble, no?

look at my sweet baby!

2009-07-13T21:02:00.005-04:00

She can pull herself up on furniture and people now, and today she stood all by herself for about 3-4 seconds before toppling over.

This is after Jazzie ate a bagel with cream cheese all by herself- she practically used it as a napkin.

July 4th tea party pics- my favorite sign was "stop foreign aid".

Took me long enough, I know, but finally new pictures of fat baby. I am using Firefox now, no more shitty Internet Explorer! IE wouldn't let me upload my pictures, it just shut the picture folder every time I tried to upload anything from the folder to this blog or a message board or anything. Also it wouldn't let me log into gmail (I got 2 accounts and it wouldn't allow me into either) or play certain online games and AIM closes down while I'm talking and it froze up all the time- basically acted shitty all the time. Fuck Internet Explorer! No problems so far with Firefox. Silly name for a browser, but whatever. I'm not exactly a "computer person", I spend a lot of time online but it's mostly making money or writing or talking to other folks on message boards or chat rooms or AIM.

Jasmyne eats everything that I eat. Fettuccine alfredo, chicken pot pie, macaroni and cheese, lasagna, spaghetti and meat sauce, pizza, chicken with rice, squash soup, guacamole, bagels with cream cheese, grilled cheese and pickle sandwiches, salmon fillets, everything. I'm so glad that she's not a picky eater, on top of all her damn allergies. She eats healthful food, and a hell of a lot of it. An average meal for her: macaroni with meat sauce, mushrooms and leeks, blueberries, cherries, avocado, little pieces of cheese, green beans, a banana, and some yogurt or cottage cheese. I think she eats more than me volume-wise, without allowing for proportion. It's nuts. I really love that big baby- she's about 20 pounds now (apparently she's slightly below average, weight-wise).

I think Greg and I are broken up, but I'm not sure. He showed up past midnight, ranting and raving and telling me to wake up the baby which really pissed me off, especially in light of our discussion THAT SAME MORNING where I had told him to back off a little bit and not jump 9 feet up my ass. I told him to get the fuck out of my house because I'm not into that stupid jealous high-school shit. The next day I sent him an email saying that with much more detail, and he hasn't responded since. It's been over a week. If he hates me forever now, I want my fucking stroller back.

Sobriety is grating on me, I'm so goddamn exhausted all the time (hep C?) no matter how much I sleep and it would make my life ever so much easier to get some ups. It's not worth it of course, baby Jaz is the most important thing and it needs to stay that way. Just sometimes it's fucking difficult. What I need to find is a young mother who shares my... interests. That would be just awesome.

In closing, I really really really really really really hate Obama. He can't be stupid, you can't get elected president if you're stupid, so why does he do so much stupid shit? Cap-and-trade, to "create jobs" in industries we just don't have the technology for? "Oh, we don't want people to use any fossil fuels... or nuclear power, because that's evil... so we will tax the SHIT out of oil and gas until y'all use something else." But there isn't anything fucking else that's possible and affordable. If solar power or wind power was efficient, people would be making money in these industries. It isn't efficient, affordable, or really useful AT ALL. So the solution of course is to punish Americans for not having another choice in energy. Liberals in action. God I hate that man. Obongo the fucking asswipe.

when's the last time a new tax helped YOU?

2009-07-04T07:28:00.005-04:00

As if the new federal tobacco tax and ban on flavored tobacco and blunt-wraps wasn't enough of a pain in my ass, there is also a new state tax on cigarettes- an extra fucking dollar a pack. Jesus Harold Christ on a fucking rubber crutch. I paid $5.49 last night for a pack of Newports, and that really hurt. A year ago I bought 3 packs for 9 bucks. And if that store that I frequent is selling them for $5.49, that means the average asking price around here is up to around SEVEN BUCKS A PACK. It's disgusting. I'm gonna start rolling my own cigarettes, cause I don't want to quit smoking.

My brother thinks that stuff like new taxes on cigarettes and cap-and-trade (which will raise gas and utility prices) are what will keep Obama from getting re-elected. People can hear him on TV talking about compassion and hope and say "awesome!" and they won't know that the national debt just went up another 3 trillion dollars because it doesn't affect them. Once these folks are paying more for cigarettes and gas, they will take notice. Why is it so expensive now? Because there's a new tax. That hits them where they live because it's not just a number on a piece of paper, it's THEIR money being spent more quickly. And then every time they hear Obama spitting game on TV, their brains will filter right past the bullshit and all they will hear is, "there's a new tax." If something good can come of this and we can at least get rid of that stupid socialist elitist black asshole in the White House, then cool.

It's the Fourth of July which is awesome. We are going to the big tea party tonight at downtown which is awesome. It's gonna have all the people from the April 15th protest, plus all the people who just heard about it from their friends and family, plus all the people who are kicking themselves in the ass about missing the April one, plus all the curious people who want to see how big this movement really is, PLUS all the people who have gotten pissed the fuck off at Obongo since then. Tons of fun. Jazzie is gonna have so much fun, and just like last time I shall post pics.

My birthday is day after tommorrow, then in a couple weeks my brother is turning 21 which is just the bees' knees because once he can sit at a bar and hang out, we have a place to kill time where we're not getting bit by mosquitos.

"doing something" usually means City Place

2009-06-27T11:04:00.002-04:00

South fucking Florida man! No matter where I go, I still love it here, 95 degree weather and all. Last night my brother and I went downtown. In WPB if you don't do hard drugs, "doing something" usually means City Place. Lame, but this town is also pretty lame so what can you do. Anyway, City Place had no parking except the parking garage, which is expensive. It was Friday night, and there was some sort of weird foreign music playing and I guess a lot of people wanted to hear it. God only knows why though, it was in a strange language and the beat sounded scientifically formulated to incite the worst headache ever in anyone who walked past. Technoish bullshit, but with a whiny voice. Lawdy lawd.

So, we drove back to Shithole Street (Clematis) and parked somewhere around there. Clematis was the original WPB downtown, but once City Place got built some stores on Clematis started to close down cuz they couldn't deal with the competition. Once stores closed down, scary homeless people started hanging around in front of the empty places, because there were no business owners to call the police. The more stores closed, the more scary homeless people came and the more scary homeless people came, the more stores closed. Now there's one white club, one black club, and an Irish pub left on the whole damn street. So it's a shithole.

You'd think that we'd go to park there and realize "hey this place is a shithole! Filled with scary jolly African-Americans! Let's park in the parking garage!" But no, we wanted to save a couple bucks by being at the parking meter. Some dude had given be 35c for a Newport earlier in the night anyway so we just went ahead and parked right off Clematis, on one of them flower streets. We went to City Place and had about as much fun as there is to be had there when you have no money. Lucas got us lost twice- once in downtown and once on the way back from City Place. When we finally made it back (me saying "no, dude! It's fuckin THIS way!" and him not listening; the original prediction was that we'd be in the intercoastal inside of 15 minutes) we realized that parking in downtown was a bad idea- somebody had bashed one of the taillights in.

At first we figured someone had pulled out wrong (we were parallel parked) and smashed it with his car. But that didn't make sense either, because it wasn't the driver-side taillight that was fucked, it was the one closest to the curb. It could have been a car that jumped onto the curb cause he was a dumbass and didn't know how to parallel park, but we started thinking that some asshole just smashed it in just for the hell of it. If that was true, there are three assumptions that can be made about the individual who did such a thing, in that specific area. We can pretty much assume that person is a) male b) young and c) black. Sure one or more of those COULD be wrong, but anyone honest knows it's not fucking likely.

So the taillight still turned on (it's just the casing that's cracked and it's probably gonna cost a goddamn fortune) so we could drive home without fear of the police- well, no more than my normal fear any time I see a cop or cop car. Fucking niggers huh?

the next illegal atrocity he commits

2009-06-26T12:40:00.006-04:00

Not only am I not updating, but not many people that I read are updating either. Summer laziness I guess. Okay, I've been traveling which is fun. South Florida is hot.... sickeningly hot. I do want to talk about television though. And since it's my blog, I can write about whatever I want.

Being white-trash redneck southern trailer park blah blah blah (recently I was called a "white supremacist" which I thought was pretty fucking hilarious) it makes sense that I watch a lot of TV. A lot of it I watch on DVD because I'm either behind on the seasons or the show isn't on anymore at all. The series-type shows that I'm currently watching are: The Shield (I'd fuck the shit outta Vic Mackey), Weeds, Dollhouse, Dexter, Life, The Cleaner... and I think that's it. I probably missed one. The Shield is a great show with a very VERY disappointing ending, I just saw the series finale and it made me want to throw a rock at the TV. Lame. They had to kill Shane though, there wasn't another choice, but they didn't have to bone Vic and Ronnie like what happened. I am sad because not only is the show over (yes, I know it's been over forever but now it's over for me) but it ended in such a shitty way.

The Cleaner is another show I just have to complain about. Basically, it's this ex-junkie who decides to make a career out of "helping people." He is hired by worried family and friends of drug addicts, who pay him tons of money to do whatever it takes to get these druggies clean. And he does whatever it takes- kidnapping, beating folks up for daring to try to run away, holding them against their will, cuffing or tying them up, stealing their clothes so they won't run away, dogpiling, injecting them with sedatives, switching out their drugs with something that will make them violently ill (also known as poisoning), turning their children against them, robbing them... anything. And he does this to non-violent adults for DARING to exercise their free will and getting high. The cops are, in order for the show to work, on his side. But he can say "I help people" all day long, that doesn't change what he is- a thug. And a thug who kidnaps and steals and poisons for money, which makes him a bagman. The Cleaner? The Fucking Bagman is what that show should be called.

The worst part is that my mom actually thinks this bagman is justified in his actions! Because drugs are just so awful that if you get high, you deserve to have your life destroyed by a stranger. *rolls eyes* That's 12-step brainwashing bullshit right there on display, no turning back now. Then she talks shit about Vic Mackey from The Shield for being a violent piece of shit, but at least the folks that Mackey beat up were, ya know, bad guys! Murderers, gang members, rapists, kidnappers, child molesters, cartel employees. Shit on toast, I hate William Banks (the character from The Cleaner) but the show is still very interesting, and plus I like to see the next illegal atrocity he commits on some guy minding his own business with a rock pipe or whatever. Fucking asshole.

Did I update my blog just to bitch about how much TV sucks? Yeah, I think I did. :) Oh well. I can say "from now on I will update more often" but that might be a lie, so I won't say it. Aren't those Jasmyne pics cute though?

Jasmyne! She is so chubby, looks like a bowling ball with little arms and legs and a fat face right on top. Today she's 9 months old and 19 pounds. She likes to climb up on EVERYTHING, including a glass door (which I didn't think she'd be able to do, but boy was I wrong) and likes to practice taking steps while holding shit or while someone holds her hands. She loves food, not the jars anymore but real food like everyone else eats. I cut little pieces of whatever and she makes a big mess putting them in her mouth. Her favorite foods: cheese (any kind, even disgusting cottage cheese), mushrooms (especially with spaghetti sauce), sweet potatoes, raisins, bread with marmalade or cheese, pizza, prunes, and mango.

real quick

2009-06-06T13:10:00.002-04:00

I went to Disneyworld and the baby had a great time. I will post pics soon. This is just a superquick update to let folks know that I have not given up on this blog. This weekend I'll start writing more regularly again. Also went other places too. Tons of fun. Lucas is staying the whole summer which is AWESOME!!!!!

Real quick: A search helicopter chased us away from the heap, there was chocolately earthy goodness and a floor too dirty to put the baby on. She learned how to boing boing boing and there's another tooth which she uses to eat Cheerios and pieces of fruit and cheese. No more tenant at Greg's house. I hate Super Smash Bros but love Donkey Kong. We stay higher than a telephone wire. That's about it for now.

Next up: pictures of Disneyworld!

not an update

2009-05-10T07:32:00.002-04:00

I am out of town for a minute and will write when I return, since this is not my computer and I only asked to use it for "two or two and a half minutes." Time to play with baby girl anyway.

"dead zone" no more....

2009-05-03T17:20:00.005-04:00

All these pictures were taken with my mom's cellphone, which was basically a photographic dead zone. Lots of great pictures, but they weren't going anywhere except as the wallpaper on the cellphone itself. I didn't know how to get them onto the computer, and apparently neither does anyone else who cares because months went by and those pics stayed on the phone, where they started out. But after going to Lion Country Safari with Jazzie and my awesome brother Lucas (who is visiting here finally), I really wanted the pics of Jaz watching the birds. And thanks to my father, here they are, the dead-zone Jasmyne pics finally on the interwebs for all to enjoy. You know she's cute.

These four pictures are from Lion Country Safari in the bird thingy, where you could buy a $2 cup of nectar and feed the lorries with it. The birds were colorful, loud, and moved quickly- basically everything that Jaz loves.

The easter egg hunt at church. She's posing for the camera from her stroller.

Crawling under a chair.

Car seat sleepin'

Happy Jasmyne bear cub.

Baby swing at the park.

More carseat sleepin'.

??

2009-05-02T10:19:00.001-04:00

My kid hates fruit. Apples, bananas, pears, and prunes so far. She'd rather eat squash and green peas for breakfast. Weird. Vegetables.

real SoFla shit

2009-04-26T14:37:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I went to the seafood festival in Pompano and today I went to the sweet corn fiesta in Royal Palm. I am so damn sunburned, but I always get burned and then it just builds up into a tan. Real SoFla shit. I couldn't eat anything anywhere, cept corn. I tried giving Jazzie applesauce but then she got really bad gas and was screaming all day and night yesterday. Tons of fun. I got 8 days off methadone and I still feel like crap and don't sleep much. Most of this week I've been helping Greg at a painting job. By "help" I mean distract him and wave the baby at him, which is fun. Tried them 5-Hour Energy drinks that Lucas hyped, but they suck. All in all, I'm doing pretty well.

Boring update, but what can ya do.

the funniest joke I've ever read...

2009-04-21T20:09:00.001-04:00

At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick".

phrases that piss me off majorly

2009-04-20T21:55:00.003-04:00

politically correct- this expression comes from the former USSR, with politically incorrect speech (anything against the government) punishable by imprisonment or death. Does this concept have any place in the USA? Hells no.

African-American- most blacks in America are not African in amy way. Hell, most whites here can trace their roots back to Europe, but we don't call a random white American a 'European-American' because white people are not supposed to have a culture.

media attack machine- it doesn't matter if it's the "right wing attack machine" or the "liberal attack machine", its still stupid. If you don't like a certain media source, don't watch/read/listen. Just change the channel. Yes, Fox News leans right. Yes, CNN leans left. So what?

animal rights- as Rush would say, animals have no rights. Don't y'all animal rights folk believe in evolution? As in survival of the fittest? Well in that case, animals had better go ahead and adapt to US, the human beings, who are at the top of the food chain whether you like it or not. It is not our responsibility to impede human progress to protect any species, it is their responsibility to survive IN SPITE of our influence. Animal rights activists are usually more anti-human than pro-animal.

income tax- unconstitutional involuntary labor for the government.

minimum wage- a restriction on free trade and actually bad for American workers.

affirmative action- government sponsored racism.

reverse racism- this implies that "normal" racism is always whites hating blacks, and that it is somehow different and needs its own phrase if blacks are hating whites. Wrong- it's exactly the same thing, so "reverse" is unnecessary.

gun-free zone- I wonder how many shootings take place in gun-free zones? That's where I'd go rob a house, cause no one had guns.

zero tolerance- fascism by definition.

[any American president]= Hitler- disrespectful to all the people who died in the Holocaust, at least until the death camps open up.

war on drugs- prohibition revisited, with all of the exact same problems we had back then, especially the violence caused by organized crime running substances.

pain and suffering- get over it and take some responsibility for your probably retarded actions that caused you to get hurt. In some cases, some folks should have their medical bills paid but if these million dollar lawsuits over coffee burns and lost pants are just ridiculous.

endorphin deficiency syndrome OR post-acute withdrawal syndrome- can you be honest with yourself long enough to drop this "syndrome" bullshit and just say that you want to get high? No one wants to hear your excuses, just cop a bag or a pill and shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna get some shit for this next one...
harm reduction- because if there's a group of folks really concerned about their health and general well-being, it's drug addicts. The whole game is a risk which druggies voluntarily take, why should the government then fund protection from their own habits, which they chose to partake in? There's also the fact that as long as drugs are illegal, govt-funded harm reduction programs are complete and total hypocritical bullshit. "Drugs are illegal, says us, but since we know you can't or won't obey this law, let me throw some money around to protect you while you go against the legal code." Bullshit. The only real "harm reduction" is legalization, period.

racial pride/gay pride- save the pride for something you actually accomplished instead of something you were born with and have no control over. Might as well say "I'm proud to wear size 8 1/2 shoes."

progressive- ever notice that most self-described progressives are anti-capitalism, pro-welfare, and anti-progress? Weird...

Drug Enforcement Agency- just die already (not the employees, just the organization).

speech codes- ummmmm, first amendment?

National Endowment for the Arts- go ahead and put the cross in piss, or draw a Mohammed cartoon, or stick a bullwhip up your ass and photograph it for all I care- freedom of expression. But why should tax dollars pay for this crap? You feel really strongly about public art, then put your money where your mouth is and donate so these, ahem... "artists" can continue to create. Where in the Constitution does it say that funding art galleries is a function of government anyways? Hint: it doesn't.

loitering with intent to commit illegal activities- how in the hell can you legislate something like intent? If we are innocent until proven guilty, and you can't prove something that hasn't happened yet, how in the hell is this shit legal?

separation of church and state- this phrase is NOT in the Constitution, and the "establishment clause" where this phrase came from is constantly misinterpreted. Voluntary (that's the key word) prayer in public schools, teaching intelligent design alongside evolutionary theory in science class, town halls erecting a Christmas nativity, or reading the Bible on break at work are NOT "Congress making any law respecting an establishment of religion" and are completely 100% Constitutional. In fact, banning some of those things might be stepping on the "free exercise" clause...

compassionate conservative- stop trying to make your political position more palatable to the other side, grow a set of balls and just be conservative.

racial quotas- government sponsored racism.

gun control- forget about waiting periods, carry permits, non-violent felons, mental patients, and fully automatic weapon bans- throw all of it away. Just let us all have guns and who knows, maybe violent crime might even go down.

partial-birth abortion- I try to be pro-choice because I love freedom, but I can't get past the part where they're killing babies who could survive on their own. I don't see the difference between partial birth abortion and stabbing my 7-month-old in the brain with a steak knife.

seatbelt laws- "oh, if only I, an American adult, had someone to keep me safe while I drive my own car! The fact that the seatbelt is right there means nothing, because no one is actively forcing me to wear it or threatening fines for not wearing it. Wait, big government is here to protect me from myself? FINALLY!" If you want to travel headfirst through your windsheild at 65mph, that should be your business.

feminist- yes we get it, abortions are awesome and men suck. Now will you take that butchie shit somewhere else because real women are sick of hearing it.

gay marriage "slippery slope" argument- how will Jacob and Steve's legal marriage affect YOUR straight marriage. Here's a hint: it won't. And how 2 legal adults (who have legal standing and can sign a marriage certificate) getting hitched can lead to a man marrying his sheep (who of course has no legal standing) or a little kid (who also has no legal standing) is really reaching. Just get married to who you love, folks, and if you really hate gay marriage then don't get gay married.

homophobe/homophobic/homophobia- do they really think we're AFRAID of those little fairyboys? HAH! Why not just "homohateric" or something more appropriate that will echo the general population's feeling on gays?

President Obama- I hope he fails miserably.

institutional racism- translation: "I didn't do a single thing right and fucked myself and others at every possible opportunity, but I'm a member of a protected victim group so it's not my fault." Cough cough HORSESHIT.

reparations- if you can name ONE black person in 2009 who has been enslaved legally by ONE white person in America, then maybe that person (but no one else) deserves reparations from his ex- owner (and only him). But that one person doesn't exist so shut up black people! We have a black president, y'all won, not shut the fuck up.

the rich get richer while the poor get poorer- why can't they BOTH get richer or BOTH get poorer? Hint: that's how it works in real life.

man-made global warming/climate change- cyclic warming and cooling of the earth has been occuring since way before humans existed. Blaming 200 years of industry on the imminent destruction of the entire planet is ignorant, not to mention ridiculous.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals- could they have chosen a crazier spokesperson?

gender is unrelated to sex- do I really need to say anything about this gay shit?

political prisoner- why is it that everyone who is referred to as a political prisoner has killed a bunch of people? Just call them murderers. Yes, I know, there are REAL political prisoners (such as anyone jailed for nonviolent drug "crimes") but I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about the ACLU-sponsered politically-correctly-colored murderers.

blogosphere- a pretentious way to say "blogs." Just say blogs.

the Twelve Steps- here's a program with the same 3-5% success rate as every other drug program on the planet, and yet they claim to have a monopoly on truth and getting clean. There's a lie in there somewhere. These programs are all about brainwashing, whining, and pseudo-superiority.

Al-Anon- 12-steppers who never did drugs or drank or gambled but still felt the need to whine in a circle for an hour a day. No one cares what happened with your drunken daddy 50something years ago. Get over it and stop rehashing ancient bullshit.

Scientologists- how much money do I hafta pay to learn the "great truths" of space aliens and thetan levels? This is not a religion, it's a worldwide scam., Why doesn't Stephen King or Ray Bradbury start a religion so we can take THAT seriously too. And not only are the CoS the most lawsuit-happy "church" in existence, they are also the most secretive. Anyother religion will tell you what they believe, and happily. What are they hiding?

9-11/Katrina conspiracy theories- these people believe that Bush is a monkey and the dumbest fool in America, yet he orchestrated a devestating attack on his own country's soil "for oil money" and still had enough brains and evil cunning left to create a hurricane, blow up levies, and drown a bunch of black folks just for shits and giggles. Brilliant analysis.

protected victim groups- these people don't need protection against getting their wittle feewings hurt, just get over it already.

white guilt- race traitors and race baiters. I never kept the black man down myself. I refuse to take on guilt for something that other people, people who share nothing with me but approximate pigmentation, might or might not have done generations ago.

hate crimes- thought legislation and mind control. Re: 1984 by George Orwell,

wealth redistribution- eventually you run out of other peoples money.

tolerance- not everyone will like you- get over it. Also, this leads to policies that, and I quote, "tolerate everything except intolerance." Ummmm, say that again?

nationalized healthcare- an obvious overstep of the governments responsibility.

diversity- the same folks who strive for racial diversity will do most anything to avoid diversity of thought, such as people who don't believe that diverse always equals better.

pro-choice- if they really supported a woman's right to choose, then why do they get so pissed when someone chooses NOT to abort? "Freedom of choice" means that abortion, motherhood, and adoption are all equally acceptable options. Otherwise, you're just anti-baby.

Anyone have any that I missed?

the beginning of the end

2009-04-17T07:07:00.004-04:00

Today is my first day not going to the methadone clinic. I feel like hell and never sleep, but at least it can finally fucking end. Wish me luck.

To entertain you now that I can post pics, here are some of Jasmyne eating her solid food for the first time which were taken a few weeks back. I started her on solids late because I wanted to, before anyone asks, and she now eats rice, peas, and carrots. Next: sweet potatoes.

west palm beach tea party pictures

2009-04-16T11:13:00.006-04:00

Jasmyne only dropped that flag once the whole time we were there

local news coverage...

that entire parking garage was filled with people too

the pirate ship, as in "stop the federal pirates"

that sign was my absolute favorite,

except for one that I didn't get a pic of that said,
"The South will rise again!"

"no credible opposition"

in case you can't read the lower sign, it says,

"blaming guns for crimes is like blaming keyboards for misspelled words"

and of course, the cutest "sign" of all- Jazzie

it's april 15, do you know where your taxes are going?

2009-04-15T11:19:00.003-04:00

I would have been posting pics but there's something wrong with my picture folder. Every time I open it, everything shuts down. And I would just move the pics to another folder, but I can't open the fucking thing. Lame. Just wanted to say that later today I'll be at the local Tax Day Tea Party protest in downtown West Palm Beach today. I got a onesie for Jaz that says "I'm paying for your bailout." Her very first anti-government protest! So I will figure out how to post pics, and will do so tonight or tommorrow because I want those pics on my blog dammit!

Here is the main website for the tea parties:
http://taxdayteaparty.com/

Here is a retardedly conservative viewpoint on the tea parties:
http://michellemalkin.com/2009/02/21/tea-party-usa-the-movement-grows/

Here is a retardedly liberal viewpoint on the tea parties:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/13/opinion/13krugman.html?_r=2

Down with big government! Down with small government! Freedom!!!!

a reason to celebrate...

2009-04-14T12:42:00.002-04:00

Jasmyne isn't allergic to dairy! wOOt!!!!!!

OBAMA'S ACCOMPLISHMENTS SO FAR...

2009-04-08T15:06:00.002-04:00

Completely stolen word for word from someone on a forum I frequent, and I will give him credit if he tells me I should. Until then, just know that this is nothing but copy-paste.

1. Executive order forcing tax payers to fund abortions overseas.

2. Executive order to close Gitmo within a year (he's still trying to figure out what to do with the prisoners there, apparently having given it little thought before making his campaign promises).

3. Executive order effectively ending serious interrogations of illegal enemy terrorists by limiting questioning to the techniques spelled out in the Army Field Manual, pending advice from an advisory task force created by the President.

4. Suspended the military commission process, and dropped charges against Abd al-Rahim al-Nashiri, the alleged mastermind of the USS Cole bombing and other terrorist attacks, to the outrage and consternation of the victims' families, though new charges could still theoretically be filed.5. Signed so called "Fair Pay Act" into law, violating his "transparency" promise to publicly post legislation for people to observe for five days before signing. The act is a boon to trial lawyers as it eliminates the statute of limitations for filing law suits alleging discrimination despite the current economic downturn, and it would force employers to pay completely different types of jobs equally, with government regulators determining which unrelated jobs (like janitorial and secretarial work) are "equivalent".Supporters of the bill completely ignore studies by economists like June O'Neill (who served in the Clinton administration) that virtually all but a tiny percentage of the pay disparity between men and women can be accounted for by legitimate factors like experience and qualifications.

6. Signed a dramatic expansion in SCHIP, violating his "transparency" promise to publicly post legislation for people to observe for five days before signing.The expansion will mainly fund government health insurance for children (and some adults) who already have private health insurance, raising a steep cigarette tax to ostensibly pay for it, while ignoring evidence that such programs serve to drive up general health care costs for everyone.

7. Alienated tens of millions of Americans by frivolously attacking Rush Limbaugh, the biggest conservative icon in the country.

8. Nominated a Treasury Secretary who failed to pay tens of thousands of dollars in taxes and employed an illegal alien.

9. Nominated a Commerce Secretary who was forced to withdraw in the midst of a corruption scandal.

10. Nominated a Health and Human Services Secretary who withdrew after it was discovered that he had failed to pay over a hundred thousand dollars in taxes.

11. Nominated a Chief Performance Officer who withdrew after it was discovered that she had failed to pay a significant amount of taxes.

12. Nominated an Attorney General who was involved in the Clinton pardon scandals and who worked to get over a dozen terrorists released from prison.

13. Selected a Chief of Staff (Rahm Emanuel) from Chicago with a reputation for ruthlessness who is widely disliked across the political spectrum.

14. Nominated a long time politician with no national security experience to head the CIA. Currently concerns are being raised over funding he received from various banks and other institutions.

15. Nominated for Deputy Attorney General a man who has argued that American courts should defer to the opinions of foreign bodies, even when the US isn't a party to a pertinent treaty that would make such rulings legally relevant.

16. Despite pledging that lobbyists "won't find a job in my White House," has given high power jobs to at least a dozen lobbyists so far.

17. Has transferred at least partial oversight of the census from the Commerce Department to "senior White House management" (see Rahm Emanuel), effectively politicizing the process that determines Congressional apportionment and influences government funding.

18. Under the guise of immediate "stimulus", has aggressively pushed for the passage of an almost trillion dollar spending package that largely consists of ad hoc pork elements, infrastructure projects that will play out only over a long period of time, and welfare style transfer payments erroneously labeled "tax cuts".

twenty things...

2009-04-07T07:26:00.004-04:00

Stole this from another blog- http://oneistooomany.blogspot.com/ Hope ya don't mind since I gave ya credit and all...

1) List 20 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again.
4) Don't answer people who question who these thoughts are to or about.
5) Take a guess if you want, ha.

He's not yours anymore, so this silly high-school shit needs to end, how old are you anyways?
Please keep your fun in check, you don't know how worried I get about you now and I can't say anything because I'll sound like your mama, but I love you.
I'm sorry I considered killing you, I didn't know what else to do.
I'm the one who called the cops on you, and I'd do it again in a second you murdering fuck.
I know, you're better than me, everything I like sucks, everything you like is pure and perfect. Now wouldja shut up about it?
Weed isn't the only thing in the world, sure it's awesome, but it's just an enhancer not a lifestyle in itself, OKAY?????
Sometimes I don't like hanging out with you because I know we won't do anything besides chill.
There aren't any microphones in the stroller and if you so much as touch her I will rip your nuts off and shove them down your throat.
You're ugly, mean, and everyone hates you- but it's not my fault.
What, do you have fag-PMS all day every day? Just because someone said something sarcastic doesn't mean they was talking to you, grow some thicker skin and quit bitching you fucking know-it-all queen.
I wanted to do it because I knew you'd leave and I couldn't stand looking at your sad annoying fucking face for one more day.
I took the time we spent together for granted, and now you're gone and I still miss you all the time, I love you my friend.
I don't know if I can believe you because I know you're capable of anything and I want you to stay the fuck away from me until this whole mess is over.
I didn't kill him! I wasn't even home! When oh WHEN are you gonna stop calling me and making threats!
Yeah I hate niggers, and I hate you most of all, I hope you die of the plague and take all your buddies with you before you ruin everything.
I don't care if you switched ROAs or how many little keytags you've accumulated, you're still a fucking junkie and I'm not.
She's gonna leave you soon as the baby is born, I hope you're prepared to be a single father.
You are, but I don't expect you to do anything about it.
I gave you his needle on purpose knowing what he had, and I'm not sorry.
In another life, me and you would have gotten married, bought a house, and had 2.5 children together, and you know this, but you *don't* know how close I came to falling in love with you dirt and all.

the illusion that you're doing something fun

2009-04-04T07:58:00.002-04:00

I've been a drug addict (by choice!) for years, but it wasn't just about drugs. It's more about excitement and doing something fun. I'd want to go out and have some crazy adventures, in fact that's why this blog began- to chronicle all the crazy shit that went down in my life on a near-daily basis. And in my using days, even when nothing interesting happened, I felt like something had. Because sitting in a motel room all night smoking crack and not going near the door gives you the illusion that you're doing something fun. Either that or it makes you not give a shit, possibly even a combination of the two. But since it would NOT be advantageous to me or the baby for me to start doing drugs again, (Greg- that's how you use that word properly) I need to find something to do along with a babysitter while I do it.

I love my kid, there's no question about that. She's funny, she's cute, she's usually happy, she's smart, she does a lot of silly things, she's the best kind of baby and I would probably never be truly happy again if I lost her. But she is a 6-month-old baby, and 6-month-old babies are boring. Here is my day: go to the methadone clinic, go to [the playground/Okeeheelee Park's nature trail/the mall/baby story hour/the grocery store], feed the baby, play with the baby, sit around the house with the baby, go to the playground/grocery store again, think up a soy-free dairy-free nut-free seafood-free egg-free dinner that will taste good, feed baby, put baby to bed, go online. Occasionally I go to Greggie's house and do the same things over there. I am very happy, but as an excitement junkie I am fucking bored as shit.

Last weekend I left Jazzie at Greg's house and went out with my parents to see Monsters Vs Aliens: The IMAX 3-D Experience. Great movie, not exciting. I need something to do, but nothing that could hurt the baby or get her taken away from me. My poor brother is bored too, I told him that if it was just me we would have already left on an exciting road trip. He said we should do it and bring Jaz, but then it would be boring.

Hell, I'm going to Disneyworld at the beginning of next month, to celebrate my freedom from the liquid handcuffs (methadone). I am at 5mg a day and feeling like total shit! But this bitch is strong, and I ain't gonna fuck it up. Y'all can hold me to that. If only I could find something fun to do...

Shelley's 2-Step Recovery Program: RFR!

2009-03-31T16:40:00.003-04:00

You know what I hate? 12-steppers. They aren't fucking special. "I'm a drug addict (or alcoholic, or sex addict, or compulsive gambler, or relative of one of the above, or whatever), I can't help it, I'm powerless. I can only stay clean by rehashing my past for an hour each day." Don't they realize that ANYONE who does drugs (I'll just use NAzis as an example to save keystrokes) for long enough will become a drug addict? They weren't born with anything different. Take someone who hates drugs, get them in a bad car accident where they need oxycontin to function long-term, come back in a year. Are they a drug addict? You bet your ass they are! No one is powerless over their addiction. We all choose what we want to do, and if we overdo it we get hooked. Then we believe that the almightly twelve steps are the way out of the mess that WE OURSELVES created.

Taken under the wing of veteran NAzis, we actually believe that nothing is our fault. Mugged your grandma for her percocet? You couldn't help it. Set a crackhouse on fire for refusing to serve you? You were powerless over the drugs. Let your 1-year-old son sit in a shitty diaper for three days while you were too tweaked to leave your room? Addiction is a disease, you can't blame someone for having a disease! Oh, and do 90 meetings in 90 days. That way you will be so retardedly entrenched in the program that you won't be able to figure out that it's all a bunch of manipulative bullshit. Addiction is not a disease, and everything that an addict does is that addicts fault. No more cop-outs, no more "disease of addiction", no more "endorphin deficiency syndrome", no more. Just take the goddamn blame for what YOU did.

But see, I am here to help so I am starting my own recovery program. It's called "Recovery from Recovery" or RFR. It's way better than any 12-step program because... wait for it... it only has 2 steps. And I can accomplish what took others 12 steps in a simple two:

1) Get the fuck over it.
2) Move on with your life.

That's all there is to it! And we only meet for five minutes to introduce ourselves and go over the steps. Once we've gotten over it and moved on with our lives, there's no need to continue the meeting, nor is there any need to meet again tommorrow. But, for those of us who need a little reminder, we do meet once a month to remind one another to get the fuck over it.

So, who wants to join RFR? Admission is free and I bet MONEY that my drug program will have identical stats to every other drug program on the planet: NA, AA, methadone maintenance, suboxone maintenance, 3-day detox, 28-day rehab, 60-day rehab, 1-year rehab, Christian drug programs, boarding schools, teen drug programs, hospitalization, methadone/suboxone detox, home "comfort-med" detox, and just saying fuck it and quitting all by yourself. They all have a success rate of between 3-5%, and RFR promises to match those statistics. After all, it works if you get the fuck over it.

the most ghetto thing I've ever seen in my life:

2009-03-28T10:38:00.002-04:00

A homeless black man with only one tooth, right in the front of the top jaw. That one tooth was gold. But you could tell it wasn't real gold, because it was covered in rust.

His name? Rusty.

just in case somebody forgot that I don't like Obama...

2009-03-24T09:06:00.000-04:00

eight new Jasmyne pics- if ya don't like it, no one said ya had to be here

2009-03-23T16:57:00.006-04:00

Oh, and my mom is holding her in most of the pics because I take better pictures than she does.

a dark spirit holding a magic wand

2009-03-23T15:58:00.002-04:00

Okay, due to popular demand (by which I mean, one anonymous commenter and my friend E) I am going to post an interesting story from the past. Last time I did this, I got quite a few comments about "you're back in the game" and "this didn't just happen you liar", so I'll repeat that this story is from the past. That means it already happened. For further clarification to those of you who don't understand English or just can't fucking read, I went to dictionary.com to help y'all out:

past (adjective)
1- gone by or elapsed in time
2- of, having existed in, or having occured during a time previous to the present; bygone
3- gone by just before the present time; just passed

In case you still don't get it, I will date my story. I might get some details wrong, but it was a long time ago so anyone who was there (Elliott) feel free to comment on what I fucked up on. Happy reading.

winter 2004, age 18

It was me and Elliott (aka 'E') hanging out in a state that is not Florida (but nearby!), and we were quite bored. Aside from a mountain of methamphetamine and some Steel Reserve 211, there was nothing to do. We were barely legal adults and were finished with our childish drug-fueled adventures- we were ready for bigger, badder, more "adult" drug-fueled adventures! So we got in his Range and started driving. We didn't have a particular destination in mind, we just drove (no stops necessary when there's a shitload of crank in the vehicle) until we realized we were near Tampa, Florida. Neither one of us had ever been to Tampa so we decided to finally stop and see what there was to do.

We looked around for the downtown area, figuring that was where the action (if any) was, and found a small, ghetto-looking town called Ybor City, aka downtown Tampa. There was a strip and it had a bar adjacent to a Cuban restaurant and since rice and beans followed by some whiskey sounded like a great idea to both of us, we parked the truck. We pulled out the needles for the first time that week and did a decent shot of speed before entering, since nothing gets an appetite going like being all tweaked out. At least for us.

We walked into the Cuban restaurant (I do NOT remember the name of the place, although I do recall a huge tile mural covered in colorful fish, which overstimulated my meth-addled brain), a little paranoid, thinking that everyone was going to know how fucked up we were and stare at us. Our fears were unfounded- the only people in there not tweaked out were drunk or nodding out, and I'm including the employees. E and I took a seat in the corner so that we could count and rearrange sugar packets unmolested until our tweaked-out waitress brought us menus.

I made a valiant attempt at reading the menu, but the words were shaking worse than my hands so I looked to E for assistance. He told the waitress to bring something delicious and some beers, which we pounded down in seconds. When the bill came, it was the menu fiasco all over again and we couldn't figure out what the hell the price of our food was. E left a random handful of tens and twenties, and we raced out of there and directly into the next-door bar (with a quick stop in the Range, of course, for another shot and to rustle up our fake IDs).

We sat at the bar, which was filled with just as many tweaked out/nodding/shitfaced folks as the restaurant, and started pounding down Jagerbombs. When the barkeep told us to leave, we suddenly noticed it was 3am- and we had gotten there around 6 or 7 in the evening. We stumbled out to the Range so that we could go home, but neither one of us could grab the steering wheel in two tries let alone drive anywhere. So we decided to take a nice walk around the unfamiliar ghetto to sober up. Great idea, right?

We wandered shitfaced around Ybor City until finding ourselves standing in front of what looked to be a housing project. Or possibly a crackhouse, I'm still not sure. It was 3 stories and surrounded by huge double-humped curbstones, which I wanted to sit down on for just a minute. E reached into his pocket to show me two prepped rigs, which sounded like an even better idea. So we went behind the project/crackhouse and hit that shit up.

The minute I pulled the rig out of my arm, I realized that shot had been wayyyyyyyyyy too much for my already-overloaded body to handle and I was teetering on the edge of cardiac arrest. The entire world went upside down and all the colors changed and got brighter. I couldn't breathe, but my heart sure was beating. I heard a voice saying something, sounded like "eh itegur." Didn't sound like E's voice, so I looked up. I heard the voice again, only now I understood the words: someone was saying "hey white girl." But I couldn't see a person, all I saw was a dark shadow ending in a long shiny object. My cranked up brain gave me a logical explanation for this phenomenon: it was a spirit holding a magic wand. I reached out to grab it.

Suddenly I was pushed to the floor, hard, from behind. Just as my face hit dirt, I felt something whizzing over my head which culminated in a *whack* *thump*, then my hand was forcibly grabbed and yanked very hard. I saw E's face, his eyes wild, staring at me through my fog. He was the one pulling on my hand, screaming "run! Run Michelle, fucking run NOW!!!"

When someone I trust tells me to fucking run NOW, I fucking run NOW. I half-ran and was half-dragged by E down Nebraska Avenue, away from where the "dark spirit" had offered me the "wand." Of course neither of us knew the Tampa city streets from our assholes, so we ran away from rather than towards anyplace. Finally, we saw a taxi and E practically jumped on the hood trying to get it to stop. That was when I looked over at him and for the first time realized that he was holding one of those huge curbstones... and it was covered in blood.

To this day I'm still amazed that the taxi picked us up, although the Benjamins thrown into the driver's window probably didn't hurt much. I asked E what the fuck had just happened, and he told me to just chill. By our description of the tile mural outside a Cuban restaurant, the cabbie was able to take us back to the Range. It didn't matter how fucked up we were, we had to get out of this town before something bad happened. When we finally got to the car and E was driving away from Tampa, we lit up a blunt to calm down while E explained what went down.

Apparently my dark spirit was a scary looking black crackhead, and the magic wand was a huge fucking switchblade. E, who was just as fucked up as I was apparently, decided to take fast action. He picked up one of those huge fucking curbstones that surrounded the project, pushed me down to the ground, and swung that curbstone over my head and directly into the face of my would-be assailant. Then we ran. Why he didn't let go of the heavy-ass curbstone while running, he couldn't tell me except to say "my fist was clenched so hard, I forgot I even had it... I couldn't feel my hand except to drag you." Now that's a good friend AND a hard ass motherfucker, am I right? We never went back to Tampa.

That's my story. Remember, it happened in the past, when there was no baby and I didn't have a year clean. All right E, was that a good story that made you sound gangster enough? And it's true to boot.

so that my girl can steal lunches safely

2009-03-19T08:00:00.007-04:00

Lucas dressed as some Watchmen character for a nerd convention

(no offense little brother)

big smiles with grandma

two seconds after the previous pic

see the cloth diapers?

doesn't like the flash

we gave her a Mad magazine...

...and just look at how much fun she had!

we get tons of catalogs that she can rip up too

lucas and dad got her this shirt in NYC- plus matching socks

Well, my girl got sick. Poor baby Jasmyne. I took her to her pediatrician a couple times, and he sent me to a pediatric gastroenterologist. He wanted a sample of her shit, which was of course tons of fun to get into the little tubes: I put saran wrap on her butt before pinning the diaper shut (yes, I old-school flat cloth diapers with diaper pins) and when she shat, I pulled off the saran wrap and squeezed the shit out into the tubes. Fun, right? Hell, I've done worse. Apparently she's shitting blood and mucus, and after some shit-testing figured out why: Jasmyne has food allergies. It makes sense, since allergies run in the family. I got strange allergies- I can't have ibuprofen, mushrooms, maple syrup, or oysters (although other shellfish treat me right).

What I didn't know about food allergies is that you can't test for them in a baby under 11 months. So the specialist gave me a list of foods that she should avoid until they can do an allergy panel and said that if she's still got the same symptoms in 2 weeks then he will try something else, but he seems pretty confident that it's allergies. Here's the fun part: Jasmyne doesn't eat solids or drink formula, she is *exclusively* breastfed. Therefore, she is reacting to something that I am eating, and this list of no-no food applies to me. Shitburgers. It's called the "breastfeeding elimination diet". Here is the list of food I cannot eat to protect the bubby:

soy (check food labels, EVERYTHING has soy in it)
dairy (my favorite foods on this earth are cheese/butter/milk-based)
eggs (no baked goods or sweets)
nuts (this wouldn't be so bad, 'cept I really love peanut butter)
seafood (no more sushi or crab legs)
whey (that's in some "non dairy" or "dairy-replacement" products)
lecithin (an additive; always follows the word "soy" so it's redundant
casein (part of cheese, also redundant)

So not only did I give up my drugs, my job, my money, my independence, my adventures, and (I'll admit it) my good writing ability for this kid, but it's not enough. Now I can't eat any good food either. It is very, very, VERY obnoxious and I have been walking around the house pissing and moaning about how I can't have anything delicious. Also, Jaz can't start solids until about 8 months because of the food allergies. Even the organic brown-rice first-food infant cereal has fucking soy fucking lecithin! What kind of shit is that, organic infant food containing a common allergen? Lame! I'm gonna be one of those bitch moms who wants the entire school to ban peanut products so that my girl can steal lunches safely. Wait... I forgot, I like freedom! I believe that taking care of problems like this is the parent's responsibility, not the schools' and surely NOT other parent's problem. My e-friend's first grade niece got yelled at, humiliated in front of her classmates, and suspended for 3 days for the cardinal offense of... eating peanut butter crackers at lunchtime. That's fucking retar... I mean, mentally disabled. : )

So anyways, I stopped eating anything that tastes good and Jazzy is already getting better (the doc told me 2 weeks for a full improvement) and then some other shit happened to her. I was at [non-specific playplace in which I feel very safe with her and will not jeopardize that by giving out the location to you shitwhores] and she was laying on her belly in the infants section, pushing herself up and down and grinning like a maniac. She is such a happy baby. Then I see this little boy, couldn't be more than 2 years old, running full speed ahead to our left. At the last second, he turned and jumped right where Jasmyne was playing.

I was standing right next to her to keep her from rolling onto the floor, but this kid was so damn FAST that I didn't see what was about to happen until it happened. He kicked her right in the side and she tumbled off the [non-specific shape of playplace climbing item] right on her face. She screamed like... well, like someone had kicked her onto the floor from about two-and-a-half feet up. I scooped her up and the little boy's mama ran over and pulled him aside to yell at him or whatever. I calmed my girly down in about 2 minutes- she was angry and more than a little scared, but she wasn't actually hurt (yes, I got her checked out just to be safe). The other mom made the little boy apologize to both me and Jasmyne, and then she apologized too and asked if my girly was ok. I know that little kids exist that will hurt a baby on purpose, but one look at his face (especially his sad brown eyes) told me that he wasn't one of them. He was torn up over the fact that he hurt the baby, plus he was only two years old. What a little sweetheart.

The next day, I found out once and for all that poor Jazzy just canNOT catch a fucking break. She has a fungal infection all over her diaper area, which apparently is from all the watery bloody mucous-y shitting she's been doing before the doc gave me the no-no list, and needs a prescription diaper cream to get rid of it. My poor little baby girl. She is so happy though, even through all this nonsense, she barely ever cries and has such a gorgeous full-face smile.

There is my update- y'all fuckers happy now? I am down to 15mg of methadone per day, which is awesome since I went up to 100mg/day at my highest point. See y'all bitches later.

the toxicity of her diseased sloppy bat-wings

2009-03-10T11:48:00.003-04:00

Okay, I have something to say to Jake. He reads my blog and makes comments on my ignorance, so now I shall talk about some of the stupid things I read on Call Me Jake's "Because You Know I'm Right". And there are some stupid fucking things there! Maybe we have more in common than he'll ever admit to himself...

First off, props:
"Why can’t I hate gays? Plenty of people hate me in this world, so what’s wrong with me hating people back?"
Prejudice isn't the worst thing in the world, and what kind of country do we live in where you can only hate a man if he's straight and white? People make too much of a big deal about racism and "homophobia." But then he finished his hateful rant with one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time:
“What, faggots can take a dick up their ass but they can’t take a joke?”
Okay, shit- that's hilarious. They want equal rights, then take equal ribbing and hatred. Even shitty self righteous sons of bitches can be right (and funny) every once in a while.

Now, on to the stupidity:
"Below are some of the dumber arguments people have tried and the reason WHY they’re stupid statements... “A dollar bill says In God We Trust. If you don’t believe in god how can you believe in money”? RNJ LOVE this argument because it shows that they have actually seen a dollar bill before and that they can read. Just because I use American currency does not mean I have to believe in a god. I use currency because I have no choice. Its how this country works. The same as I have no power over who prints what on it. But as far as religion I DO have a choice."
I understand that most of the people that Jake hangs with are his special-ed classmates and inbred family members (mama-gramma and uncle-grampa, among others), so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's actually heard people say that you have to believe in God to spend money. But to repeat it... how mean can you be to these people who have always given you a shoulder to drool on? Why don't you just explain to these people that... wait, your cousin-wife just started banging her head on the wall again and your daughter-sister is screaming... fuck it honey, just take away their money so they can't use it to preach the word any longer!

This is my favorite:
"There is a phrase I’ve been hearing a lot of lately and it’s finally come to the point where I want to puke. When either a woman, or a man, says “We’re trying to get pregnant” ... I got a newsflash for people. You’re not “trying to get pregnant”. You’re having sex and “hoping to get pregnant”. Trying to get pregnant would involve a big ass needle and a doctor. Hoping to get pregnant involves a whole lot of humping."
A woman doesn't get pregnant with a needle Jake honey, she gets pregnant with a penis. Most of us learned that in 5th grade sex education. It's the way it's been since humanity was created. Trying to get pregnant involves sex. Hoping to get pregnant involves crossing your fingers and praying to Allah. But once again, I understand. I think I understand why he believes that sex isn't the way to get pregnant. See, to understand Jake, you must know a little something about Jake's origins.
His mother used to be a $5 whore, but no one would go near that kitty of hers without double-bagging their dicks. Usually when the sex was over, most of the first condom was sizzling, having been eaten away by the toxicity of her diseased sloppy bat-wings- making the second condom not just useful, but necessary if you wanted to keep your dick. Sometimes they even triple-bagged, although the third bag went over her head (a necessary measure if you wanted to keep your lunch down).
Anyways, she couldn't get pregnant because no one could possibly be drunk or horny enough to hit that toxic poon raw (until Jake did, but that's not until much later), but she really wanted a kid so that she had a less-suspicious coke mule for her black pimp. So she went to the doctor, who removed her last crusty egg and placed it in a test tube for her, which she fertilized with a couple spoofuls of cum from her bedside spit-bucket, and then put the whole mess into a turkey baster and slammed it home.
Six and a half months later, Jake was born premature. HIV positive, and with severe brain damage. As he grew, she proudly told him how he came to be instead of the normal discussion about 'the birds and the bees'. So you can't really blame him for that kind of stupidity- although it's pretty funny, no?

Last but not least:
"Everything on this page is copyrighted, but I know it won't stop people from stealing it and claiming it as their own."
Riiiiiiiiight. Keep telling yourself this, Jakey-poo. I wouldn't claim this tripe as my own if I wrote it on my own and it took me years to figure out. Just in case anyone mistakes this shit as mine, I will add my own disclaimer:
Everything in italics on this blog post was NOT written by Shelley, it was only made fun of by Shelley. And for people like Jake, this is what italics look like.

Next post (maybe later today, maybe next week) I will discuss my baby girl and the disgusting things I am willing to do for her. Peace out, bitches. And by the way, the first person to find something I posted on Opiophile in the last year (or any other site I post on) discussing CURRENT (that means now) illicit drug use, you get the prize. And no, marijuana is NOT a drug so don't bother playing that game with me.

Got your money, gonna spend your money....

2009-03-02T08:16:00.002-05:00

I don't care what anyone says, I think this monkey cartoon is fucking hilarious!

fair pictures

2009-02-20T00:17:00.005-05:00

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2009-02-19T17:07:00.004-05:00

Every time something happens, - comes out smelling like roses and I get - goddamn stank on me. I'm sick of being blamed for everything that goes on, yes I know it used to be the other way but I'm trying to get my life straight and raise my baby. How dare I drag - name through the mud? I never confirmed or denied, and yet I was straight up called a liar. - should be happy that I kept my mouth shut and maybe even owes me. Bitching will never end, no more trust, all because I tried to protect - like I've always done. And I still haven't said a fucking word to anyone. - better be thankful, they were talking about me and the baby leaving the house.

Don't get it? I don't care.

heh...

2009-01-28T15:38:00.000-05:00

"the cones are pretty self explanatory"

2009-01-28T14:32:00.006-05:00

I am the laziest bitch ever. I've been walking a lot lately, and now my knees hurt so fucking bad I can't even stand up from the couch or my bed without my knees hurting like a son of a bitch. Fucking arthritis, I'm 23 years old. :( The laziness extends to my internet usage. I can use Jazzie as an excuse all I want, but I have plenty of opportunities to get online and update- I just don't do it. There is no excuse. I am just lazy as can be.

Okay, let's start with the weekend- not last weekend, but the weekend before that. Greggie's father was turning eighty and invited the whole family over, so Greg drove me and Jaz up to central Florida to see his parents. His mom had never seen the baby and all her grandkids (except one) are adults, so she was very excited to see Jazzie. Greg's sister was also quite fond of my girl, and she brought her 11-year-old son who is Jasmyne's youngest cousin. He has always been "the baby" of the entire family (my brother Lucas was "the baby" of my family) and was happy that FINALLY there was someone younger than him. :)

We stayed there for Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and the beginning of Monday. It was SO FUCKING COLD!!!!!!!!!! I guess it was all right, because it was more norther than where I live, but it was still cold as shit. Greg's parents had a fireplace which they lit one fridgid morning during our visit, since I had never in my life seen a lit fire inside. Obviously, neither had Jasmyne. She behaved very well, although I think she got homesick near the end of the visit- I helped it by bringing her into Greggie's [famous] camper, which she is used to spending a lot of time in. She just needed some familiar surroundings was all, I guess.

That weekend was the first weekend of the South Florida Fair, when my parents went. Since they went the first day (Friday Jan 16) of the fair, they got a free ticket apiece which went to me and Greggie. Hooray!! A quick note about the South Florida Fair before I continue my story. I've gone to the fair every single year, even before I lived in Florida- it moves, so it's the same fair all over the southeast. Last year was the very first time I missed the fair, which is only in town for 2 or 3 weeks per year and *always* in January. When I started seeing ads for the fair, I got extremely sad because at that point I still thought I was going to end up on house arrest for 4 months, therefore missing the entire thing. A few days after court (when I learned that I got time served instead of house arrest), I was riding down Southern Blvd and saw the big ferris wheel and nauseating spinny rides, I was once again filled with sadness until I realized, "waaaait a minute... I *can* go to the fair!!!! Hooray!! I was so very very excited, because this year I wasn't just going to the fair- I was going to the fair with a 4-month-old baby!! Once again I say, hooray!!

So last Friday, Greg and I took Jazzie to the South Florida Fair. I figured one of two things would happen: either she would stare at the lights, the animals, the people, the rides, and the games and love every second (this is what I was expecting); or she would get overwhelmed in a matter of minutes and cry the whole time. Well, she didn't cry for a single second. We went in the late afternoon, so she could see the animals AND the lights at night. I don't think I've ever seen that baby so impressed- she didn't even blink! She would start to cry about something (wet diaper, hunger, etc) and then she'd be like, "ooh, lights! ooh, look at that!" and her eyes would get really big and wide and she'd forget what she was sad about. I went on one nauseating spinny ride (by myself of course) and also took Jazzie on the merry-go-round, which she loved. All in all, it was a great fucking experience, although just buying a couple snacks and a SIX DOLLAR LEMONADE damnear broke me, heh.

All good things must come to an end, so we left the fair before Jazzie could start to cry. Greg started to drive out of the fair parking lot and asked me which way he should go, so I pointed in the right direction which involved a u-turn. He turned the way I had pointed, and a cop stepped out in front of the camper, gesturing for Greg to stop. He rolled down the window and there was this exchange:

cop: Where do you think you're going?

Greg: I'm trying to get to Southern [Blvd], am I going the right way?

cop: What are you doing going to the Culture Center?

Greg: I don't want the Culture Center, I'm trying to get out of here and get to Southern so we can go home, do you know which way it is?

cop: So why would you just drive right around the cones that are set up?

Greg: I didn't see any cones, I thought this was the way to Southern.

cop: Do you see those cones? The cones over there? Well, the cones are there and it's pretty obvious which way you SHOULD be going- you should be following the cones instead of driving through the cones. The cones are pretty self explanatory.

me: [laughing because of how many times he said 'cones'] It was an accident, I told him to go this way, can we please just get through? We have a baby in the car who needs to get home.

cop: Next time, you gotta pay attention to the cones, all right? [grumpily lets us pass]

Oh my god, did we laugh on the way home. The cones! "Its pretty obvious because of THE CONES hahahahaha" we said, over and over again. Greg lamented his failing 'cone school' and how it wasn't very obvious to him, while I decided that the cop must have been a 'conehead'. Jaz, still wide-eyed and interested in everything, laughed with us- although she probably didn't know why she was laughing. Cones- hah! Fucking hilarious. :) :)

In other news, it's been FREEZING down here in sunny SoFla! It got BELOW FORTY degrees a couple nights, can you believe it! I don't even know what forty is, as a temperature. Next person who talks about global warming gets kicked square in the nuts. I mean if man-made global warming is real, we sure are doing a shitty job if it gets to be under 40F here in the southernmost part of the country.

In case anyone wanted to know (or even if you didn't want to know, since it's MY blog) I started an adult-ed writing course on Monday nights and later this week I'll be volunteering at a pro-life pregnancy center. I need to do something besides feed the baby and sleep next to her before I go more insane than I already am.

Pictures! The first one is me (duh) and Jasmyne being held by her 11-year-old cousin; the second one is Jaz and him playing together on the floor; the third is Jaz sleeping in a drawer while I sleep next to her on the bed in Greg's folks' house; the fourth is mine and Jaz's very first indoor fire- it gives the room a nice lil glow, doesn't it? I DO have pictures from the fair in addition to the pictures I already posted, but I can't seem to find them at the moment. But don't worry, they will be displayed on my next post- be patient, all righty?

THE CONES!!!!!!!

i'm almost done with the clinic, hooray!!!!

2009-01-13T17:23:00.003-05:00

posted on the wall of my methadone clinic:

"Beginning Jan 1 2009, no change will be given. Exact change ONLY for dosing."

"Beginning Jan 1 2009, there will be a $50 registration fee. Including the $12 for your dose, you will need to pay $62 for registration."

"Missing two or more days of treatment will result in a discharge from the program, and to return you must pay a $50 re-registration fee ($62 total)."

"Beginning March 1 2009, the price per dose will go up to $13. Remember to have exact change!"

"If phasing [take-home doses] is rejected, staff is NOT required to explain the reason why!!"

rant:

What the fuck is up with that? Especially the no-change thing, it's complete bullshit! The person before me pays his $12 all in singles, and I have a twenty because you can't get 12 bucks at the ATM, and you still haven't put the singles in the drawer, and then you're gonna tell me you CAN'T give me change? I see the fucking change in your fucking hand! How long does it take to count down from twenty?

Every day, all over the planet, things get sold to paying customers: mattresses, light bulbs, stereo systems, car parts, houses, candy bars, baby bibs, fiberglass insulation, fertilizer, everything imaginable! And do they feel the need to treat their customers like shit, jack prices, and refuse to GIVE CHANGE for CASH PURCHASES? Of course not! Because they would get turned into the BBB and no one would buy from them if they did those things. But the folks who go to the clinic, we need our methadone. Just because it's dope, they get to disrespect their customers. Yeah, they don't like to call us customers, I know. We are 'clients' or 'patients' or whateverthefuck. But we pay cash for dope (oh wait, not dope, it's medication) daily, making us customers!

On the street, drug dealers are famous for treating their customers like shit. Why? Because it's dope! "Yeah, I'll be there in five minutes." Five minutes my ass, if these dope dealers were selling anything besides dope they'd be out of a job so fast it would make their heads spin. I guess you hafta expect this sort of shit from street niggers, but they do the same gay shit at the clinic. "We can't give you change for a twenty even though we have it right here, and the price is going up even though each dose costs us about 20c, and if you can't afford your dose or the gas to get here for a couple days we are gonna go ahead and charge you MORE for no good reason, and oh by the way you don't get take homes even though you followed ALL the rules and met all the requirements and we don't hafta tell you shit about why! What are you gonna do, leave? Hahaha!" Stupid fucking legal dope dealers with their stupid gay shit.

/rant

anything that might be mistaken for credibility

2009-01-10T15:00:00.008-05:00

Me and Greg took Jazzie to the zoo, and Greg got a little 'trigger-happy' with his camera. We got in for free because he knew someone that knew someone, and Jaz talked to the birds.

The next day (Friday) I went to court. Finally, after months of continuances, the judge was gonna sentence me to four months of house arrest for getting high a year ago. But when I arrived at the courthouse (15 minutes late as usual) my attorney has good news: she had gotten the DA to agree to 'administrative probation', or as the judge later called it, 'cosmetic probation'. Basically, I'd only meet with a PO once, and after that they'd basically trust me, and I wouldn't get the dreaded VOP charge if I got in more trouble (although I would get nailed to the wall, because I'd end up in front of that same judge). That last part was most important, because when you get a VOP around here, you just sit in county with no bail and no court date- and they'll violate you for anythiung too. Fuck that noise.

Anyways, I'd been going in front of this same judge once or twice a month to get continuances since fuckin' April. [note: I have already told this story a billion times on this blog, so PLEASE don't ask "what were you in trouble for?" Just check out my posts from April- it's there.] Back when I got arrested, I didn't have anything that might be mistaken for credibility: I had about a month clean and was pregnant and fresh off the streets. But he's seen me bunches of times with Jaz, as time went by, so he doesn't think I'm just putting on a front for in front of the judge.

On one hand, I'd enrolled in the methadone clinic over a month before I caught that charge. On the other hand, I was on my third-strike drug felony in a conservative, southern, three-strike state. Not good. The judge asked if I'd take the 'administrative probation' with adjudication, and (at the advice of my attorney) said yes. He told me that my charge could catch me a nickel- a 5 year prison sentence, and that once I'd pled guilty he could legally sentence me to the full five. He asked if I trusted him to sentence me. I looked again at my lawyer, and she nodded, telling me to say yes. I said, "yes." The judge says, 'time served, pay court costs.' I had been in jail from 1pm to a little after 6pm.

If I get another felony though...

colorful, pessimistic, inaccurate predictions

2009-01-05T13:45:00.005-05:00

I am gonna begin twice-weekly (or possibly more often?) blog updates, if Jasmyne lets me of course. She isn't a big fan of me being online. But today, instead of me babbling on about what the baby did today [Oh my god, she BLINKED!!! That's soooooo cute!!!!!!] I'm gonna go over my favorite predictions from last year's comments. You know, all those Nostradamus wannabes posting what was gonna happen to me, for sure this time? I find it very entertaining, and what I find entertaining is of course what I post. So, with no further bullshit, I give you...

--MICHELLE'S FAVORITE ANONYMOUS PREDICTIONS '08--

February

"First, the attention whore is not pregnant. Second, she will never get off drugs. She has no desire to."

"I've never once said anything bad about michelle... but it's so obvious that this new "pregnancy" story is a fake… who can blame her though? If people will continue to believe her fabrications and still show sympathy for her invisible children, why should she stop?"

March

"I'm going to go ahead and make a prediction here. I predict that in a few days/weeks Michelle will make a post about how she is no longer pregnant, and that she miscarried because of this "accident", and how we should all feel sorry for her...."

"If she really is pregnant, that kid is going straight to social care."

"It seems to me she just dont care about anyone but herself otherwise she would do the responsible thing and be seeking prenatal care and help for her addiction."

"If you have this baby, face it- this man Greg ain't going to take any responsibility."

May

"And you are an idiot if you believe she is not still doing heroin."

"Of course, the chances that you are actually pregnant are pretty slim. So if you really are pregnant why don't you post a pic."

June

"There's no way in hell you're going to not go back to being a junkie whore as soon as it's born. The kid will be left with your parents before it's a week old. I guarantee it."

July

"The only name you should give your (maybe) kid is "Temporary"."

September

"6 months from now you will either be on mmt or back to being a full time junkie. don't kid yourself."

November

"I heard Michelle is back on Dixie Highway..."

"[Jasmyne] IS going through withdrawal… be prepared for your kid to hate you.Once an addict, always an addict; way to set your daughter up for failure."

December

"Your "success" has not driven me away. I'm still waiting patiently for the inevitable train wreck to happen. It's not a matter of if... it's a matter of when. You can spew all you want about how well you're doing, and you're clean, and woo woo woo. But just because you write something in your blog doesn't make it true. And I never really expected you to admit here when the inevitable fuck up happens."

"I give you 3 months before you're back whoring on the street full time. And custody of the kid will be long gone."

"It's all good as your kid will have a better chance once you lose custody-- which you will."

You know the best part of these predictions? None of them came true. Zero. Not a single fucking one. I wasn't pregnant? I was gonna miscarry? I couldn't quit drugs while pregnant? The baby would be taken away immediately? I'd ditch her in her first week? I'd start getting high again soon as she was born? DCF was gonna take her away? Hah! Success is it's own excuse, and this list is proof-positive that you shit-talkers don't know a fucking thing about me. You read, but you don't comprehend.

I look forward to more colorful, pessimistic, inaccurate predictions in '09! Keep 'em coming guys, maybe you'll get one right! : )

watch me on a hidden camera for a month straight

2009-01-04T14:26:00.005-05:00

Everyone has been on my ass to update lately, both here and IRL. I guess I'm losing the interest I once had in making this blog great, which kinda sucks because now I have real live readers who actually give a damn about when I write and what about, as well as readers who read every word I write and attempt to use it against me! I started this blog because I was living such an exciting, unpredictable, crazy life and I had daily adventures that I just HAD to write about- the cops rushing into Chuck's house while there was drugs and 'quip everywhere, my friend's car running out of gas in the parking lot of the Sunoco that he had just robbed, me and my boy E peeking out the windows of one of Palm Beach island's most luxurious hotel suites for 36 straight hours, deaths, arrests, moves, efforts at rehabilitation... basically all the junkie drama of a real-life street soap opera. Much less excitement now, which is a good thing for my new family but a bad thing for those hoping for an entertaining story.

Another problem- I can no longer express myself as I wish, because there are multiple pricks out there in cyberspace making increasingly incorrect predictions ("yer baby iz gonna b born a junky1!!!!") and threatening to call DCF every time I type anything that they don't approve of. Honestly, I could care less if these hateful sons of bitches hiding behind their keyboards keep spewing their venom all over my blog- I am 100% pro-freedom, and these folks are entitled to type whatever they want, even if it is useless, incorrect, and libelous. But I also have the freedom to say what I please! After all, this is MY website, is it not? I should be able to say that I've been craving coke bad enough to give me migraines this past week, and not have anyone threaten to use it against my baby!

And by the way, Trish (PTO Mom) was right when she said that drug use (or in this case, simply writing about past and/or possible drug use!) is not enough for anyone to take custody of Jazzie away from me! My child is spoiled rotten, and you could watch me on a hidden camera for a month straight and never even see me YELL at my baby girl, much less abuse, neglect, or endanger her. That kid saved my life, and I am beyond grateful- she is treated with utmost respect and love.

Another reason I'm not on this blog very often is that people are telling me what to write, how to write it, what to add, what NOT to write, when to write, etc. This used to be for me, now he wants me to try and make money off this blog which isn't that big of a deal (I do like money!) but that isn't the priority on here. At least it shouldn't be, and it hasn't been until now. Let's let it remain that way, all righty? Blogging without obligation, bitches! Shit, I'm already gonna make a couple bucks selling all them baby clothes on ebay!

Well anyways, I guess I'll write about baby's first Christmas. She loved it! Jazzie loves Christmas lights, so we would take her for a walk around the neighborhood every night to see all the light displays. Some of them were pretty big and bright, and I could tell Jaz liked them because she made her "interested face" which is: eyes big like saucers, mouth dangling open (with or without a string of drool hanging down), arms sticking out as if to grab what she's looking at. There was a HUGE display of lights at a local chocolate shop called Hoffman's Chocolates, so we took her there. She made the interested face as well as lots of smiles and happy gurgling for about a half hour... then she got a little bit overwhelmed. There were THOUSANDS of lights, as well as a very large group of people (including a bunch of bikers!) talking loudly and laughing- all in all, too much excitement for a baby not quite three months old. I took her out and let her bury her face in my chest so she could calm down. That was a few days before the 25th.

On Christmas Day, I had Jaz help open her presents. She got a bunch of awesome clothes (fuck dope and coke, I am now physically addicted to baby clothes) but a bunch of the stuff I ordered didn't fit. To anyone who wants to order from http://www.punkbabyclothes.net/, order about 2 sizes up: my girl was born in September and the 6 month sizes are too fuckin' small. Also they are giving me problem with exchanging said unworn baby clothes for store credit or the next size up. I will update about this, because I don't want to talk shit about a company that doesn't deserve it! To their credit, they have great stuff... it just runs quite small. Jazzie-bear's favorite present was a rattle that she can munch on (she is teething) and if she starts to cry in the car, I shake the rattle and she (usually, but not always) stops crying. Later on Christmas day I went to see Yes Man with Jim Carrey, and fed Jasmyne in the theater. I figured I'd get to watch half of that movie before she started fidgeting, but no one but me even knew there was a baby in the theater! I did miss the last five minutes to change her diaper, but whatever.

Some stuff to show how spoiled my bear cub is! She is teething (and not even 4 months old yet, crazy huh?) and the teething ring I already had is a little big for her. So Greg and I [and yes bitches, Greggie IS her father!!!!!] went to Babies R Us, which is a very intimidating 'superstore' filled to the brim with shit that you'd never think a baby would need. Spray-on conditioner? Infant eye drops? Crib bumpers and crib skirts? Gems for decorating pacifiers? It's all there- and more! Anyways, we were in the market for a smaller teething toy, and (since it was Babies R Us) we were faced with a huge variety. We bought three different ones just to find the one that she liked best. And neither one of us is working right now!

Also- she doesn't wear disposable diapers. At all. I am one of the only Americans in 2009 who doesn't just use cloth diapers, but FLAT cloth diapers! Here is what I am referring to: http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?cPath=28&products_id=276 I hafta scrub shit with my hands, but they are better for Jaz and for the environment. I also have cloth baby wipes, and "cuddle time" at least 5 times a day. Is that abuse, neglect, or endangerment? :)

Well I have to go and feed her once again, so away I go. Tommorrow there will be more (no, really!) because I have put together quite a collage!

not for widespread people-pleasing

2008-12-20T14:52:00.005-05:00

The first comment on the last post is hilarious! "i thought i was a blog about dancing. turns out its a blog about being a fucking idiot." Hahahahahaha, that made me laugh pretty hard. I appreciate Greg and the second anonymous standing up for me, but being called an idiot online doesn't make me sad all righty? In fact, it cracked me up hardcore- and I needed a laugh! : )

Anyways, the diss/joke/confusion about my blog title tells me that I need to explain where the title of my blog came from, although I'm sure I have posted this same shit at least once in 2 years of bullshitting. If I did, oh well, here it is again. The full title of my blog is the title AND the heading together: "Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music." It is a quote from my comedy hero- the late, great, rude, crude, always angry and incredibly hilarious George Carlin! The quote was too long for a title, so I split it up into the actual "title" part as well as the thingy that goes under it (I can't remember if it's called the heading or description or something totally different) using this "..." 3-dot crap. That is why my blog is known as, "Those who dance..." For those of you who already knew that, you didn't hafta read this paragraph. Ha ha.

Greg wanted me to clarify something from the last post: there is a story behind the illustration that I posted. A little kid drew that picture for school and handed it in to her teacher, who thought that the girl was drawing her mother as a stripper or pole-dancer. So she called in the girl's mama and asked her what she did for a living, and the mama said she worked at Home Depot as a saleswoman. They asked the girl what was up with the drawing, and she answered, "It's you at Home Depot, mama, selling a snow shovel to people!" I just thought it would be funny to post, because I have a little girl and I was a stripper... whatever.

If you didn't like it, I don't much care; this blog is for me, *not* for widespread people-pleasing. I may want everyone to be happy, but I tend not to care what anybody thinks about me personally. But of course anyone who has been reading me for a long time already knows that. Till next time...

taking lemons and making lemonade

2008-12-19T05:55:00.003-05:00

I went to court on the 17th. Court began at 845am, and I showed up at 9, like usual. Greg was there, of course, and so was my dad as well as my brother and his friend Travis (who I suppose showed up out of morbid curiosity). The judge called my name around 10, and I told him that I was waiting for my attorney. So I waited, and waited, and waited. I managed to keep little Jaz quiet until noon, when he called me up to the stand. Morning court was damnear over, and my attorney still hadn't shown up. The public defender called her cellphone (which I had already tried and got her voicemail) and she apparently had forgotten that we had court that day. She was at the courthouse, so she offered to run right over in her jeans. I asked the judge if instead, we could reschedule my plea until after the holidays so that I could bring the baby to see my family for Christmas, then waited for him to say NO. He completely surprised me by saying, "well, you've been pretty patient... you've kept the baby quiet too, let's go ahead and reschedule for January [blah]. Go ahead and call [my lawyer's name] and let her know." Not bad, right?

Other than that, nothing much is going on. Jasmyne is the best baby in the world and she is growing a lot, so I just had to get rid of her clothes that didn't fit- most of them! I need 3-6mo sizes now, even though she is not quite 11 weeks old. Anyone who wants to help me out so my baby can have a good Christmas, my paypal virtual-panhandling link is still in the same place.

Still clean, still doing good, still with Greggie, still happy. The thing with me and Greg is this: we disagree about EVERYTHING. Give us a topic- political, economic, social, religious/spiritual, environmental, parenting, fashion, music, movies, families, the temperature outside today, what to watch on TV, how to spend free time, anything at all- and we will argue about it. So we are constantly bickering, sometimes to the point of yelling. But when either me or Greg has a real problem, we declare a temporary truce from whatever pointless "discussion" we are currently involved in and take care of the problem together. That is how you know you're with the right person- if they are there for you when you really need them. Having "soooo much in common" is overrated. Greg and I have NOTHING in common except Jasmyne (and you should hear us argue about her, though not in front of her) and we love each other a lot!

Starting on Jan 24, I get to say that, as a white girl, "the man is keepin' me down." I am gonna use this at every opportunity I get. THAT, by the way, is taking lemons and making lemonade.

By the way, the picture at the top is actually a mom working at Home Depot, selling a snow shovel. But I like it anyway- it fits my blog perfectly, doesn't it?

fuck political correctness!!!!

2008-12-05T04:39:00.002-05:00

Oh I just gotta post this!!!! I cannot take credit for it though... shall post where it came from at the bottom okay??? Shelley does NOT plagarize!!

White Guilt is Dead
Free at last, free at last!

By Tom Adkins
Editor's note: This originally appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Look at my fellow conservatives! There they go, glumly shuffling along, depressed by the election aftermath. Not me. I'm virtually euphoric.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not thrilled with America's flirtation with neo-socialism. But there's a massive silver lining in those magical clouds that lofted Barack Obama to the Presidency. For today, without a shred of intellectually legitimate opposition, I can loudly proclaim to America: The Era of White Guilt is over.
This seemingly impossible event occurred because the vast majority of white Americans didn't give a fluff about skin color, and enthusiastically pulled the voting lever for a black man. Not just any black man. A very liberal black man who spent his early career race-hustling banks, praying in a racist church for 20 years, and actively worked with America-hating domestic terrorists. Wow! Some resume! Yet they made Barack Obama their leader. Therefore, as of November 4th, 2008, white guilt is dead.
For over a century, the millstone of white guilt hung around our necks, retribution for slave-owning predecessors. In the 60s, American liberals began yanking that millstone while sticking a fork in the eye of black Americans, exacerbating the racial divide to extort a socialist solution. But if a black man can become President, exactly what significant barrier is left? The election of Barack Obama absolutely destroys the entire validation of liberal white guilt. The dragon is hereby slain.
So today, I'm feeling a little "uppity," if you will. From this day forward, my tolerance level for having my skin color hustled is now exactly ZERO. And it's time to clean house. No more Reverend Wright's "God Damn America," Al Sharpton's Church of Perpetual Victimization, or Jesse Jackson's rainbow racism. Cornell West? You're a fraud. Go home. All those "black studies" programs that taught kids to hate whitey? You must now thank Whitey. And I want that on the final.
Congressional Black Caucus? Irrelevant. Maxine Waters? Shut up. ACORN? Outlawed. Black Panthers? Go home and pet your kitty. Black separatists? Find another nation that offers better dreams. Go ahead. I'm waiting.
Gangsta rappers? Start praising America. Begin with the Pledge of Allegiance. And please, no more ebonics. Speak English, and who knows where you might end up? Oh, yeah, pull up your pants. Your underwear is showing. You look stupid.
Black Fraternities? Seek diversity. Race card? It's now the joker. Miss Black America? Get in line with all the other lovely ladies. Reparations? Paid.
To those Eurosnots who forged entire careers hating America? I'm still waiting for the first black French President.
And let me offer an equal opportunity whupping. I've always despised lazy white people. Now, I can talk smack about lazy black people.You're poor because you quit school, did drugs, had three kids with three different fathers, and refuse to work. So when you plop your Colt 45-swilling, Oprah watchin' butt on the couch and complain "Da Man is keepin' me down," allow me to inform you: Da Man is now black. You have no excuses.
No more quotas. No more handouts. No more stealing my money because someone's great-great-great-great grandparents suffered actual pain and misery at the hands of people I have no relation to, and personally revile.
It's time to toss that massive, obsolete race-hustle machine upon the heap of the other stupid 60s ideas. [[Drag it over there, by wife swapping, next to dope-smoking. Plenty of room right between free love and cop-killing. Careful, don't trip on streaking. There ya go, don't be gentle. Just dumpit. Wash your hands. It's filthy.]]*
In fact, Obama's ascension created a gargantuan irony. How can you sell class envy and American unfairness when you and your black wife went to IvyLeague schools, got high-paying jobs, became millionaires, bought a mansion,and got elected President? How unfair is that??? Now, Like a delicious O'Henry tale, Obama's spread-the-wealth campaign rendered itself moot by it's own victory! America is officially a meritocracy. Obama's election has validated American conservatism!
So, listen carefully...Wham!!!
That's the sound of my foot kicking the door shut on the era of white guilt. The rites have been muttered, the carcass lowered, dirt shoveled, and tombstone erected. White guilt is dead and buried.
However, despite my glee, there's apparently one small, rabid bastion of American racism remaining. Black Americans voted 96% for Barack Obama. Hmmm. In a color-blind world, shouldn't that be 50-50? Tonight, every black person should ask forgiveness for their apparent racism and prejudice towards white people. Maybe it's time to start spreading the guilt around.

Tom Adkins is the former publisher of CommonConservative(http://commonconservative.com/). He can be reached attomadkinscc@yahoo.com.

[*] for the record, Shelley sees NO problem with wife swapping, dope smoking, free love, cop killing, or streaking.

smack does make more interesting stories

2008-11-30T05:34:00.005-05:00

Last "post" has a comment that I am boring now. It's quite true, I'll admit it. The reason I started this blog two years ago is because so much crazy shit happened, a lot of it completely unbelievable, that I just had to publish it. It would be a true story that read like fiction, and every time some other shit went down I could add to the craziness. Fast forward to now, nothing really exciting happens anymore. Do I miss the excitement? Fuck yeah! Am I sorry my life is boring now? Fuck no! I'm happier now than I have been in a long time. I posted this over at opi.org but I can also say it here: some of the happiest times of my life have been because of drugs, but ALL of the most miserable times of my life have been because of drugs. Of course I had fun sometimes, and I was miserable sometimes. Now I'm not miserable at all. Smack *does* make more interesting stories though... no doubt.

Greg has disappeared. He dropped me off on Thursday after having a little Thanksgiving dinner for just our family (me, him, and Little J) and we weren't even fighting. Friday he didn't call at all, and Saturday he was supposed to come over for the big Thanksgiving dinner and he not only didn't show, he didn't even answer my phone calls. My haters will say, "maybe he's sick of your shit." While that could be true, he isn't the type to get angry and just ignore me. No, when he gets a bug up his ass about something I did, he harps on it overandoverandover and absolutely will NOT stop talking about it! Blowing off plans and then giving me the silent treatment? Very much not like him. To tell the truth, I'm kinda worried about him. I'm driving by his house today, so if she who shall not be named is reading, knows what's going on and doesn't want me coming by, give me a call please! Also if Greggie is reading this... please call me! I am scared for you! : ( : (

a little message...

2008-11-24T19:44:00.001-05:00

socialism...

2008-11-19T05:52:00.001-05:00

it's kinda small, but if you click on the cartoon you will get a larger image... GREG.

2 years is nothing to sneeze at!

2008-11-17T21:49:00.002-05:00

It's November 17 2008, and my long-time readers know what that means- it's my 2-year anniversary of this blog! Hooray for being so interesting for so long! I actually didn't get any readers until around June/July of '07, but hell. No one said getting "famous" would be easy. I like my fame in my small circles, the online ones and the real-life ones. I like hanging out in town and half the city stopping to say what's up while the person hanging with me asks, "does everybody know you?!?" Anyways, my father is taking the baby for a stroll in the cold [can you believe it's 60 degrees here in my hot tropical paradise?] and the time I have online I need to spend doing something else which will make me money. And trust me, I NEED money- I gave up on Medicaid and am now faced with paying for 4 immunizations (plus the doctor visit!) by myself in a few weeks :(

What I really wanted to do was congadulate myself for being on here for so long (and yes, my arm does hurt from patting myself on the back) and of course thank my online social circle for being such loyal readers: my followers on Blogger, the few pals I got over at LJ, many of the folks at opi.org, my friends at SDP, my friends on WTE, and anyone else who knows me from online. Okay, fine, I'll name some names! Melody of course, Tori, Carrion Girl, Kelly, Lilygirl, Cocaine Princess, Libby, Boston Joe, Jamie, Polgara, Trish, Poppylovr, Narkotikon (even though you hate me), hater Jake (where have you been lately, did my success shut your mouth once and for all?), and of course the ever-popular ANONYMOUS!!!!!! And my readers who know me IRL: Lucas, my parents, my wonderful Greggie, Greg's "friend" who has asked not to be named but has been a loyal reader for a while now, Elliott aka 'who runs da souf?', Diamond aka 'ice queen', and Johnny from down the street- I know that's not your name, but I told you why I call you that, didn't I? I LOVE ALL OF YOU, EVEN MY HATERS AND SHIT-TALKERS!! KEEP READING AND COMMENTING, AND MAYBE I'LL HAVE 3 YEARS IN!!

If I missed anyone, GET OVER IT!!!! :) :)

RIP capitalism......

2008-11-05T09:46:00.002-05:00

Jesus Harold Christ on a fucking rubber crutch... it's Obama for the win.

Sigh.

Where's Lee Harvey Oswald when you need him, anyway?

pictures of my beloved...

2008-11-04T15:20:00.004-05:00

The Day of Reckoning

2008-11-04T14:41:00.004-05:00

Here are my halloween pictures: one of me and one of Jazzy. Above are more pictures of her because it's my blog and I want everyone to gaze upon the wondrous beauty of my little bear cub baby... over and over and over again. :) The weekend before the 31st, my cousin and I went to Fright Nights, one of those haunted house things at the fairgrounds. Here is a free plug, which I know is useless now that Halloween has passed and Fright Nights is over. But here ya go anyways: http://www.southfloridafair.com/frightnights08/ It was one of my few nights out without the baby (by "night" I mean "a couple of hours" of course, hah) and I had a blast. I'll admit, I did drink, but not much- although I visited the beer tent, I left the liquor drinks alone. Yes, there was a cocktail tent : )

The haunted houses were pretty damn awesome. We would say, "someone is gonna jump out from behind that wall right there, be prepared" and when someone did jump out from there, we'd still scream and jump in fear even though we knew beforehand. I guess it was the atmosphere... plus the beer, the strobe lights, and the noise. Near the end of one of the places, a costumed girl stops us and says "are you claustrophobic? No? Well then, go ahead..." Looking back, we should have said HELL YES! There were 2 huge black tarps being blown in from either side, pressing hard against each other, and folks had to squeeeeze through in the pressure-filled pitch blackness. I didn't like that too much (especially since everyone's sweaty body had rubbed all over that black thing that rubbed across my face) but I gotta admit it was a good ending to a scary haunted house.

On Halloween night itself I stayed home with Jaz and Greg who was off work and in town for the weekend (hooray!!) and passed out candy. To be honest, I ate over half of the candy I bought to pass out, but fuck I'm the one who put up the cash so why not eat it myself? I can't wait until next year, when Jasmyne will be old enough to go trick or treating- and every year after that of course. : ) Let her eat as much candy as she wants the first night, she'll throw up, and I'll get the rest! [[yes I am kidding, you Shelley-hating motherfuckers]]

Halloween was also my court date, after two continuances. I was supposed to get my ankle bracelet that day or the Monday after, but the house arrest people haven't gotten in touch with my attorney so guess what happened? Another goddamned continuance!!!! I go back to court on Nov 13th. I suppose I should be grateful for the extra time, but if house arrest never starts, then it can never fucking END, now can it? Lame... I just want that crap over with already.

They canceled the baby's Medicaid and I had to pay out of my pocket to take her to the doctor for her well-baby visit. Very very gay. Especially after I sat in the DCF office twice for a total of [at least] 4 hours trying to get that shit straightened out. First they put her birthdate as April something, then they wrote "black" under her race (for those who didn't know, Jazzy's biological father is a blond white guy, and yes I do know who he is), and now they canceled her insurance altogether. It's starting to piss me off- I don't want the coverage for myself anymore, I just need my fucking child to go see the fucking doctor! She has to get all her immunizations next month- they better have her shit straight by then. I'm going back to the DCF office a-fucking-gain tomorrow and this time I'm gonna piss and moan instead of being so polite, since that obviously didn't get me jack shit.

For anyone who was waiting for me to mention it... it is The Day of Reckoning! That is to say, election day is upon us, and by the end of the day the nation will know if we are in deep shit or not- and I will find out if Greg owes me twenty dollars or if I have to go the ATM and make a withdrawal for him. Yes, I bet twenty dollars on my candidate.........

JOHN MCCAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

You know the crazy part, I don't even like him or Palin. But I really really REALLY don't like that fucking Obama clown! He will run us into the ground! There is a Mccain sticker on Jasmyne's stroller, and 2 signs in my yard (neither of which are mine). Go John Mccain!! Go white guy!!

Well, I gotta get off the internet soon, since I am needed to tend to a crazy baby who flat-out refuses to nap. She was throwing up this morning too... do I have a sick baby on my hands? She's spoiled rotten (I never put her down except to sleep and drive, hah) but not sick- I hope! : ( : (

crazy baby

2008-10-22T07:50:00.002-04:00

I never get to update anymore because Jaz doesn't let me go online. Seriously, she will be just chillin' or sleeping or someone else will be holding her, no problems at all- until I sit down at the computer. Then she starts howling like a freaking banshee. I've tried holding her in the sling so I can hold her and have my hands free to type, but for some reason she starts crying the minute I sit down in the computer chair. Weird huh? See, I want to make her a playlist for my ipod because in the hospital Greg and I discovered that she likes country music (especially Dolly Parton) but every time I touch the keyboard or the mouse, she goes off. I guess it's cause I'm not paying 100% attention to her, huh? So when I do get online it's always for a short short time so I don't bother coming on the blog. I go on my message boards or I download music on shareaza. Anyone who has emailed me, hah! I haven't checked that either. I guess since my real life got more hectic, my virtual life has taken a beating. Whatever, I'll get over it! :)

Even though she won't let me post, Jaz is a great, easy baby. She mostly only cries when there is a problem (or I'm not paying enough attention to her) such as wet diaper, hunger, bored, etc. She sleeps through the night, usually waking up only once. She hangs out and makes lots of happy noises. When she wakes up, she doesn't scream, instead she makes little "aah aah" noises to get my attention and let me know that she's awake without busting my eardrums. After all, I do sleep a couple inches away from her. :) I have a queen bed, so I put a small 'baby bed' in the middle of the bed and she sleeps there while I sleep on the side of the bed. The 'baby bed' is actually a pillow with cylindrical pillows velcro-ed [is there a word for 'attached with velcro'?] on each side so that I put the baby on the pillow and she can't roll out of it. I like sleeping next to her- it makes me feel safe and it keeps the voices quiet. But the baby bear... she's so good-natured. Except when she's taking a bath- then she freaks the fuck out. She'll get over it.

I'm doing good too, that has a lot to do with the fact that Jasmyne is doing good. I'm still clean amazingly enough. Well to be totally honest, the night before my first court case (last Tuesday) I left Jazzy with my folks for a couple hours and went to the local bar for some beers. I had 3 or 4 Bud Lights and bullshitted with some spanish guys who I met there. Two of them had babies at home also HAH so we talked about that mostly, and also that english is a harder language to learn than spanish (as a second language). I went to the bar because I figured I wouldn't be going anywhere for a while...

House arrest! Did I even write about that on here? My original court date was Tuesday, but it was re-scheduled to Friday, and now it's on Oct 31 so my lawyer can get the proper paperwork to get me "approved" for house arrest. [As we left the courtroom on Friday, I told my lawyer how last Halloween I was in jail and this Halloween I'll be in court.] I am pleading out my old-ass possession charge: 120 days house arrest, with a few exceptions. I can go to the 'done clinic every day, I can go to church on Sundays (weird that the prosecutor agreed to that huh?), I can go grocery shopping once a week, and I can go to all my and the baby's dr appointments. Not that bad, huh?

Time to feed crazy baby... :)

this was on my doorknob

2008-10-13T08:03:00.001-04:00

I go outside to smoke a cig and find this lovely message hanging. It was actually an advertisement for water softener, listing the ways that hard water "robs" us... weird.

my birth story, or, oh sweet Jesus it hurt

2008-10-12T20:54:00.004-04:00

This won't be long- I only got until the munchkin starts to cry and then I gotta go scoop her up. I call her 'baby bear' or 'bear cub' or sometimes just 'bear' although I'm not sure why. It's just that the first time I looked at her, I thought, "she's a little bear!" I also call her cuddlemonkey, wiggleworm or squirm-worm, barracuda (when she's being rough on my titty while eating), munchkin or little munch, little J, teddy, Jazzy-bear, and little nugget... probably other names too. My dad says she will never learn her own name, hah.

Anyways my birth story- 'twas quite painful. Got induced Thursday night with oxytocin but it wasn't doing shit so they took me off the drip and stuck something called cervadil into my twat. Started having BAD contractions around 2am and was given epidural, since I am a pussy when it comes to physical pain. Once that was working, I passed out and was awakened at about 9am with superbad contractions and an urge to push. My doc was called, then I was told to push which H-U-R-T!!!!!!!!!!! Oh sweet Jesus it hurt. I kept saying "no, I can't do it, I can't fucking do it, just stop and cut me open, cut my stomach open and pull that kid out, I can't fucking push any goddamn more!" Yep, I was whining like a little bitch- screaming too. Dr told me that if I pushed her head a little bit out he could pull her the rest of the way but I couldn't do it. Greg yelled at me to push and I punched him in the stomach. I pushed as hard as I could (screaming at the top of my lungs at the same time) and felt something warm and slippery come out... then something heavy and wet was thrown on my stomach. I look down and see a small, bloody, naked human being wiggling around on my belly and say my first words to my daughter...

..."no fucking way!"

I know, not exactly the right way to welcome a baby into the world, but I was so shocked. Yeah, of course I knew that labor would lead to an infant, no shit, but I wasn't ready for it. I can't really explain what I mean here without sounding stupid like "der, I didn't realize that 9 months of pregnancy would result in a baby, derrr" but whatever. Then I was in so much goddamn pain that I didn't even want to look at her, much less hold her. Greg (who was there the whole time and was AWESOME to me!!!!!!!) was holding her after the nurses had cleaned her up and put a diaper, the way he was looking at her made me very happy- still does, actually. : ) I didn't have any episiotomy or tears or stitches, but it still hurt like a mofo and I was bleeding a LOT and my stomach/abdomen was killing me and my legs both had charley-horses and I was shaking all over... basically I was not a happy camper.

The nurses then gave me my 90mg of methadone, plus some kind of narcotic painkiller (I didn't ask what it was). The combination got me pretty high, I think it's because I had been sharing my dose with the little munch the whole time and now all 90mg were going to me and to me alone, plus the other dope whatever it was. I started to feel better, at least until I got up to go pee which burned like gonorrhea (well I've never had gonorrhea but I do have an imagination). It was about 30 minutes after I was given the dose that I was able to finally hold the baby. I was fucking amazed at her, but I wasn't overwhelmed by love- she was a total stranger, just a really tiny helpless-looking one. I had expected her to be ugly since I was told that all newborns are ugly, but she was actually pretty. I figured that she was just pretty to me since she was my kid, but others have said the same thing so I guess she was a good-looking newborn. Later I saw other kids that were 1 day old or less and they were mostly weird-looking so I felt special.

Okay the kid is crying so I will continue this later... to be continued!

here's some baby pics ya damn whiners!!

2008-10-02T00:51:00.005-04:00

I will write the whole story- including the very painful (but apparently normal) birth, the tales of the neonatal intensive care unit, and the incredible fact that Jaz had NO withdrawal symptoms whatsoever (in yo' FACE, haters!)- later. Right now y'all just get pictures, which I assume will satisfy everyone's curiosity for now. The hat she is wearing in the first pic- that is from Melody. The man-hands you see near her face in the first three pics- that is probably the most you will ever see of Greg on this blog. I have not slept for more than a couple hours at a time since Thursday, it is me and Jasmyne's first day home and the baby is asleep so I shall be going to bed now too. Breastfed baby in cloth diapers- it's not as hard as everyone said it would be, aside from no sleep and sticking my hand in the toilet.

Can I say once more, to my fans and even more to my haters: Jasmyne Rose Moreau suffered ABSOLUTELY NO WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS from the methadone, and had NO other drugs in her system!!!!!! Also, DCF interviewed me for about 5 minutes and then immediately closed the case against me. I bet my haters are just grindin' their teeth over that shit... ha ha! My baby is healthy and the state trusts me! Hooray for me and Jaz!

It's a girl (2)

2008-09-26T15:09:00.003-04:00

Jasmyne Rose, born Sep. 26, 2008 at 11:15 a.m. 7lbs 10oz, 19 inches. APGAR score 9.9 out of a perfect 10, which no baby gets. Mama currently breastfeeding. Praise the Lord!

Michelle's Mama

It's a girl!

2008-09-26T15:09:00.001-04:00

full amateur spa treatment

2008-09-24T23:01:00.004-04:00

So, less than 24 hours to go...

I am pretty excited and scared, excited because the pregnancy will FINALLY be over and scared because I am such a pussy when it comes to physical pain. All that emotional-pain shit, I might get upset but then I get over it real fast. But I won't even pick up the half-gallon of milk with my right arm because I'm scared it will dislocate and that shit hurts so bbbAAAddd!!! I like the fact that the kid doesn't have any methadone in her system (according to a clean amnio test) and hopefully with have NO withdrawal symptoms. It's like God is giving us a pass because I did everyfuckingthing I could.

I was trying to make myself pretty today since I am facing a 6-day hospital stay for 'observation' which I'm not really looking forward to. It's partly because of the 'done and partly because I am high risk for postpartum depression, I guess that's because I am psychotic in every other regard. I tend not to be depressed though, I go the other way into "severe mania with audial and visual hallucinations" hah! :) Anyways, I got the "full amateur spa treatment" which means I gave myself a pedicure (I can't barely reach my feet), Greggie cut/filed/painted my nails (and let me tell you, he is much better at manly things than girly things like nail-painting, hahaha), and my mom cut my hair (she usually cuts my hair and dyes it too). I just appreciate that they tried, plus I like the kinda choppiness of my hair and my nails and toes look good to me. If I cared *that* much I'd go get my shit done professionally, but it's just not that big of a deal. I don't wear makeup either.

I wanted to say thanks, mostly to Greg and my family [side note: to the person who asked, Greg and my parents get along VERY WELL, shit when he comes over to the house he talks to them almost as much as he talks to me, I gotta get him alone to get his attention, haha; also while I am in the hospital he has blanket permission to come to my parent's house to eat or shower or whatever so he doesn't hafta go all the way home; my parents trust him which says a lot because they hate *everyone* that I like!] for being so damn supportive of me while I have been a fat lazy whiny bitch who has her own room but still insists on sleeping on the couch while people want to watch TV. :) More thanks to friends who even though I have not spent time with in person, they have helped me out a lot: ELLIOTT of course (who runs da souf bitch!), Melody (my bestest internet 'waist-up' girlfriend), Diamond and Dezirae (for being awesome in general), the folks on opiophile.org (well most of y'all at least), the people at my church (who of course don't know that this blog exists) and all my online friends. Also, thanks to the gracious woman who gave me the jasmine plant- I know you don't want to be named on this blog, but you know who you are- thank you. Y'all kick ass, and not just because you hang with me.

I wanted to say something about the person who "prefers to remain anonymous" (instead of just "promoting themselves and their blogs", that's kind of funny since just about everyone who comments with their blog link already has a link from my site anyways, hah). People say not to respond to her dumbness (I'm pretty sure she is female) and I did anyways, but I'm not going to anymore. I'll still respond to the more literate of the haters, but that girl can't really be grouped with "the haters" ya know? She isn't hating, I think in her own strange way she is trying to help me out. It's just that what she says doesn't apply at all, and that's not her fault. She thinks she knows a lot more about my situation (and apparently my relationship) than she actually does. But to quote the NAzis, "if it doesn't apply, let it fly." If someone was posting about how I could improve my soybean crop, I'd ignore them too because it doesn't apply to my situation at all and therefore it's not advice I can use.

Same idea for the man-hater, which is a good name for her. She's not really a Michelle-hater, she obviously was taken advantage of and hurt by some asshole dude (as we all know, this planet has no shortage of asshole dudes) and now thinks that any woman who loves any man is bound to end up like she did. But it's just not true. I defended Greg more that I defend myself on here, but he doesn't need defending on this blog and neither does our relationship. I know he loves me, he knows I love him, we both know where we stand, and age ain't nothin' but a number.

Well, I am OUTTIE and when I return, I shall post pictures of the munchkin!

pictures that I shoulda posted a week ago

2008-09-23T13:17:00.005-04:00

1) the tiny grass snake I found and caught on the front porch

2) my huge ass in my beach outfit (bathing suit underneath since I had to go to the 'done clinic first)

3) me holding the blanket I crocheted for the baby- I started that sumbitch in April and just finished it a couple weeks ago.

4) the room that the baby and I will share

5) same as above, only a close-up of my shelf o' baby crap

6) same room, same crap, this time a close-up of the crib (which my father put together, but my mom and I did the stroller with no "manly assistance!")

7) me and my mom at the baby shower

8) all the women that showed up to the shower... look at all of 'em!! I wasn't kidding, was I?

9) at baby shower opening presents

10) top row [left to right]- my aunt Irene, my cousin Lorraine, and my aunt Diana (Lorraine's mom); bottom row- me and my mama

11) some of the many many presents I received at the shower

a slow little munchkin

2008-09-23T12:51:00.003-04:00

The baby shower at my church was amazing! I have never gotten so much damn stuff at once in my life, and I set up the baby's room which is also my room. I expected 10, maybe 15 women to show up with gifts but in reality it was more like 30. My mom loaded up the Ford Fusion with the gifts, filling the trunk, backseat, and front passenger seat to absolute capacity. I actually had to get a ride home from someone else because I didn't fit in the fucking car! That isn't including the crib which was delivered to my house along with the crib mattress, the stroller and car seat which were sent to my local Wal-Mart and was just picked up yesterday (my mom and I put the damn stroller together by ourselves, without the help of the menfolk- hooray for us!!), the high chair which was given a ride home in the car I had to ride in, and a shitload of stuff that was dropped off in my garage last week. It's freakin' incredible.

The reality is, I have SOOOO much baby crap that I ended up having to give some stuff away since there wasn't any room for it all! I kept the stuff I needed (of course) and then the stuff I really liked, then gathered all the stuff I didn't need/like/want along with the stuff I received *way* too much of and put it in a couple large bags. I gave the bags, which included 3 *huge* packs of disposable diapers which I won't need since I am totally determined to use washable cloth diapers exclusively, to my counselor at the methadone clinic, since she is also the counselor for all the chicks with babies under 1 year old. When I gave her the bag, she asked why I wasn't selling the stuff and I replied that it had been given to me for free and it wasn't right for me to then turn around and sell it for a profit. That earned me a weird look from her and then she told me that I was one of the only patients at the clinic to think like that. I guess I should take that as a compliment!

I guess I'll talk about Greggie- what can I say about him? Greg... well, how do I put this.... he is the best fucking boyfriend I could ever imagine having. We have had our arguments and problems like any other couple, but I have complete faith that he loves me and will do damnear anything for me. He's not just talk, he puts his money where his mouth is, and even if he didn't want kids at first (hell, neither did I) I know he is excited about the impending new munchkin. As long as I stay off the shit- which I don't have much of a choice about anyways, it's sober time for Michelle- he is right there by my side. I love my man Greggie with all of my heart and I'm always trying to find ways to show him how much I care. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know... and I already give great head so I need more creative suggestions than that, k? :)

This fuckin' baby is a slow little munchkin. She still hasn't been born yet which is *totally* gay- I am 4cm dilated and basically "all systems are go." The dr cannot fucking figure out why she is not being born! I tried walking,There is some very very good news though....

I AM BEING INDUCED ON

THURSDAY 9/25!!!

eating sand in knee-deep water

2008-09-13T19:44:00.006-04:00

So I go to the 'done clinic this morning about 5 minutes before they closed for the day and was standing in the relatively short line, and before I even got to the front the nurse called my name and told me that my counselor had to see me before I could dose. Whatever. I figured she got the results of my whiz quiz because I asked her to let me know if I passed for THC or not (I quit smoking pot 3 weeks ago and took my test a few days ago and if I am negative for pot, then I get takehomes and only hafta come in 3 days/week!), so I go into her office and we have the following conversation:

"Michelle, I just got the results back from the lab from your UA."

Cool, did I come up for pot or no?

"Actually no, you're negative for everything except methadone. Whose urine was it?"

What? My pee... why would I have someone else's... what? Why?

"You're negative for EVERYTHING except methadone... and that means the pregnancy test also came up negative."

Really? So you don't think I'm pregnant?

"No, of course you're pregnant. That's why I don't think this is your urine. I have to administer another test but I need to watch you pee this time. Are you ok with that?"

Doesn't bother me any. One question though... was the pee diluted?

"Actually, yes... so you're telling me that it was a lab error, and that it's really your urine?"

Well I know for a fact I'm not carting around anyone else's piss, so it was either a lab error or I'm not really pregnant and this [pats huge belly] is just a crazy moving tumor or something.

"I didn't think you'd used anyone else's pee, but I had to know for sure and the only way to know was to confront you like that. You'd be surprised at what people will do just to get their take homes- they put containers of pee up inside their bodies!"

I've actually heard of that, but I'll be honest with you: I would not carry around a bottle of someone else's piss unless I was facing prison time. And I'm *not*, so I didn't. Plus, it was a random test! I didn't know you were gonna be testing me on that specific day, which means I would had to have carried the piss bottle in every day for about a week... just to test negative for pot? No, not my style at all.

So I had to pee in front of her and she sent in my new specimen for testing. It really was my piss, and it really did say that I wasn't pregnant... weird huh? The good news is that it tested negative for THC, which means that the one I took today will also. Hooray!!! That means I get my fuckin' take homes maybe. I'm very glad I had all those diluted tests in a row, they proved my innocence in this case. Hah!

I went to Golden Corrall with Greg 2 days in a row and today we went to the beach. I think there's another hurricane in the Atlantic because the waves were crazy! I was getting knocked down and eating sand in knee-deep water, and so was Greggie. :) I got sunburned, I swallowed a gallon of salt water and took another gallon up my nose, I left half my skin on the bottom of the ocean, my eyes are bloodshot, my hair is straw, I'm achy, and that Lake Worth cop who tazered me (the lieutenant, more about that situation here: http://michelleldub.blogspot.com/2007/11/parlance-of-prostitutes.html) saw me at the beach today and pointed at me before driving on... and it was all worth it. I am so glad that man took me to the beach today, what fun.

Tommorrow is the baby shower at my church. It's so sweet of the ladies at church to give me a baby shower, I didn't expect them to. I like my church and most of the folks there- they actually accept you for who you are instead of just talking about how nonjudgemental and tolerant they are while they silently judge you and give you the oogie-eye.

God, I hope this baby is born soon. I literally have to stop and pee 4-6x during a movie that lasts an hour and a half! This morning at breakfast, 4 pee-breaks. Wow there is a lot in this blog entry about pee today, something must be wrong with me. :)

I guess I'm officially white trash now...

2008-09-10T20:06:00.001-04:00

Look at my new GOLD tooth!!

kwee-wee

2008-09-09T21:53:00.003-04:00

I. Am. Too. God. Damn. La. Zy. To. Up. Date. Re. Gu. Lar. Ly.

There- I said it! I am one lazy pregnant bee-yotch. Every time I write, I promise to update "every other day" or "2-3 times a week" and that becomes once a week, if that. So whatever- I update once a week. I can try to update more, but the god's honest truth is that nothing interesting happens lately. I started this blog because so much crazy shit happened to me on a daily basis that I just had to share. Now, I am 9 months pregnant and sitting at home most of the day. I play around online, I go out to eat sometimes, I do the grocery shopping for the house (even when I'm broke, my dad won't let anyone go grocery shopping without me because I can bring home $100 worth of food for $60 and I know which brands are worth paying extra for- basically I am awesome at grocery shopping!), I go to the library and check out books, I watch tons of movies from Blockbuster, I hang out with Greg and have awkward huge-belly sex (I usually end up hurting my back, but it's worth it), I drink tons and tons of water and milk and Crystal Light, I complain about the baby kicking me and how much my back hurts, I make money online, I watch the wildlife in my yard, I smoke 5 or 6 Newports a day, I sometimes wish I had drugs, I try to make the voices in my head shut up.

That's it- that's my fucking life right now. I have never been so bored, but at the same time I'm too fuckin' tired and fat and achy to really want to do anything. I'm going with Greg to happy hour at TGI Fridays after Jaz is born, have me some booze and some non-huge-belly sex on one of the nights that my parents babysit. Hooray! I'll pump some milk in advance and use those alcohol milk test strips to make sure baby doesn't get drunk too... make it real safe-like. Drugs after she is born? No, no drugs... there is a possibility that I will start smoking pot again (not on a regular basis) but I don't even think I'm gonna go in that direction again. Heroin and coke and crack- that's not even an option. You can be a good mom if you go out drinking one night when you have a trustworthy babysitter, and you can even be a good mom if you smoke pot sometimes. But NO ONE can be a good mom while nodding on dope or tweeking on coke. I miss my drugs, shit I miss them *badly* sometimes, but I'd rather be a good mom than get high. That was a hard choice to make (it shouldn't have been, I know) but I'm 100% confident that I chose right. I can't be a mom and a junkie at the same time, so I choose mom. Fuck being a junkie- I already did that, didn't I? I know what that life is all about, but this new life... I know nothing about it and I'd like to learn. I can't wait.

Plus, I don't need coke- I have been high as fuck lately on nothing but hormones and unmedicated bipolar disorder. This morning I couldn't stop talking at all, my head was spinning and the voices in my head were screaming at me to go get some heroin. They reminded me of the d-boy's phone number (which I had forgotten) and told me that since I had gotten piss-tested today at the clinic that I could get away with a shot. They even told me where I could get a needle! Fuckin' voices in my head. I didn't listen to them, but I did hafta take a vistaril which was prescribed by my ob/gyn because it's safe for pregnancy. I recently switched from generic (hydroxyzine) to name-brand (vistaril) and the new shit knocks me for a loop. I went from totally freaking out- spinning, tons of head noise, babbling, heart racing, laughing and crying at the same time, etc- to damnear comatose in about an hour. I finally passed out, that brand vistaril feels like valium. It does help satisfy my drug craving without taking anything illegal or dangerous to the baby, which is awesome.

And... that's it. Thanks to all who suggested movies and television shows, I added a whole bunch of stuff to my "queue" which I call DA LIST because I don't like that word queue. It looks like it should be pronounced kwee-wee doesn't it?

tell me what movies to watch!

2008-09-02T12:13:00.003-04:00

I'm signed up for Blockbuster Online, the $20 plan where I get 3 movies at a time and 5 in-store exchanges per month. I was gonna get a cheaper plan, but I'm probably gonna end up on house arrest and figure that I will appreciate having lots of movies to watch. Currently, I am watching the HBO show Weeds and just finished the first season- great show, very dramatic and unrealistic and interesting, which are all things I look for in a show. Also Sons of Anarchy starts tommorrow, and since I constantly watch FX I have seen it advertised enough times that I actually want to watch it. Who ever said advertising doesn't work?

Back to the point- as happy as I am with Blockbuster, my movie queue [aka DA LIST] is quite short and I can't think of movies/tv shows to add. I need recommendations! I have already asked on a couple of the forums that I frequent, and now I am asking here. Basically I am capable of being interested in damnear any movie that I catch within the first 15 minutes (there are always exceptions!) but here are my top genre picks:

(1) Scary movies- slasher flicks are ok sometimes but intelligent horror movies (aka "psychological thrillers") are more my style.

(2) Cartoons! I like kids cartoons as well as those made for adults, but i HATE anime .

(3) Comedies of all kinds: slapstick, comedy/dramas, stupid shit, sophomoric garbage, stand-up routines, love 'em all. The only exception, I don't much like films that call themselves "romantic comedies" since they are all about the same and they annoy me.

(4) Any movie about a murderer/serial killer who outsmarts everybody- even if he gets caught in the end.

(5) Sick strange psychotic movies that don't follow a timeline or make you watch them over and over to figure out wtf just happened on TV.

(6) Prison movies and GOOD dope movies (a lot of dope movies are major suckfests), especially ones involving crack since movie crackheads are even more entertaining than crackheads in real life!

(7) Cop movies of all types- corrupt cops and good-guy cops, I like all of 'em. These are probably my favorite type of movie, cop flicks! I'm thrilled about the new Samuel L. Jackson movie "Lakeview Terrace" where he will play a corrupt cop who scares the crap outta his white neighbors- hooray!!

(8) ROBERT DOWNEY JR, Adam Sandler, JOHNNY DEPP, Tim Burton, Benicio Del Toro, Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphey (sp?), Mark Wahlberg ["Marky Mark"], Samuel L Jackson, Penelope Cruz, WILL FERRELL (again sp?), Ben Stiller, Denzel Washington, and WESLEY SNIPES.

What I don't like: pretentious foreign films, *anime*, science fiction, action movies with no plot besides explosions, fantasy stuff (such as Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter), Michael Moore, slasher movies with no plot besides blood and guts like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Jack Black (I hate that fucker with a passion that burns deep within me... grrrrr), teenager "coming-of-age" shit, and Date Movie or Epic Movie or any "[vague genre] Movie" since the FIRST Scary Movie (ok, the third one was good too- but that's it!!)

Please give me your movie recommendations in my comments page, thanks in advance to anyone who does! House arrest will go much quicker with many things to watch on TV I bet.

a little knowledge never hurt anyone

2008-09-01T10:26:00.010-04:00

You know that I have no excuse for not updating? Ever? Seriously, I am online at least twice a day- reading and posting on my forums ["online communities"], reading my comments here and laughing about them, reading other blogs, looking at crazy websites, playing Boggle online (it's a very fun game and I am quite good at it, like Peggy from King of the Hill "ho-yeah!"), arguing politics with strangers... basically the virtual equivalent of twiddling my thumbs. But god forbid I update my blog! It just seems like a lot of work, although every time I start an update I enjoy it and then I blather on and on and on and on with no end in sight. I just need to start typing, ya know? I will attempt to update at least 3x a week so that my fans can enjoy and my haters can hate on a more regular basis. Once-a-week entertainment is not enough! :)

I will start with telling about the pictures, from top to bottom:

(1) me and Lucas at TGI Friday's in Gainesville, the last time I got to see him before dropping him off at his new apartment.

(2) Same as above, only with a steak knife.

(3) My big fat ass in my late grandmother's dress.

(4) Me and some of my homeless friends, One-Eyed Bob and Pier. Bob "ripped me off" for $30 back when I was a junkie, I kinda let him because he needed the money more than me, but the funny part is that the other day when I saw him he told me to be at his hangout on the first of the month (today, actually) and he would pay me back. Hah! If anyone believes that, I got some land in the Everglades to sell you. :) The girl, Pier, she and I looked out for each other in county jail and I kinda looked out for her on the street (meaning, I was the dope fairy). She is good people.

(5) 9 months and 164 pounds!!

(6) The food at my brother's going-away party, and my grandma at the end of the table. I think me and my bro were posing for another pic while this was being taken.

Anyways, the trip to Gainesville was fun. We seen Lucas' apartment (his very first apartment, my baby bro is growin' up sooooo fast!!!) me his roommates, who are carbon copies of the melvins he hangs with at home. They don't look alike, but everything else is pretty much identical! I told him that if he ever missed his friends, he could talk to his roommates with his eyes shut and call them Jake and Dan and Matt [aka the screamy one] and he'd never know the difference. At first he told me to shut up and stop being a bitch, but about a half hour later he admitted that yes, they are pretty much the same people. Then we went to TGI Fridays (as pictured) and dropped him back off at his new place- I gave him a big hug and he told me that he'd come home for a few days to meet his neice when she was born, and I didn't cry at all. But I miss that kid with all of my heart!! The house feels so fuckin' empty without him, and I have no one left to bicker with... : (

After dropping him off, my mom and I stayed at the student-union hotel and the next morning we stopped at the local 'done clinic for my guest-dose before heading north to High Springs. We went to Ichetucknee Springs [I had to look up how to spell that] which has a long cold river that folks can "float down" on a big water donut or other kind of floatie while the current pulls you. Depending on where you enter the springs, you can float for 3 hours, 1 1/2 hours, or half an hour. We chose the middle one, rented water donuts (some other people call them inner tubes, same thing) and jumped in the 72 degree water. Well, I jumped into the water, my mom just got into her water donut while I submerged myself, saying "I take showers colder than this!"

It was a LOT of fun! We saw a bunch of turtles and fishes and a great blue heron and got our floats stuck on logs and half-sunken trees. There were supposedly otters, but I didn't see any of those little guys. Somewhere along the way I managed to pull the muscles in my back, probably while twisting around in my float to either push my water donut off a log or look at a turtle or something, so that hurt like hell. It's a week later and it *still* hurts! But I'm still glad I went, and I'd do it again anytime.

On Wednesday I went to court for my shit (I've talked about it a lot on here, but if you really don't know what's going on click here: http://michelleldub.blogspot.com/2008/04/stupid-old-warrants.html ) and the news wasn't good: 4 months house arrest or probation. Now I'm "seasoned" enough to know that probation means go to jail later (it's a fuckin' trap!!) so I'm not touching that with a 20-foot pole. House arrest... well, it can't be THAT bad, right? I'll have a new baby so I'll be spending most of my time at home with her anyways- I can bond with her, teach her how to swim in the pool, and work on my latest money-making scheme (it's legal!). Still, I'm gonna fight a little bit. The police report was nothing but lies lies LIES and I'm not down with that, I'm halfway through writing what really happened and it is up to them to prove the lies- such as, I didn't give a fuckin' statement! I will write more about this case as it progresses, as of now I have a continuance until after the munchkin is born.

I'm not gonna reply to all 30 comments because I'm going to a Labor Day picnic and also I straight-up don't feel like it, too much hate that doesn't deserve too much of a response. But I will answer a couple things: who is it that has nothing going on in their lives to the point where they just follow me around from forum to forum (and apparently in real life too) trying to catch me in lies? Let me break this to ya: I am not that fucking interesting. Seriously! Well to myself, and I *know* I'm interesting enough to gather readers and fans and haters, but I am really not fascinating to the point where you need to follow me around. That is called "stalking" and it really shows how little of a life you have. You really think you called me out there, didn't ya? Naming people I don't know, trying to sound like you're telling the truth. I don't know a Joe S, but if you say "where Tina used to stay" you obviously mean the 'old sleazeway' no? And P is the girl I am in the picture with above? Oh yeah she saw me, hell the pic proves that much. And she without a doubt recognized the vehicle I was traveling in, but not because it was a trick- because I used to convince that vehicle's operator to pull over and give her a ride all the time, even though he didn't trust her as far as he could throw her. Yeah, she recognized us, no doubt! : )

Oh and if you would tell me how to give "a toothless blowjob" when the only teeth that are missing are my wisdom teeth I would be capable of making more money if I decided to hit the block again- which I probably won't, but a little knowledge never hurt anyone, dig? Past tricks have told me that they pick up old crackwhores because they like the toothless bj's, something I am incapable of reproducing although my bj's are special in their own way, hah. I don't see myself back on the streets though, because I am actually enjoying being clean. Weird, huh? I can even stick with not smoking pot, now the only drugs I am taking are methadone and my prenatal vitamins, along with Tums and an occasional Extra-Strength Tylenol when my back starts to hurt. It feels good. I can't detox off the 'done because I plan on breast-feeding, but I'm kinda grateful for that because trying to come off while taking care of a newborn might be a little overwhelming and I don't want to fuck up. Hell, I won't fuck up! I can't wait for this kid to be born...

I'd take another month of his screaming asshole friends

2008-08-24T04:37:00.005-04:00

I was gonna post about lots of things, but one by one I forgot what they were. Go figure, right? But now it's 4:38am and I don't feel like making this long, since I have a long car ride ahead of me and I want as much new music on my ipod as possible so I don't get bored. So while Shareaza is my first priority, this must be updated because I am leaving for Gainesville today and when I get back I want to talk about me trip. Lucas is going back to school (UF) and my mama is driving him, and she asked if I wanted to go with for the trip. Basically we are just dropping him off at his apartment (he's living off campus this semester, his first apartment which means no one will be "looking out" or coming in once a week to clean his bathroom and empty the trash) and then me and moms are going to a motel for the night and maybe we will do something else, I will write about it upon my return. I am gonna miss my little bro soooo fucking much! I'd take another month of his screaming asshole friends if it meant he got to stay here another month... : (

Anyways I stopped smoking pot which I guess is good. Greggie is helping keep me in check with that cause there's no hiding shit from him. He always knows what I'm trying to hide, which can get on my nerves but it can actually be a good thing. I figure after the munchkin is born, I can decide what I want to do then although maybe being "weedless" is better. Guess I'll find out.

The "hurricane" turned out to be nothing, although a tornado touched down in the suburb where I live (not that far from me actually). It took down a bunch of horse barns (there are tons of equestrians and polo players in my parents suburb), when I saw the damage I was sad because I thought that the horses might have gotten killed or hurt. Turns out that no horses were harmed, hooray! What I saw during the storm was buckets of rain for half a day. Driving to the methadone clinic sure was crazy though- I thought the wind was gonna flop the car right over. Everyone was driving 30mph, with their blinkers/brights on, and in the left lane. Any car who attempted the right or even center lane ended up driving through retardedly large puddles- also getting "stuck" behind the 3 or 4 cars that I saw stalled out in the middle of a road-lake over there. They must've flooded their undercarriages, hah! But I have shown my superior driving skills if I can make it through that- fuck not having a "permission slip," I am one of the safest drivers I know!

On the forum I hang out at, someone spewed a bunch of hate at me... started a whole thread about it. Have these people not figured out that that type of shit doesn't bother me? In fact I like the attention- yeah I'm a total attention whore, so is anyone with a "tell-all" blog, who cares. The funniest thing about that forum is that if any given member dislikes any other member, they will actually give a psychiatric diagnosis- because after all, reading lies that people post is the best way to figure out their medical problems. My "diagnosis" was borderline personality disorder, which I thought was great. If you want to see what was written (it is pretty funny) go here:
http://forum.opiophile.org/showthread.php?t=18288
I don't know if it will work because it's on a "private" part of the forum actually. If non-members could let me know if that link works, cause it obviously works for me but I am a member. One thing about this guy- at least he posted his flame with a username instead of anonymously over here. I guess that shows he has at least one testicle right?

Send more money!

"what does it mean to hide the salami?"

2008-08-18T08:48:00.008-04:00

This is not a new post, it's just replies. There are 31 comments for August 4th, 11 comments for August 15th, and 4 comments (so far?) for yesterday, which was August 17th. I won't respond to all of them since some comments are simply not worth responding to, but I try to keep a balance of fans and flames (also known as "cheers" and "jeers") because responding only to flames would be unnecessarily defensive (not to mention rude to my friends) while responding only to fans would mean that I can dish it out but I can't take it. Some comments, whether fan or flame, just do not need to be answered. So with that in mind, here ya go guys. See how dedicated I am to all my readers, even the ones who hate me? Keep those donations coming! I can't start working again until I get myself back in shape (I already have a job offer for a LEGAL job at a LEGAL club, hooray!!) so all my cash is coming from donations, the ads on this blog, filling out mindless surveys, and a few other online "scams" that I am running. Every little bit helps! And to those of you who have already sent me money, THANKS BUNCHES!!!!! None of the money placed in my "virtual tip jar" has been spent, I am saving it for the baby, and any more that comes my way will recieve the same treatment. Anyways, here y'all go, a long list of my...

... selected replies!

[with "them" in red!!]

"So glad you liked the gifts girlie, I was hoping you would seeing as how we have similar tastes and all."

You know I got no reason to kiss your ass (and I tend not to kiss ass even when it's in my best interests either), so believe me when I say that I love everything you sent for sure! The pink Chuck T's are my favorites, I like how everything is pink and skulls are surely not "inappropriate for baby clothes" or whatever it is that uptight women say. If my daughter is gonna be a crazy goth chick when she gets older, so be it- I can't change that by how I dress her as an infant. Do you think that's what the " _[insert item]___-is-inappropriate-for-baby-wear" folks are afraid of? That their kid will grow up and wear weird clothes? Hah, people and their crazy ideas. But anyways, a thousand thank-yous for the munchkin gear. My family and friends are throwing me a baby shower on August 30th, if you want you can send me a PayPal donation (I am shameless in my online panhandling, no?) but you've done so much for me already so don't let me pressure you. Thanks for being a friend to me, ya punk-rock "grrl"! That's what the female punks say, right? I wouldn't know, I think punk is just noise <---blasphemy right? :)

"You mean to tell me that as a prospective mother **** seven months pregnant **** that you did not prepare for this special event finacially, get your fat lazy ass out there and get a job like my wife did when she was expecting !"

Greggie you big liar! I knew this little gem was yours right away, and you know full well why I don't have a job. To those of you who don't know: I have been working full-time since I was a young teenager, not always legally but I always earned and never stole or panhandled. But things are different now. I had to stop working when I began to get a little too... well, rotund [convex, protruding, expanded, plus-sized, globe-shaped or just plain HUGE, anyone with a better/funnier term please let me know!] for the job. For the first time in my life, I am on govt assistance (just temporary pregnant-woman Medicaid, it's not like I get welfare checks) and running an "Active Begging Campaign" online as well as in meatspace. I will probably continue the A.B.C. [hehe] for a little while after the baby is born, but not long. Once the Medicaid runs out, I hope to start working somewhere- as I said earlier in this post, I have been offered a real live job when I start lookin' good again. Okay? Okay!

"Holy shit!! Is Lucas the father? That explains everything. Your parents... they're siblings right? Or cousins? And then they had a retarded kid... you... and now you and your brother are going to have a double retarded kid. Sweet Jesus. This explains EVERYTHING."

Double retarded? I love it! Where did you get that term, your medical records? To answer your question, I don't think I've ever been fucked up enough to make sweet love to my 20-year-old brother. Ewwwwwww. But since I answered your question, please answer one of mine: what is it about me that causes so much hatred to flow through you in my direction? I didn't take you up on your offer, is that it? Are you that shallow? Is it that I remind you of one of your inbred, crackhead relatives- your mother, perhaps? This isn't a rhetorical question, I seriously want an answer. It doesn't bother me much, but it does kind of blow my mind that you can dislike me sooooo much even though we have never met and (God willing) never will meet. I'm not a hateful person, I'm actually one of those who finds it damnear impossible to stay pissed off at somebody for more than an hour or so (2-3 hours for *major* offenses), and really hateful angry people confuse me. Your comments don't hurt me, Jake, but they make me feel sad for you and for humanity in general. Will you be a man and answer my question?

Side note: These responses of mine are too long- I will be here fuckin' forever! I will try to be more succinct [eschew surplusage] from here on out. Hell, I got to! The power keeps flickering and I am not starting over!!

"Jake, you are truly a piece of work. I have no idea how you can spew such hatred for someone you don't even know."

I've been wondering the same thing! Let's see if he has enough balls to respond.

"I knew the second I saw those chucks that they were for Jaz. I'm so glad you like 'em, that lil girl deserves to be decked out in style!"

I agree, and very much appreciate it.

"I think that Michelle is just giddy with happiness in her pregancy and about her baby's arrival. She truly looks happy to me. Her old pictures were kind of scowly."

I guess you could call 'em scowly, I thought of my old pics as half-unconcious. :) I feel a hell of a lot happier though- I thought I was happy on dope, and in a lot of ways I was, but I prefer it like this. Methadone + pregnancy has me stable, sober, and feeling good!

"It seems that annoying loser libby is everywhere these days. UGH!"

What did she ever do to you, ya big bully?

"I woulda called but I think ken hates me ever since the 'air conditianer incident' back home ... I gotta see the girl whos gonna birth my "neeice" all my brothers just have sons ... I saw what u wrote on forum, u do have a friend here even tho I still talk to micheal, hes off drugs and it doesnt matter hell Im happy ur clean for baby me n u took a BLOOD OATH we will always b friends or did u forget that day in da swamp??? I no u didnt forget..."

Thanks for not showing up, stupid tweaked-out redneck. You had to work, yeah I bet, by "work" you probably mean finding some hot guy and sucking each other's dicks off instead of going to see your preggo best friend, ya big beautiful meanie!! : ) My dad isn't your biggest fan, that's fo sho, but it doesn't have much to do with the a/c thing (yes, I do know exactly what you are referring to, and it still makes me laugh just thinking about it!!!). He doesn't like you because of, well, everything you stand for. Also he kinda blames you for some of my problems even though I've told him overandoverandover that I chose my own path... I guess he doesn't believe in personal responsibility either. At least he doesn't think our addiction is a "disease" which is a plus, he thinks its a choice but that you influenced me towards it- what can I say to that? We took our first hit together, no "peer pressure." To the other thing, of course you will be Jasmyne's uncle! Lucas will hafta come first, but I know you're not the jealous type ; ) And yes, I remember the blood oath- I still have the fuckin' scar to prove it, although it's lost in my other scars I know which one it is. When's the last time you visited "our sacred swamp" there? Agh, here I go again with the novel-length responses. Elliott, I will call you ok?

"your such an awesome beautiful woman. and you are doing so well by you and your baby. some ppl want to put you down for what you were but how many ppl can come back from the hell that you have been in and be doing so well. lots of love for you and baby jaz."

People can put me down until the world ends, I don't care. Online shit-talking is just like a sparrow's fart in a hurricane- it's barely noticable, it doesn't hurt, and no matter how bad it stinks it fades quick. Thanks for the props though!

"Another comment on opiophile showing Shelly's true colors:"im looking forward to after baby is bornso me and bf can go out one night and get plastered drunk"Honey, you won't have to worry about how much time you have to get drunk and high. You won't have that baby long. DCF doesn't look kindly on kids born addicted to methadone and weed whose mother is a prostitute."

If you had even half a nutsack, you'd respond to opiophile comments on opiophile with your opiophile screen name. But instead you drag my comments here to talk shit anonymously- that shows your true color- yellow. But anyways, I *am* looking forward to going out to TGI Fridays and getting drunk one night after the baby is born. So? Since when is it a crime for a woman of legal drinking age to celebrate the birth of her child by drinking at a restaurant bar with her boyfriend? I've been sober this whole time, why not get drunk ONE NIGHT? That's the main part right there. If you really wanted to make me look bad, you would've taken out the "one night" part. DCF has already been contacted by my doctor, who legally has to report all of his pregnant patients on methadone maintenance, and they are not going to show up unless my postpartum drug screen shows that I've been using illegal drugs. I take methadone legally and correctly at my doctor's advice, so I have nothing to be afraid of. As for the weed, I ran out a lil while ago and I'm not getting any more.

"Libby- At least I sign my fucking name"

Good for you baby!

"I truely believe that Jake is in love with you.. The time he took looking at your pix and shit is borderline stalker!"

I don't know about being in love with me, but it does worry me how much he focuses on me- it's pretty fucking scary, not to mention sad. I hope he finds something in his life more interesting than my fat white ass, although it is flattering to be that important to a total stranger.

"You're not a moron, but your actions suggest otherwise."

That is an awesome quote!! Can I use it against other people? Fuckin' brilliant... thanks for that!

"Hey Gorgeous,Remember these five words, Drugs are not an option. Alert mind, calm body, I am in control ! ! !"

That's a lot more than five words Greggie-bear! : ) I love you a lot, I know drugs aren't an option anymore. I still think about shooting up sometimes and have awful dope dreams where I wake up wiping imaginary blood off my arm, but that's as far as I get. Me and the heroin have parted ways- that means you're my #1 love instead of being #2 like you were when I was bangin' all day long! Well, Jaz might replace you...

"Your passive acceptance of your bf suggestion (the porn movie) shows that your mind is totally under his control. You don’t even worry about your child’s safe. Look at your body language, shows how abused you are."

You know what's funny about that? It wasn't his suggestion- the pregnant porn was all my idea. And he told me no! Imagine that. The child-safety thing is just as ignorant. If I was gonna do video shoots while preg (which I'm not, but if I was I wouldn't be ashamed) how would that be unsafe for the baby? My dr says I can fuck and be fucked for the whole 9 months, basically until the baby is in the way of the dick, so how would porn be different from the regular sex I have with my man? And calling me "abused" is just silly- you can't look at my body language because all you've seen of me are selected photographs. Next time before you type, use your brain- God gave it to you for a reason.

"Shelly for President!!!"

Oh god, I'd be even worse than Obama!

"You sound like you're a Stephen King fan like me, i loved Christine."

Stephen King is my favorite author of all time! The first "grown-up book" I ever read was The Shining which I read cover to cover when I was either 8 or 9 years old. I had to re-read it later, of course, because that is not exactly written for children and I didn't understand lots of it, especially when King has his characters talking back and forth like some adults do when there aren't any kids around. I remember not understanding something in The Shining and going to my dad and saying, "Daddy, what does it mean to hide the salami?" The funny part is, he told me! I guess this is the place for incest jokes, if any of y'all want to make them...

"Why would anyone watch scary movies when they know for a fact that they get night mares from them? That's got to be about the stupidest thing I've ever heard But of course, you can't expect too much from someone like you."

If a horror movie doesn't either give me nightmares (one word btw) or make me cover my eyes and/or turn away from the screen at least once, then it's not a very scary movie and I don't like it. Horror movies provide lots of opportunities for fake scares, like lying in bed thinking about zombies or mirror images that jump out and get you [Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary...!]. I like fake scares because they take my mind off my real fears, mostly centered around the baby and my competence and my relationship with my man. So... yeah. Y'all anons are really reaching for opportunities to call me stupid, huh?

"Hey. I just wanted to tell you something for your security. I followed the link to that pbso site that you said you used to check someone who was locked up ... I searched by first name/partial and did a search for a few years back. Well, you came up along with a few others. I knew it was you because of your photo. It displayed your last name and personal info. I wanted to tell you this, because I have seen you say "Michelle Angelina ******" before, so I assumed you wanted to have your name remain private. Maybe try to be a little more careful, if this bothers you that is, because I would hate for people to find out too much info and some harm to be done to you. I know that for me, anonyminity is one of the greatest advantages of internet journaling and is vital to my best interests. Just looking out for you."

Yeah, I really don't care who knows my info. On opi I don't use my last name, but over here it's been known: Michelle Angelina Moreau, age 23, born July 6 1985 to Ken and Vivian Moreau, a brother named Lucas who goes to UF, living in Palm Beach County Florida. In fact last time I was arrested (in April, for that stupid fuckin' old warrant) I posted a link to my arrest on pbso.org myself. Good lookin' out though.

"It's great how you and Lucas are so close. Everyone needs that one person they can hang with, someone they can rely on and talk to without being judged or looked down upon."

Yeah, I don't know what I'd do without my wonderful baby brother- I'd be lost. I am gonna cry my hormonal eyes out when we have to leave him in Gainesville and drive home... : (

"I got a prescription (or is it subscription? I forget the difference between those words) for Blockbuster Online,STUPID, STUPID, STUPID"

Yeah, I'm retarded, is that the first time I've used the wrong word? I believe it is! Since you're so brilliant, how come you didn't tell me which word was correct? I am pretty sure in that context I should use "subscription," but a you'd think a genius such as yourself would leave that information instead of just a generic insult.

"That sucks that you all got tossed from the Drive-in. I've never been to one in my life, they look fun."

Yes, it sucks majorly, but everybody makes mistakes. If there is a drive-in close to where you live you should try it out, it's tons of fun. The camper made it extra-fun for Greggie and I, but I guess going in a car wouldn't be that bad...

"Hi michelle, this is your friend from 'the north set'.I bet you dont even remember me ... I was tweeked and read the whole blog starting from nov 06 all the way to this journal entry about drivein! ... When did you swich to herion, I always thouht you liked wakeefulness more than the nod ... plaese email me angel michelle shelley whatever you like tobe called now!!!"

I remember you- once you were following me and Vicci to our connect in the northeast set and she stopped for a red light but you had just done a fat shot so you hit the gas instead of the brake and took off Victoria's rear bumper, and she was yelling at you but you were so high you didn't know what she was saying so you just kept saying "okay, that sounds cool, let's just be cool" when she was telling you that you'd be working for free for 2 months to pay off her Mustang! That is the first thing that comes to mind when I hear your name, weird huh? Anyways when I am able to log into my email, I will be in contact. Or I can just call our mutual friend and ask him for your number, but not if you don't want me to have it. He's not the type to give out friend's numbers unless he knows for a fact that it's ok, so tell him if you want him to give me your digits. We gots ourselves some catching up to do. I can't beleive you didn't paint your freakin' walls yet! Weirdo :) :)

Okay, one last thing before I sign off... there is a hurricane coming!! I don't know the name of it (I don't watch the news) but there is a category 1 hurricane and it's supposed to hit the Florida Keys tonight or tommorrow morning. A category 1 is nothing compared to West Palm Beach's famous "Hurricane Season 2004" but you know how tricky and unpredictable those fuckers can be. So if I'm not online in the next few days, it most likely means my power is out. It's been flickering all day so far- the fuckin' sun didn't come out until half an hour ago (it is 1124am) so at 10am when I woke up my brother, he thought it was disgustingly early and got pissy for waking him up "at 6 or whatever ungodly hour you roam the house at." We got off easy in the '06 and '07 seasons- I think we're due! Anyone who prays, say a little prayer for south Florida... especially me and Jaz!

I'm sure Greg will correct me on the comments

2008-08-17T14:59:00.003-04:00

So, Greggie got us kicked out of the drive-in. Nice, huh? To be fair, I got us kicked out of someplace about a year and a half ago- Walmarts. But there are bunches of Walmarts in the area, and only one fuckin' drive-in movie theater! If you ask him, he did exactly what any reasonable person would have done under the circumstances. I will tell the story, you be the judge, and if I left anything out then I'm sure Greg will correct me on the comments.

Okay, so we get to the drive-in about 5 minutes before the movie starts (Tropic of Thunder) and we were both kinda sad because Mirrors wasn't playing. I don't know why he was upset, I practically had to beg him to agree to see it with me! But whatever. The drive-in is first come first serve and we arrived right as the previews were starting, so we got a shitty parking spot. We usually park in front of the dumpster because of the 9-foot-tall camper, but we ended up SLIGHTLY behind the dumpster behind 2 trucks that we could easily see over. Greg parked, and yeah we were kinda far back but we could see good so we were ok- or so I thought. I was wrong, apparently we weren't okay, apparently we had a huge problem that we had to scream about. How could I be so dumb? <---sarcasm

The huge problem was that one of the trucks parked in front of us had his engine on and the exhaust pipe was going. Greg went up to him and asked if he planned on having his truck on the whole time, the guy said hells yeah I need to run my a/c, that's why I parked way the hell back here, I was here first. That is not against the rules for the drive-in, in fact there really aren't any rules at the drive-in that I know of. You can drink, get high, walk around, yell, let your kids run around and yell and throw shit, rev your engine, have sex, bring a 3-course meal, whatever the fuck you want to do. Greg started going on about how that was wrong, how I couldn't be breathing exhaust fumes while 8 months pregnant, how he's gonna go get somebody to yell at that guy and make him turn off his engine.

So Greggie runs over to the first theater employee he sees (these poor fucks probably make minumum wage) and immediately starts yelling. I don't hear what he is saying, but I do hear the other guy saying, "calm down, dude, calm down!" At that point I knew we were kicked out for good, so I started crying. The damn drive-in is my favorite place to hang out with Greg because the camper is PERFECT for watching and it's cheaper and free-er than other theaters and it keeps me updated on the new good movies and I really didn't want to get kicked out over stupid exhaust fumes! (Also, I am a total crybaby since getting knocked up.) Greg starts really screaming at the guy, so the owner (Tony) comes over. We were really cool with Tony, he even lent us his radio one time to see Dark Knight cause we forgot ours. Mostly because we were there every weekend without ever causing a lick of trouble. But now he's pissed because Greg is screaming and cursing. He was leaving (thanks for asking if I wanted to stay, Greggie) but not without a refund.

There was a big ol' sign out in front where you pay, it says No Refunds in big letters, and I reminded of Greg that right before Tony came over. Didn't make a difference- he started hollering at Tony also about a refund. Tony was being obnoxious and disrespectful too, shining his fucking flashlight in Greg's eyes as well as mine, and finally Greg says, "I'm fucking leaving, I wouldn't come back here if you payed me, keep your fucking 12 dollars you greedy shit, I won't be back."

And that's how Greg got us kicked out of the drive-in. Goddamn was I pissed off! I was ready to go home, let him run his mouth at somebody else for the night. But Greggie had been working hard so I hadn't seen him in sooo long, plus I had just bought him $35 worth of groceries (right before he got us kicked out, nice way to say thanks isn't it?) that I wanted to eat some of, plus I don't tend to stay pissed at people very long- I am easily distracted by food, pot, sodas, funny jokes, money, and good-looking guys. He had grown a beard in the week or so that we hadn't seen each other, and those sad blue eyes floating over that rugged beard with him asking me to please come in the house... well shit, I came in the house. The longer I know him, the more I love him. The more I love him, the hotter he looks to me. The hotter he looks to me, the more obnoxiously asinine shit he gets away with! My wonderful, crazy asshole man... ;)

So, we went to Blockbuster instead and rented some piece of crap action movie called Doomsday plus the movie One Missed Call which is the picture at the top of this post. Aren't those mouth-eyes creepy??? I ended up watching that yesterday with my mama and Lucas' friend Travis and then last night every time I woke up I seen the mouth-eye lady from the movie standing in front of the fridge or the doorway to my room or somewhere. I think if a horror movie doesn't make me cover my eyes at least once or give me any nightmares, it's a gay movie and it didn't do what it was supposed to do.

Okay, before I sign out, there's this thing I seen on other blogs where you type your name into Google followed by the word 'needs' (in my case "michelle needs" or "shelley needs") and then post the first 10 things that come up. So I did that, why the hell not right? I did Michelle and Shelley because both came up with interesting things, and skipped the boring ones like "Michelle needs your help" or "Michelle needs money." Those are no fun... and the rest of them are in order as I found 'em!

1) Michelle needs 2 pee <-- constantly

2) Michelle needs to exercise her right to shut the fuck up

3) Michelle needs to go poop <-- does anyone else see a pattern here?

4) Michelle needs to take an extended break from golf

5) Michelle needs to check out to rescue her sanity <-- true, true

6) Michelle needs a family that will be patient

7) Michelle needs someone to talk to <-- my blog takes care of that

8) Michelle needs work on the inside

9) Michelle needs to learn to be more careful with her voodoo <-- fuckin' awesome!!

10) Michelle needs to work harder <-- harder, and faster, and longer :)

1) Shelley needs her own blog <-- damn skippy!

2) Shelley needs your vote <-- who was it that said Shelley for president?

3) Shelley needs to listen to the gathering roar

4) Shelley needs donations and rescue <--empty your pockets, friends

5) Shelley needs to start planning for 2008

6) Shelley needs to STOP referring to herself in the third person <-- surely

7) Shelley needs to be included

8) Shelley needs a new roommate <--- just a couple more weeks and I will!

9) Shelley needs little introduction

10) Shelley needs no last name <-- sweet, just like Madonna and Cher!

dead guys on the brain

2008-08-15T04:02:00.004-04:00

It is 4am, and I've been awake for an hour. I had a scary dream and it woke me up, and of course I had to go to the bathroom (I think my bladder is the size of a quarter by now) and then I started thinking of tons of other scary things, mostly from movies and books. Like people getting cut in half at the beginning of Ghost Ship, or the dead guy driving the car in Christine ("that wasn't Arnie driving that car! It was a dead man!"), or the bathtub lady from The Shining, or the kid's reflection staying where it is while the kid ran away on the commercial for Mirrors. That last one is pretty pathetic- I haven't even seen that fucking movie yet and already it's giving me nightmares. I was planning on forcing Greggie to watch it with me tonight at the drive-in, maybe I shouldn't, if the stupid ad scares me. Then again, everything is scary at 3am. There are much scarier things than these ghosts and zombies from fiction stories. For example, my court date on August 27th.

Movies movies movies, that's been my life lately. Greg has been working ALLLLL week- yes, I am very happy that he's working, but I do get bored and lonely. So I watch movies, which are excellent time killers. I got a prescription (or is it subscription? I forget the difference between those words) for Blockbuster Online, and so far have recieved Dreamcatcher and 10,000 BC (the hero is sooooo good-looking, great fuckin flick) and exchanged them both in-store for Matilda (a kiddie movie, I know) and The Ruins. That one, really sucked, I didn't even finish watching it. Something about a haunted vine that gets into people's bodies, or something like that. The vine looks like a hybrid of marijuana and poison ivy and it moves around and people are dying. I went back into my room after dinner last night to watch the rest of it and then thought to myself, "do I really care what happens to this stupid vine, or these stupid people?" The answer, of course, was hells no. Mirrors, that's the next one I want to see. It looks so goddamn terrifying! Actually forget Mirrors- you know what I really want to watch? Tropic of Thunder, with Robert Downey Jr playing a black guy. Hah at first instead of typing "black guy" I typed "dead guy", guess I have dead guys on the brain. Maybe it would help if I could turn on some lights, but my brother's little friends are sleeping all over the house and I'm sick of being an asshole to these kids. Yeah they annoy the fuckingniggashit outta me, but oh well. Lucas will be going back to college in just a couple weeks, and then I won't have to deal with the little faggots anymore.

You think I'd be happy about that, but I'm so not. I won't miss the melvins, that's fer damn sure. But I've kinda come to rely on Lucas being here, I love having my favorite person in the world so close by, and he's going alllll the way to Gainesville and I won't get to see him again until probably Thanksgiving... I'm gonna cry when he leaves, seriously I am. I already cry about everything else these past few months, what's one more sobfest? One good thing- I get to ride up with him and our mama to Gainesville, to say goodbye. After he goes to class that Monday, me and mama are going tubing down some central Florida river. I'm excited about that trip, hell it'll do me good to get out of the house.

If you think I'm responding to 30 comments, y'all are crazy. I wrote a story about a sea monster, I'm trying to see if I can get paid off it and if not, I shall post it here.

tips for maintaining such an awesome blog

2008-08-04T14:49:00.005-04:00

^^this is the fattest I've ever been, ever^^

This will be short- although every time I say that, it ends up being kinda long. It's because I start to rant and rave about some stupidity and it never ends. All I can do is try.

First off, I need to give *mad props* to my girl Melody for sending me baby clothes in the mail. She is one generous chick and I got love for her. My favorite so far is the little pink booties with skull and crossbones on it... fucking excellent. When the kiddo is born I shall post pictures of her in the cute stuff she sent. Melody girl, thanks for being my friend. Warm fuzzies in your direction, and I will help you out any way I can, whether now or in the future, because you have helped me lots. Shout out!! :)

There have been others asking if they could send me stuff, only a few on here but many more through email and IM and the different forums I hang out at. I would love to be able to accept such gifts, but alas I have no PO box and can't just be giving my address out randomly to folks on the internet. I'm not scared to get a letter bomb or anything (I can pick them out by the smell, hah) but as y'all know I am having a baby soon and can't be letting the universe know where I live. I might get a PO box or "virtual address" at some point, but at the moment it is a luxury I can't afford.

That is not to say I don't want people to help me out. Far from it! I set up a "verified" PayPal account and am more than willing to accept donations. You can see it as virtual panhandling, or helping a bitch out in her time of need, or maybe as tips for maintaining such an awesome blog for nearly 2 years now. Of course there are those of you who won't be able to resist leaving comments that read kinda like "I would never send you money even if I was a millionaire, you'll just stick it in your arm, blah blah blah you suck". But that is a risk I am willing to take :) Anyone who is willing and able, please click on the "donate" button on the right side of the screen. It lets you tip me through PayPal or with a credit card. Thanks in advance to anyone who hooks me up in this very helpful way! I am having one hell of a time coming up with cash lately...

I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND MY HATERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***** selected replies *****

"You never fail at making my laugh at how completely stupid and self centered you are ... I'm seriously thinking about starting a pool as to when your child gets taken away from you."
I'm glad I can make you laugh, but you make me yawn and roll my eyes. I'm stupid, I'm scum, I don't deserve to be a mom, DCF is gonna grab my kid the minute his feet leave my snatch, blah blah blah. Don't you have anything new to talk about? And I used to think you were one of the more creative flamers... I have been wrong before though.

"I ASSUME COME SEPT. THE SOUTH PARK KIDS WILL BE GOING OFF TO SCHOOL ? LIFE WILL BE A LITTLE LESS NOISEY ?"
See, that's the worst part! Yes they will be leaving in September, but then baby Jaz will be born! So I'll never get any fucking peace and quiet! The timing is all screwed up.

"Hey, I would like to send you and baby Jaz something."
Click the "donate" button please! It would be very much appreciated, and if I get a PO box I will let you know right away.

"I am also in "Sofla" as you call it, acshuley (spelling!?) in lake Worth near 8thSouth and Fedreal Hway do u no where Bel Air apartments r!? That is where I stay, and I am very fassinated by the "dixie girlz" and why or how they do there jobs every day nite!! The only 1 I no is Peyer-angela however u spell that, do u no her!? She lives in the same area southeast side LakeWorth and works on DIxie!? "
Yeah I know where BelAir apts are- I lived in Scandia, and Lake Worth Motel (aka Dragon Motel), and Carolina apts, and Lisa II apts. South side L-Dub was my part of town for a very long time, so if you lived in BelAir apts and were "fascinated" by the Dixie trick-sies, you have definitely seen me. My pics are posted- *have* you seen me? I rode around in the camper truck (which I of course won't describe online, but if you lived there you must've seen the camper truck at least once or twice). Of course I look different [read: fatter] than I did back when I stayed out there. As for Pierangela (that's how you spell her name, btw) hells yes I know her! I hooked her up tons of times, and last time I was locked up in county we were bunkies. I met one of my dope connects through her and everything. :)

"If she wants to perform for money, just like the rest of the population does to earn a living, and nobody is getting hurt, and all involved are in agreement ( all people leave with a smile on there face ). This is not a crime in my eyes."
Aaaaaaaaaa-men -------!! [name not printed to protect anonymity] ;)

"I just wanted to let you know that I have been EXACTlY were you are right now (preg on done) and you are doing the RIGHT thing no body will take ur baby not that it's even a concern! ... Also I'd like to get something for you and munchkin, u have a wish list somewhere??"
I appreciate the support. I'm not scared of anyone taking the baby. I quit smoking pot and everything... well it's been bout 3 days now, but you gotta start somewhere. My dr specifically told me to stay on the methadone, so as you said it's not even a concern. As for the wish list thing, I gots the donation box for now. If you want to help, that's the best way to do it!

"I just see this posted in a comment, did you really said that?Yes she did. On opiophile."
Between ^this^ and Jake's same old commentary, I am experiencing some severe deja-vu. I thought I had been over this. If I say something HERE you don't like, then by all means yell at me HERE. If I say something on OPIOPHILE that you don't like, yell at me on OPIOPHILE. Don't be dragging shit back and forth, it's cowardly. If you had balls, you'd speak your mind on the forum in front of the other members instead of anonymously on the blog.

"your alot nicer than me, i would have thrown their shit in the street by now."
If I threw it in the street, they could easily go get it. I threw it in a dumpster a couple cities away, which got emptied that same morning. I did warn them!